Those embarrassing moments.

[warwood]

This is a question to all. I think it will be theraputic for some, helpful for others, and down right entertaining. My question is, for any daring enough, to give up an embarrassing sexual moment in their lives. Now let me premise this by saying I've had many.
I was with my girlfriend, I can't remember if we were legally able by age to get the motel room at the Whitestone in NY. But there we were. Both excited by just the simple fact that we had a room to ourselves, we had gotten past the front desk. We laughed at the first time we had ever heard of the hospitality industries term of "short time" as a category. Yeah, we were short timing it. Then in the room the realization that at least one other person knew what we were about to do. Oh, the priceless moments of youthful innocence! In a bold move, my date sat on the edge of the bed and I stepped up to her, she reached out with a big smile and finger weaved her way through my zipper. Moments later I was free and sporting a serious anvil hard woodrow.
Moments later I was doing a pretty good impression of a tongue depressor and can just imagine the SEG on my face. I recall being told not to touch her hair, so I assumed that superman stance with my fists on my waist and a slight tilt of the head to the side.
She went at it for a while and had me on my tippy toes a couple of times. Those waves of approach were now occuring closer to each other, until it was now a steady and increasing urge. Then all of a sudden, it stopped, everything. It took effort to pull my head forward from the reclined position my neck had assumed, and as i opened my eyes to look down at her. That beautiful braces filled smile was looking up at me and she uttered those hallmark words now so common in jokes and gags. " Tell me when your......". Sure, I said, I will. Looking back on it, it wasn't a lie, really. Soon after returning to our activities, it was amazing how I rescaled that peak so quickly and it actually caugth us both by surprise. The first contraction, was followed by an audible and throaty gurgle, and then, being the truly loving person that she was, selfless even at that age. She jerked back and without missing a beat, continued to manually induce further contractions. Now, after reliving and ultimatelly disecting this event. I think her her motivation was the curiosity of watching the biological mechanics of what was occuring. But take it from an ex marine, never look down the barrel of a rifle if you don't know if its loaded.
The second contraction was a powerful one, as by then I was looking down and completely paralyzed in total pump mode. It flew like a pearly camelions tongue darting out and landed directly in her eye. Her reaction was instant and she seemed to have been stunned. As her eye closed I saw a tear of it run down the side of her face. Again, just sheer love is all i can say, because she didn't even lose a beat and continued administering her manipulation. When it had come down to a slow lull, we looked at each other and began laughing, I mean some of the most intense laugther between two people that you can imagine.
It started slowly! What was to follow. It began with her eye just getting red, then redder, then bloodshot, then to the point where I was getting worried. Then, the swelling. Within thirty minutes it looked as if I had clocked her in the eye! I mean it was almost swollen shut. I ran around the motel in my underwear going from ice machine to ice machine with a dam cardboard bucket. We filled a towel and pounded it in the tub to crush the ice in it and started applying it to the eye.
Visions of the emergency room interagation from an admitting nurse and that fateful question of, "what got in it"? To say the least, we cut our visit short and I'll admit I owe the Whitstone a washcloth that we confiscated for reasons of a medical emergency. I walked her up to her door, it wasn't too late, and she quietly unlocked the door so as not to wake her parents. Her mother was on the other side of the door as it opened, standing spectrally in the dark hallway. I said goodnight, and the first thing out of her mothers mouth was, "what happened to your eye", as the door closed behind them.

 

[warwood]

a second embarrassment.

Same girlfriend. We had a secret dress code. When I came to visit her at her house. Oh, and to you liberal parents, don't let male friends into your daugthers rooms. We are all scallywags! Well, the code was, if I came over and she was wearing her cutoffs and a t-shirt, something was happening. It would take time to get up the courage at first, but with the help of a creeky wooden floor down the hallway, we could tell if anyone was approaching her room. Her parents were generally in their respective chairs in the livingroom in front of the TV, and a quick cordial salutation was always followed by a sharp tug from her to follow down to her room. After a short and progressive tease, yeah ladies, we do look and notice a glimpse of that little rabbit staring back at us. Ok, some call rabbits, hares. Thats all it took for me, just the thought of her not wearing undies, pow, I was ready. She'd sit on the edge of the bed and reach down and pull that tattered denim crotch over and I kneeling between her spread thighs where I would find heaven. I'm catholic, there was guilt involved with all this, being in the kneeling position, but I never experienced nirvana like this in any church. My kneecaps would buckle and snap under the pressure of the thrusts that would follow and our loving embrace with total stealth mode, like a chased world war II sub, we performed in total silence. Attentive to any steps that could be heard coming down the hall. We were old shoes at this. We had gotten good at getting one in so to speak.
Until that day! It was going so well, we had all the necessary provisions in place for that inevitable clean-up and evidence disposal. I was in shear ecstacy and was at that point, that point where your not cumming but oh so close. That moment of shear loss of reality, of time and space. Of lustful swirl of intertwined tongues highlighting it all. I resisted the pull, that tightrope walking, but welcomed the fall and then we heard the steps. It was unmistakeable, someone was coming down the hall, slow, steady, but undoubtable the approach. She drew back unto the mattress, and that last rasp of flesh down its length was enough, it emerged and dear lord it had a mind of its own. Stuff flew everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Any attempt at trying to control it or get a handle on it, made it convulse even more. She ran to the door, a blocking move to render me a mear few second to pry it back into its confines. A quick placement of a book on my lap and I was camoflaged from the state I was in. Her mom entered her room, made a quick glance around and asked if we were hungry. Moms! Sure a soda would be nice. When she left and we giggled, huddled together by her bed, I glanced up to see something slowly dripping down her wall, behind her bed, do you think? Could she have noticed? nah! I think!

 

[warwood]

The Rex Motel, Jacksonville N.C.

Well, apparently I'm the only person that gets into these embarrassing situations. Yeah, right!
I was stationed with the Marine Corp in Camp LeJeune, thats where I met my x-wife. We used to go off base every weekend, and the Rex Motel was quickly becoming our weekend retreat away from base. The place was run by a Hindu (Indian) family, with dad at the front desk and mom and the kids as the service staff. It was getting to the point where they started recognizing us every friday afternoon when we showed up. Our weekends were pretty much just us two in the room with short trips to a nearby bar for a couple of drinks. Well, we actually started to get a little crazy in the motel at nights, returning with a good buzz on. The first incident was the hole in the wall. We were going at it and all of a sudden it was a game of screwing on every piece of furniture in the room. We had completely done the bathroom, from showering together, (she did drop the soap, and paid for it) to taking her while sitting on the bathroom sink and dislocating it from the wall. We were in the bedroom and somehow I had her impaled on me, with her legs wrapped around my waist and jumping up and down on the mattress. Well, I lost my balance and we fell sideways, with her falling back and me forward. BOOM, we really crashed hard, and hit the wall together and her head went throught the sheetrock wall next to the bed. I mean, a huge hole! well, we didn't think much of it, are minds were in settling some kind of fuck challenge we had going. Next morning, we woke, in that blue tinted haze of a serious hang-over, where the sunlight hurts and any noise is just a little too loud. And we both stood there gazing at the cavernous hole in the wall next to the bed. Why are we the best fighting force in the world, quick thinking, thats why. Within minutes we had removed a picture frame from an opposite wall, pulled the nail out too. Renailed it an inch or so above the upper edge of the hole, and rehung the picture over it. We stepped back with a smile knowing we just might get away with this. Even if the picture was hanging four feet off the floor. And we were gone. Well, needless to say, three weeks later, that had become our room. Everytime after that, that exact room was held for us. I guess they figured they could at least minimize the extent of the damages by keeping us in one room. Oh, and after the incident where we left the four pieces of rope tied to the four corners of the bed, the oily shower curtain, and half empty bottle of baby oil on the bed. I think that made it a done deal, but thats another story.

 

[warwood]

A rant.

Ok, here's the briefest of rants. Here, I thought, of all the things that a bunch of well adjusted individuals like the ones I've met here on Lit could do, is post some humourous moments of sexual embarrassment. Leave it to me to find Lit's Achilles' heel. Then I thought, and observed the one sentence reply rule so common. Rationalizing, its hard to tell of embarrassment in one sentence, or put to much time into writing about it and reliving it. I thought, shit, who hasn't gotten his porn collection confiscated when young, with male porn included, or a million other hilariously funny things that could happen. Maybe, some of those embarrassments weren't funny? I just take that for granted since all of mine have been. At least looking back on them now, that's how I feel about them. Well, I still have hope someone will step up and take that step to relive something funny, at least looking back on it for them now.

 

[warwood]

Rusty

I wrote about this in another board. I was 17 and she was 34. She was a friend of another neighbor in my apartment building in New York City. We started hanging out together and became really close friends, not to mention the sexual tension that always arched between us. Well, one day she invited me to a party. We got to the party, on a hot humid NY evening, hung out until a little past midnight and realizing we were a little, no actually a lot buzzed, we decided to head out. We took a cab to her place and it seemed like only moments after we were in her apartment, that we were naked in her bed and ripping the sheets off the mattress. It was definitely and ethereal experience, with the delicate bluish glow of light that streamed in from the curtainless window in her bedroom. The grayish tint it gave naked skin. But I had enough reasoning and wit of mind to judge the situation and I was going to impress her no matter what. I set out and we eventually touched all the bases that early morning and the better part of the following day. In a lull between some of this, she was lying on her back, I was staring down her slim torso and the curse and shadows that formed in what seemed like an old black and white movie. It quickly occured to me what I wanted. I started my long progression down her front. Kissing, licking, lite biting, and reveled in her every reaction and twist. But as I got closer to her mound, i was quickly nudged away. I was persistent, and continued administering anything that kept her in the moment, and was soon rewarded with my target. Her thighs were hanging over my shoulders with my arms wrapped tightly around them, and I was face deep and giving her the sloppiest tongue lashing imagineable. Everytime her ass lifted itself off the mattress, i dove in with renewed gusto. We stopped when my tongue was numb and she was just plain worn out. I staggered off the bed, sporting a chubby that pointed my way through her dark apartment towards her bathroom. Once inside, I pee'd like a racehorse and went over to the sink. i glanced up into the mirror in a brief glance at myself and had to take a second look. I stared into the mirror at my self and brought a finger up to the rusty red Fumanchu mustache i was wearing. I stood there for a moment, trying to grasp what this meant and then it dawned on me. With a big smile and everything become really clear about the happenings of the previous hour or so, I washed my face. With some toothpaste down the length of my index finger, I rinsed and went right back at it. Never told her about that little incident, but thinking back at it now, like she didn't know!

 

[Guttergoddess]

To prove you're not the only one who knows how to have "embarrassing sex"

My kid bro got an appointment to the Naval Academy. It was Memorial Day weekend of his plebe year. The whole family decided to drive down. My now ex-husband and I included. We had a camaro at the time. We were only married less than a year at that point. Driving back up, I was driving, and decided to be a little naughty. I told my husband to pull his pants down...and I started giving him a hand job. Traffic was heavy, but travelling at a steady pace, so I was able to play with him, and keep control of the car. We get on the Deleware Memorial Bridge...and traffic comes to a dead stop. We were pretty far into it at this point. Just as he erupts..I look out the passenger window, and realize that the lady in the SUV next to us not only has a birds eye view, but she's watching everything! He shot EVERYWHERE. As we hadn't planned this little interlude, we had nothing in the car to clean up with. I found a sweater in the backseat, and cleaned off his lap, and licked my hand clean.

 

[warwood]

Funny.

See, now thats funny.

 

[Guttergoddess]

When I was dating said husband, I had a bookcase bed. For those of you who don't know what one is, the headboard is a bookcase. Therefore, there is a wide flat area on top of the headboard. We were having a romantic evening, so I put candles around the room, including the headboard. He's on top, and leaning forward thrusting...leans a little too far forward, and his hair which was "shaggy" at the time, goes into the candle...all of a sudden...we smell burning hair! I reach up and am smacking his head trying to get the fire out....suffice it to say, we melted into a pool of laughter.

 

[warwood]

The Few.

Let me start off by saying, Marines are the Navy's Infantry. But on ship we have very little to do as it pertains to the day to day operations of the vessel. So, as such, we tend to play pranks and sometimes go overboard (pun intended).
We had this guy, who was a chronic snorer, I mean bad! So, a group of us collectively decided to cure him of this habit. One slow Saturday off the coast of------------------. There he was on his rack, in the middle of the birthing compartment, flat on his back, mouth ajar and ripping some extreme snorts and snores. This guy sounded like an untuned chainsaw. So a quick visit to our supply locker and we had a fresh roll of duct tape. Navy beds or racks are a tubular frame hinged off a brace with a canvas panel laced inside the perimeter of it. So this allows you to completely incircle someone in it as it is suspended and jutts out. So while he slept, we carefully started to wrap him in tape and encasing him from head to toe. After he was completely sealed in, one of us got up and gently straddled above him and whipped his dick out. Another guy stuck his finger down the guys throat. As he started gagging on the finger down his throat, he awoke to see this guy above him, with dick in hand and surrounded by 6 or 7 other guys laughing. well, to say the least, he started screaming and almost tore out of his wrap, we eventually ripped the tape off him,and he tore off after the guy with his dick out. It took us about a week to convince him, that he wasn't violated and added that he was definitely an inviting target with that mouth opened like it was while he slept. Sure enough, he never snored again, and slept from then on, on his belly with his face buried in the pillow. We planned on trying to pull his underwear off and smearing the contents of a mayonnaise packet on his ass cheeks, but we never got to that.

 

[warwood]

the proud

Now I'm getting flash-backs. To say the least, we never made much money in the service. so a common practice was for 5 to 10 guys to rent a room in a motel. A place to fill the bath tub with ice and beer, crash, start fights, throw empty beer cans from, watch some tv, stagger into or get dragged into after a hard night of libation. In these fine establishments of hospitality there were social workers that made the rounds, providing counseling and theraputic interaction. Believe it or not, while they made a living, frugality was popular and getting it for free was always the method of choice. but on this occasion, when she appeared in the open doorway to the room and peered in and asked if anyone needed a date, she was received with a mixed chorus of cheers and jeers. Two guys wanted some action, so the rest of us filed into the bathroom or stood outside while the first guy went at it. Of course we were going to watch! And did a pretty good impersonation of a totem pole stacking heads around the corner of the bathroom door looking into the room. First one, then the next, then another, someone hit the national cum reserve with this bunch. But this story is about the last guy! Who's name I will fain from mentioning. After doing his thing and us giggling at the conversation he was having and how removing a blouse can become a bargaining chip for an extra five greenbacks. We listened attentively in the bathroom as he obviously was at it again and was fast approaching to a thunderous climax and then as this guy was in the throes of sexual climax, he screams out, MARINE CORP! Well, he'd have to pay for that small indignity and poor choice of misdirected pleasure. but what followed, took the cake, just when we were thought he was done, another bargaining session started. Yes, he wanted his dessert! For a additional surcharge he could go down. That was the final straw! We waited, and when he was in the middle of his custard appetizer we all bum rushed the pair and in a lighting strike deposited the duo outside the room and closed the door on them, naked. There's another story about when the girls management showed up looking for her clothes but I guess that can wait to be told.

 

[warwood]

Starsky and Hutch

Ok, this one.l was in a sandbag fox hole with a buddy. He was from Ohio. We had clear orders to not allow anyone, anyone to pass our check point. We had the death corner point.
We look down the powder dusted road and see two individuals walking towards us. We assume positions. Being the less stable of the two, I walk out to the road, ready to challenge and my buddy is backing me up from the bunker. As the two approach, there's a slight swagger to the walk these two have. I might not be able to identify one bird from the other but I know when I see plumage. I stop them, and in my awful arabic, tell them, yalla, emshey, beat it, hit the road! Two large smiles come back at me from two guys about 18 or 19 years old. One snaps his hips to the side and puts his arm over his friends shoulder and says, hello GI! Being the devilish dog that I am, the plan almost pops into my head in a flash. lets play! one of them is wearing a t-shirt with starsky and hutch on it. I point to the shirt and say, you like? And with a big smile, he says, Starsky, Starsky and Hutch, I love, as he strokes the front of his t-shirt with the palm of his hand.
So I tell them, don't move! And they freeze. So i go back to the check point bunker and tell my buddy, dude, come out and check these guys out. So he follows me out and when we get up to them, they smile and wave hello. So I step away from them and pull my buddy by the arm and in a low voice say, "which one do you want"? What! in answers. Which one do you want! Want what, what are you talking about. Come'on, we don't have much time for this, take your pick, take him in the bunker, and do him! Do what? Shit dude, they want it, take the one you want in the bunker, and do him good, fuck him! Listen, I'm letting you go first, and your getting your pick, so make it quick and decide. He stood there and i could see the thought going through his head as he looked back and forth from one to the other, trying to decide. I stood there, looking at him and finally couldn't bear to see the turmoil in his little brain. Your actually thinking about it, aren't you, I said. With a look of complete terror as if caught red handed, he said, Your fucked up! I roared and kept telling him, you were actually thinking of which one to decide on. I finally went back out and told our two new friends thay had to leave and pointed firmly back down the road and they got the message and walked away, turning around every so often to wave. We never did guard duty together after that.

 

[warwood]

the hospital visit.

Married life was bliss. there was nothing like getting up on a saturday morning and smelling the coffee, and bacon crackling in the pan, and stepping into the kitchen and seeing my wife in a hot pink danskin leotard! You know, the ones with the snaps on the crotch! All i can say is, take cream and sugar with that coffee? Or walking in and seeing her by the kitchen sink, arms elbow deep in soapsuds, and walking up behind her and pressing myself into her warm ass cheeks and reaching around her and helping her do the dishes, a la "Ghost". To say the least, we had fun.
One night we were going at it. It was a hot night and we were slick with sweat. Our house at the time didn't have any air conditioning. But we just loved to work up that sweat with each other. Everything was slippery in the room, and we were just delirious with fuck lust. She was on her knees, legs spread wide, her back curved and her face buried in the pillow. I had a grip on her hips and was trying to see if skin could get hot enough to smoke with friction. I was just playing, sliding it all the way out and slamming it back in. The noise it made as the wet skin on her ass met the slap from my sweaty hips. I just kept seeing how far i could pull it out and then slam it back in. We somehow and without warning shifted our alignment at the most inopportune moment and I slipped and missed my target! Yeah, I know what your thinking, ha, ha, you got her pink little rose bud. It was a little more severe then that. I actually snagged, let me repeat that, I snagged her taint! And it ripped! I'm not shitting you. She bolted forward and did a reenactment of the motel scene by smacking her head on the headboard. A sharp yelp and her hands went down and clutched her crotch. Opps, sorry, sorry, hun, are you ok? She was now rocking back and forth laying on her side. I looked down and see the blood, and i mean alot of it. Holy shit! i get up and it was a blur from there, dressed, out the door and down to the local scotchmans gas station to get a box of pampers. back home, pampers opened and placed like a big, pad and off to the hospital we go. THREE STITCHES! I waited in the emergency waiting room and the doctor came out and all he said was, buddy, you have to take it a little easier from now on. I just responded with a silent nod.
When she came out, she did the funniest bowlegged cowboy walk down the hall to me and I hugged her. Behind her stood two nurses slanting around her to catch a glimpse of who the ripper was. We kissed and walked out and she whispered in my ear, wait until I get your ass! And she meant it.

 

[warwood]

In the Jungle.

In Panama, we were attending jungle school. We had this course to traverse. You had to land navigate from one station to the other and at each you had classes and practical application on jungle warfare. We were at one and it was nutrition. Simple stuff like observe what the indiginous population ate and some basic trapping and hunting techniques. Well, this guy was teaching this class in the middle of nowhere and behind him he had five crates with rabbits in them. In the middle of his class he reaches down and pulls out one of the rabbits and cradles it in his arm and pets it, while still talking to us. Now this is a Army Special Forces Instructor, and we're all Marines in front of him. he tells us that we have to be able to hunt and field dress game found in the wild and do it with whatever we have available. At that point he wrings the rabbits neck and drops it to shake for a second, then dead. he reaches down and grabs another one and turns and says, who can do this. One of us raises his arm and walks up and gently grabs the rabbit from him. He turns an says it's important to do it quickly, and tells the guy, ok, go ahead. The guy turns the rabbit on his back and looks at the instructor and bends down and bites the rabbit in the throat! The rabbit kicks twice and he's gone, but the kicker is that when he pulls away from the rabbit, he yanks the rabbits tendons and throat out with his teeth, not to mention the blood. The instructor see this and then turns to us and we're all just sitting there, some grunting uh, uh...... He pulls the dead rabbit out of the guys hands and says, you guys don't need this class, get the hell out of here.
Well, most days we had to sleep in very sparse and simple bedding and ready to move at a moments notice. Bugs, everywhere. Bugs that stung. So as luck would have it, I get a bug up my pants and it stings me in the balls! Next morning when I got up, I could barely move with the size of my nut sack! It was huge! I mean the size of a grapefruit or slightly larger. I get to go to sick call. I'm standing there in front of a military doctor, a major and I'm standing with my legs spread and he's got a pair of rubber gloves on and is palming my balls! Squeezing them! So I'm pissed and being the wise guy that I am, he looks up and says it was a sting and an ice pack will get the swelling down. Doc, I'm just worried if its poisonous, the swelling ain't that bad, it can stay like that. He quickly stood up, turned and out he went. The ice pack was worse then the bite, my balls were frozen. I got dropped of where they found me and off i went to catch up to my platoon.

 

[warwood]

Dante's Inferno

OK, so military life isn't for most people. What a surprise when they made it voluntary, we got more people wanting to join then ever, go figure. but one of the high points is been around the world, literally, figuratively, and sexually.
It was in the philippines, on a west pac, a cruise, oh, oh, just dated myself! The bars there were insane. from dancing girls that inserted bananas in their pussies and then walked the bar and squatted over your drink, pushed a small piece of banana out and pinched it off with her pussy. It fell and made the beer fizzle to overflow like a piece of alkaseltzer in water, shit, coyote ugly couldn't hold a shit stick to these places, wild. That's right, the shouting would start and the guy would chug the beer down and swallow the chunk. it's amazing how in every port we arrived at, we would get a security briefing and a list of off-limit establishments. Gee, someone had done all the work for us, we had a list of all the hot spots! we go to this one place and the claim to fame is some serious stage shows with extreme debauchery. I'm cranking them down like there's no tomorrow and feeling it, all of a sudden, the lights go out and the stage spotlight goes on. A guy walks out and drops a chair in the middle of the stage. Moments later, a small, petite girl comes out with a bag. Well, to make this short, she could chew gum with it, from sticking coins in it and dropping out the change she wanted. She lite a cigarrette and sat on the chair and placed it at the opening and undulated her stomach and it made it drag on the smoke. Then she'd get up, walk over to someone and squat and push the smoke out in an exhale. She shot mamonsillo fruit( a small miniature leechi fruit) out of her cooch like a rifle.The finale was the boa snake. she pulls this six foot snake out of the bag and sits back on the chair, she's got a little can of what looked like tiny shrimp. She spreads and reaches down and tucks a shrimp in and the snake weaves it's head flicking its tongue and actually starts prying her open to get at the shrimp! Well, now I'm tripping, I just can't believe this. Finally, she jams some in and this time the snake is really up her cunt, so she stands up, snake dangling from her crotch, grabs her bag and walks off the stage with the snake trailing like a tail from between her legs.

 

[say_please]

Warwood, you have some damned funny stories!

I'm afraid i only have one i can think of oops, just thought of a second-hey i might be on a roll now lol.

Allright, first story. I was old enough to know how, but not old enough to tell you here how old i was, but driving age might give a good hint. Anyhow, my sister and i were dating best friends and one afternoon while my parents drove us to our grandparents for a visit, we decided to go to my boyfriends who was just down the block.

so we're there sitting on his bed, necking like crazy, slowly the clothes came off, lots of kissing and nibbling and everything was great right? well, then came the moment of insertion, i was flat on my back, legs in the air, holding so still for him, trying to make it easy (teenage boys are so eager!)

well, i guess he was to eager, cause the next thing i knew, he had canned himself on my pussy and i got the delights of heeing his prick shrink like a popped balloon! Then he had the nerve to say it was my fault! cheeky bastard.

 

[say_please]

6 months or so after my first story.

i had been dating this guy for about 3 months at the time, we fucked like rabbits everytime we had a chance. we both attended a school that had a thing called directed study wednesday, which was where you went to school at 10:00, signed into homeroom and then were supposed to pick your classes, have your teache sign your agenda before you left for the next class, show your agenda to the homeroom teacher at the end of the day. i.e. show up for homeroom, forge signatures for 4 classes, go to the boyfriends house and fuck all day, wobble back to school for afternoon signout (couldnt skip that, cause they had this nasty automated system that called your house at dinnertime that said, "your son, or daughter, was late, or absent, for one or more classes today)

anyhow, busy screwing our brains out in his bedroom when his mother came home. caught red handed? oh yeah, we left the door open and there was no missing what was happening. oddly, i think she was in shock, cause all she said was "close the door next time" god was my face red!

 

[say_please]

same guy, happened before the last one, so i think his parents already knew lol.

we had a habit of watching movies in the basement under a blanket wher hands could roam freely. Well, one night it was more than just hands, he climbed in the saddle and was riding hell bent for leather, our pants down about our ankles when he dad came trapesing down the stairs. all of a sudden, he tried to pass it off as tickling so i squirmed and giggled like a good girl under him and though we had passed it off (naive girl lol) problem came, from the fact my wiggling set him off, so he was making these mulish grunting noises in my ear as his dad went downstairs...i couldnt help it, it made me laugh harder than ever, which apparently does aamazing things to the muscular contractions of the pussy...

 

[warwood]

The price of gas

Just out of Infantry Training School we hit the town for the first time. i've got a buddy with me, a virgin, who wants me to walk him through getting a date for the night. I promise him he's going to lose his virginity that night. In no time we find the cutest girl and within minutes we're in her room. Now when I say the room was small, you have no idea. It had two beds up against the walls and only a foot between them. She says how do you like it, doggy I reply. Hell, not only do you get some but get to watch it all at the same time. The guy with me has his pants around his ankles and is sitting behind me, with his dick in his fist and choking it. I'm getting ready to slide it in and I can almost feel his breath on my ass. So, I start getting working it and I'm looking down and watching it slide in and out and all of a sudden, while I was looking right at it, this girl rips a fart. I mean I saw her asshole vibrate! She turns around and says, Oh baby, your fucking the shit out of me! OK, I can deal with this, then all of a sudden, i get hammered by this sneaky gust. Whoo! and I snap my head back, its a chemical attach, or should I say, biological, hell it's lethal. Now let me just say at this point that I've never had a git-r-done problem, as a matter of fact, I've always trusted on the judgement of my little buddy on these matters, and he had had enough. The little bastard lays down on the job. I mean, I tried to smack some sense into him, off her ass cheek, but he was scared. After a half hearted attempt at asking what the warranty policy was on this sort of thing I yanked my pants up and was shit out of luck.
Well, my buddy is now ready to go, so i side step out of the way and he's on it in a blink. I didn't even take a second step when this guy pumps her twice and says, ahhhhhhhhhh and keels over onto her back. What the ........! Outside, I just looked at him, and said, do me a favor, don't ever go out on the town with me again. I don't think he even heard me with the big shit eating grin he had.

 

[warwood]

Thrill of the Penny.

After you read this, of which all is true, proceed at your own risk if you attempt this. Well, I've been reading human sexual exploits back when it was called Penthouse Forum. In it I read about a guy who had a pension for tinkering and trying different things sexually. Apart from some weird and at face value, questionable attempts like the alka seltzer tablet in the vagina, or water filled and then frozen condoms as dildos. Blow jobs with toothpaste in the mix and all kinds of stuff. One elaborate set-up caught my eye. It was rather simple. Get a TYCO model railroad transformer, that puts out 12 volts. Disassemble the plug to the railroad track and seperate the wires into two individual cables. Solder a penny onto the end of each wire and your set. set for what you say, well, you take one penny and tape it to your ankle and the other penny onto the ankle of your partner. plug the thing in and any and every contact between you is met with an electrical tingle. You see, the transformer has a dial on it, its what controls the speed of the trains on the track. So you set it down real low and gradually crank it up to your hearts desire. Well, days later I had been to the hobby shop, and Radio Hut, and all the stuff was assembled in my basement workshop. I was so excited to try this thing out that I forgot some basic electrical principals. Though we are 75 percent water, it takes a little voltage and amperage for current to travel and with skin moisture helps. So, me and the wife (and looking back at it, she had balls doing some of the things we did) taped the pennies on our ankles and started touching as a test. We felt a very slight tingle, and the dial was turned up, we kept touching and it was now noticeable, but we wanted more and turned it up, I touched her nipples and you could hear it crackle like static electricity off her nubs. OK, now we're talking, but lets get a real buzz and we turned it up again. Well, the point is, this thing was almost at full blast when I finally lined her cooch up and jammed myself in! I shouldn't have done that! See, the inside of her vagina was wet, I mean wet, and when I went it, positive contact and full flow of voltage. All I can say is that we actually her her pussy and my dick audibly buzz. She jumped, I jumped and we ended up on opposite ends of the bed. Well, actually we got the hang of how to use the thing. And it was awesome to be in her and reach over and slow turn the crank and feel the tingle. Tongue kissing was another extreme thing to do, and I won't even mention what a saliva coated finger up the ass was like.

 

[warwood]

mothra

This was embarrassing at the time, but it goes to show how things have changed. I was in college at the time, my major was fine arts and a minor of philosophy. I wanted to become an art teacher, go figure. Anyway, I did a lot of work for the art department in school which included some set design for the theater and dance troop. I knew this girl in the dance theater and all I can say was that she was so fine I never made a play for her. She had one of those dancers bodies that was all sinewy muscle and flexibility that was just amazing. I had done some work for a show they were putting on and we got to spend a lot of time together. So, it was kind of a surprise when out of nowhere she asked if I wanted to attend a party she and her roommates were throwing. Hell yes I was going. Showed up and had a blast and at about three in the morning I asked if I could crash there cause I was zonked (and driving dad's borrowed car). Sure she said, and dragged me into her room that was the coat room for the evening. Her bed was mound of coats but I just kicked my shoes off and crawled up under all of them, and off to la la land I went. Who knows how long after that she came back in and crawled into bed with me naked. I awoke to her pulling my pants down by the legcuffs and soon I was laying on my back and she was doing a good impersonation of a bucking bronco rider. We kept our antics up throughout everone leaving the party and coming into the room and picking through all the coats undulating above us on the bed. This was a firday night into saturday morning into saturday night into sunday morning. I think i walked out of the room just a couple of times and always naked, once to get some sodas and a pizza we ordered and the other times were to use the bathroom and we showered together. I could right a book on that weekend alone. She had a bi roommate that took the oppurtunity to come in and enjoy her for the first time that weekend. It was a fuckfest blurr. She could grab her legs and fold them a spread and hook her feet behind her head, I called that "clam on the half shell" it was amazing how it just opened up and after easing myself in her, the curverture of her back made it possible to rock her forwards and backwards. She could stand in the doorway to her closet in her room and place one foot in the corner of the floor and doorway and raise her other leg and place her other foot in the opposite corner of the doorway! She was in a one legged standing split! it made kneeling under her and slobbering oh so delightful. I won't mention that we screwed to the point where her diaghram got dislocated and we spent a half hour with our finger alternately up her pussy trying to grab a hold of it to pull it out.
i got home that sunday to "where the hell have you been, and is there gas in the car"? Well, about two days later, I was sitting on the can and man was my dick and balls itchy! I'm sitting there ad all of a sudden I see what looked like tiny specks of white lint on my pubes! But they were moving! Holy shit, what the fuck was this! You set this up even further, my dad was a college professor, so in the house we had a library in the study. Off I go in there and sit down with a medical book and having an idea of what it was, I turn to "body and pubic lice"! As my luck would have it, they had a photo blown up 500X times actual size of a pubic mite, holy shit, this thing was like a godzilla movie character. It did look like a crab! Spines, thorns, eight legs, it was mothra. Well, thought it wasn't easy, I did get the courage to pull my mom over and explain the dilema, she was a retired nurse. I think a sulfer based shampoo took care of it. The second dilema was to tell my partner, and I knew it wasn't me who had it to begin with. Well, I got so pissed that I figured she could find out the same way I did, screaming alone in her bathroom staring down and my splayed legs and pubic hair.

 

[warwood]

I'm not alone.

I used to work in New York for a major rail transportation company. I don't know what it is about railroads and freight yards. It might be the fact that they are generally located on the outskirts of towns and surrounded by warehouses, piers and trucks. Generally pretty desolate places. But one thing is always present, hookers and the apparent lonely men that frequent those places! In the ten years I was with the railroad, I saw some pretty insane, funny, bizarre, and embarrassing things. I also met alot of these ladies of the night....ah, not professionally! I was still married at the time! It was a geographic connection, we all had to be there for professional reasons. Some were awesome people, others, walking dead. Some were talented and a little down on there luck, some trapped in a life they couldn't shake. But all were survivors, and inventive.
Like the ability to drop a condom in their mouth and put it on the john with her mouth as she goes down on him! Impressive, and awfully smart! But there were some crazies and of that type there were two versions. Swallowers, and spitters. Some were so fine you wouldn't hesitate to bring them home to meet mom. But it was inevitable for the job to wear them down to fractions of there former selves in no time, Sad!
I can remember a small person (thats the p.c. for a midget) hooker that was the funniest person in the world. Oh, being short wasn't the funny part, shit, little people need love too. She was pretty popular too, so she was a player. Funny thing was her outfits! Garters, fishnet, babydolls, in minature! Funny is the question: Who makes that stuff anyway and in those sizes and for who? Midget hookers? Alas her sad outcome, her demise I will not mention here.
Now embarrassment is an objective thing. Some people can stand in front of you naked and not be fazed. Others turn beet red from the mear mention of anything sexual. We had a guy, an employee who would regularly releave himself with the services of these ladies. But the funny thing was that he wouldn't leave the yard to do it, or for that fact, they wouldn't come on the premises either. He'd stand chest pressed on a chain-link fence in the corner of the yard, cock poking through the fence. He'd hold a twenty from one end and the girl on her knees and working feverishly on the other side of the fence and also holding the twenty from her end. He came and would let go.....of the bill, and she would get up and was off into the dark. This was regular! Some newbies would make the mistake of driving into the confines of the freight yard to ply their trade. I drove into the yard one night and I saw a girl, flat on her back on the hood of a Lincoln Continental, legs spread and feet on the front bumper. How the guy standing between her legs and pounding for all he was worth could avoid tearing his balls off on the hood ornament I don't know, but there they were. Five minutes later our k-9 police came in and caught them in the act! Something about a bone and a dog nearby makes me shiver in that situation!
I used to conduct train inspections in New York City at night in places that ghosts feared to go. I pulled up into this small yard, next to some tracks, the train was minutes away from barreling down right in front of me. A minute later, a NYPD patrol car pulls up next to me, "hey, whats going on" they ask. "I'm on duty, waiting for a roll-by" I say. They point across the open parking lot behind us at a car sitting in an extremely dark corner, "he with you" they ask? No, I'm alone. OK.
Off they go and drive up to within 200 feet of the car, no reaction. They get out, and still no reaction. They walk up to within 100 feet of the car, still no reaction. They start walking towards the car and the closer they get the lower to the ground they get. By the time they got up to the car, they're both crawling. One on each side of the car, they stay there for about 10 minutes watching the show! I can just imagine the moment when they chose to stand up and start pounding on the windows of the car screaming "get out, police", and what was happening inside the car.
The time a guy and a gorgeous girl were fucking in a freight car, it was getting switched from the receiving yard to the main yard to go out that night. They felt the thunderous boom of the train coupling on and paniced and bailed out of the car naked, only to see it take off into the night. They were escorted into the yardmasters office and sat wrapped in blankets in the lobby for about an hour until the cops got there. Handcuffed and put into the patrol car one of the cops came back and said, ok, so wheres their clothes, and we pointed at the box car sitting right in front of the yard office. he retrieved them and put them in the patrol cars trunk and got in laughing his ass off.
We had another employee who lost his money every friday night after cashing his check. We eventually found out that he had two girlfriends of the night he'd take out every friday night so he could pay to get lucky. He said he was in love and had the receipts to prove it. They'd get him drunk, pull down his pants around his ankles, and took turns working him over and at the same time, rifling through his pockets. We had to put a stop to this, his borrowing on Mondays was getting old. So, fridays, we'd strip him of everything except for $50.00. He got drunk, they pulled his pants down, and found $15.00 in his pockets. Both petite girls kicked his ass! That wasn't enough to get the kneel down! He never went back, or at least with them.

 

[warwood]

Fucking the pooch.

Ok, this is where I made my money. Not in those long days of shear boredom in a freight yard working for the railroad, but in those moments of panic and frantic action. yeah, right!
The call gets out to me, the LI dumped it going over the hump, they can't get it back up, they think they lunged a shank or a knuckle! Get out there and get them going. And don't fuck the pooch on it, we need it quick! What the hell are they talking about you say? Oh the railroad has an uncanny ability of naming things with no shame. Here are some examples, and all true RR lingo.

A knocker.......a car inspector.

A pettcock.........a valve that opens or closes airflow on either end of a freight car.

A gladhand......a coupling device on the end of the airhose connected to the pettcock.

Humping a car.......a method of pushing a car with a locomotive and then releasing it so it can travel on its own.

A hump yard....a switching/classification or interchange yard, usually equipped with a small tracked hill where freight cars are pushed over the crest and travel on their own momentum to different tracks.

The retard.....a person operating the retarder if not automatic, which is a device that pinches the freight car wheels to slow it down.

King Pin or Donkey Dick......a large steel rod that serves as a pivot for the freight car truck with the undercarriage.

A cumalong.......a manually cranked winch of cable or chain.

Getting it up.......charging a train to operational brake air pressure.

Dumping it.......an emergency brake application by releasing all brake air pressure.

Dropping a Load......derailing a freight car.

Fucking the pooch........taking your sweet time with something, being slow. Milking it.

Lunging......Yanking a knuckle out of the yoke, or cracking a knuckle shank off.
Ah....its a broken coupler...the thing that holds the train together.

There are hundreds of these terms. So, the translation is, the train has lost all operational air brakes, going over the crest of a bridge, they are in emergency application and can't regain pressure. They believe the train has seperated. Go replace the component and hurry up!
So, off to the races we go, but the problem is, where they have come apart you can't walk to. It's over and on a RR bridge with no provisions for pedestrians. We grab a SW1500 load it with a coupler and we're off. ten minutes later we're coming to a stop at the rear end of the train. We have informed the crew that they have men on the ground and on their train. A verbal blue flag is issued and no movement until further notice. We walk up a couple of cars and meet the conductor who leads us to the split in the cars. Sure enough, we replace the knuckle and now clear the train of all personnel and call up to the engineer. "Come back, 20 feet to the hitch". "LI" back on the hitch". No answer! "LI" back to the pin"! the conductor is now getting pissed. " That son of a bitch, where is he, if that fucker is asleep"! "LI. you read me"? I'm going to kill him, and off goes the conductor, walking the 70 freight car lengths back to the locomotives. Now twenty minutes have gone by and we call up again, "LI" back on the pin, to a hitch"? We leave the crew brakeman there to make the hitch and head towards the locomotive ourselves. As we approach the engine walking, we notice the engineer and conductor standing on the catwalk of the engine with there backs to the engine compartment and facing out. We climb up, walk to them and say, what the fuck is going.......shhhhhhhhh, the conductor points out towards the building below us. "Look". Now there are six of us in a row shoulder to shoulder along the side catwalk of this train locomotive. We all turn and when we look, below us is a motel. Directly in front of us is a window with the curtains fully parted. In the room is a woman laying on her back on the bed, legs locked straight up and held in this position by the guy pounding her for all he was worth. All we saw was flexing white ass cheeks as he pounded her. We stood just staring when in a final ass clinch, the dude had made his bank deposit. he staggers backwards and turns to face the six of us, standing side by side on the side of a railroad locomotive. He slowly walked up to the window, head bowed as he looked up at us in disbelief. We got caught and as if to ease the shame, one then two then all of us started clapping in an applause. When he finally stood close to the window, with a straight face he looked at us, flaired out his arms and swung one infront and across his midsection, the other snapped to his back, held them there and bowed at the waist. He rose stretched both arms out as if on a cross, grabbed both curtains to either side and snapped them close. When we got back an hour and a half later, it was either explain what had just happened and hope they believed it or be accused of fucking the pooch.

 

[warwood]

The Avacado

Yes, you can. Even in a war zone, you can get in trouble. I'll just say this, I found something laying on the ground and was sort of accused of picking over the dead. As if! Like I was going to find anything of value. Has is got a wallet? Only kidding. Trully I found it laying out in the open. Now no one was going to take it from me! Carrying a rifle around does have benefits! But I was going to pay for it, with, shit detail! Oh, its simple really. Take a metal 55 gallon drum, cut it in half, put a seat on it, and you have a toilet. What, when its what, oh, full! When its full, full of shit. That's simple too, "shit detail". You take a 5 gallon can of diesel, petrol, fuel oil, whatever. You go out and take the seats off, pour equal amounts of diesel in all the shitters, get a stick, stir until a smooth mix is acheived and then burn, baby, burn. Whats left is a fine white dust of ashes. So, that was my payment, doing shit detail. A corpman (naval medic) goes with you to supervise this complicated process, as if you can screw up burning shit. Well, I grab my gas mask and get my gloves and start popping the cork on these cans and all of a sudden........wow, holy shit. In one of the cans was a deposit of garantuan proportions. it was the size of a large avacado and now that I think back on it, real close to the color too.....sorry, just being accurate. I stood there transfixed by this phenomena, and the implications it made my brain and overly active imagination conclude. Someone was loose in our mits. I mean ass slack! I call the corpman over and say, dude, check this out. He stands next to me and a big smile spreads across his face and he says, "wow, wonder who that belongs to". he turns towards me and catches me staring at him and the glazed look in his eyes". "You falling in love", I tell him. "What", he says. "Pull your panties out of your ass, I'll be right back" "Hey, where are you going", he says. I got to get a witness. 5 minutes later, five of us stared down into the can, first in disbelief, silently, whoever it was, they had to have been in labor pains. We almost picked it out to preserve the evidence. But decided on a different approach. We'd stake out the latrines. Two days of constant vigil, everyone that used it, fell under the scrutiny of the poop police. Then, it happened. He went in, came out and left another behind. We had our evidence. Now came the interogation! We approached it with tact and delicacy. So we asked, hey dude, whats with the fucken logs your shitting. In shock he stood with mouth ajar. Yeah, we kind of noticed by accident that your packing some hefty trunk turds, if we didn't know any better you could be mistaken for a kangaroo. Your packing a pouch back there. Your turning marsupial. He fained any knowledge of sphincter slack. We told him we were all gentlemen there and any one of us would kindly take him out to supper and even push his stool in at the table. Get it, push his stool in, well we thought it was funny. We're going to keep an eye on you. We were looking for the guy to say, fuck you all. As if anyone really cared, we just wanted anyone that could shoot straight. He transfered soon afterwards, wonder why?

 

[warwood]

Peanut Butter.

I heard about this or read it somewhere. I think its an urban legend. But the story goes that a woman had this habit of playing with the family dog. Her technique was to get naked, go to the kitchen and pull the jar of peanut butter out. Apply a very well placed smear of the paste on her pussy and let the dog in the house. After settling comfortably spread legged on the livingroom couch, Rover took over, if you know what I mean! Well, the story goes that it was her birthday and after no reaction or recognition from her husband that day, she was a little depressed. So, her plans were to come home early and feed the dog to her hearts contentment. What she didn't know was that her husband was planning a surprise party for her that evening! So she gets home early, and not known to her, there's about 30 people in the dining room quietly waiting to surprise her. She in her anticipation starts ripping her clothes off the minute she gets in through the front door, leaving a trail from the front door to the kitchen. She dips to fingers in the cool jar and dabs herself and then goes out to the backyard calling for the dog. Nothing?! So, she starts walking around the house calling for the dog loudly and when she gets to the diningroom and bursts in, shes met with the 30 people jumping up and screaming "Surprise". To all their shock, there she is, butt naked with a jar of peanut butter in her hand and her pussy looking like a melting "Bit-o-honey" piece of candy, looking for the dog!

 

[warwood]

Run silent, run deep.

After I got seperated from my wife of fifteen years, I lived alone for about two. Dated this lady during that time that would drop down on it at the mear mention. She was very daring and there are a couple of New York cab drivers that can identify me from my ass tattoo's alone. Initially, the cab thing all started with a hand on her knee in a cab and an adventurous wandering to eventually stroke the outside of her moist silk pantied crotch. The second time it was pulled to the side for better access. Then the thrill was to see if she could keep a straight face during it all. Well, we sure did graduate into more and more daring activities. Getting sucked was always a tremendous turn on to both of us and after we noticed that the cabbies were as into it as we were, it got even more extreme. Very few didn't adjust the rearview mirror to get a better look. We did eventually fuck in a couple of rides. But what happened next was a little more extreme then that.
Her daughter who was 24 at the time, invited us to go clubbing in the city. So, her daughter and boyfriend, my date and I all jumped into the boyfriends beamer and off we went. Had a great time and danced up a storm. The BF was the designated driver so the rest of us took advantage of the situation and drank liberally, maybe a little too much. We got into the car and headed home down the westside hwy, and to my surprise a hand was laid in my lap. My dick stretched out like a lazy cat getting up from a long nap. Some quiet fumbling and she yanked it out, all while I was trying to make some small talk to keep everyone distracted. I don't know if she thought we were in the back of a cab or what, but she bent over and took it like the champ she was. All I can say is that, you can't talk continously through a blowjob, and when she would answer "ummmm, ummmm, mumble, mumble, slurp, ahhh, yeah", to a couple of questions, I think everyone knew what was going on. I just gave up and sat back and enjoyed the ride home and the climax going over the unversity heights bridge was extreme. Well, we got to my dates place and she dragged me behind her into the house not even recognizing the goodnights from our company, i turned to wave and was met my a big smile and a wink from her daughter.
Weeks later, I met the young girl, and to this day, I swear she just set out to draw the bump from me. She said she wanted to go out to dinner with me, then a walk through the park, then I can't explain how we got to the motel. Well, I can but it embarrasses me until today. Suffice it to say she saw more of the car incident then she let on that night. We did everything possible within the time we spent together, and what she asked me in the throes of passion was so nasty it sent me over the edge immediately. Mom found out about our encounter and it never really effected our relationship, and the way they would huddle and whisper and giggle now makes me wonder if it was all a set up.