tips to please my husband

[miss_chaos]

ok fellow lit members I have a kind of embarressing question, I need advice on how to better please my husband to get him to open up sexually, first he's a police officer with a combined total of 19 years in the military so he's very disiplined and a bit close minded too, I love him dearly but our sex life could use some spice so to speak, we have sex frequently and he's open to variable positions as well as the use of "toys" but the toys are for me and only me and he won't experiment with anal on him, toys on him, candlewax, bondage etc.......though I love to give him head and he seems to enjoy that, I want to know how to give him the "big O", ya know...to make him crazy with his need for me, for him to blow the biggest load ever, for him to everytime after making love with me to simply "look" at me or even just remember and go hard, to not be able to keep his hands off of me, now when it's over it's over and theres nothing left, not even cuddling.....in fact im left feeling kind of used so to speak, to me my husband is the sexiest man alive and id love to make love to him several times a day in every way imagineable but it's kind of blah......any advice from either men or women will be appreciated, hell even tell me if im being fantasical expecting too much, any and all advice will be appreciated

 

[lilnymph28]

Have you sat down and talked to him about it? That may be the easiest way to get a response, although it may be the hardest one for you to initiate. Start with small changes, and see what happens. A lot of the time, it seems to me that someone's unwillingness to welcome something new comes more from a fear of the unknown, and a dislike of change, then from genuine aversion to the act itself. If you're not willing to talk to him about it, you may want to try something small... tease him until he loses control, or something. Gradually accustom him to new ideas and acts.

If he's still adamant about what he wants, you have to decide whats more important to you. But if he loves you as much as you clearly love him, it should be easy for him to make at least some small changes to satisfy you as much as you want to satisfy him. There may still be certain acts that he refuses to do, and that's understandable. Some guys just will not entertain even the idea of having their ass played with, for instance. Talk to him, explain what you want and why you want it, and see if there is something that can be done to help.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Can you talk to him about it? Odds are that he needs to be in control (military and police training) and by allowing anyone, including his wife, to use toys or touch him in certain ways, is something he can't handle. If he is able to talk intimately about this with you, you may find a way to get what you want and need. Communication is ALWAYS the key.

Something that may help a little is if you subtly and slowly poke his comfort zone. For instance, while giving him head, "accidentally" brush his anus with a fingertip and then leave it alone. Pay attention for any kind of reaction and follow it's lead. If he flinches, dont try it again for a while. If he doesn't seem to mind the "accidental brushing", wait a minute or two and do it again. If this goes well, You can repeat this on several occasions, then it can be mentioned in conversation that you've noticed that he likes it when you've played with his anus, would he mind if you gently explored this further? Don't break out the toys and a vat of K-Y and expect him to be thrilled.

Also, if you are able to speak candidly with him on the subject of sex, then you should be able to express your needs to him. He may not like the idea but in an effort to make sure you are happy too, he may be a little more willing to entertain your ideas.

 

[Guest]

 

[miss_chaos]

your right em...

your so right Emerald eyes, it is in fact about me being pleased, I feel as if im the only one concerned with our love life, I feel as if maybe he does'nt desire me in the same way I desire him because I want so hard to please him sexually and he has the attitude that "with or without, does'nt matter" this attitude of his makes me feel as if maybe im not doing enough for him, that maybe he does'nt find me sexy enough..... when I talk to him he says that he just does'nt have much of a sex drive, he's 37 and very healthy, is this possible? I do know that maybe im being unreasonable and that im maybe making more of this but I feel as if he just is'nt sexually attracted to me and this really hurts, he looks at other women, both on here, during everyday goings on, he's normal when it comes to checking out beautiful women and he talks about all the things he'd like to do to me and with me but then he balks and it's just wham bam.....I call him my closet freak lol I try to joke about it with it so as not to hurt his feelings but im frustrated, I want us to have a night of mind blowing orgasms, crazy hot steamy wild sex then lay exhausted in each others arms afterwards

 

[sifer]

GI point of veiw

The bigest problem you will have is that people who have lived with that much disipline for that long tend to eather close up or let loose.

I myself went with the let loose but I know far too many that beleave the world exists between the lines.

In all honesty it will probibly take a lot of work to undo the programing that has shaped his life. The other problem would be that he is comfortable with his programed world and afraid (he will never admit it) of change. From experience both jobs have more stress than anyone should deal with alone wich is why some let it all go and some hide in there perfict world. He is probably afraid if you touch his ass he would like it and it would chalange his masculinity.

As for suggestions. Have you given him a blowjob with ice in your mouth? I know that that is a mind blower. Other basic things like blindfolds, food play, sudo bondage ie pull his shirt up but not past his sholders so it covers his face and his pants down to his knees and atack him so he dosent get a chance to free himself.
Dribble warm or cold choclate sause on him "accidentaly" and eat it off his skin. Play dress up. Excite his emagination.

You may try getting things like the Kinky Letters magizine. Besides being fun to read and full of ideas it may get his curiosity going enough to get kinky.

The bottom line though is he is in a Mexican standoff with himself.
The way for him to get the big O will be for him to relax and let it hapen. Getting a big O will help him relax. He wont let eather happen as is.

The chain should be broken if for nothing else his sanity so I wish you the best of luck.

 

[miss_chaos]

sifer

ty so much sifer, I have tried soooo many things with him, and he just lies there....if I ask him if he likes it he says yes but does'nt act like it, I swear I could swat him in the nose with one of my boobs and hed lick it then go back to his movie, nothing seems to excite him....we have sex, he gets off (quickly) and he makes sure I get mine but then it's over, maybe im just putting too much pressure on him or perhaps even myself, like I said maybe im too fantastical in my expectations of our sex life, I don't want to change who or how he is, I love him for who he is but damn I just want to add some vroooom to our love life and ive tried just about it all, bottom line is this...he just does'nt seem interested in sex period!! to me making love with the person im so in love with is the most amazing thing in the world and id do anything to "wake him up"...once again ty for those that have answered me, im off for the night

 

[frank_long_horn]

Re: sifer

ty so much sifer, I have tried soooo many things with him, and he just lies there....if I ask him if he likes it he says yes but does'nt act like it, I swear I could swat him in the nose with one of my boobs and hed lick it then go back to his movie, nothing seems to excite him....we have sex, he gets off (quickly) and he makes sure I get mine but then it's over, maybe im just putting too much pressure on him or perhaps even myself, like I said maybe im too fantastical in my expectations of our sex life, I don't want to change who or how he is, I love him for who he is but damn I just want to add some vroooom to our love life and ive tried just about it all, bottom line is this...he just does'nt seem interested in sex period!! to me making love with the person im so in love with is the most amazing thing in the world and id do anything to "wake him up"...once again ty for those that have answered me, im off for the night

Chaos,
You may not like this answer but I think, maybe, you are too available and he does not have to make any effort to have sex/make love with you - sooo he takes you for granted

Maybe , cross the legs and shut the mouth for a while and the ungrateful bugger will see or workout what he is missing out on!!!

ps love your posts on the pic section
Frank

 

[ExtacyCouple]

Just a thought here.....sometimes when you put this expectation of mind blowing sex on someone it has the reverse effect. He might feel to much pressure to preform a certain way which in turn he avoids the situation all together. Just have sex with him and weather it is or isn't, act like it is the best sex you have ever had (without going overboard) and just see what his response is.

As for the new things yyou want to try.....he has to think it is his idea. After you have worked up to justr having regular good sex talk to him about some of the things you want to try and make sure to do this out of the bedroom. If he is feeling good about things he just might suggest one of these things one night and suprise you.

Good luck!

 

[sifer]

Its just my opinion but it sounds like he is suppressing everything acrost the board. That perhaps he is feeling things outside the marriage that he does not know how to handle and is bottleing it up. If he seems not to be excitted about anything, not just talking about the bedroom I would have a chat with the department chaplin about conserns of his stress. I have known a lot of guys that bottle to much up and end up letting it destroy them and their familys. Regretibly sex, one of the best things that helps releive stress, is often one of the first things that gets out of wack.

Self controle is a good thing but you have to maintain a preshure relief to keep from exploding.

Talk to him. Mabe suggest that you go to couples counseling because you are feeling stressed. He will probibly not want to admit he is feeling stressed. The department may have councelers availible.

Good luck

 

[Bobmi357]

There's been some interesting advice posted so far. However I don't think any of it is going to do an ounce of good if you don't sit down and TALK with him about how you really feel. Have you told him, really told him, how his reactions are making you feel? Have you told him how hurt you feel? Unwanted, unappreciated?

Miss, the first step to resolving any problem is to make your feelings known to him, don't drop hints, we guys are crap at picking up hints. Sit him down and say it. Tell him that you both need to talk about this because if you don't, it IS going to hurt the relationship in the long run, maybe even break it.

Trying sex tricks with ice or fingers up his ass are cute, but aren't resolving the issue, plus they all depend on YOU doing something for him when you want some of your feelings for him reciprocated.

Sit him down and have the talk, let him know that if you two can't resolve this alone, you feel then you should both seek counseling. Let him know that you expect him to participate in the discussion, either with you alone, or in front of a counselor, and let him know that if he refuses to work on his obligations to the relationship, then it will be his fault for whatever outcome results. Sometimes, with the strong silent military types, you need to beat them with a stick for a while before they realize you mean business. In the meantime, stop being so accomadating of his needs. I'm not saying cut him off, but instead reduce the amount of effort you're putting into pleasing him. He obviously isn't enjoying it, and you're ending up feeling used like an old dish rag. If he asks, let him know that you'll put as much effort into your sex life as he does. It takes two to tango and you're tired of dancing solo for his pleasure.

 

[Limbhugger]

I was in the military and a cop for a hoop of years. The "discipline" aspect may be an issue. Sifer has given some good advice.

But...you knew that was coming...lol. My sexuality may have been influenced by my work and surroundings but it certainly wasn't dictated by them. I have always been a very sexual person. Now true, I think I'm more sexually open now than I was then but for the "average" folks "then" was pretty fucking open.

I have to agree with Emereld here. This sounds on the surface like it is more about things you want to do and try and feel than it is him.

Maybe you're trying too hard? I don't know. But I do know I can tell when my wife does something that she really doesn't want to do just because she thinks I will like it or because it will be cool. And I do know that when she's that, I don't like it. Even if it was something I may have liked I don't like her doing it just cuz. Does that make any fucking sense?

Sex is at once the most complex animal we can wrestle yet at the same time it is as free as ballons on the air. Yes, we spend a lot of time asking and exploring and trying. But we also spend a lot of time just doing and feeling and letting it be what it is.

It's a big leap from mind-blowing-orgasm to anal sex and bondage...lol. I've tried just about everything once and most things more than that and some of the (if not THE) most incredible orgasms I've ever had has happened when my wife and I are making that real soul-connecting love. Nothing dirty or esperiemental just serious that serious connection. When I can watch her face see her losing herself in me...woosh.

Bob and the others have it right, TALK. And talking about sex shouldn't be hard. But it should be open, honest (with yourselves and each other), and non-pressuring.

So I guess my question is, do you have kinks you want to live out for your own reasons? There's no shame in that if you do. Just wondering is all.

 

[DngrDave]

Misconceptions

Let me start by saying as someone who went to the gulf war with the 101st Airborne, worked construction, as a forklift mechanic, and various other "blue collar busted knuckle" jobs... it has nothing to do with it. I work a long hour high stress "geek" job now, and it's a different stress, but still stress.

Sometimes you learn to cope by not talking about it. I watched "Flags of our Fathers" last night and apparently there are a lot of people who deal with it just fine without going to a shrink or telling everyone they know about experiences that haunt them.

So if he does talk, #1 most important... listen. Most women I know (and 90% of the people I work with are women) don't listen at all, they MIGHT stop talking while you say something, but they're not listening, they're waiting for you to stop so they can say what they want to say.

As for the sex... be careful what you wish for. If you get him to try new things and spice things up it's nearly impossible to put the genie back in the bottle... Been there, done that, now "vanilla" is too boring.

If you insist that you want to, forget about asking him what he might like, do what's on your mind, if you can get him in a situation where he has no choice but to try it all the better. Like making kids try the fish before they're allowed to say "I don't like that". But IF he does have any hidden desires and fetishes I doubt you'll get him to talk about them. Anything unusual has a stigma attached to it, and he doesn't sound like the type to admit to being different.

I have stories along those lines out there...

 

[subwannabe]

You have gotten some excellent advice here. I have to ditto the "talk to him" aspect. I don't think you can get anywhere without talking but unfortunately, he does not seem to be the type you can talk to about things. I don't really know where this leaves you. The one best piece of advice I can give you, and I don't know if anyone else has said this yet or not, but, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't want to discourage you but this sounds to me like a typical guy who is in control and his poor wife thinks that everything is her fault. Maybe you need to go to a counselor by yourself first and then maybe bring him in later. I do think that before you can get anywhere you have to realize that none of this is your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty about any of it. After that your only option will be to be able to talk to him about it, if that won't work you are going to have to prepare yourself for no change. By the way, if that is really you in the picture then he has a bigger problem than you realize.

 

[LindaSue28]

This might be a tough one...

some people are just not hard-wired for the Big O (Thank God I am). But as others have said, talk to him, in a non-threatening way. For me, great blowjobs make all the difference. And try to find his secret turn-ons. Good lick...er, luck.

 

[mjl2010]

four year old thread

although...

 

[SmilesByMiles]

Great topic thread

 

[clive522]

Talk first
Dont give him any, second
Buy a new Rabbit and four packs of battery's.
Wait for him to arrest you and take you in to custody
Then fuck his brains out and he may remember what its all about.

 

[Lady Reiha]

your so right Emerald eyes, it is in fact about me being pleased, I feel as if im the only one concerned with our love life, I feel as if maybe he does'nt desire me in the same way I desire him because I want so hard to please him sexually and he has the attitude that "with or without, does'nt matter" this attitude of his makes me feel as if maybe im not doing enough for him, that maybe he does'nt find me sexy enough..... when I talk to him he says that he just does'nt have much of a sex drive, he's 37 and very healthy, is this possible? I do know that maybe im being unreasonable and that im maybe making more of this but I feel as if he just is'nt sexually attracted to me and this really hurts, he looks at other women, both on here, during everyday goings on, he's normal when it comes to checking out beautiful women and he talks about all the things he'd like to do to me and with me but then he balks and it's just wham bam.....I call him my closet freak lol I try to joke about it with it so as not to hurt his feelings but im frustrated, I want us to have a night of mind blowing orgasms, crazy hot steamy wild sex then lay exhausted in each others arms afterwards

I totally know how you feel.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a bit, and I'm lucky if I get sex every second week. He claims it's his low sex drive ( he's 25, healthy, slender built), but when I ask him for anything, he dismisses it by saying he's
"tired". Even the sex gets a tad boring sometimes. I feel like he doesn't like doing anything out of the ordinary, and he doesn't even let me feel sexy- at all. It's like I have to force him to have sex. It's mind-boggling. The way I'm coping with it is my good ol' toys and some videos...
I tried talking to him but it's no use. He doesn't get it at all....

 

[Javagirl]

Oh the military and the people who raise them

Luckily, I didn't have a problem with my former military guy. My ex boyfriend was a wild ass Marine (in and out of the bedroom). I can see how your hubby might have control issues though. He also sounds like he's 70 not 37.

Also, I think your husband is a bit of a punk and acting very selfish (unless he has some kind of medical issue that is affecting his libido). He doesn't really seem to want to make much of an effort and why the hell should you be making all the effort?

This has nothing to do with sex--it has to do with communication and your marriage. A friend told me something very wise years ago--if there are issues in the bedroom that is the litmus test for your relationship in general.

I feel that sex (and GOOD sex) in a marriage is VERY important. As I mentioned, if things are lacking or dragging in the bedroom area, then it's an indication that something else is happening and there is a deeper issue.

You two need to have a brutally honest talk with each other and you need to ask him some questions you might not want to ask.

Also, that's bullshit. If a man wants my ass in the carnal way and wants to tie me up and pour hot wax on me, oh it's happening to HIM too (which I love by the way). It works both ways, hon. You do realize that a woman can also be dominant too?

You need to talk to him. Tie his ass up and make him listen to you That always works for me hee hee.

Good luck!