Thoughts from an old Dom

[celtic_rose6]

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine late last night. As I am sure most of you know, late night conversations can get very philosophical or very silly. This conversation turned philosophical. My friend was a professional Dom for over 15 years. His perspectives on the D/s world is very different from mine. I am a sub and have known this for only a couple of years. I have only recently found the courage to act on my desires so I am very new to D/s.

He questioned me on some of the conversations I have had since I've joined the Lit board. I will admit I have had some very interesting conversations. I have also had conversations that left a lot to be desired. On my profile, I plainly state that I am a sub. Just because I am a sub does not mean I am here to be abused by any moron who comes along. I have had some people initiate conversations who obviously thought this. I told this to my friend last night. He understood and we began talking about the D/s world. He had some interesting thoughts on the responsibilities of a Dom/me and of a sub.

As I understand it, a sub's role in the relationship is actually quite simple at its core. A sub's duty is to the Dom/me and to please that individual even though the Dom/me is actually focused on the needs of the sub. A sub willingly gives control to the Dom/me and has to trust this person with their health and safety. If the Dom/me pushes the limits of the sub too far, the sub uses their safe word and everything stops. This I know and understand. It was my understanding of the Dom/me's role that was lacking.

My friend explained that a Dom/me role is much more complex. Please keep in mind that my friend was a professional Dom and this is his point of view from his experiences as such. There are certain qualities that a Dom/me must have in order to properly dominate a sub. A Dom/me must be able to take complete control over a situation. A Dom/me needs to remember to engage the mind as well as the body to ensure the sub is fully immersed in the session. They need to understand body language and other unspoken cues as the sub may not be able to fully voice their needs. A Dom/me must be detail-oriented and they have to be good at making judgement calls. While the sub's world is very black and white, a Dom/me's world is varying shades of gray. They must know the sub in detail and fully understand their limits. When the limits are understood, it is easier for a Dom/me to push a sub beyond their personal boundaries. A Dom/me has to keep in mind that even though the sub may be experiencing fierce emotions when the limits are pushed, it is also a thrill for the sub. When the sub gives up control to the Dom/me, the control is reliquished in order to focus on themself. The Dom/me accepts the control and focuses on the needs of the sub. When this happens, the Dom/me is focused on the needs of the sub more so than the sub is focused on the needs of the Dom/me. As the sub is the focus of the session, it is the sub's need's that are foremost. The Dom/me may not necessarily receive pleasure other than the satisfaction of knowing the sub received their pleasure.

I know what I have written here may be basic knowledge for people involved in D/s. As I stated earlier, I am quite new to this. I thought I understood my role within a D/s structure but I found myself learning quite a bit. My friend is very generous with his knowledge and wanted me to share this with the Lit board. I hope it is useful to those involved in D/s. I also realize that this whole post is full of opinion, both mine and his. Please keep this in mind when commenting on this post.

P.S.
My friend wanted me to state that he is only semi-retired at this point. He finds himself drawn back into D/s because of his conversations with me.

 

[CutieMouse]

That's one dominant's opinion... as with all things in life, universal truths are rare things.

 

[Keroin]

While the sub's world is very black and white, a Dom/me's world is varying shades of gray.

When I stop laughing, I'll reply more thoughtfully to this.

 

[JamieJ424]

Interesting thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel about what he was saying. It sounded to me as if he was a bit tired and jaded after 15 years. To me, being a dominant comes naturally and easily. I invest some time in dreaming up creative punishments to use when the need arises, but the rest of it simply flows. A lot of it has to do with the relationship I'm currently in and the chemistry between us, but there it is.

I guess this fellow's description made being a dom sound like work. It shouldn't feel like work, IMO, and that's where I disagree with him.

Also, professional implies he was paid to be a Dom. How do you get that job?

J

 

[CutieMouse]

He questioned me on some of the conversations I have had since I've joined the Lit board. I will admit I have had some very interesting conversations. I have also had conversations that left a lot to be desired.

That would be because you are having conversations online. 90%[ish] of online chat-rooms [or Private Mail systems] are staffed with professional Horny Net Geeks [HNGs]. These are men (or women) who's sole purpose is to get off without actually paying for phone/cybersex.

On my profile, I plainly state that I am a sub. Just because I am a sub does not mean I am here to be abused by any moron who comes along. I have had some people initiate conversations who obviously thought this.

See HNG comments, above.

<snip>

As I understand it, a sub's role in the relationship is actually quite simple at its core. A sub's duty is to the Dom/me and to please that individual even though the Dom/me is actually focused on the needs of the sub.

Mmmmm... no; not necessarily. Maybe if the Dom/me is being paid to provide a service, but if a Dom's focus is solely on the "needs of the sub" I'd say the Dom is more of a Service Top. (Beat ya too it, Stella!)

A sub willingly gives control to the Dom/me and has to trust this person with their health and safety. If the Dom/me pushes the limits of the sub too far, the sub uses their safe word and everything stops.

Except in relationships that don't use safe words. And he also forgot to point out that a Dom/me can safeword just as easily as a submissive.

<snip>

My friend explained that a Dom/me role is much more complex.

I call bullshit.

There are certain qualities that a Dom/me must have in order to properly dominate a sub. A Dom/me must be able to take complete control over a situation. A Dom/me needs to remember to engage the mind as well as the body to ensure the sub is fully immersed in the session. They need to understand body language and other unspoken cues as the sub may not be able to fully voice their needs. A Dom/me must be detail-oriented and they have to be good at making judgement calls.

What he described is what I do every.freaking.day. at work. It is a vital part of my profession, and why I'm good at what I do. All of those characteristics also play a significant part of my parenting philosophies. Hell, I utilize those characteristics as a submissive in a relationship - my skills are used [by my lover] to take charge when necessary to the comfort and betterment of his life. My lover and I have to be on the same wavelength re:the emotional, psychological,intellectual aspects of one another. I need to read his body language, and sometimes anticipate what sort of service I can be to him. I have to be detail oriented and make good judgment calls to both make his life easier, and carry my own weight in the relationship. And yet I identify as a submissive...

While the sub's world is very black and white,

Seriously?

a Dom/me's world is varying shades of gray.

Really?

They must know the sub in detail and fully understand their limits.

Exactly as the submissive needs to know the dominant in detail and fully understand his/her limits.

When the limits are understood, it is easier for a Dom/me to push a sub beyond their personal boundaries.

When limits are clearly understood, it increases the odds that the two people will either be compatible, or recognize the need to move on.

A Dom/me has to keep in mind that even though the sub may be experiencing fierce emotions when the limits are pushed, it is also a thrill for the sub.

Kinda like it's a thrill for the dominant?

When the sub gives up control to the Dom/me, the control is relinquished in order to focus on themself.

Or maybe the submissive gives up control, because both of them like it, and the submissive is thinking about the dominant's desires more so than their own.

The Dom/me accepts the control and focuses on the needs of the sub.

Except when he (or she) is focusing on his (or her) own hunger.

When this happens, the Dom/me is focused on the needs of the sub more so than the sub is focused on the needs of the Dom/me.

Gotta call bullshit on that one, too.

As the sub is the focus of the session, it is the sub's need's that are foremost.

Why is the submissive the focus of the "session"? Why can't the dominant be the focus of the "session"?

The Dom/me may not necessarily receive pleasure other than the satisfaction of knowing the sub received their pleasure.

Not any dominant I know.

I know what I have written here may be basic knowledge for people involved in D/s. As I stated earlier, I am quite new to this. I thought I understood my role within a D/s structure but I found myself learning quite a bit. My friend is very generous with his knowledge and wanted me to share this with the Lit board. I hope it is useful to those involved in D/s. I also realize that this whole post is full of opinion, both mine and his. Please keep this in mind when commenting on this post.

It's a very different version of D/s than I'm familiar with, that's for sure.

P.S.
My friend wanted me to state that he is only semi-retired at this point. He finds himself drawn back into D/s because of his conversations with me.

And the cynical part of me now wonders if this whole thing is A) his way of trolling for business, submissives [in general], or start working his magic on you...

 

[teknight]

When I stop laughing, I'll reply more thoughtfully to this.

That would be because
</snip>

And stuff like this is why I lurv you ladies and hang around the BDSM forum.


*Goes back to reading*

 

[Stella_Omega]

There are professional Doms? Men, who get paid to do sex with women?

I know scads of proDommes, but that's a new one on me.

My friend wanted me to state that he is only semi-retired at this point. He finds himself drawn back into D/s because of his conversations with me.

I smell... money.

Or nostalgia, to be sure!

 

[DVS]

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine late last night. As I am sure most of you know, late night conversations can get very philosophical or very silly. This conversation turned philosophical. My friend was a professional Dom for over 15 years. His perspectives on the D/s world is very different from mine. I am a sub and have known this for only a couple of years. I have only recently found the courage to act on my desires so I am very new to D/s.

He questioned me on some of the conversations I have had since I've joined the Lit board. I will admit I have had some very interesting conversations. I have also had conversations that left a lot to be desired. On my profile, I plainly state that I am a sub. Just because I am a sub does not mean I am here to be abused by any moron who comes along. I have had some people initiate conversations who obviously thought this. I told this to my friend last night. He understood and we began talking about the D/s world. He had some interesting thoughts on the responsibilities of a Dom/me and of a sub.

As I understand it, a sub's role in the relationship is actually quite simple at its core. A sub's duty is to the Dom/me and to please that individual even though the Dom/me is actually focused on the needs of the sub. A sub willingly gives control to the Dom/me and has to trust this person with their health and safety. If the Dom/me pushes the limits of the sub too far, the sub uses their safe word and everything stops. This I know and understand. It was my understanding of the Dom/me's role that was lacking.

My friend explained that a Dom/me role is much more complex. Please keep in mind that my friend was a professional Dom and this is his point of view from his experiences as such. There are certain qualities that a Dom/me must have in order to properly dominate a sub. A Dom/me must be able to take complete control over a situation. A Dom/me needs to remember to engage the mind as well as the body to ensure the sub is fully immersed in the session. They need to understand body language and other unspoken cues as the sub may not be able to fully voice their needs. A Dom/me must be detail-oriented and they have to be good at making judgement calls. While the sub's world is very black and white, a Dom/me's world is varying shades of gray. They must know the sub in detail and fully understand their limits. When the limits are understood, it is easier for a Dom/me to push a sub beyond their personal boundaries. A Dom/me has to keep in mind that even though the sub may be experiencing fierce emotions when the limits are pushed, it is also a thrill for the sub. When the sub gives up control to the Dom/me, the control is reliquished in order to focus on themself. The Dom/me accepts the control and focuses on the needs of the sub. When this happens, the Dom/me is focused on the needs of the sub more so than the sub is focused on the needs of the Dom/me. As the sub is the focus of the session, it is the sub's need's that are foremost. The Dom/me may not necessarily receive pleasure other than the satisfaction of knowing the sub received their pleasure.

I know what I have written here may be basic knowledge for people involved in D/s. As I stated earlier, I am quite new to this. I thought I understood my role within a D/s structure but I found myself learning quite a bit. My friend is very generous with his knowledge and wanted me to share this with the Lit board. I hope it is useful to those involved in D/s. I also realize that this whole post is full of opinion, both mine and his. Please keep this in mind when commenting on this post.

P.S.
My friend wanted me to state that he is only semi-retired at this point. He finds himself drawn back into D/s because of his conversations with me.

There's one thing you have to remember about people. We all have opinions. And one person's opinion on something isn't always going to be the same as someone else. This is especially true when talking about something as intimate as sex.

And when you get into the so called roles of tops, bottoms, Doms, subs, Masters, slaves and everybody that considers themselves something in-between, you are talking about an awful lot of gray area...and a lot of gray area that's been thought through, hashed out and talked about between sexual partners for years. And after all of this, we still can't agree on a lot of things.

We're all individuals and we have our individual understandings about things. I have my own opinions about how I feel as a Dom and because they are my opinions, I consider them pretty much set in stone. I'm old, I've thought about it a lot and I've experienced a lot. It works for me, but I'd never assume that what works for me would be what works for someone else.

Sex is a very individual thing and kinky sex is even more individual. So while you might think your friend's opinion of things is "how it is", understand that it's how it is for him. While it might be a good place for you to start, if you are trying to understand some of this lifestyle, the more you know about yourself as a submissive or however you see yourself, the more you will develop your own version of "how it is" for you. It's never exactly the same for everybody.

 

[DVS]

There are professional Doms? Men, who get paid to do sex with women?

I know scads of proDommes, but that's a new one on me.
I smell... money.

Or nostalgia, to be sure!

While I guess I'm too old to think about it now, I always thought I had what it takes to be a pro Dom. And I thought it would have its own little kinky quirk to it. Trophy wives who don't get it at home from their husbands, because they are caught up in their work, or whatever...the misunderstood wife who has finally had enough of it, and seeks out the pro Dom to experience what has been building inside of her for years. Unleashing that inner woman...kaaaaaBOOM! And getting paid, too? Ah, the good life.

 

[FurryFury]

Interesting thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel about what he was saying. It sounded to me as if he was a bit tired and jaded after 15 years. To me, being a dominant comes naturally and easily. I invest some time in dreaming up creative punishments to use when the need arises, but the rest of it simply flows. A lot of it has to do with the relationship I'm currently in and the chemistry between us, but there it is.

I guess this fellow's description made being a dom sound like work. It shouldn't feel like work, IMO, and that's where I disagree with him.

Also, professional implies he was paid to be a Dom. How do you get that job?

J

Being of a sub mind set being a Dom sounds like a hellva lot of work I don't want to do. I mean it really, really, does. I have little to no interest in it. It sounds exhausting and detailed. Ugh.

LOL

Seriously.

FF

 

[teknight]

Being of a sub mind set being a Dom sounds like a hellva lot of work I don't want to do. I mean it really, really, does. I have little to no interest in it. It sounds exhausting and detailed. Ugh.

LOL

Seriously.

FF

I wouldn't say it's work, I'd say it's attitude. Of course, for some it might be draining to maintain that attitude, but, I don't see it as work.

 

[FurryFury]

I wouldn't say it's work, I'd say it's attitude. Of course, for some it might be draining to maintain that attitude, but, I don't see it as work.

And forgive me for not remembering, but which side of things do you fall on?

 

[teknight]

And forgive me for not remembering, but which side of things do you fall on?

Wherever the mood drops me off.

 

[FurryFury]

Wherever the mood drops me off.

I guess I'm just less flexible. That could account from some of the difference in POV.

FF

 

[Noira]

Being of a sub mind set being a Dom sounds like a hellva lot of work I don't want to do. I mean it really, really, does. I have little to no interest in it. It sounds exhausting and detailed. Ugh.

LOL

Seriously.

FF

I always thought that being a Dom meant you got what you wanted. Granted, yes, you work with your subbie to make sure their needs are filled, but THEORETICALLY HERE... shouldn't their needs be somewhat filled by meeting your needs instead of just kicking back and having slavegasms? That sounds just lazy to me, not like submitting. "Oh yes, Master Dommypie! I submit to you! Make me cum like the slut I am!"

The Dom/me may not necessarily receive pleasure other than the satisfaction of knowing the sub received their pleasure.

And Master Dommypie has to settle for giving her countless slavegasms because he must be pleased only knowing his subbie is happy?

Hmmmmmm nope does not compute.

That does sound like a pro additude, of course, because if someone's paying you to top them, they obviously want to get what THEY WANT. But if I'm a Dom in a relationship and I so happen to want my figurative cock sucked, well, better get on that, it won't suck itself!

In my oh so humble opinion (not so humble), a relationship is a two way street. Neither party should be only putting out. And while a PYL may have the mindset of meeting the needs of his/her pyl that should not be the only mindset involved otherwise it sounds pretty well to me like they're just submitting from the top.

Relationships revolve around two (or more) people as well as their needs. Maybe one person needs to meet the needs of another person to be satisfied. I don't discount that. Honestly, when it gets down to the nittygritty I probably have the mindset of a need-meeting PYL... but if I have a pyl whose only need is to lie back and enjoy countless sessions of pleasure by my hand or various other body parts, I'm pretty damn sure what they're doing counts as lazy, not submission. Not that there's anything wrong with that on occasion, but like I said... two way street. I've got needs too.

And it is VERY draining to maintain the additude of only ever meeting people's needs, and secondly, being satisfied with that. It may differ in fun-times, but when it comes down to work (I do not get paid to whip subbies into orgasmic agonizing bliss, unfortunately)... it is definitely work to not keep myself from tearing heads off occasionally.

 

[teknight]

I guess I'm just less flexible. That could account from some of the difference in POV.

FF

You know, the more I think about it- I think we're talkin' 'bout the same thing, but we're describing it differently.
It's all good.

 

[DVS]

I guess I'm just less flexible. That could account from some of the difference in POV.

FF

You're less flexible? I could help you with some um...positions.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

There are professional Doms? Men, who get paid to do sex with women?

I know scads of proDommes, but that's a new one on me.
I smell... money.

Or nostalgia, to be sure!

A few of the produngeons here have one Dom on staff, by appt only. Usually no sexing though, from what I've gathered from their profiles.

 

[subish2009]

Being of a sub mind set being a Dom sounds like a hellva lot of work I don't want to do. I mean it really, really, does. I have little to no interest in it. It sounds exhausting and detailed. Ugh.

LOL

Seriously.

FF

I've had a similar conversation both with my D-type husband and my D-type online SO and in both relationships, it shakes out the same for us (note the keywords "for us." I find this to be true, so this is how D/s works for me, but I fully understand there are many on this board for whom it's a totally different animal):

On the surface, it looks like the PYL has all the control and the pyl is just there to do as he says, make him happy, let him abuse her, etc. It took me a long time to see that, in reality, the pyl has way more power than is seen at first glance. Not only do I have a safeword, but neither of my PYLs are interested in engaging in play with me that doesn't turn me on. In both my D/s relationships, a lot of what they get off on is my strong will, my stubbornness, my petulance, my resistance (which is not to imply that I'm always like that...there are times where I slip into subspace at the drop of a hat and just want to do whatever the hell I can to please him NOW...and there are plenty of times that they don't care what I want and are happy to strong arm me onto the nearest horizontal surface and just TAKE). Neither of these men is remotely attracted to slave types. They want the challenge of not only making me submit after initial resistance, but making me BEG for the privilege of submitting to them. That requires them being able to push all my whimper buttons and tease me into a riled up submissive pile of subspacey goo.

If that's your goal, it IS a lot of work! Boundary pushing is a fine line to walk. The long tease is a fine line to walk. Ignoring "no" in someone you love romantically is a fine line to walk. There's a LOT of mutual trust involved, a LOT of risk taking on both sides, and a LOT of responsibility...on both sides. He has to know what he wants and figure out whether I want it, too, and, if not, how to make me not only want it, but NEED it...or whether he wants to just take it.

For me, what I do IS black and white. I'm just me. If I want to do what he wants, I ask permission to do so. If I want him to fuck me or if I want to suck his cock, I ask permission to do so, and he'll either allow it or not, based on what he wants. If he initiates something, I can fight him, which we both like, or give in, which I sometimes can't help. I have a hard time admitting what I want, so the "game" for us is them turning me into the wanton slut they want to see me be.

I wouldn't want that job. I'm much happier being told what to do. But I think that's half the appeal for my PYLs anyway: they WANT the challenge, so they WANT it to be work. That seems to be the catharsis for them: earning my trust and submission is what makes it fun.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It is possible to eke out a living as a "professional dom", provided that you have a good profile, can speak french to the garcon, look good in a dinner jacket, dance the tango and don't embarrass yourself in conversation.

 

[DVS]

It is possible to eke out a living as a "professional dom", provided that you have a good profile, can speak french to the garcon, look good in a dinner jacket, dance the tango and don't embarrass yourself in conversation.

DAMN! If I only had a dinner jacket.

 

[DVS]

I've had a similar conversation both with my D-type husband and my D-type online SO and in both relationships, it shakes out the same for us (note the keywords "for us." I find this to be true, so this is how D/s works for me, but I fully understand there are many on this board for whom it's a totally different animal):

On the surface, it looks like the PYL has all the control and the pyl is just there to do as he says, make him happy, let him abuse her, etc. It took me a long time to see that, in reality, the pyl has way more power than is seen at first glance. Not only do I have a safeword, but neither of my PYLs are interested in engaging in play with me that doesn't turn me on. In both my D/s relationships, a lot of what they get off on is my strong will, my stubbornness, my petulance, my resistance (which is not to imply that I'm always like that...there are times where I slip into subspace at the drop of a hat and just want to do whatever the hell I can to please him NOW...and there are plenty of times that they don't care what I want and are happy to strong arm me onto the nearest horizontal surface and just TAKE). Neither of these men is remotely attracted to slave types. They want the challenge of not only making me submit after initial resistance, but making me BEG for the privilege of submitting to them. That requires them being able to push all my whimper buttons and tease me into a riled up submissive pile of subspacey goo.

If that's your goal, it IS a lot of work! Boundary pushing is a fine line to walk. The long tease is a fine line to walk. Ignoring "no" in someone you love romantically is a fine line to walk. There's a LOT of mutual trust involved, a LOT of risk taking on both sides, and a LOT of responsibility...on both sides. He has to know what he wants and figure out whether I want it, too, and, if not, how to make me not only want it, but NEED it...or whether he wants to just take it.

For me, what I do IS black and white. I'm just me. If I want to do what he wants, I ask permission to do so. If I want him to fuck me or if I want to suck his cock, I ask permission to do so, and he'll either allow it or not, based on what he wants. If he initiates something, I can fight him, which we both like, or give in, which I sometimes can't help. I have a hard time admitting what I want, so the "game" for us is them turning me into the wanton slut they want to see me be.

I wouldn't want that job. I'm much happier being told what to do. But I think that's half the appeal for my PYLs anyway: they WANT the challenge, so they WANT it to be work. That seems to be the catharsis for them: earning my trust and submission is what makes it fun.

I consider being a PYL more black and white. Whatever the situation, I just instinctively know what to say or do. I don't consider any of it work. Work is something I have to do, don't enjoy a whole lot and it only pleases the thankless boss. Being a PYL is not only something I want to do and thoroughly enjoy every second of, it is my desire to please the boss (submissive) AND myself. It just fits my sexual personality and my desires.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A few of the produngeons here have one Dom on staff, by appt only. Usually no sexing though, from what I've gathered from their profiles.

As far as I'm concerned, doing BDSM in a pro setting is sexual, or a surrogate for sexual intercourse. And that would definitely be service topping with that damn misnomer that me and CutieMouse complain about all the time.

Who pays for MaleDom services, I wonder? I bet once in a while, some other Dom might buy for their sub, or else men ask for a strong arm whipping.

And how often are they requested? "By appt only" implies that there isn't enough business to keep them on the premises full time.

DAMN! If I only had a dinner jacket.

I do-- but I'm not that proficient at the Tango... I could loan you my jacket if you wanted to give it a shot.

 

[DVS]

...I do-- but I'm not that proficient at the Tango... I could loan you my jacket if you wanted to give it a shot.

The Tango? I've seen "Dirty Dancing". It's a piece of cake. But something tells me that your jacket wouldn't fit me. Looking good and confidant is part of the show.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The Tango? I've seen "Dirty Dancing". It's a piece of cake. But something tells me that your jacket wouldn't fit me. Looking good and confidant is part of the show.

And it fits me perfectly.

*goes to NetFlix to add Dirty dancing to the list*