this poem might explain why I've been absent from the forum

[mischievousgrin]

Yes, I've been neglecting you. And still I have the nerve to ask you for comments and criticism.

Shameless!

______________________________________________________

An Annoying Struggle With Three Little Words

She's in my bathtub.
Nipples just below the surface, so
lips and nose get a shock of hot water
as I lean in to kiss.

The words are in my mouth.
I keep my lips shut so they don't escape.
Those little monsters wriggle on my tongue
and tap on my teeth.
Sorry, it's not time yet.

She sighs and confesses:
No one's ever kissed my eyes before.
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

Those words are back.
Let us out! Let us out!
I let them think they've won,
and then derail:
I love your neck.
I love your jaw.
I love what your upper teeth do when you smile.
The words are not happy.
They've been tricked.

I'm kissing her back.
I've got this idea for a poem.
I should be writing it down
but it doesn't seem so important.
She makes that sound she makes:
mm.
Not a gasp, not a moan, not mmm.
Three m's is too many.
mm.
The words want to answer.
They are demanding time for a response.

Listen, words!
Don't be so impatient.
When the time comes,
I will whisper you
to your heart's content.
I will write you on her skin.
I will set you free,
and you can show me
what you are made of.

 

[flyguy69]

Mm. Nice!

What does she think of it?

Some comments:
The title doesn't work for me-- the "annoying struggle" seems more like a bug bite or stuck zipper: it lacks the gravity of your situation. I know you are trying to keep it light, but I would pull words or themes out of the poem for the title.

I like the bathtub and the words' struggle, but the introduction of fomer lovers (or men in general) distracts me. If you are truely inviting other men to kiss her eyes it diminishes your own obsession. I think this theme could be reduce to a single line (or dropped).

The same thing is true of the "poem I should be writing down." What poem? The three words? I got distracted again.

I also felt torn between what it is you love-- your time is spent about equally between the words and the girl, yet neither is developed as a metaphor for the other.

Finally, why can't you say it? There are lots of reasons, of course (many of them cliche), but you don't provide us any. Since she is so damned lovable (and naked in your tub! Hell, I'm in love with her!) you need to tell us why this is such a struggle.

Good luck, MG, if and when you find time to write again. We'll understand if you vanish!

Yes, I've been neglecting you. And still I have the nerve to ask you for comments and criticism.

Shameless!

______________________________________________________

An Annoying Struggle With Three Little Words

She's in my bathtub.
Nipples just below the surface, so
lips and nose get a shock of hot water
as I lean in to kiss.

The words are in my mouth.
I keep my lips shut so they don't escape.
Those little monsters wriggle on my tongue
and tap on my teeth.
Sorry, it's not time yet.

She sighs and confesses:
No one's ever kissed my eyes before.
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

Those words are back.
Let us out! Let us out!
I let them think they've won,
and then derail:
I love your neck.
I love your jaw.
I love what your upper teeth do when you smile.
The words are not happy.
They've been tricked.

I'm kissing her back.
I've got this idea for a poem.
I should be writing it down
but it doesn't seem so important.
She makes that sound she makes:
mm.
Not a gasp, not a moan, not mmm.
Three m's is too many.
mm.
The words want to answer.
They are demanding time for a response.

Listen, words!
Don't be so impatient.
When the time comes,
I will whisper you
to your heart's content.
I will write you on her skin.
I will set you free,
and you can show me
what you are made of.

 

[WickedEve]

I hate to agree with fly, (now I'll wait for him to ask why) but I agree with him.

Change the title.

Get rid of:
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

Maybe you could try:
I'm kissing her back.
This should be a poem.
I should be writing it down
but it doesn't seem so important.


This poem kind of makes me melt. Sigh.

 

[flyguy69]

Why?

I hate to agree with fly, (now I'll wait for him to ask why) but I agree with him.

Change the title.

Get rid of:
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

Maybe you could try:
I'm kissing her back.
This should be a poem.
I should be writing it down
but it doesn't seem so important.


This poem kind of makes me melt. Sigh.

 

[voyeuresse]

new here want to make this one go away... sorry dont know how to delete yet

 

[voyeuresse]

Get rid of:
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

ahem... im new to this poetry critiquing thing but i disagree with fly and eve and think this passage should stay. it shows his fondness and protectiveness and mainly demonstrates how early in the relationship they are. it shows that he still sees her as a free agent. and the newness of the relationship explains why he cant speak those words yet. i also get, in other parts of the poem, that this is a unique and powerful emotion hes feeling with her... that he knows its real... and that he KNOWS that the time will come when he can write those words upon her body! and yes i melted too.

 

[Angeline]

I think your poem is absolutely beautiful. The best thing about it for me is that it feels real; it's very easy for me to feel as if I'm you as I read it--struggling with what I'm dying to say, but not being able to get the words out. And that is why I'd argue for getting rid of the strope where she responds. It doesn't fit the rest of the poem, which is about your inner dialogue. I think the poem overall is stronger without it.

And having said that, I agree with Eve. It's a melter.

 

[bogusbrig]

I think I'm going to be in a minority here but for me the poem needs condensing or opening up more. It seems to fall between two stools to me.

I think you've got some good ideas to work with but there are too many superfluous words, it's almost like clipped prose. Either make it a more prose poem or cut away the excess.

 

[voyeuresse]

I think your poem is absolutely beautiful. The best thing about it for me is that it feels real; it's very easy for me to feel as if I'm you as I read it--struggling with what I'm dying to say, but not being able to get the words out. And that is why I'd argue for getting rid of the strope where she responds. It doesn't fit the rest of the poem, which is about your inner dialogue. I think the poem overall is stronger without it.

grins whole thought process, struggle and timeline pivots around that phrase "no one has ever kissed my eyes." it is integral to pulling us into that moment by the tub. it makes her real... also in the moment... present.
all the rest is as you say grins inner dialogue.

 

[Angeline]

grins whole thought process, struggle and timeline pivots around that phrase "no one has ever kissed my eyes." it is integral to pulling us into that moment by the tub. it makes her real... also in the moment... present.
all the rest is as you say grins inner dialogue.

Well, my comments are always just my opinion--take it or leave it. Our friend has the benefit of various comments he can read through and use whatever he thinks helps. That's the good thing about multiple comments.

 

[voyeuresse]

Well, my comments are always just my opinion

as are most of mine...​

--take it or leave it.

do you mean take it or leave it but dont react to it? im new here... is it not okay to discuss opinions in here or are we just supposed to give opinions about the poem and not reply to anyone elses opinions?

 

[Angeline]

as are most of mine...​

do you mean take it or leave it but dont react to it? im new here... is it not okay to discuss opinions in here or are we just supposed to give opinions about the poem and not reply to anyone elses opinions?

Good morning.

I just saw this now because I departed Lit last night to watch the Bob Dylan documentary on PBS, well about two-thirds of it until we fell asleep.

Anyway, I meant no offense to you. This is an open forum and as long as you follow the guidelines you can offer whatever opinions you like. I simply meant that we, as readers, say what we think works or doesn't work in a poem, and then it is up to the poet to decide which of those opinions--or which parts of them--might improve the poem. So they can take or leave the advice. Some poems here generate quite a bit of discussion, and of course the forum now has a poetry discussion circle specifically for that purpose (though discussion can happen in any thread). My experience here has been that replies to each other's opinions are typically welcome and generate more discussion.

 

[darkmaas]

Morning Ange!

Just popped in to disagree. I think her one line is essential in that it fleshes out the object of his internal discourse. Without that "flesh" it's a pretty slow discourse.

However the rest of the "strophe" is unnecessary "mugging for the camera" by the poet. He should lose it.

Shall we lunch?

 

[Angeline]

Just popped in to disagree. I think her one line is essential in that it fleshes out the object of his internal discourse. Without that "flesh" it's a pretty slow discourse.

However the rest of the "strophe" is unnecessary "mugging for the camera" by the poet. He should lose it.

Shall we lunch?

Hello dearest. I worked a very long day--just home recently and part 2 of the Bobby documentary is on soon.

Manana? (I Yahoo'd ya)



PS--I'm right.

 

[mischievousgrin]

hello everyone and THANK YOU for ALL comments.

well much has been made of this part:

She sighs and confesses:
No one's ever kissed my eyes before.
And her in her thirties!
What is wrong with this world?
Who are these other men?
I'm not so special, really.
But, jesus.
You men out there.
What is your problem?
Kiss those eyes, for god's sake.

Flyguy asked -- what does SHE think of it?

Well, she is also a poet herself (and a university professor!) and her response to the poem was -- lose that part! hehe. So she agrees with the majority here.

Just for clarification: what I MEANT to get across (and obviously didn't) was that eyes *in general* need to be kissed more often...not that more guys should be kissing HER eyes.

Those are only for me now!!!!

Oh yes, I totally agree the title is lame. That will change.

*eye kisses to all the ladies *,

grin