Time for a few laughs

[rgraham666]

We've been taking a few too many bites out of one another's asses recently. Perhaps we should have a few belly laughs or two to get the bile out of our systems.

I'll start. My laughs are from military history, so don't read further if guns and stuff doesn't turn your crank.

About 20 years ago the U.S. Army was working on a mobile anti-aircraft gun called the 'Sgt. York', named after a WWI sharpshooter.

They had spent $6.5 billion on R&D so far on the day they turndled it out to the range.

It was a major disappointment to say the least. It couldn't hit the broad side of the barn. The higher-ups were not impressed.

So the eggheads went back to their labs and discussed it. The conversation went something like this.

Egghead 1: That was a major catastrophe.
Egghead 2: Yeah it was.
Egghead 1: So what do we do?
Egghead 2: Well, the Soviets don't have many ground attack planes anyway, but they have lots of choppers
Egghead 1: What makes a helicopter different from a plane?
Egghead 2: It has that big propellor on top.
Egghead 1: Yes! We'll program the gun to shoot at the radar return from the rotor!

So they spent another $1 billion and returned to the range. They turned on the Sgt. York…

And it blew a toilet to bits!

There was a fan on the side of the toilet facing towards the gun.


Similar story.

Before the Second World War, the Soviets were strapping explosives onto dogs and then training them to run under tanks. Sort of canine suicide bombers.

When the Nazis invaded, the Soviet deployed their dogs…

and found out they were trained to run under Soviet tanks.

Don't you just hate how none of your cool ideas work out quite the way you expect?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

great stories, thanks RG.

 

[cloudy]

This is just too damn funny.....

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS
15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

 

[snooper]

This is just too damn funny.....

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

... etc.

I first heard this story when I was at school and about 15 years old, so that makes it at least 50 years old.

The version I heard was that it was the Bismark and the Eddystone Rock lighthouse.

As to your version being history repeating itself, there is no "AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA".

HMS Britannia was the Royal Yacht.

 

[upfront]

I first heard this story when I was at school and about 15 years old, so that makes it at least 50 years old.

The version I heard was that it was the Bismark and the Eddystone Rock lighthouse.

As to your version being history repeating itself, there is no "AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA".

HMS Britannia was the Royal Yacht.

Cheers snooper - you certainly know how to kill a thread.

 

[cloudy]

I first heard this story when I was at school and about 15 years old, so that makes it at least 50 years old.

The version I heard was that it was the Bismark and the Eddystone Rock lighthouse.

As to your version being history repeating itself, there is no "AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA".

HMS Britannia was the Royal Yacht.

It was on a webpage, all I did was copy/paste, only the first line about it being funny was mine.

What? Poking fun at Americans is cool but no one else?

Jeez, lighten up!

 

[Guest]

I first heard it as a US Navy ship and a Canadian lighthouse.



Lou

P.S. Up yer bum!

 

[cloudy]

I first heard it as a US Navy ship and a Canadian lighthouse.



Lou

P.S. Up yer bum!

love you, Lou!

(it would have been funny to me no matter the nationalities - yes, even US and Canada. I can laugh at anybody!)

 

[CrazyyAngel]

I first heard it as a US Navy ship and a Canadian lighthouse.



Lou

P.S. Up yer bum!

Yeah ... me too. But its funny, nonetheless.

speaking of which .. I think I missed the punchline of RG's first story. Someone care to explain? (Although I know a Joke isnt half as good when it has to be explained)

CA

 

[minsue]

British prisoners escape -- to seek tougher jail elsewhere

Thu May 13, 6:34 PM ET

LONDON (AFP) - A pair of prisoners at a British low-security open jail have escaped, but only to knock on the door of a more secure prison nearby and ask to be detained there instead, a report said.

The duo fled from Leyhill prison near Gloucester, central England, because the reformed drugs users found narcotics too easily available there, the Times said in its Friday edition.

Audie Carr, 29 and 23-year-old Benjamin Clarke were found to be missing at a roll call held last Sunday night, but by Monday lunchtime they had knocked on the doors of Gloucester Prison around 20 miles (32 kilometres) away.

The pair, jailed for offences including burglary, theft and assault, had originally been held at Gloucester Prison, where they were able to kick their drug habits.

But once transferred to the more relaxed Leyhill, they found "the demon of temptation once again on their shoulder," Gloucester magistrates court was told, according to the paper.

"They wanted to escape Leyhill and asked if they could finish their sentences at Gloucester," a prosecution lawyer told the court of the duo, who face charges of escaping from custody.

 

[Guest]

love you, Lou!

(it would have been funny to me no matter the nationalities - yes, even US and Canada. I can laugh at anybody!)

Awww! Love you, too, Cloudy!

And, yes, it's hilarious!!!

Lou

 

[minsue]

Slippery Grease Bandits Make Slick Getaway

1 hour, 58 minutes ago

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - Oklahoma police are looking for grease bandits who made off with 5,000 pounds (2268 kg) of used cooking oil and grease from three restaurants.

Police in Edmond, north of Oklahoma City, said on Thursday the grease bandits have hit an area of Mexican, Chinese and steak restaurants over the past three months.

The robbers took the used cooking grease that was stored in large cylinders in back of the restaurants.

The restaurants were planning to sell the grease to a recycling company and the total value of the stolen goods was about $380.

Glynda Chu, a spokeswoman for the Edmond police said the bandits had a good idea of how to get money in the used grease market, but she thinks it odd that anyone would put so much effort into making off with so much cooking byproduct.

"It would be a big chore to haul that smelly stuff away," Chu said. "They did, however, make a slick getaway." She just HAD to say it, didn't she?

 

[SummerMorning]

Two loaves of bread are walking down the street and a pizza walks past.

Says one loaf to the other, "Look how much make up that whore's got on her face!"

 

[minsue]

Two loaves of bread are walking down the street and a pizza walks past.

Says one loaf to the other, "Look how much make up that whore's got on her face!"

ROFL

 

[upfront]

Ahhh ... I'm happy to have re-ignited this valuable thread!

 

[SummerMorning]

Why thank you, gosling

 

[Guest]

There was this fish, a deer and a bear taking a walk in the forest. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming and their hearts were filled with joy.

Suddenly, the deer turned to the bear and said...

 

[Guest]

Ahhh ... I'm happy to have re-ignited this valuable thread!

Yeah, I am too, and you did it with such finesse.

Lou

 

[upfront]

Yeah, I am too, and you did it with such finesse.

Lou

You should have seen what I deleted.

 

[Guest]

You should have seen what I deleted.

ROFPMSL!!!!!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Say does shit stick to your fur?" and the rabbit says "Nope"

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

~A~

 

[SummerMorning]

Toilet in the Forest

The beasts of the forest decided to up their sanitary standards and put together their savings to build a modern toilet block.

One day Mayor Lion comes along to see how the toilet is doing and finds the back window broken. Aghast, he calls all the animals together and demands to know what happened.

A small fluffy bunny sniffles and points at Bear, "I was waiting in line at the door when it opens and that big bully grabs me, wipes his ass with my tail and throws me out the window!"

All the animals hiss and boo at the bear and M. Lion admonishes him to not do that again. The animals replace the window and things seem to go back to normal.

A couple of days later Mayor Lion comes to check up on the toilet again, and the window is broken again! He calls the animals together and demands to know what happened this time.

A small fluffy squirrel steps forward sniffling and points at Bear, "I was jus' waitin' to go to the potty when the door opens and he grabs me, wipes his ass with my tail and tosses me out th' window!"

All the animals hiss and boo at the bear and M. Lion tells him to fucking stop wiping his ass with little animals and start using toilet paper. The animals replace the window and things seem to go back to normal.

The next week Mayor Lion comes to check up on the toilet and finds it demolished. The toilet seat is up a sycamore, the bricks are scattered halfway across the meadow, the door is in a little stream, the sink is stuck inside a poplar. Shocked he calls all the animals together.

"What the F*ck happened this time?!?" he demands incredulously.

A small porcupine steps forwards, "Well, I was just standing in line and the door opens..."

 

[upfront]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.

"What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

 

[SummerMorning]

"Bob is what we're calling your little cyclops from now on and he wants to come into his new home!"

 

[upfront]

One for the Brits:

For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the splendid children's TV program Rainbow, this may be a little lost on you, but it must have been a great episode to watch! Almost too ridiculous to believe. This is taken from an original Rainbow script – how did they get away with this innuendo?

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana:
Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four"
George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
[We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.]
Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
[Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.]
Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,
Bungle."
Geoffrey (to camera) "Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George: "Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friends' balls today?"
Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera) "Have you seen Bungle's twanger?"
Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."
[Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle.]
Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"
Zippy: "Well of course it is, your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle: (excited) "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
[Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.]
Freddy: "We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: "Banging can be fun."
Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy."
Freddy: ( looking sad ) "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod: (to Jane) "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: "Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?"
Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy: "I've got a big red one."
George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey: (to viewers) "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck ald day."