Three's A Crowd :: Second Chapter now online!!

[British Filth]

Hi everyone. After some of the very helpful responses I received to the first chapter of my first ever online story, Three's A Crowd, I've now published the second chapter... once again I'd be interested in any feedback.

Three's A Crowd - Chapter 2

Thanks very much in advance!!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Spurious,

I read both chapters to your story. Like most voters, I found the first part superior to the second. Although I have a hard time believing anyone could get away with providing a handjob on public transportation during the late afternoon rush, I could believe she might want to do it and that made it interesting. For me, the second chapter lacked the heat of the first, even though there was more sex. I think it goes to show how the why is more important than the what, at least to me.

A few things that you might consider examining in retrospect:

The story has a 'telly' feel to it. By that I mean the reader is informed of things more than being exposed to them. It's classic telling versus showing. If you don't know what I mean, please see:
http://www.customline.com/wordware/showing.html

I also had some doubts regarding the characters. Consider this speech by Katie:

"What you boys need to realise is this: in a fair and true world, there's no such thing as dominance. If there is to be a hierarchy of one group over the other it should naturally evolve out of a respect, not force. Unfortunately, the world in which we live right now is balanced unfairly toward the male. Women are playing catch up and I'm not playing that game. In here, these four walls, this is my world. I define the rules and if you want a piece of my tight pussy, you'll abide by them."

"My world requires you to abandon your preconceptions of male power and dominance ... You see this? This is where you both came from. Cunt. It is where we all came from but in this world, it has been turned into an insult, it has been transformed into a derogatory term of offence by the patriarchal society of ignorant men who do not understand from where they originated and give it the respect it deserves. They abuse its power and turn it into an inanimate term they can use to insult others."

Giving the hand job in public was a bit of a leap, but a lecture like the one above- to me it was way over the top. There's plenty of truth to Katie's words, sure, but I didn't buy her rapid transformation from ho-hum financial clerk to near-psycho domme wannabe. After her speech, the guys more or less do what she says without question and, near as I could tell, without reason. I didn't buy that either.

The premise has plenty of potential, but to work for me it needed to move slower, show a more gradual change. This would have helped me believe the transformation in Katie, and the men. On the plus side, at least there is change, so many 'stories' are missing that crucial ingredient.

Hope that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[SweetAsApplePie]

I liked both of them.