This is my first time and I don’t know if it is any good

[shrimp_dick_man]

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

 

[Carnevil9]

Shorter paragraphs would help a lot, as would a good proof-reading for spelling and grammar errors.....Carney

 

[shrimp_dick_man]

Thanks

Yes you are right. It is only a draft and I was a little hot in many ways to post it. Thanks for the reply. Shrimp

 

[ObsideanWarrior]

I said no...but don't take it too hard (no pun intended). The story is not beyond redemption--far from it, I think it has good potential.

The overall scenario is good. The problem, as someone upstream already pointed out, is the grammar (particularly long sentences and interminable paragraphs). Some writers like to just let the words gush on a first draft, and devil may care about formatting. That's fine, so long as you realize what your inner muse spills onto the paper or computer screen requires substantial editing.

Take what you've written and go over it, sentence by sentence. Breaking up the run-ons and putting in paragraphs would do wonders to improve the readibility.

Good luck, and if you want any advice, feel free to PM me.

 

[Black Tulip]

I voted no, meaning not as it is now.
Given the current format I was too put off to read it.
Much too long paragraphs, which makes reading on a pc screen very hard.

I'm willing to read it if you do something about that.

 

[Fantasies_only]

I voted no, meaning not as it is now.
Given the current format I was too put off to read it.
Much too long paragraphs, which makes reading on a pc screen very hard.

I'm willing to read it if you do something about that.

Same here, and also think the same idea can be said without using so many words.
For instance:

Sue had decided to working out in the school gym this day as she had the place to herself.

One day, Sue worked out alone in the school gym, because she had it all to herself.
This looks better, and shouldn't be the first sentence.

It's also hard to get into the story (let alone an aroused state) when you have so much that sentences will run into each other without the correct punctuations.

 

[joyfullife]

I think I gave the only Yes vote who likes the story. You desreved it. Hope you have edited and continued. PM me if and when you write more.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah. What Black Tulip said

 

[FallingToFly]

I found it impossible to read in the current format, and what I could read was repetitive to the point of dullness.

Check out the EF, and see if they can help out, if you haven't already.

 

[shrimp_dick_man]

I think I gave the only Yes vote who likes the story. You desreved it. Hope you have edited and continued. PM me if and when you write more.

Thank you for the good comments. I was told that I must try and be thick skinned if I post here. I would love to PM you and find out what you see in the story. I can not PM you for some reason. Thanks once again

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thank you for the good comments. I was told that I must try and be thick skinned if I post here. I would love to PM you and find out what you see in the story. I can not PM you for some reason. Thanks once again

It's not a matter of being "thick skinned" SDM. It's a matter of 5 or 6 experienced writers giving their honest opinion of what you've done. Lit is a learning place. Colleges and Universities teach you how to write. Lit teaches you how to write so people will read what you've written.

Also, Lit is a very competitive forum. There are a LOT of stories posted and 50-75 more posted each day. You don't get much chance to grab a reader. So there are things you can do:
Write so it's easy to read
Write so your story stands out
A great title and Tag Line help grab readers
Spelling and Grammar is required (see Submission Requirements)

And finally, Write so the story is interesting and holds the attention of the reader.

Everyone has given you good pointers. You don't suppose all of us haven't been in the same place you are now? Pshawwwwww. Of course we have. But it's the young writers who listen to their peers who excel on Lit.

You have the makings of a really good story. What you need to do now is digest what you've been told - long paragraphs, grammar, spelling, character development, etc. - and rewrite it.

If you can't get help one place, you can send it to me either by PM or email and I'll help you.

JUST DON'T GIVE UP ON A GOOD STORY!!!

JJ

 

[werdsmith]

I think it has promise, can't wait to see it all polished up.

 

[Nutting_Honey]

I agree wholeheartedly with Black Tulip and for the same reasons voted no.

 

[InsaneWolf]

Umm...the storyline itself has potential but you need to polish it up a bit.
Remember you want to entice the reader as well as stimulate them.

The office woman was on her back with her legs straddled over each side. Her legs were facing him and she had her hand between her legs and was playing with her private parts .

the office woman explains nothing about her.Say shes the receptionist

private parts reads like a fifth grade wanna be author

Heres a suggestion:
The young receptionist seductively straddled both legs over the side.
She wore a look of pure lust as she teasingly massaged her wet inviting pussy.

Eh.. you get the idea .Well if you need any help just message me