This is Non fiction ... So I appreciate feed back.

SheDevilShay

Really Experienced
Joined
Jul 30, 2007
Posts
269
The reason I am asking for feed back to see is if my sex life is interesting enough to make it worth writing about, or if I should just stick to my "non fiction" stories......




This is my story. It's a sex story, but it's a real one. Yesterday I bought two mammoth books on female and woman sexual fantasies. I bought them for me... and for my husband. I had also bought my husband a longer flogger then one's we normally use. It was red with a wooden handle and longer than our others with leather strips. I gave him his presents when I got home. I loved the expression on his face when he saw the new toy. It excited me, and I had a hard time sitting still during dinner.

I fixed dinner: prime rib, chicken, and garlic mashed potatoes with some veggie combo mix. I picked most of this up pre-cooked at the grocery store and just heated it up when I got home. It had been a long week, and I didn't feel like slaving in the kitchen for hours to fix a good meal. My husband enjoyed it, my son even tried it! And we ate in peace. I then checked my www.cafemom.com and my email.

After about 45 minutes of responding to emails, and www.myspace.com posts, I decided to take a bath.

(I had to wait for our son's bed time… waiting and distracting myself was pure agony, but in a good way)

My feet hurt; I'd been wearing heels all day and did shopping while chasing a 3 year old around the mall. (He was playing run from mommy yesterday and my feet were killing me at the end of the day.) My husband settles me into the tub, and after lots of hugs and kisses to mommy, he puts the baby to bed and reads him his good night story. (As he had no nap yesterday, he went to bed super fast.)

My husband then heated me up cup of tea, and brought me a glass of wine… I couldn't decide which I wanted more so I had told him to surprise me… well he did! While I was reading my romance novel in the tub I told him to start reading the erotica book I bought. He did, and I had read about 4-5 stories in it. They were fairly short, about 2-6 pages per story. I told him which couple I liked that I had had time to read on the ferry home. (It's only a 10-15 minute ride so there's not a whole lot of time to read.)

I liked the anal sex story that was in there with the professors and the gang bang, and I liked the one with the exhibitionist in the woods… that one was probably my favorite so far.

I got about half way through my book, and was working on my second glass of wine… I got really turned on thinking about my husband reading those fantasies. The idea excited me and I started touching myself in the bathtub, thinking about anal sex with him… that made me so wet. So I slipped out of the tub, dried off and put on my tight new yoga pants I had bought and tight shirt that showed my nipples through it if I didn't wear a bra. My husband was hard as a rock when I walked out of the bathroom.

I almost came right there just looking at him and thinking about the naughty things I was going to beg him to do to me. I came and lay down on the bed and offered to read to him some of the stories out loud. He agreed and started to rub my body down with lotion and oil. (Man, I sure did need it! I was so sore and my feet were trashed!) I managed to read about three stories out of the book before I got so distracted from what he was doing that I couldn’t focus. He had worked my pants down over my hips and was massaging my ass. (I love my ass grabbed, massaged, stroked and played with. I have a big butt for a girl my size, and my husband's an ass man… so it works out well!) I then blurted out that I wanted to have sex with him and wanted to feel it in my ass… He then got the box of toys down from our shelf. He pulled out the pink vibrating butt plug and lubed it up. He handed it to me.

"Do it yourself while I watch". It took me a few minutes to relax me enough to work it inside. He started to finger me with one hand and massage my breasts with the other. I was splayed out, naked, for his pleasure for him to view me. My knees were bent; I had the toy in my ass, while he was fingering me.

He dipped his head down to taste me. I almost came against his mouth. I begged him to stop, I begged him not to stop, and I told him I wanted him to fuck me. He denied me what I wanted. He told me he wanted to fuck me in the ass. He told me he wanted to feel my tight hole gripping his big cock. (I almost started to cry with wanting to cum so bad at this point; I was slowly losing my mind.) He then lubed himself up and took the toy out. I cried out in loss of my nice fun toy that was giving me so much pleasure. He turned it off and set it on the bed. He started to rub his dick against my tight hole while toying with my clit with his fingers. He stuck his fingers inside my pussy and started rubbing around until he found the soft little flesh that swells and sticks out when a woman's excited. He started rubbing on it, my back arched, my muscles clenched, and he yanked his fingers out right before I could cum.

"I didn't give you permission yet" he told me. UGH! I wanted to cum so bad, that dirty bastard. He started rubbing his dick all over my ass and told me he wanted to watch me stick it in. (well, we tried and tried but it wouldn't fit. My husband's about as thick around as my wrist and between 8 - 9 inches long depending on how turned on he is.) He made me wash his dick off in the sink with soap. I made sure to scrub it really good, because he wanted me to lick it dry after I had rinsed it off. He then ordered me back on the bed, told me to spread my legs so he could look at me; he wasn't even close to being done with me yet. I was shaking and my hips where doing their own thing, slowly grinding and rolling up at him. It was embarrassing, and so very hot for him to watch me lose control.

He fingered me again, he sucked on my nipples, and he spanked my thighs lightly. He toyed with my clit, he teased me, he kept bringing me back to the brink of insanity, and I finally started to scream at him, begging him, "Please, please let me come... Oh god Mike, please, let me cum." My head was thrashing side to side, I was sweating, my hips where thrusting of their own accord, all I could think about was wanting to cum, wanting him inside me. I was so close; I was going to see stars. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my whole body was like a live wire, I felt like it was on fire, but I was shivering like I was cold. Gasping for air, I started grabbing my breasts, cupping them offering them to him.

I was begging him, frantically, almost screaming it at him to satisfy me, to let me cum. He grabbed the whip and started spanking my breasts and tummy, he hit my thighs, he grabbed one of my little pocket rocket vibrators out of the box that was laying on the bed and ordered me to use it on myself, but not to let myself cum until he told me it was ok… How was I going to stand this torture? He would punish me if I came before he was ready for me to. Oh, but I thought about doing it, I like the sting of the whip on my skin, just enough to leave a little red mark, not enough to hurt me or leave a welt. He knew exactly how hard to spank me with the whip on my skin, just enough to torture me, to make me gasp to enhance my pleasure and make me lose control. I grabbed his dick and begged him to fuck me, told him I'd do anything. I almost started to cry as I was begging him to shove his big hard cock into my now soaked pussy. He drove into me. I screamed the vibrator still against my clit.

I came so hard I almost passed out, dropped my vibrator. He sent me over the edge again as he surged into me, he was slapping my breasts with the whip, but I didn't care, I just wanted him to keep driving himself into me. I screamed again as another orgasm tore through me… I think this time I did pass out from pleasure, or very damn close to it. I was almost hyperventilating and stuffing a pillow into my mouth so I wouldn't awake the neighbors or our child. I had orgasm after orgasm what felt like when on forever. Then he stopped and held me… told me he loved me, and then I was asleep. And as I sit here writing this, I await tonight's adventure, maybe he will spank me for sharing this experience… Oh well one can hope!



Tonight's adventure begins with my camera, and also on the note telling me that I was naughty for writing and sharing our previous nights experience with other people. My husband wants to take some pictures of me and punish me for being so naughty. I begin posing for him in my green clothes: my cargo pants, a green t-shirt, a little over jacket. I then remove my green jacket and eventually my pants. I have a thong on, and boy, does my husband start to get excited when he sees it riding on my hips and in my ass. I shake my ass at him, touch myself, and fondle my breasts through my shirt. I pose naughtily for him. I get on my hands and knees and spread my cheeks so all he can see is the thong up against my skin covering my pussy and my asshole. I fondle my breasts through my black push up bra, lean over and mash my cleavage together to give him a nice eye full.

While he's busy snapping away with the camera, I start seducing him slowly. I touch my fingers to my clit through my thong, throw my head back and moan a little while rubbing myself. He gets distracted and stops taking the pictures, so I change what I'm doing and hop up on the bed. I yank my shirt off over my head so now I have on just a bra and thong. I lay there in different poses while he takes some pictures of me on my back in my bra and panties. I can see his hard dick through his pajama bottoms. I can tell he's excited by looking at me. It makes my tummy feel all warm and tingly. I clench my thighs together and think about his dick, what it might feel like inside me, rubbing against me… I'm starting to get distracted! He then orders me off the bed, and tells me to change into something sexy.

I rummage through my drawer until I find my blue silk lingerie. It’s little, its silky, and its bright blue with white lace and virginal white bows at the top. It’s a couple sizes too big for me, but I got it that way on purpose. It's not too tight, it doesn't cling, but it accentuates my curves without being a hussy gown.

I continue modeling for my husband. I decide to tease him more and yank my hair out of the pony tail I had it in, letting my curls cascade around my shoulders. I grab my hair and tug on it, pulling my hair while he watches and touching my pussy and clit with the other hand. (I am no longer wearing a thong, so I am now naked under this silky blue gown.) I lift it up, just enough to let him see I have no panties on, and begin fingering myself while he watches. He strokes himself through his pants while he takes a few more pictures of me. I get on all fours and start fingering myself from behind, panting like a bitch in heat, my head against the carpet, my eyes shut, I picture what he can see, the nice pink lips spread for him to view, my wet glistening pussy waiting for him to just jam his big cock inside to please me.

He orders me to stop touching myself and get off my hands and onto my knees. I obey him; I don't want to displease him, for he might spank me if I don't cooperate quickly. I sit there watching him as he takes off his pants, grabs a glass of wine of the shelf, and sits back down on the edge of the bed.

He offers me wine. I told him I don't want any, but I generously thank him for the offer and kiss his feet for thinking of me. I watch him sip his wine, and I kiss his knee and thigh. He allows this for a few moments and then yanks me up by my hair and thrusts his crotch into my face.

"Taste me, honey," he says. I gulp and start licking the end of his dick. I can smell him; he's excited. He has a drop of pre-cum on the end of his dick. I lick it off and taste him on the end of my tongue.

"Take me into your mouth, Shay." He wants me to put my lips around his cock and suck him in. I do it, and I look up the whole time watching his face twist and turn in pleasure. I hear his breathing catch as I lick the bottom and slurp and suck and tug on the end of his cock head. He likes it. I tease him and lick up and down his length, reaching down and touching myself. He doesn't mind and hands me a vibrator. He takes pictures of me sucking his dick, pictures of him holding my hair and thrusting himself into my mouth. It’s driving me crazy knowing he's capturing me doing this naughty thing to him.

I bring myself to near orgasm and he asks me to stop. He tells me to get up on the bed on all fours. He shoves a pillow underneath my stomach so my butt's in the air. He spreads my legs apart, stands behind me, and looks at me. I twist around slightly and see him stroking himself. He tells me to finger myself while he watches. I reach behind and start to touch my ass and thighs with my hand. (My vibrator is on my clit while I am doing this.) I slowly work my finger inside and give a slight yelp as I feel a cold liquid being poured all over my ass. I feel it dripping down my ass on my hand onto my thighs and against my pussy lips. "What is that?!" I ask him. "Your body oil" he responds. I nod and continue fingering myself.

He spanks me every now and then, and rubs and grabs my ass as he watches from about 3 inches away.

It's so embarrassing, but oh so very thrilling. I am spread wide, exposed just for him to view my most private and precious parts. He touches me, pokes at me, and admires me. I grind on my hand whimper in delight at the sensations the gentle slaps and squeezes cause me when mixed with my thrusting finger.

I get close to an orgasm and ask him if I can cum yet. He says I can, but he'd rather I wait until he's fucking me. I nod; I don't want to disappoint him so I hold off on my orgasm for the moment.

I beg him to fuck me. "Please mike, take me from behind, I need to feel you inside me…" I groan, and finger myself faster, I can hear my pussy making wet noises; I'm dripping my juices down my thigh.

He slips up behind me and leans over and nibbles on my ass and thigh. "Not yet, I like watching you touch yourself, it drives me crazy…” Oh how much that turns me on, and OH how it frustrates me at the same time. I am torn between wanting to please him and demanding that he shove his cock into my greedy pussy! I bring myself to near orgasm again and I gasp out and yank my fingers out of my cunt and wipe them on his cock so he can see how excited I am for him. I hear him utter a grown; a sigh so very soft that if I wasn't paying attention, I might not have heard him make it. He rams me from behind; I quiver and sigh with relief... FINALLY!

I groan with need; he reaches down and grabs my tit with his left hand as he leans over me. He's not letting me go. He's ramming me from behind… I can feel his cock slipping in and out against my tender flesh, my body contracting, my legs shaking so bad that I'm about to collapse onto the bed. I finally beg him to let me turn over so I can see his face as he fucks me. "Sure" he says, like it's no big deal to just yank out of me and stop the wonderful torture that is the sexual pleasure he gives me. I flip myself over, yank the pillow, and shove it under my head and neck so I can watch his beautiful blue eyes while he is inside me. He goes slow now, testing me; I start to float away in my own little world.

All I can feel is the slow deep thrusting of him inside me, my muscles clenching and me tightening around him. He stops so he doesn't cum yet. I groan in frustration, so very close to my orgasm. I grind my hips up against him and he starts thrusting into a rhythm of my moving hips.

I can no longer see his face, can't keep my eyes open, can barely breathe, let alone move. Luckily my hips are doing their own thing and I'm just along for the ride. I feel them grinding and thrusting up against his thighs and pelvis as he's stroking me inside with his hard penis. I lose it, scream, orgasm, quiver, and arch off the bed in a mad blackness. The next thing I know he's telling me to scream for him. I have my nails digging into his sides, I'm thrashing and arching and quivering, and I don't know where one orgasm started and one ended.

It's a roller coaster ride of wave after wave of pleasure. Never completely receding, never really peaking like the first one that made me black out. It is just one big giant enormous orgasm that won't stop. He wraps his arm around me, and holds me still and close. I feel his body rubbing against mine as I get wetter and wetter. I feel myself clenching and tightening around him, and I stop being able to breath, I'm seeing stars, and I don't know when I'm going to be back on earth again. When he finally stops thrusting, I realize he's rubbing my shoulders and holding me… I was pretty out of it... that orgasm was better than any drug, and I had nearly lost my mind. He has scratches all up and down his sides and on his arms. I have a hickey on my shoulder where he was nibbling on me while holding me down (probably so I'd stop scratching and thrashing against him.)

I feel him kissing my cheek and neck and I just lay there smiling at him like an idiot.

"I love you," he says. I mutter I love him back; I'm still not really capable of speech at this point. He wiggles against me and my hips thrust up. "NO MORE!!" I beg him, exhausted. He wore me out, and I can't even move a finger. He smiles and rolls over and goes to sleep, and I'm left smiling like the Cheshire cat. I fall into sleep thinking of how wonderful our marriage is and knowing that I will have many more erotic nights and days in the future that lies ahead.
 
Bravo!

This is maybe the best writing I've read on this forum so far. There may be one woman who's better, but youre a close second.

My writer girlfriend will say it has "bones." Tighten it up with some editing and trimming. Then crank something else out.

Where do I sign up to be a fan?
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
Bravo!

This is maybe the best writing I've read on this forum so far. There may be one woman who's better, but youre a close second.

My writer girlfriend will say it has "bones." Tighten it up with some editing and trimming. Then crank something else out.

Where do I sign up to be a fan?


I have read some of the critique's you've given to other people on here so this is a major compliment. You tend to be fairly harsh (honest, but harsh.)

Technical grammar is my big fault. So I will deff have to get an editor to help me out to make it readable. I am pretty good at the story/creativity/talking part... but the grammar? I make the nazi's cringe.... This one was kindly edited for me by a friend. --- I switch between 3rd person and first person and past and present tense alot while hammering out my story... luckily those are pretty easy to fix for the most part... this story and another non fiction have been submited and are awaiting approval.. I am working on a few more short stories.. some still need drastic editing.

I appreciate what you have to say, you are extremely intelligent and right on the point from what I saw when I was reviewing other stories/posts earlier.

(I am still tender/protective when it comes to my work I am afraid.. consider it a fault.. I've had some gaming articles published and the editors hacked up my work and made me look completely illiterate... I quit and told them I could do that on my own with out their goddamn help to come off that way!!!)
 
Shay, there are a few mistakes. This sentence caught my eye right off.

I had also bought my husband a longer flogger then one's we normally use.
You've left out "the" between then and one's. One's is possesive. It should be "ones". "Then" should bt "Than". But these kind of errors should come out in polish.

You do tend to be overly verbose. Start chopping and cut out everything that doesn't absolutely move the story along. For instance, we don't care that you "liked the anal sex story and..." What does it do for the plot?

When you get done chopping, read what's left and ask yourself, "Is this really a story or a scene? Have the characters grown or changed in some way through the story? Can the reader empathize, love or hate each of the main characters?" Answer these questions and you will know what's wrong with this piece.

Personally, I am always leary of "true" stories. Was this on believable? I suppose so. Would this have been better written from a third person POV? Maybe. Your "I" does become redundant after a few paragraphs. Do you need to brush up on grammar, especially proper punctuation of dialogue? Yeah.

Potentially, this has the possibility of a good story. But, frankly, I would suggest you need to do some major work on it getting rid of the fat and expanding it to more than you show here. What you do here is focus on the story. You should switch to focus on the characters - what they are thinking, reacting, really wanting out of this and raise this above a simple wank scene.

If you want more, pm me.

JJ :kiss:
 
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SHAY

Humility is good for your soul. God humiliates me every day of my life. Humiliation goes hand-in-glove with gifts from God. The more humble I am, the more gifts I get.

I havent been harsh with anyone here thus far. But I have saved 2 lives by being harsh. One of them was a drunk with a gun. The other was a depressed woman with 4 kids, number 5 on the way, no husband, no boyfriend, no job, a piece o shit car, no life. Both wanted to die. And when I got done with them they didnt want to kill themselves, they wanted to kill me. I made the woman so mad she enrolled in college and became an engineer. They make a ton of money. She's the chief civil engineer in a neighboring county. Man! She was hot at me. But she sat there and took it.

I have a gift for getting inside people's souls. But mostly its just honesty. People hate honesty.

Grammar. Grammar didnt exist until about 300 years ago. Dont take it too seriously. Most of the grammatical conventions were invented by people who had no logical reason for the convention, except personal preference.

I think your writing is terrific. No shit. But dont stop improving it. I think you have a gift.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
Grammar. Grammar didnt exist until about 300 years ago. Dont take it too seriously. Most of the grammatical conventions were invented by people who had no logical reason for the convention, except personal preference.

I disagree, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer you need to pay close attention to grammar. There are times and places where a writer can bend, or break rules for effect. For the most part those times and places are few and far between.
 
DARKSIDEOFTHE MOON

I'll pass your wisdom along to e.e.cummings

He'll likely mail you a grammar text with the suggestion you season his writing to suit your taste. He has an attitude.
 
I pretty much agree with Jenny's comments. About half way through your story my mind began to wander. What is the point of your story? Sorry, I just didn't find it very interesting.

One of our pet peeves here is the incorrect usage of the ellipsis (...). It's only to be used to indicate an incomplete thought, or dialog. Otherwise, use an em-dash to show a pause.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
DARKSIDEOFTHE MOON

I'll pass your wisdom along to e.e.cummings

He'll likely mail you a grammar text with the suggestion you season his writing to suit your taste. He has an attitude.


Good luck. He's only been dead for about 45 years.
 
drksideofthemoon said:
I disagree, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer you need to pay close attention to grammar. There are times and places where a writer can bend, or break rules for effect. For the most part those times and places are few and far between.

I have to agree with this. Bad grammar makes a story hard to read. It distracts the reader. I personally don't care what e.e. cummings has to say about it. People come here asking for comments from fellow Lit authors, and that is what they get.
 
drksideofthemoon said:
I disagree, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer you need to pay close attention to grammar. There are times and places where a writer can bend, or break rules for effect. For the most part those times and places are few and far between.
Yep. Yep.

The rules of grammar were set up to make everything easier. They make is easier for the reader to read and easier for the writer to create a flow of words that are clear and understandable.

As Cloudy has said many times in this Forum, "Grammar is your friend."

We do bend the rules sometimes. But we do it knowingly and sparingly.
 
TK

Sometimes its helpful to point out to newbies that the goddamned world goes beyond our fences. Fences have utility but they dont define the real limits.

I mean, isnt that what we do? Take the act of copulation and goose it?

I discovered a new writing trick this morning. It might even be original (I really doubt it,nothing is new-new). HOLY CRAP! A heretic is loose amongst us.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
TK

Sometimes its helpful to point out to newbies that the goddamned world goes beyond our fences. Fences have utility but they dont define the real limits.

I mean, isnt that what we do? Take the act of copulation and goose it?

I discovered a new writing trick this morning. It might even be original (I really doubt it,nothing is new-new). HOLY CRAP! A heretic is loose amongst us.

I think you have to learn the rules before you can break them properly. Effectively. Whatever.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
TK

In your case I'm certain youre correct.

Perhaps this was written in haste, and not intended to appear to be a personal attack on a fellow participant in the Story Feedback Forum.
 
TK

HAHAHAHAHHA

You cant have it both ways. It's no put down to confirm what you self-report. Strong fences work best for you.

And the newbies need to hear dissent and alternative schemes.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
TK

HAHAHAHAHHA

You cant have it both ways. It's no put down to confirm what you self-report. Strong fences work best for you.

And the newbies need to hear dissent and alternative schemes.

I don't want it both ways. I stand by what I said. But how do you know what works best for me?
 
Consistently overestimating the ability of people to rationally discuss something without resorting to personal attack is yet another one of my many failings, alas.
 
MarshAlien said:
Consistently overestimating the ability of people to rationally discuss something without resorting to personal attack is yet another one of my many failings, alas.

:kiss:
 
James,

E.E. Cummings was a Poet and Playwrite. He was never known for writing fiction. There is a reason why Poetry and Fiction are separated on Lit - There is a huge difference between the two genre and how they are written.

Playwriting is even different again.

When the rules of grammar are broken in Fiction, almost all the time, it's done in Dialogue, not prose. We understand the rules of grammar. We live by those rules.

Read a few hundred stories posted for critique in this Forum and you will understand why. Our mission here is not to encourage crappy writing, but to get the newbies into the top lists. You do that by encouraging them to write well, not independantly of long held rules of grammar.
 
SheDevilShay said:
The reason I am asking for feed back to see is if my sex life is interesting enough to make it worth writing about, or if I should just stick to my "non fiction" stories...

Hi Shay,

Your main question seems to be about the content of your story--whether the sex that occurs is interesting enough to make for a good story, so I'll endeavor to respond to that, first.

Personally, I don't find that 'easy' sex--a comfortable encounter between an established couple, with no serious conflict or obstacles--makes for a terribly compelling story. It's kind of like a story about going to a restaurant and eating a delicious meal. However tasty and aromatic the food is, however delightfully described, you might arouse my senses, but I'm not riveted, waiting to learn what might happen next (will she get the soup, or the salad? will it be the cheesecake or the tart for dessert?), which is a big part of what makes stories, films, etc., fun to consume.

I need stories to have tension--either between the characters who are going to be frolicking by the end of the story, or via external forces that are keeping them apart while they are panting for each other. That way, when the sex does get going, my own anticipation and desire has had a chance to build up, and I want it as bad as they do.

Plus, while the characters are struggling with whatever it is they're struggling with, I get a chance to get to know them, to like or hate or pity them, so that when the sex gets going, I care about them as something more than two animated mannequins writhing around on a bed together.

Your story has the potential for at least some tension--the narrator is horny and eager for her hubby, and has to wait through dinner, and the son to go to bed before she can have her desire fulfilled. But you don't exploit that potential. If you slow down, let me feel what an incidental touch of her husband's hand against her arm does to her, build up the suspense, make me wonder if they're even going to get a chance to get romantic, there'll be some tension, some anticipation on the reader's part, and the sex will be much more exciting when it gets going.

Lots of talk about shopping, logging on to various websites and the like eats up a lot of story space that you should be using to draw us into the story and get us interested in the characters.

Hopefully that's helpful.

-Varian
 
Jenny

Wrong.

You get them to understand that conventions have utility. Grammar serves a purpose. The purpose being the examples you cite.

But it isnt helpful to make Scripture quoting blockheads out of them.

They also need to get the idea that rules change and that there is more shit in the universe than the rules cover. Plus! Martinettes love to flog people with rules. Not to forget that a heretic genius will shove the rules up their asses and out perform them.

They need to think about what theyre doing. You know that. And you, of all people, know they dont.
 
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