Through The Mirrored Celing

[Antnec]

Greetings all,

This is my first submission to Literotica, although I have been a long time reader.

Originally this story was written for just one person, my fiance. At the time I was living in Indiana and she was living in British Columbia Canada (Yep we were a net couple). She loved it and begged me to continue writting it, which I have. I will continue to post it as long as somone wants to continue reading it. That means as long as i get the occasional vote, i will post more and more of the story.

Basically "Through the Mirrored Ceiling : Alice's Erotic Adventures" is an adventure story with a dash of romance (You get to see that later on in some of the subsequent chapters). Alice ventures into wonderland once more because her dear companion Cheshire cat appears and explains that wonderland is losing its lust and therefore its magic. As Alice procedes on her adventure she inspires the denziens of wonderland to be more lusty, well in some cases downright vulgar.

So give it a try and let me know what you think.

Antnec

Through the Mirrored Celing

 

[Impetus]

Hmmm...

I'll start with this:

After yet another boring date 18-year-old Alice finds herself home alone in the large almost mansion like house her parents left her. As she walks across her bedroom to her four post bed Alice picks up her true friend, the white rabbit.

"Rabbit, what's wrong with me? Do guys not find me desirable?"

No response as usual from her mute friend.

That's the setup. That's all the character development or background we get before you launch into the story. In my opinion, that's simply too little. By the time you introduce the plot, I simply don't care about Alice. So what if guys don't find her desirable? At least she's rich, screw her!

You're also a little light in technical prowess, and that kind of thing can really bite you in the ass when you're writing in present tense. Past tense is much easier, and with present tense it's painfully easy to slip into an inappropriate tense and screw up the reader. I'd also recommend trying to tighten up your diologue. It feels like you're working so hard at getting across the information that is vital to the story that you don't have time to develop anything. Nothing is happening. There's no intrest here. It puts a pretty narrow scope on the story.

And since when did cats have well-muscled chests?

Keep up the work, though. Writing isn't easy, but it's certainly rewarding.

-I

 

[Ronen Alon]

I didn't like it
sorry
It was boring and without new idea's