This is my first try at this.

soarzero

Virgin
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Apr 20, 2011
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I had been talking to Josie for a long time. We decided soon after we met that i would be allowed over at times but she wanted to find one more sub. She put an ad online for a gardener and when Juan called he sounded really sexy to her and she was very happy. She asked him when he could come over to give her an estimate and he said tomorrow would be fine. Josie decided to be a little bad and asked him to send her a picture so she would know who to expect. Once her ex-boyfriend had hired someone to knock on her door and get some pictures of her feet so she said she had to be very careful.

The next day came and Juan called Jo-sie up and told her he was having car trouble, they realized they did not live far from each of other so of course Jo-sie was eager to go over and give him a ride. he told her she could see his garden first but he did not tell her that really a lady friend of his had been doing most of the gardening. Jo-sie decided to be a tease so she did her pedicure light brown, wore some rainbow colored espadrils and took the silver nail polish off of her hands. She smiled at herself in the mirror as her breasts looked especially perky. She rode over in her mini cooper and when Juan opened the door Jo-sie’s first impression of him was that something about him made her quiver. Juan led Jo-sie out to the back yard. She shook his hand and told him that the front and back yard looked great. she was thinking that she was glad she had not worn any toe rings or anklets becuase she did not want him to know she had other subs and she was really wanting to slide off her espadrils to get his attention.

“You know what”, he said, i will have my car back tomorrow and I will come over for the estimate. Jo sie said, ‘you know it is really no problem, my only other errand is to get to the nail shop, i just don’t like the color I picked for my pedicure yesterday’.

Well Juan smiled at her and he said, i would love to see it, i might like it. So she slid her shoe off and just as expected noticed his bulge begin to grow.

Juan got right to the point and told Jo-sie, ‘you have such beautiful feet and such a great body I do not think i can resist you’. Jo-sie was so excited by this and she decided to smooth him over, “Oh we can spend some time in your bed room if you would like.”

Well Josie thought she would be headed home soon, so she phoned me and told me to head over to her house and she should be there soon. Of course I did so and found myself waiting and waiting much longer than expected. I knew I was forbidden from calling her so I just spent some time looking at the videos I had made of her in different color pedi cures. I was not allowed to see nude pictures of her but I knew that some of her other boyfriends did. She let me read some of the mail from some of her potential subs. I soon fell asleep realizing she probably would not be back until the next day. I guess things were going very well. Jo-sie, had a neighbor, Sharon, and she called in the middle of the night. She asked me if i was doing OK and I told her I had some vodka and was really relaxed. Sharon told me I could come over if I needed some consoling. She said she had heard the whole story.

When i got over to Sharon she had a night gown on and some slippers and she looked ravishing. Of course Sharon knew I wanted the purple pedicure but she decided to tease me, at the request of Jo-sie, and she did them burnished orange. Sharon got in bed and slid her slippers off and as if by command I was right there kissing her all over and soon holding her. Sharon liked being with me but mostly what she had her mind on was that Jo-sie would soon allow Sharon to spend some time with Juan also.
 
Ok

Maybe it needs to be posted, somewhere else, I did think of it as just an idea, and not a full blown story however.
 
Is there some aspect related to BDSM you'd like to discuss that's portrayed in your story? Or is it just a general story idea you'd like to get feedback on and discuss? If it's just a story idea, maybe the Authors' Hangout or Story Ideas would be a better place for this. :rose:
 
anyway you are going to have a hard time getting it approved. The guys here wont approve it even if it has the slightest problem.(that is really disapointing)

Yeah, the authors section is where you should post this piece. You will get a lot of feedbacks.
 
Ok

Well how it fits in bdsm? I think the fem me fa tale is kind of a domme.

But go ahead, if any one wants to give feed back, tear it apart for me, I can handle it, there really isn't any better way for me to learn about this lifestyle I would imagine.

And if I can't get feedback on it here, then Author's lounge, surely will not want to have anything to do with it. I am educated, but I just have not done any formal writing in a long time.
 
Well how it fits in bdsm? I think the fem me fa tale is kind of a domme.

But go ahead, if any one wants to give feed back, tear it apart for me, I can handle it, there really isn't any better way for me to learn about this lifestyle I would imagine.

If you want to learn about BDSM (even if it's just to write better stories), ask questions. Read books (not erotica) on the subject if necessary. Read threads from the BDSM Library. Actually research your subject prior to developing a story line.

My advice would be to not write about BDSM until you have some sort of awareness re: the subject matter and/or audience. For example, I didn't think your "femme fetale" was dominant at all. Actually, I didn't think any of the characters were dominant or submissive. There was a confusing pedicure/foot fetish thing wandering through the writing, and some sort of non-monogamous somethingorother going on, but to me? BDSM? Mmmm... no.

And if I can't get feedback on it here, then Author's lounge, surely will not want to have anything to do with it. I am educated, but I just have not done any formal writing in a long time.


The BDSM Talk forum is for discussions related to BDSM - not critiquing erotica. If you want your erotica critiqued, you need to post this in the AH. If the entire point of the post is a creative writing exercise, why wouldn't the AH want anything to do with it?
 
AH don't want it, trust me!

I'm sure this will end up in story feedback at some point.

First thing: Figure out when this story happens-- or happened. Now? Then?

Decide who it happens to; Are you Juan? Or is Juan someone else? Learn the difference in points of view: "I" is first person, you are telling the story. "Juan" is third person: you are telling the story about Juan.
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/crafttechnique/a/pointofview.htm

How do you know what Josie thinks and feels? Is this story also from her point of view? If so, you have to be very careful not to confuse your readers.

You've put a lot of things into your story that have no meaning or context; manicures and pedicures, some woman named Sharon, nude pictures that you never see... Josie doesn't come home...

These are probably what's important to you but as a reader, I can take them or leave them. You probably want to try very hard to communicate to your readers what is hot about all of this stuff.
 
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