three cheers for bunny! (new story inside!)

[bunny bondage]

ok, here's the latest story. it's a joint effort between Him and myself, and i've already submitted it to the site. it's mostly true, the only thing that has been changed is the name (i am NOT sara connelly, but all you labryinth fans will know where the name came from) nor was this our first sexual encounter. but other than that, it's all true! right down to the fact that He wrote His part as an entry in His journal. granted, my part isn't really my journal, but rather, something i wrote later. ok, enjoi! and tell me what you think!

 

[bunny bondage]

*glowers* nineteen people have read my story but nobody's said a damn thing!

 

[bunny bondage]

alright 27 of you have read it without saying a thing. i'm not going to stop bumping this up until i get a response, damnit!

 

[tr65]

Sweaty

& hard after reading that. I'm dying to break out my belt, but my sub is in San Antonio on business. If I could get at her it would be welt city.

 

[lady-kat]

Re: Sweaty

& hard after reading that.....

well......not sweaty or hard.....
but.....
definately wet here. lol.....

thank you Bunny for sharing......i'll be watching for more....

 

[lancemanyon]

Ya know, Bunny, after reading your story, and taking into consideration your other posts, I would have serious misgivings about you continuing your current relationship with Him. (see how I'm catching on?) But that's just my opinion.

 

[FungiUg]

Comments on story

Critique:

Use shorter paragraphs. Long paragraphs are hard to read.

Always check spelling... spelling mistakes make it harder to read.

"She was moist like morning dew. She liked it." A simile followed by an understatement? Perhaps "She was desperate for it" or even "She loved it"?

I'm afraid I got about half way into the story and gave up. With all of the mistakes and no paragraphs, it's just too hard to read. Sorry. After a break, I went back and skimmed the rest.

Also, you've used a lot of metaphoric language -- florally descriptive, which I can understand (he's an English professor), but again, makes the reading rather long-winded.

The other thing I found to get was the combination of his journal entries, your journal entries, and real life. It got a bit confusing. Now admittedly this is a text file, and some formatting (use of italics for the parts from the journals) would help. So that's not a big criticism.

The actual story I like, but you might want to emphasise it a little more by making it snappier.

I'm no expert in prose, so I don't assume I am right. I'd be keen on re-reading it once you've fixed the paragraphs and spelling.

 

[bunny bondage]

Re: Comments on story

Critique:

"She was moist like morning dew. She liked it." A simile followed by an understatement? Perhaps "She was desperate for it" or even "She loved it"?

ah, while i do appreciate your advice and critique, "She liked it." was never meant to be an understatement, simply a fact. you see, to lots of people, someone liking this sort of thing seems strange, so it's like He's coming to this conclusion himself. this was, in fact, one of the first times that we ever included bdsm-ish stuff into our relationship.

 

[bunny bondage]

gawsh...thanks

thanks for responding everyone! i really do appreciate the input. ^_^

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Comments on story

ah, while i do appreciate your advice and critique, "She liked it." was never meant to be an understatement, simply a fact. you see, to lots of people, someone liking this sort of thing seems strange, so it's like He's coming to this conclusion himself. this was, in fact, one of the first times that we ever included bdsm-ish stuff into our relationship.

The problem is that "liked" is a very passive way of describing it. Perhaps if you changed the emphasis "She does like it!" or "I can still barely believe that she actually liked it."

Anyway, up to you... just that particular juxtaposition leapt out at me. ("Down, juxtaposition! Down! *cracks whip*")

I finished a eulogy for my grandmother in verse last night... (only been kicking around in my head for six months) Now editing *that* was hard! Editing is always a thankless task, but it's worth doing -- so don't lose heart.

 

[A-nonimous]

Excellent, as expected. Wonderful story. You give a great image. I could feel your intensity, Or imagine so. Very nice. And the way you matched the two styles together. Very nice. Definitely a keeper.

 

[bunny bondage]

Ya know, Bunny, after reading your story, and taking into consideration your other posts, I would have serious misgivings about you continuing your current relationship with Him. (see how I'm catching on?) But that's just my opinion.

and who knows what other habits you may pick up...

 

[s'lara]

ok, here's the latest story. it's a joint effort between Him and myself, and i've already submitted it to the site. it's mostly true, the only thing that has been changed is the name (i am NOT sara connelly, but all you labryinth fans will know where the name came from) nor was this our first sexual encounter. but other than that, it's all true! right down to the fact that He wrote His part as an entry in His journal. granted, my part isn't really my journal, but rather, something i wrote later. ok, enjoi! and tell me what you think!

From one submissive masochist to another ... well done bunny. oh, how you captured that simmering hunger. i was locked in through to the last.

Lyrical, succinct and very visual. What better prelude to being taken than the sweet taste of pain?

Thanks for sharing it.

P.S. "Let me tell you a story about the babe ..." (Labrynth)

 

[bunny bondage]

Re: Re: three cheers for bunny! (new story inside!)

From one submissive masochist to another ... well done bunny. oh, how you captured that simmering hunger. i was locked in through to the last.

Lyrical, succinct and very visual. What better prelude to being taken than the sweet taste of pain?

Thanks for sharing it.

P.S. "Let me tell you a story about the babe ..." (Labrynth)

thank you so much! but now you've got that song stuck in my head!! "you remind me of the babe. what babe? the babe with the power. what power? the power of voodoo. who do? you do. do what? remind me of the babe!" jeez, that's not leaving for a good month or so! *dashes off to pop in her special edition labryinth dvd*

 

[s'lara]

Re: Re: Re: three cheers for bunny! (new story inside!)

thank you so much! but now you've got that song stuck in my head!! "you remind me of the babe. what babe? the babe with the power. what power? the power of voodoo. who do? you do. do what? remind me of the babe!" jeez, that's not leaving for a good month or so! *dashes off to pop in her special edition labryinth dvd*

ack! now i have to get mine too ... *trots off singing* Dance, magic, dance!