Three new stories for your approval

[petemgurk]

Once again, let me thank those who have offered their valuable opinions for my first few story submissions, and invite them (and others who may stumble onto this thread, of course) to view three recent ones which have joined the queue:

4-for-1 Special:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332956
Put Out The Fire:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332963
Seems Like Old Times:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332949

Public comments on the stories themselves are very welcome, as well as those that might get posted here. Thanks for your indulgence, and happy reading!

Pete M'Gurk
PS I have noticed that when I went back and re-formatted the paragraphs to make them shorter, I inadvertently deleted the first letter of a word or two in a couple of places. Those of you 'Deadeye Dicks' who spot them yourselves, be advised that I know of this already, and since I'd already waited some two weeks for approval, didn't want to pull them and correct them and wait even longer. Let the errors stand, as they are few in my opinion.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

4 for 1

I skimmed through "4 for 1 Special." It needs a lot of work. Most of it is unbelievable, even for a stroke story. The enormous breasts are forgivable, but the unexplained switch of the three women from ditzy pals to wanton lesbians is not. It's a jarring transition and takes the reader further out of the story.

Also, what was the point of introducing all the other characters (the ugly women)? They show up nowhere else in the story. The characters' accents are also distracting, and need rewritten. If you want to portray their accents or speech patterns, try dropping an occasional word of regional dilect now and then.

 

[slyc_willie]

I have to say that I stopped halfway through the first page of "4-for-1 Special."

The first jarring was the attempt to 'ethnicise' the language, especially of Maria. It comes off as insulting.

The second was in the description of the girls' breasts. That pretty much killed it. Numbers are the hallmark of a Penthouse letter, not erotica.

Granted, I have past stories that include girths and lengths. But I've learned from experience that they do little to help a story.

 

[Darkniciad]

The first thing that struck me is that this was absolutely written for men ( 4 for 1 ). You're pushing away a large part of your readers in lesbian sex with that approach. Everything is a little too fast, and a little too impersonal for your average woman ( even those with high sex drives ). I think it knocks down the believability factor quite a bit, and certainly turns away the real lesbians that read the category.

The accents were a little overcooked. A few descriptive passages and a few cultural quirks thrown in could have conveyed the same message without quite so much phonetic spelling ( especially Maria, all it would take is a few words in Spanish to convey her speech ) Phonetic has its place ( I use it for several characters - probably overuse it ) but I have to agree with slyc that this came off almost derrogatory.

I'm going to have to echo the cup-size squick as well. It's jarring when describing average breasts, and it really leaps out there when you're talking about extreme edge of the scale "Huge tracts of land."

( Pardon the Monty Python reference )