This will more than likely get more than a few responses!!

[Treat]

OK, so here goes......

Anyone ever been involved in an IR (interracial relationship? If so,which is or was more important to you as a part of it...Your mate's well being and the acceptence of you by her family? or was it The relationship itself, not caring what yur partner's family may think or say?

Just curios as to what others might say. Yes I am involved in an IR relationship, and yes I am engaged to her. No it isn't a curiosity thing, I have been involved in more IR relationships than same race ones. It isn't a fact of prefference or anything, just me being me and life happening. And before the questions start to form and everything, believe me, I know what it is like. Growing up, I was put in the hospital because of my dating prefferences from an ass whooping from 5 guys. I do know how it is to be in one cause my first marriage was an IR relationship. I am just curious as to the question asked because of my fiance now, and her mother's & grandmother's views. Nothing will change the way we are according to her, but I know family acceptence and all is very important to her.

 

[Softly]

Family concerns

Hi Treat,
I have never been in an IR relationship, but have observed several.

In a perfect world, this question would not come up. Until twenty years ago, being White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant (WASP) was the key to the privileged class, in America. The Catholics and the Jewish people have been admitted now in corporate America.

Your girlfriend's mother and grandmother are interested in protecting her. Life is hard when everything is good: college degree, WASP, money in the family,good job, etc.
And let us not forget; "are you an attractive couple."

What Mom and Grandmother are seeing is a couple that will not be accepted by white males or black woman. Employers will wonder if by hiring you and promoting you, will they lose customers? I suspect that since you are divorced that the girl is younger then you. If that is the case, Mother and Grandmother are thinking she will regret the relationship which could produce children who are not accepted by anyone.

Should you be willing to separate her from her family?
I would bet against that relationship.
Good luck to you.








[Edited by Softly on 07-22-2000 at 05:10 PM]

 

[Treat]

Thanks for the reply Softly.

Yes, she is younger than I am, but only by two years. I was married and divorced young. It isn't a fact of seperating her from her family, but just her having that acceptence is what is desired. We both have talked about this in great length, and she wants the acceptence and approval, but it is not a requirement for us to have the life that we want she tells me. Believe me I do know how society and the world as a whole is as far as inter race relations and predjudism.

I know it is easier said than done, and she is not like I was when I was younger than I am now. At first I was like accept me for me and all or not. My life does not revolve around anyone but myself and who I choose to spend it with. This went for my family as well though I did want their acceptence. It was kind of rough at first, but know everything is fine. Of course there are those specially on my parents sides of the family who have disowned me, but I do not let their decisions or way of life affect me. If they aren't with me they are against me in this and that kind of attitude and that kind of people I do not need in my life.

 

[Melody_lane]

haha!

The thread topic seems quite ironic given the # of responses!

 

[Nicole]

*Standing and clapping hands*

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Well said Melody

 

[Skibum]

Treat, my wife and I are an inter-racial couple, and we have been together 21 years. There have been times that were difficult, especially when we were first married. It was more of an issue for my family than hers. Eventually my family came around, and they love her and accept her. It is a matter of patience and mutual respect.

 

[Treat]

Yeah I guess you have a point there Skibum. I mean this isn't my first IR relationship, while it is her first. Hopefully with time and patience it will all work out. Though it is her grabby that worries us the most. Granny doesn't play that.

 

[Skitten]

Treat I do not disagree with your decision to be in a interacia relationship, the problem ususally comes up when there are children involved. Kids have enough things to deal with. Without having to be riduculed at school and kids can be mean at school even if you raise your kids to over look the cruelty of others it happens no it doesn't make it right, but the fact remains that it happens. And it damages a lot of kids as well as their parents relationships because they cannot help the kids who are doing the teasing to their kids it just hard in this day and age. Just try and remember that her parents are trying to protect her from society. Good luck to you I just hope that all goes well for you just give her some time and don't rush into anything. I am just remembering what the kids said when we were growing up please don't take this to heart it is just meant for you to think about.

 

[Treat]

No problem Skitten! I know where you were coming from. We have thought about all of that and everything mentioned. We both know society can be cruel, and intolerable at times. We have said that it just needs time like I said before, but just the acceptence by her family is what we really seek, and maybe it is no not waiting that seems to be the hard part. But I know we will be all right.

 

[Skibum]

Treat, our kids have had a few problems with people who are insensative (or just plain assholes) about being of mixed race. A lot of this has centered around athletics (we have 3 sons, all of them have been or still ar HS athletes), where tempers sometimes flare up and things get said. Others have been at school. One incident involved my oldest son when he was called a "chink" by a classmate. The entire varsity soccer team took the kid to the principal. It's nice to know that there are some really good kids out there.

 

[Treat]

SkiBum, there are still some nice people left in this world as you mentioned. I think I would have loved to see a soccer team taking some kid to the principal's office.

True enough kids will be kids and can be cruel. We all have been there before in one way or another I am sure.

It just falls back to society being as it is, and people more or less judging a book by it's cover.

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm Chinese and my husband is white. We've never had a problem with either of our families, and I am truly grateful for that. I am one of the few people I know who has great in-laws.

A kid doesn't have to be of a mixed race to be teased. As a kid I got teased all the time, and I am full-blooded Chinese. I got called Chink. I was asked over and over, "What country are you from?" (My answer was always, "THIS ONE.") And there were always the kids who found it amusing to pull their eyes tight to make them like mine and then babble in a mockery of Chinese. (I don't even speak enough to be able to order in a restaurant, anyway.)

Kids will always tease others that are different from themselves. If not for their race, than some other characteristic. Hopefully, their parents teach them this is wrong, and as they mature this urge disappears. However, reading this board, some people never grow out of it. (That's assuming we're all adults...)

My kids have only just started school, so I'm not sure what level of teasing they'll have to endure. Most likely, though it will be because of their unusual and long German surname, not because of their looks.

 

[Skibum]

I did not intend to give the impression that there is rampant discrimination in the schools my kids have been in, because that is not the case. There have been a few isolated incidents, that were usually handled very well, both by the kids and the school authorities. We have lived in small towns in Vermont (the whitest state in the union, BTW), and our kids have always been among the leaders in their school, academicly, athleticly, and socially. They have been the only minorities in their school most of the time, yet they have had ample opportunity to fully participate in all facets of school life, contrary to expectations. It helps that they are good students, excellent athletes, and generally pretty likable kids, but they have also been lucky enough to be in a school small enough that bigots have a hard time hiding in the crowd.

 

[Treat]

Now here is a good question, and there are more than a few people in this world that I know personally who are like this.

Why is it that some people do not consider, say, a caucasion/oriental, or caucasion/latina, or african-american/oriental or latina relationship and interracial one? Where they do consider a caucasion/african-american relationship one?

This has always been a wonder to me, and still have no clue as to why.

 

[Cheyenne]

A guess for you Treat

Maybe it has to do with perception of extremes. All the first pairings you mentioned are of couples a "shade or two different" than each other, for a lack of better terminology. But the contrast between the two extremes, black and white, is more stark to the eye. That combination stands out in a crowd.

Just a guess. I thought about it, and do find that I think I may do just what you say as far as who I consider to be IR couples or not. The only explanation I could come up with, right or wrong, is the one above. Let me add that IR couples don't bother me, either. But I would tend to notice black/white before other pairings.

 

[Weird Harold]

Another theory

I think that you've described what is mostly an American predjudice that derives from a couple of centuries of "miscygenation laws". An unfortunate byproduct of slavery and Jim Crow.

There is still a large segment of the population that grew up "knowing" that caucasion/black relationships were specifically forbidden by law.

Add in the thousands of asian "war-brides" that resulted from the occupation of Japan, Korean war, and Vietnam War and you get a wider acceptance of caucasion/asian pairings.

Cheyenne's observation about extremes like blonde/black pairings being more noticeable is probably a large part of the problem.

I know that a black man with a blonde woman is something that triggered a deeply hidden predjudice in me when I first encountered it. I have since gotten over that gut reaction, but it caught me by surprise at first, because I thought I wasn't predjudiced. I have no idea why that particular combination affect me when a blonde man and black woman has never bothered me in the least.

As my reaction shows, perceptions of what is "inter-racial" isn't always a concious thing. It's not always a result of childhood indoctrination. Sometimes it's just an instinctive reaction to one of "them" intruding on "our" territory. I've come to the tentative conclusion that my reaction was an expression of tribal values. i.e. "It's OK to raid their tribe for women, but it's not OK for them to raid ours."

 

[Naked Hunny]

I was involved in an IR relationship for almost a year which resulted in my mixed daughter neither of our families had a problem with it. My problem now is that my fiances parents wont accept my daughter because she is mixed or me because they consider me "dirty" for having slept with another race. They say I am not good enough for their son. They even told me that if my daughter was white it would be a different story. I have even seen them treat their own grandson so badly just because he is also mixed. He is ignored, left in his crib for hours. One time he started crying and i went to pick him up i got screamed at and he got beat for crying. I am almost ready to go to the authorities and have that child taken out of that home but i know that my soon to be sister in law will have her heart broken if one of her children are taken away( she is 19 has two already and a third one from her fiance whom she has only known for 3 months but who am i to judge people). Its true though the ones hurt most from IR relationships are children, and that comes from the prejudices of others.

 

[Treat]

Naked.... You are in tough situation, and I can't really say anything that I am sure you have not already thought about. What I will say is this, and this is my own opinion.

As I stated in one of my replies on this thread, acceptence(by family) is desired, and we (my lady and I) want it. But we both have also said that if either sides cannot accept her and I, then we do not need them. For those two children to be in that type of situation I can imagine is pure hell. Why keep them in that type of envirnment then? Again comes the desire to be accepted by family and peers. Then you have to ask yourself a question, and think about it. Does the desire to be accepted reign above all else, or does the treatment of the children take the leading role? I agree as I have said before about the world being cruel specially kids. But I know as far as myself is concerned, I would not allow that type of thing to be a constant in my life. If your fiance accepts you, which he must in order for the two of you to be engaged, and his family doesn't, then it should be prevelant to you that you and he together is what matters to him and not what others think.

Acceptence is good and always desired by the human soul, but stupidity and ignorrance can always be overlooked.

 

[Skibum]

Wierd Harold is, once again, right on the money. My wife was accepted by my family (eventually), but if she had been African-American I do not think my family would have been as quick to accept her. Our culture has a tradition of "war brides" from other cultures being easily accepted, but it is much more difficult for many people to accept an Afriacn-American into a Caucasian family, and vice versa. There has been too much of a fistory of slavery and Jim Crowe for some people to overcome. It is wrong, it is hateful, and it is contrary to the principles of our Republic, but it is an unfortunate fact of life.

 

[Treat]

I guess that is a good point to look at and i would have to agree. But, there really is nothing one can do but wait and see what time will tell.

As far as "warbrides" and all.. My ex-wife is what is commonly referred to as a warbaby. She is half African-American, and half German. And I know for a fact she had to put up with double the amount of shit. One because the, I guess you could say regular Germans discriminated agaisnt persons of this mix. And two that she was with an American. Number two goes for any german national really among those of the older crowd and down right hard german nationalists. The world is so messed up on race relations that society cannot see what really matters. And that is that no matter who is involved, it is still two people together who love one another.

 

[dancinvixen]

ok, I saw this one and I just had to respond. I am involved in an interracial marriage. My husband is Korean, but of course he looks Mexican, (don't ask me). It really steams me when I get dirty looks from the white guys. Almost as if they think that since I "lowered" myself to "go outside my own race" that I am not worthy of them. You have no idea how many times I wish I could say, "Yeah and how many of you actually treat your woman the right way????" I've had way too many bad relationships with white guys (apology to the nice ones) to go back. I mean a little fling is ok once in a while, but for all the love and emotional and mental support, I think I'll stick to my hubby.