Those Crazy Vampires Are At It Again

[athena_by_night]

Despite the lack of apparent enthusiasm for my vamp series outside of my friends, I plunge forward. Yes, I am tooting my own horn...but I would love to hear from you about what you think. Anything that improves my writing skills via feedback is a good thing.

Maybe it doesn't have enough erotica in it, but if you read between the lines you will see the tenderness and love apparent with the occasional dose of lust. Its good stuff, I promise.

So please...give me feedback... I'd appreciate it...

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Marie,

I'm afraid I don't have time to read your saga, plus I don't much care for vampire stories- but I did notice a few things skimming your work.

First, the paragraphs are a bit on the lengthy side. Not hideous, but a little long for reading on a computer monitor.

Consider this one, selected at random:

Luka bit his wrist, causing a beaded line of red liquid to form. He gently laid it against Pyotr's mouth, bringing his other hand up, to lower his jaw, so that the potentially life-saving fluid was pooling in his mouth. Once his mouth was partially full, Luka closed it, and then started stroking his fingers gently against Pyotr's throat to see if he would swallow the liquid. He didn't want to force the man's head back, not with his head wound. Once that proved to be somewhat successful, he repeated the process. Pyotr never regained consciousness, but his throat muscles would work and force the healing blood in as it was stroked. Finally, Luka sealed his wrist and stepped back.

Any reason it could have been broken into two, or even three?

Second, I think you could do with less adverbs. In the above paragraph there are at least five. Search for "ly" and they should jump out. While these are valid words, they are clues that the writing could be stronger. For instance, instead of 'stroking gently' did you consider a more precise verb, such as 'pet' or 'caress'? In many cases, the verb is ideal- the adverb is extraneous and should be deleted.

For more information on this topic, please see:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Third, the opening is the most important part of any story- especially online; that's where you hook readers. Or lose them.

This is the opening of the first chapter:

Stephanos, resplendent in unrelieved black except for his blood red silk cravat gazed pityingly down at the young girl bowed over the fresh gravesite. Her bitter and copious tears only served to feed his growing hunger. His violet eyes glowed in the gathering gloom as he searched for the right emphasis on which to continue his pursuit. Having grown bored with the usual hurried feeding frenzies of his youth, he had a deep-seated yearning to replenish himself with this tortured beauty. Her wrenching wails excited the blood coursing through his veins. Stephanos hesitated no longer, stepping out of the shadows.

Marianna was beside herself in her grief. Her arms wrapped around her middle, mourning Dmitri. The townspeople of Dubrovnik leaving her to her own devices. Unforgiving in their condemnation of her, for what they perceived her role had been in Dmitri's death. Marianna and Dmitri had had such plans. They were to have been married in the chapel of their village, Dmitri insisting that being a soldier was a credible way to earn the necessary money to set up their household. With his death, their dreams had died. His family unrelenting in their hatred, for they had never approved of her. Marianna was in such despair, she considered ending her life. Then she could be linked forever to Dmitri. Sensing a presence behind her, she raised her tear-drenched emerald eyes framed by her black mourning veil to the man hovering quietly


The first paragraph, imo, is good. Ok, the first sentence is a little clunky with that respledent bit, but the rest is excellent. The tension is there and we're right in the middle of it. I want to know what happens to her.

The second paragraph is a detour from the mood set by the first. Instead of carrying that momentum forward, we pause for backfill. Not only is it dry as a history lesson, it tells the reader too much too soon. Why not let the reader wonder, at least a little while, why she's crying on that gravestone, who's buried there, all that? The opening is about presenting questions to the reader, not answering them- right?

Ok. That's my three hints

In spite of your lamenting the lack of interest, the response to your story seems to be both overwhelming and positive. Many stories never garner a single comment. With such a following as you've earned with your story, you must be doing the big things right, so please don't take these little suggestions as anything more than they are.

Take Care,
Penny





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[athena_by_night]

Dear Penny~

Thank you so much for the feedback you did give me. One of my friends has been telling me that my paragraphs are too long! LOL He will be delighted that someone else agrees with his viewpoint. When I initially wrote chapter 1 I didn't envision a chapter 2 and when I wrote chapter 2 I didn't envision a chapter 3. So, there is definitely a lot of information there.

Now that it is eleven chapters in total, at some point, I do need to go back and revise chapters 1 and 2 to hone them. And yes, I do have a loyal fan base of friends who have been extremely gracious in their praise. But then again they love vampires. Go figure! *I love you guys....you know that...

I can definitely work on my adverb usage. I think that my paragraphs get descriptive because I hate writing dialogue, something I need to work on and think I did improve upon in later chapters. Definitely the sex scenes were toned down and not as frequent in later chapters as I got caught up in the story. I know this probably had an impact as well.

Thank you once again for taking the time to respond to this thread.

Marie

 

[windstormy]

RVC'd Chapter 9. And Craig is reading Hunting Dagon. He's not doin too bad today. He woke up with a slight headache, but after a tall glass of ice water and a couple ibprophens, he was himself again. I've actually enjoyed his company all day. He's all smiles and jokes. Kinda being a little kiddish, and it's cute.