this is my first story ~ Any and all feedback is much appreciated

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As the title states, this is my first story. Any and all of your feed back is welcome and much appreciated.

It is a cool evening in the mountains. The trees sway in the light breeze as if performing an intimate dance with the night's sky. The stars have just begun to unveil themselves from the darkness. You and I are sitting in front of the blazing campfire taking in its warmth. Your arms are wrapped contently across my chest and shoulders. We are quiet, enjoying the crackling of the logs and our own company. We sit there together until the fire is little more than a few red-hot embers in the pit. You gather me in your arms and lead me to our tent. When you pull back the door I feast my eyes upon a bed of rose petals, yellow ones with red tips, my favorite. The smell is intoxicating as you take my hand and lead me into the tent. I sink to the floor and rest while you remove your clothes. When you are finished you reach down, clasp my hand in yours, and pull me up. I can see that devilish-knowing look in your eyes as you tenderly remove my jeans and then my shirt exposing my soft flesh to the crisp night air. I can feel the goosebumbs forming on my skin. You take my hand in yours and delicately kiss the tips of my finders. You release my hand and your arms reach behind me and unclasp my bra. We are so close I can feel your warm breath on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you, lightly at first then again with a little more passion, this time you kiss back. You lay down and pull me to you. I continue kissing you, my kisses stray to your jaw line and neck. You can feel my nose brush against your ear. I graze your ear with my lips and slowly I take it into my mouth and nibble delicately at the lobe. A soft moan escapes from your lips, and your breathing quickens. I release your ear, but not before blowing lightly upon it. My lips and tongue leave a delicious trail down your neck to your collarbone and chest. I can feel you breath a little faster and a little deeper now, taking in all the sensations I’m creating. While I kiss and lick at your collarbone my hand travels down your chest to your bellybutton. You gasp when my finger first makes contact with the sensitive skin around it. Gently I circle and flick your bellybutton, driving you crazy. Your mouth lets out a slight but audible moan. I move and straddle you with my knees at your hips and my hands on your chest. Again I kiss your ears, and again I nibble on them. Now your soft moaning is almost constant and I can feel your hardness between my legs. My hands are not stationary but moving ever so lightly across your chest, getting closer and closer to your nipples. You jump when I touch them, circling just around and intermittently flicking across them. My lips and hands exchange places. My fingers run through your hair and across your neck as I kiss, and suck on your nipples. It is too much, all at once you body becomes ridged, but I do not stop, on the contrary, I move faster and with more urgency than before. You convulse, small shivers course through your body. I stop and you lay there spent until the aftershocks subside. When you have regained your senses you look over and smile, and then you kiss my forehead softly. You flip me onto my back and sit astride my bare body, preventing my escape. When I look into your eyes I can see within them a look of contentment and one of mischief. Your lips meet mine and we kiss. I feel your hand trace a line from my wrist to my neck where you caress my ear with your fingertips. You move your mouth to my ear and gently blow warm air across it. I reach around your neck and pull your head closer to mine. You nip at my ear causing my breathing to quicken. Again you nibble at my ear but this time you linger a little and lick my ear up and down. My hands are on your strong arms feeling them flex as they hold you above me. I can feel your hands on my sides, tracing small circles and swirls on my tender skin. It tickles, but in a sensuous, luxurious way. You slide you hands up my sides and brush them along the outer edge of my breasts. Your thumbs inch closer each time you move your hands. They travel across my nipple and I gasp. We are kissing and I suck harder on your lip or tongue every time you graze across them. Your other hand slides down my torso and lights upon my bellybutton. You are already driving me crazy with delight and my hips buck ever so slightly at the contact. Caressing my bellybutton, you flick your finger across it and push gently inward, making me whimper in pleasure. You lick a trail down from my lips and ear to my nipples. You circle them, teasing me with your lips and tongue. You get close, but don’t actually touch them. I can barely hold onto my sanity as you tease me, my hips are moving more now and I’m breathing heavily. Quickly and without warning you wrap your lips around my nipple and suck on it flicking it with your tongue. I cannot stand it any more, I let out a moan and my body quivers with pleasure. You don’t stop, you continue to thrill me with your touch on my ears and neck, my nipples and bellybutton. I have not one orgasm but several all linked together, all fueled by you. You stop and kiss my lips gently, then you lay down beside me, place you hand on my stomach and lay there quietly while I quake and quiver with aftershocks. We are both spent now and we lay there, curled up together, your arms around me. I smile knowing you must be smiling to, though I cannot see you and we slip gently off into blissful sleep.


Thank you for your time and responses. :rose:
 
Two quick things.

1) Consider paragraphing.
2) Second person is a bad idea. Write to an audience, not to a single lover.
 
3) your sentences are very short and, well, curt. Think about adding some flesh to them, drawing every third out or something. I'm not saying you should add useless fluff...sometimes it's just easier to read if there's more going on.

if that makes any sense at all.
 
(thought of something else)

This is just a love-scene. I'm guilty of writing stories that're just love scenes, but I know that the audiences of Lit really like to have some story going on, too. Maybe if you edit this into 3rd or 1st person, change the tense, paragraph it...you could save it and use it in a story some time. Answer me three questions.

1) Who are they?

2) How did they get there?

3) What do they really, really think about each other? (Is it a fling, a marriage, a relationship...)
 
In addition to the above points (but please, take paragraphing very seriously), think about physical logic, for example:

Your arms are wrapped contently across my chest and shoulders.

It took me a while to work out what this meant. He has to be embracing you from behind, yes? That means you cannot see him and are aware of his presence mostly by touch. He can probably smell the scent of your hair. You are not using it, and the context is difficult to decode.

and:

You gather me in your arms and lead me to our tent.
Can this be possible, especially since his arms seem to already be around you (and from behind too)?

Things like this are a stumbling block for someone trying to get involved in the story, especially one demanding acceptance of a second person perspective.

GL
 
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