This just SO reflects my mood right now...

[doormouse]

We need a joke thread (or I do anyway LOL)

If you're easily offended, go find another thread to read!!

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

 

[Guest]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=261758

 

[mismused]

We need a joke thread (or I do anyway LOL)

If you're easily offended, go find another thread to read!!

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

========================

DM,

I guess I needed a joke too since it brought a smile to my face. Thanks,

mismused

 

[matriarch]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer"

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here ................................................................................. on the swing!!"



Mat

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I hope not EVERYONE have heard this one before...

The 7 dwarves were visiting the Vatikan, and Dopey turned to the Pope and asked:

"Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope was a little surprised by the question, but shook his head and answered:

"No, my son, I don't think there are any dwarf nuns in Rome."

Dopey frowned, but asked:

"Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

"No, my son," said the Pope. "I'm afriad there aren't any dwarf nuns in Italy."

Dopey was beginning to look desperate, and he asked:

"Your holiness, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the entire world?"

The Pope thought about this, but finally said:

"I'm sorry, my son, but I don't think there are any dwarf nuns in the world."

...upon which the other 6 dwarves started dancing around, chanting:

"Dopey fucked a penguine! Dopey fucked a penguine!"

 

[cheerful_deviant]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

 

[matriarch]

I hope not EVERYONE have heard this one before...

The 7 dwarves were visiting the Vatikan, and Dopey turned to the Pope and asked:

"Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope was a little surprised by the question, but shook his head and answered:

"No, my son, I don't think there are any dwarf nuns in Rome."

Dopey frowned, but asked:

"Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

"No, my son," said the Pope. "I'm afriad there aren't any dwarf nuns in Italy."

Dopey was beginning to look desperate, and he asked:

"Your holiness, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the entire world?"

The Pope thought about this, but finally said:

"I'm sorry, my son, but I don't think there are any dwarf nuns in the world."

...upon which the other 6 dwarves started dancing around, chanting:

"Dopey fucked a penguine! Dopey fucked a penguine!"

*Laughing my head off*

I have heard and read it before, but the images it creates still crack me up.

Mat - Kid in disguise.

 

[Guest]

Svenksa, I had not heard your joke. Loved it like only a 'Catholic-gurl' can. P.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

ROFL


Priceless!

 

[Guest]

I was in a pub in North London (UK&N.Irland).

A clown came in and asked me if I buy him a pint (Big LOL).

I chatted with a bar maid who was a Uni-student (Great bod. Fuckable face). I ordered a pint, and asked how much. She told me 50 quid for a blowjob(giggle).

I spent all my day's pocket money on drinks, and at the end of the day, was drunk and stroking the pub owner's cat.

The clown came up to me and said, "That's the only pussy you'll be stroking tonight."

I was really pissed off at that.

So, I gave the cunt a might kick up the backside.

"MEOW!" it hissed.

I guess you had to be there.

 

[Guest]

cv, you twat, that's the second time today you made me larf without my consent.

Perdita

 

[Guest]

'Twas a goodun.

Lou

 

[matriarch]

Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking.

Sadie: "That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner....Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show.....Let me tell you Sadie, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!

Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No...No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[matriarch]

College Paper :

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss :

Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

The only one who received an A+ wrote the following:

Oh Lord, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?


Mat

 

[matriarch]

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,


The Dog

--------------------------------------------------

Getting bored yet ??????

Mat

 

[cheerful_deviant]

Another pet post...

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

TeeHee

 

[Guest]

Re: Another pet post...

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

TeeHee

Brilliant and spot on!

Lou - owner of a dog and three cats.

 

[Guest]

cv, you twat, that's the second time today you made me larf without my consent.

Perdita

Me and native American costume, wasn't us?

 

[Guest]

Me and native American costume, wasn't us?

Nyet. You posted somewhere about making a mistake opening a thread. What's the costume thing? P.

p.s. I am organizing a policy re. non-consensual humour.

 

[doormouse]

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,


The Dog

Okay, I laughed (I'm a mouse )

TFF

--------------------------------------------------

Getting bored yet ??????

Mat

 

[doormouse]

It's old, I know ;-)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me during the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum." was the reply. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

don't make me tell the moleasses joke again

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: It's old, I know ;-)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me during the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum." was the reply. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

*bows to the ground*

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant!

 

[Guest]

Nyet. You posted somewhere about making a mistake opening a thread. What's the costume thing? P.

p.s. I am organizing a policy re. non-consensual humour.

Oh, OK.

It was about me and Mimi with whom I'm just hanging with while we are holidaying in Greece (Greek all the way, baby!).

Mimi is a durty gurl (i.e. young, pretty, hungry - sexually speaking, so to speak, in a matter of fact, indeed: pretty much what I'm trying to convince myself quite conventionally, but not in a stereotypical writer-sort-of-the way, if you get my meaning, I hope you will; in good humour).

 

[Guest]

Thanks, CV*. That was sweet. P.

*I've elevated you to uppercase.