Thoughts anyone?

[DanielOC]

This is my first story on Lit and I am looking for any comments that might help me improve my writing style and future chapters in this story. The story is "Swimming With My Cousin Andrea" and I am planning on posting several more chapters. This story is based on a real encounter I had with my cousin which is why it stops where it does. I am not afraid of criticism as long as it helps me improve in some way. Thanks to anyone out there who has advise for this aspiring erotic author.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Link to story here: Swimming with My Cousin Andrea Ch. 01

I liked it a lot; it was very good for such a short story. Not a lot of erotic content, but that's OK because I felt the story wasn't as much about sex as it was about the relationship between two cousins whose close but platonic friendship is threatened by their intimate feelings towards each other.

Despite the public comments to the contrary, I think you portrayed Andrea's evolving feelings quite well, which could have been difficult to do given that the story is written in the first person. In my mind, though, I could imagine how she had probably fantasized about having a romantic relationship with Daniel before. Then, in that one moment in the pool, she gave in to that desire and breathed a little life into her fantasy. Finally, confronted with the reality of what she and her cousin had done, Andrea retreats to think about the consequences and sort through her conflicting emotions.

I think ending the story by having Andrea leave was a great touch. It would have been too easy and predictable to have her jump into Daniel's bed right away, and now the reader is left with a sense of anticipation for the next chapter.

Now, a few suggestions:

• I didn't care for the "DD" breast size reference. There are a lot of different and more literary ways to describe breast size without using bra measurements. Though comparing them to fruit would probably be an even worse sin
• Check the punctuation & spelling. I know it doesn't matter to some, but I like to see good spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Why make the reader work harder than necessary?
• Don't use so many exclamation marks(!). In fact, I would say that you should rarely use exclamation marks. When I see a lot of them, I start getting this "golly gee" feeling about those particular lines. I think you'll find that your sentences read just fine without them (if not better).
• I would have liked to have seen some deeper dialog between the two, to give me a better sense of who they are and what their friendship is like.

As I said, a very nice short story, which was enhanced by incorporating your personal experiences. Looking forward to subsequent chapters.

 

[DanielOC]

Thanks.

I really appreciate your insightful commentary on my story and I tried to incorporate some of your suggestions in my second chapter. I am glad that you liked to ending or at least understood it. This story is based on a real experience and because of that the beginnings and ending of my chapters are already set.

Thanks for your time.

 

[spyro1123]

Well i had to read it twice before i could make a comment, thats always a good sign, it means you managed to capture my attention the first time around.

I loved the overall feeling of this story, who hasnt flirted with someone in the pool

Watch your tenses, you jumped back and forth a couple times,

With a giggle she lunged to my right but I catch her with my right arm and soon I have both my arms around her as she struggled to break free.

I think you could have used a little more discription of what it felt like to touch her back, what it looked like, how her breathing changed ect. You just kinda skip from there to her legs to grazing her pussy. A little more build up there might make it a little more exciting.

Going to see if there is a chapter 2 yet now

 

[DanielOC]

Thanks for reading

Yup, Ch. 2 is up but it is the wrong version. My edited copy is awaiting approval. It was stupid mistake but now everyone will think I can't write a complete sentence. Oh well, live and learn; that's a mistake I won't make again.