Thoughts?

[Yinisanalterego]

Looking for critiques on a story... (old topic, new title)

I've posted my first story at http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=303262, and I'd appreciate the honest critiques of fellow authors.

I have several more stories in the works (at least 3-5 more additions to the David & Marci saga), but before I take the time to finish them (or to START and finish them), I need to know I'm not wasting my time.

Normally I write just for myself, but to know I'm not the only one who . . . ah, admires these stories would be a big confidence booster, and an incentive to write them more often.


Cheers ahead of time.

Yin.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

It's hard to have sex on a plane. Awesome opening line!

Who wears pants for airplane sex? That was great for a laugh!!

You're not wasting your time. I found your story original, and quite clever in spots. And I loved the ending.

Well done, and keep writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not a bad story. It would be interesting to see where the next chapter goes. There are a few errors (an ellipsis is three dots with not spaces before, between or after and I found the use of the dash in one place awkward) but none that detract from the story.

Welcum to Lit, dude.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Waiting for it was like waiting for the electric chair.

And what drk said.

The tongue in cheek humor is delightful. I think it's a really good start.

You could have fleshed out some more of the storyline. We were left struggling to keep up at times.

Anyway, well done, welcome to the crazy house.

Elle

 

[Nasha]

Hi, Yin.

I want to echo the praise you got from drk, JJ, and Elle. Your opening line caught my attention, and your fluid prose, humor, and hints at a deeper story to come held it. Nicely done.

I do want to take you to task, just a little, and only because your writing and the story show such promise.

If this felt like merely a stroke story, I wouldn't care, but there's more going on, and the rest of the story feels real enough that I was bothered by the implausible sex--especially on the airplane. I get the feeling you wanted them to do it in their seats because it's more risky, and more original, than having them do it in the lavatory, but right off I don't buy Marci's rationale, that there's more room in the seats, and the image of her grinding on David's lap when a flight attendant could come down the aisle at any moment really marred my suspension of disbelief.

One way you might be able to overcome that is to have them get sort of caught--like you do with the blowjob in the cab. That the driver notices something, and David gives him at least a way to pretend he doesn't know what's happening helped me buy that one. In the plane scene, if a flight attendent happened by, and Marci dismounted toward the aisle, making it appear she was just climbing over to get to the loo, you'd have done a lot to quiet my doubt.

Like I said, if it was just a stroke piece, the implausible fantasy of it wouldn't trouble me, but if I'm going to get caught up in a deeper story, you have to earn and keep my faith in the world you're creating.

I hope that's helpful.

-Nasha

 

[sexymathstudent]

I've posted my first story at .

great job.

 

[Yinisanalterego]

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

You could have fleshed out some more of the storyline. We were left struggling to keep up at times.



Elle

If you could specify, I'd appreciate it.




And Nasha, you're right: the airplane sex scene wasn't quite what it could be. The idea of their being seen by a flight attendant is exciting; pity I didn't think of it to begin with. :/

In any case, part 2 is well under way (one scene left to tinker with, which I may or may not end up cutting altogether), and part 3 is being written as we speak (well, I'll get back to it after I get off the net, I mean. )

I also have another story, Mirandized, awaiting approval; I'll post the URL when it's available, and if you guys could take a look at it, as well, that'd be really great.