This Thread Is For Critique

[_Land]

I am opening this new thread for posting of poems you want to workshop, or have others give suggestions on. There may have been one at some point in Life at Lit, but not since I have been here.


If you are sensitive to what you write, and what you write is not for others DONT POST IT HERE.

Remember the poem is yours! what is posted is just other's suggestions or takes on your Emoted Expression.


AGAIN IF YOU DONT WANT TO EDIT YOUR POEM DONT POST IT HERE.



_Neal



Lets work on those poems!

 

[_Land]

Please tear this up

Selfishness


understand "to try", really!
past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table
then, put your last penny too

sell possessions for passions sake
success comes from sacrifice

Its your turn to die

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Please tear this up

Selfishness


understand to try, really
past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table
then, put your last penny too

sell possessions for passions sake
success comes from sacrifice

Its your turn to die

"understand to try"? not sure how this is suppose to work, not with the rest of the stanza anyways. "try to understand" works, so is the order switched to make it sound poetic, or am I missing something?

Who is "your"? suggesting that the general reader should die? :eeks: the poem seems to have a specific audience, but I'm not sure who it is...

HomerPindar

 

[OT]

Sorry, but I mostly just don't get it.

The first line can go unstated, or as Homer mentioned, say it in plain english.

"Success comes form sacrifice" doesn't feel right at all.
'tis a true statement, but why make it here?

The last line went zooming right over my head too. I don't see the relationship.

The parts I would keep and build upon are :

put your last dime on the table
your last penny too
sell your possessions

now understand
past mere physical effort
real sacrifice

 

[_Land]

Thanks Homer, Ot, I can see it would help to understand the poem...... The edit is posted above.

Perhaps I need to re-do the punctuation on the first line!

First the poem is about the title



understand to try, really
(understand what it means to try)(really)
past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table (refer to line one and two)
then, put your last penny too

sell possessions for passions sake (Refer to line one and two)
success comes from sacrifice

Its your turn to die (refer back to title)

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Please tear this up

_Land,

I am taking the liberty to rewrite it as I see it.

'Real try' means making sacrifices
past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table
then put your last penny too

sell possessions for passions sake
your turn to donate for your cause

Regards,

Selfishness


understand "to try", really!
past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table
then, put your last penny too

sell possessions for passions sake
success comes from sacrifice

Its your turn to die

 

[HomerPindar]

Thanks Homer, Ot, I can see it would help to understand the poem...... The edit is posted above.

Perhaps I need to re-do the punctuation on the first line!

First the poem is about the title

but of course, that's the idea behind the title...in most cases that there is a good title anyways. A problem (still?) resides in that the connection seems lost on the readers so far...myself included.

understand to try, really
(understand what it means to try)(really)

ok...but it doesn't say that.

past mere physical effort

put your last dime on the table (refer to line one and two)
then, put your last penny too

now I'm in a real quandry, are you suggesting that "understanding what it means to try" is equatable to money? being a non-materialist, I have to object here

sell possessions for passions sake (Refer to line one and two)
success comes from sacrifice

Its your turn to die (refer back to title)

ok...it there's so many references to other parts that the reader needs a road map, then you need to clarify your directions

Still not sure about that last line though... but I do agree with OT, it's there to be worked with

HomerPindar

 

[WickedEve]

I've read it a few times, land, and I'm still a little confused. Can you make it clearer... just a little.

I haven't written in weeks with all that's going on in my life. But I did write this one a few days ago. You'll be the first to see it and critique it.

Mixer

You used to make dough by hand,
kneading it firmly with fingers and palms.
I could taste your touch -
the touch I hungered for
when bread didn't need butter.

But then you poured it all together
in cold metal,
walking away to let it mix.
Your touch was absent;
it wasn't the same -
needed some honey
to sweeten the taste.

Now the bread is gone
and the mixer left behind.
There's someone else
and your hands are in dough again.

 

[OT]

Eve,

I liked the mixer metaphor.

I was feeling in a minimalist mood, so I started
eliminating words. I probably hacked out too many, but sometimes it's fun to throw out words and only let them back in if they beg.

An over zealously hacked version, might looks like this:


Mixer

You used to make dough,
kneading it firmly with fingers and palms.
I could taste your touch;
the bread did not need butter.

But then you poured it all together
in cold metal,
walking away to let it mix.

It wasn't the same.
Without your touch
it needed honey
to sweeten the taste.

Now the bread is gone
and the mixer left behind.
There's someone else
and your hands are in dough again.

 

[KatPurrs]

hey Neal

good thread, Neal. A step back in time, I feel.

Neal, I'm still going over your poem. Are you saying that to live, to find what is worthwhile, one must let go the material things in life? Sacrifice the crap to get down to what is important? hmm?

Eve, I, too, like OT, like the mixer metaphor. I am not sure of a couple of things.....like how the bread will mix, if left alone......and if a touch is absent, how could it be the same....I'm not sure....I think OT's pared down version tightened it up....for me anyway.

Hope things in your life are getting back on an even keel. Wish mine was....but that's another story.....

anywhooooooo.....here's one I've posted at 2 other sites. This is the latest version. I think it's getting there. Would love to hear what you folks think.

Kat

INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH

Housewives paced on warm, wooden floors
while listening to Bing Crosby
croon their babes to sleep, yet,
chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete in designated spots,
along production lines like I-beams
supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

Camouflaged in mens' coveralls, while
whine and bellow of wartime machines
pierced their ears in another way,
they stamped out bombs instead of biscuits;

pulled triggers on rivet guns,
and hot-flashed spot welders
as their wide-eyed boys
overseas spilled blood.

These “Soldiers of Production"
re-defined their enemies
from pesky dust
to murdering Axis Powers,
diluted their lives, with a war to win,
yet condensed, and became
women of industrial strength.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

If you would be so kind....

I posted two poems today, but didnt' know I was to say "Please Tell me what you think" or anything in the tag line. Shall I repost here, or will go there?

 

[_Land]

If you want to hear what others might suggest as far as changes go please repost it here.


Eve, Kat I will comment on poems here tonight........ and yes to a degree you have it Kat I will further explain tonight.....

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Land?--
Just a quick note. I think the whole board is for critique. The fact that most of the threads stray from it can be a pain, sometimes, but I think it's healthy. But whenever I wanted and needed real critique (and edits), I never had trouble getting them.

Polite--
Just make an aditional post asking for in depth feedback and you'll be fine.


I'll come back later to see what kind of feedback I can give you all...

 

[WickedEve]

Eve,

I liked the mixer metaphor.

I was feeling in a minimalist mood, so I started
eliminating words. I probably hacked out too many, but sometimes it's fun to throw out words and only let them back in if they beg.

An over zealously hacked version, might looks like this:


Mixer

You used to make dough,
kneading it firmly with fingers and palms.
I could taste your touch;
the bread did not need butter.

But then you poured it all together
in cold metal,
walking away to let it mix.

It wasn't the same.
Without your touch
it needed honey
to sweeten the taste.

Now the bread is gone
and the mixer left behind.
There's someone else
and your hands are in dough again.

Thanks OT. When I revise a poem, one of the first things I do is cut unnecessary words. Thanks for the edit.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: hey Neal

Eve, I, too, like OT, like the mixer metaphor. I am not sure of a couple of things.....like how the bread will mix, if left alone......and if a touch is absent, how could it be the same....I'm not sure....I think OT's pared down version tightened it up....for me anyway.

Hope things in your life are getting back on an even keel. Wish mine was....but that's another story.....

Hi Kat!
The mixer is one of those big huge suckers that does it's thing all by itself. It's so heavy that it smashed my thumb a few weeks ago. As far as the touch, I always thought the bread was better when kneaded by hand. That's why it isn't the same without the touch of someone's hand. Anyway, he needs to come and get his stupid mixer. It's taking up space.

 

[KatPurrs]

allrighty then!

Neal - Looking forward to what you have to offer.

Eve - *blush* Can you tell I do things the hard way?

And to my private messaging friend....you tried to save me but I dragged my feet in editing my post. *sigh*

Kat

 

[WickedEve]

That's an excellent poem, Kat. I can tell you've put a lot of work into it. After the first reading, I couldn't find anything I'd do differently.

 

[JUDO]

Re: hey Neal

INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH

Housewives paced on warm, wooden floors
while listening to Bing Crosby
croon their babes to sleep, yet,
chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete in designated spots,
along production lines like I-beams
supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

Camouflaged in mens' coveralls, while
whine and bellow of wartime machines
pierced their ears in another way,
they stamped out bombs instead of biscuits;

pulled triggers on rivet guns,
and hot-flashed spot welders
as their wide-eyed boys
overseas spilled blood.

These “Soldiers of Production"
re-defined their enemies
from pesky dust
to murdering Axis Powers,
diluted their lives, with a war to win,
yet condensed, and became
women of industrial strength.

Kat -

Like the poem and particularly the subject matter. Here are a couple of thoughts.

I would like to see your cut some of the words from the first stanza. I took some out and re-read, thinking they weren't really necessary to get your pictures and story across. Try this:

Housewives paced wooden floors
while listening to Buh-buh-Bing
croon their babies to sleep.
Yet, chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete production lines.
Like I-beams supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

A lot changed and deleted, including your one contrast of the warm and cold. But I thought I'd try a lot and see if you liked any of it better.

-----

I also thought your last line was wonderful and would be even more so, if the title didn't give it away.

Title Suggestions:

Redstone's Softer Soul
Redstone's Riveting Reversal
Babies to Bombs
Lullbies Too Livid

My thoughts.

- Judo

 

[_Land]

LH, I am aware that the whole board is for critique, but very little goes on.........I wanted a thread that we could get a little deeper Opinion on a piece. a place to post poems we are working on, unfinished.
Sometimes it is easier to keep them in one place that way those looking for a comment(seems there have been tons lately dont hav to start there own short lived thread...... this gives everyone a chance to get feedback and commentary and help on there poems............
I look forward to your crits, they are always insightful.


_Neal

Land?--
Just a quick note. I think the whole board is for critique. The fact that most of the threads stray from it can be a pain, sometimes, but I think it's healthy. But whenever I wanted and needed real critique (and edits), I never had trouble getting them.

Polite--
Just make an aditional post asking for in depth feedback and you'll be fine.


I'll come back later to see what kind of feedback I can give you all...

 

[_Land]

Mixer

You used to make dough by hand,
kneading [it] firmly with fingers and palms.
I could taste your touch -
[the] touch I hungered for
when bread didn't need butter.

But [then] you poured it all together
in cold metal,
walking away to let it mix.
Your touch [was] absent;
it wasn't the same -
needed some honey
to sweeten the taste.

Now the bread is gone
and the mixer left behind.
There's someone else

[and]your hands are in dough again.

Eve I made some suggestions to help bring the angst out a little stronger, give it more voice. Feel free to use or toss these

The metaphor is strong.......It made me want to sea something about yeast rising, but that is just my yearning


Great Read I am happy to see you writing........ Let some of that out, and things will get better soon, wishing you the best in this lonely holliday season (((((Eve)))))

_Land

 

[_Land]

Re: hey Neal

INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH

Housewives paced(,) [on] warm[,] wooden floors
while listening to Bing Crosby
croon their babes to sleep, yet,
chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete in designated spots,
along production lines(,) like I-beams
supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

Camouflaged in [mens'] coveralls, while
whine and bellow of wartime machines
pierced their ears [in] another way,
they stamped out bombs instead of biscuits;

pulled triggers on rivet guns,
[and] hot-flashed spot welders
as their wide-eyed boys
overseas spilled blood.

These “Soldiers of Production"
re-defined their enemies
from pesky dust
to murdering Axis Powers,
diluted their lives, with a war to win,
yet condensed, and became
women of industrial strength.

Mostly minor things to leave or take, I felt the words that I cut out were "extras" not needed for the cast. and it sounded better with out them.... but as always this is me

Thanks for the great read Kat

 

[KatPurrs]

Thanks, Eve - I think it's near time to put it to bed. I'm getting sick to death of it...ha!

Judo,

You have a way of cutting to the chase, woman. I see what you mean. I think I'll be cutting away a few words - maybe not as many as you did, but some. Like "on" in S1, L1.

Normally, I would agree with you about the title but darn it, I like it, so it's gonna have to stay.

I'm holding off on the edit just in case Lauren and Neal decide to comment. I'm a patient woman....

Kat

 

[_Land]

patient indeed!

LOL

Thanks, Eve - I think it's near time to put it to bed. I'm getting sick to death of it...ha!

Judo,

You have a way of cutting to the chase, woman. I see what you mean. I think I'll be cutting away a few words - maybe not as many as you did, but some. Like "on" in S1, L1.

Normally, I would agree with you about the title but darn it, I like it, so it's gonna have to stay.

I'm holding off on the edit just in case Lauren and Neal decide to comment. I'm a patient woman....

Kat

 

[KatPurrs]

Oh wow, Neal...you snuck in on me! Beat me to the punch! lol

Thanks for the edit. I am in agreement with what you did. I was just getting ready to tackle it before you got here...Glad to hear you like it.

Ok, here's the edit:

"what Neal said"....how's that?

Kat

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks, Eve - I think it's near time to put it to bed. I'm getting sick to death of it...ha!

Judo,

You have a way of cutting to the chase, woman. I see what you mean. I think I'll be cutting away a few words - maybe not as many as you did, but some. Like "on" in S1, L1.

Normally, I would agree with you about the title but darn it, I like it, so it's gonna have to stay.

I'm holding off on the edit just in case Lauren and Neal decide to comment. I'm a patient woman....

Kat

Kat, I'm glad you're not changing the title. I love it. I don't think you can do much more with this poem. It's very good and I admire how much effort you put into it. It's hard to keep revising a piece until it looks this good.