Three submissions - your thoughts

[mwm69writer]

Hi guys and gals,

My first three stories have now been approved and seem to be getting plenty of interest, at least that's what the stats show but a disappointingly low feedback percentage. So I need your help.

Besides reading, voting and general feedback I'd like to know more about what an editor can do to enhance the process and end result. So all your comments will be appreciated, just keep them constructive ehh!

1. MFF - The Mystery Woman
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342597

2. MMF - The Hotel
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342595

3. MMMMF - I Watched Her Gang Bang
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342599


Paul
Written at 16:01 PM Wednesday 2nd January 2008

 

[dirtyparisian]

Hi guys and gals,

My first three stories have now been approved and seem to be getting plenty of interest, at least that's what the stats show but a disappointingly low feedback percentage. So I need your help.

Besides reading, voting and general feedback I'd like to know more about what an editor can do to enhance the process and end result. So all your comments will be appreciated, just keep them constructive ehh!

1. MFF - The Mystery Woman
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342597

2. MMF - The Hotel
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342595

3. MMMMF - I Watched Her Gang Bang
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342599


Paul
Written at 16:01 PM Wednesday 2nd January 2008

My accepted submission is even more recent. I am not particularly interested in the votes and my only public comment was to the effect of 'useless piece of crap' or somesuch. But the thing that amazes me are the figures for 'views'. Is it really true that nearly 6000 have viewed my story in 36 hours?? I am staggered but somehow find it hard to believe. If true, superb! who needs votes with stats like that? Hugh

 

[Varian P]

Hi, and welcome, Paul.

I've read "The Hotel" and shall endeavor to give you some constructive thoughts.

My biggest concern with the story is how cool, how distant the narrative feels. Your first few opening paragraphs are clearly an attempt to build suspense, to convey the level of excitement the couple are experiencing as they anticipate their impending threesome, but you're telling us they're excited, without luring us in to feel it, vicariously, ourselves.

An example:

Hardly a word was exchanged between them all afternoon. The excitement was thick and tense, enough that you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Sexual tension was in the air and the pheromones being released was making both of them highly charged. Paul's cock was fit to burst and he had struggled all day to keep it and him under control. All day he had wanted to caress her, all day he had to avoid getting too close as he knew he would be uncontrollable if she let him. Jan was the same. There were times when she thought of what was about to happen and she longed to stroke her pussy and rub her clit. The tingling was so strong, the swollen clit so sensitive she was almost orgasmic several times as she moved about the house.

The silence is a nice detail--it's concrete, something we can picture when you tell us they don't talk all afternoon.

However, most of what you give us here is abstract, like "the excitement was thick and tense," and "Sexual tension was in the air." When you say "the pheromones being released was making both of them highly charged," it sounds more like a passage in a chemistry textbook than a sensual, visceral detail that gets us aroused, thinking of their arousal.

Worse, cliched phrases like "you could cut the atmosphere with a knife" pull me right out of the story and make me aware of the writer behind it.

Happily, it's pretty easy to remedy the trouble. Slow down and imagine yourself inside the skin of your characters, rather than glancing at them from outside. Picture a particular moment that captures the tension you want to convey. Give us concrete sensory and mental details. Instead of Paul's cock being "fit to burst," give us a sense of it feeling fully and heavy, the feeling of it brushing against his trousers as it stiffens when Jan comes near and he imagines her cunt is swollen, wet, parting. What does her skin smell like? Is there a spot on her arm or her neck he really wants to brush with his fingertip?

In other words, turn us on, and we'll believe your characters are turned on. Or maybe I've got that backwards.

I focused on one paragraph, but the advice applies to the whole story. The situation you're writing about is quite erotic, but the descriptions are too focused on the choreography, and neglect the sensations and the mental/emotional experiences of the characters.

I'm sorry the feedback is so one-sided--I do hope it's helpful.

-Varian

 

[mjl2010]

My accepted submission is even more recent. I am not particularly interested in the votes and my only public comment was to the effect of 'useless piece of crap' or somesuch. But the thing that amazes me are the figures for 'views'. Is it really true that nearly 6000 have viewed my story in 36 hours?? I am staggered but somehow find it hard to believe. If true, superb! who needs votes with stats like that? Hugh

6000. Yeah, more than possible. Some stories garner more. One thing to remember, not every view is a full read. Some people find the story is not to their liking and back click. Kinda like picking up a novel in the grocery store, reading a page or two and putting it back and looking for another one.

MJL

 

[mjl2010]

I read Mystery Woman since Varian did Hotel.

Overall, a pretty good story. Plenty of hot sex in a three way that included one of my personal favorite things, doing a woman from behind while she's in a sixty nine with another woman. Then pulling out and getting sucked. Yummy!

Seriously though, as one of your public comments says, you need an editor.

Three times in one morning for that lucky guy. Man to be twenty something again. sigh Or even thirty something!

Keep writing.

MJL

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Lots of hot sex but some of the nuts and bolts of the writing need tightening up.

I think I noticed a few tense changes at the beginning of hotel that derailed my reading

 

[DocCIS]

I took a stab at the third one...and although by no means an expert, did catch some common things. I agree the story could have gone a bit better if you had an editor or another party review the story. It hit a few areas where the wording was off and made the paragraph difficult to read...causing me to skim over it to try and figure out where you were going.

Additionally, the lack of names for the men made the story way too impersonal. If they knew the husband they should have had names attributed to them...instead the labeling of "No1, No2, etc." just did not go well. When people read these stories they begin to form a mental image of the event happening, and the naming allows a bit more personal touch...instead the reader is left with a sterile bleak landscape which they cannot build their imagination up enough.

Decent attempt...but definitely get an editor or another writer to help flush out some of your weaker areas of grammar and such...

 

[mwm69writer]

Your comments

Many thanks one and all. Points taken. My search for an editor has now begun. Wish me luck!