this is my first peom at lit..please be gentle with me.....

[sugared]

this is my first peom at lit..please be gentle with me.....

sunset night.........rainbow tide pools........the ocean kisses our toes.....passion misplaced with the forbiden love........colours of tide pools tinted with passions of yellow, red, and purple. feelings of selfindulgence, lost, found.........letting go of previous inhabitions....yet still holding on to them. ocean waters holding me as tight as the excitement of the newly found place in his arms.........dont ever stop holding me. keep me in this lustful place forever..where i can be without anything


based on a true story of newly found passion

 

[WickedEve]

this is my first peom at lit..please be gentle with me.....

sunset night.........rainbow tide pools........the ocean kisses our toes.....passion misplaced with the forbiden love........colours of tide pools tinted with passions of yellow, red, and purple. feelings of selfindulgence, lost, found.........letting go of previous inhabitions....yet still holding on to them. ocean waters holding me as tight as the excitement of the newly found place in his arms.........dont ever stop holding me. keep me in this lustful place forever..where i can be without anything


based on a true story of newly found passion

I'm slowly putting down the whip, and I'll do my best to be gentle. This poem needs a poetry paramedic. Let's start by shaping it up a bit and correcting some typos. You may not want the final version to have as many stanzas or none at all. I broke it up like this so you can take one section at a time--easier to work with this way.


sunset night,
rainbow tide pools,
the ocean kisses our toes.

passion misplaced with the forbidden love.
colors of tide pools tinted with passions
of yellow, red, and purple.

feelings of self-indulgence, lost, found,
letting go of previous inhibitions,
yet still holding on to them.

ocean waters holding me as tight as the excitement
of the newly found place in his arms.
don't ever stop holding me.
keep me in this lustful place forever
where i can be without anything.


Okay, now it's time for a doctor. If one doesn't show, I'll be back.

 

[vampiredust]

I think the last stanza should be broken up. Also, in the second stanza, does the word 'passion' really needed to be repeated twice?

The poem could read as thus:

Sunset night,
rainbow tide pools,
the ocean kisses our toes.

Passion misplaced with the forbidden love,
tide pools tinted with the colors
of yellow, red, and purple.

Feelings of self-indulgence, lost, found,
letting go of previous inhibitions,
yet still holding on to them.

Ocean waters hold me as tight
as the excitement of the newly found place
in his arms. Don't ever stop holding me,

keep me in this lustful place forever
where I can be without anything.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Also, in the second stanza, does the word 'passion' really needed to be repeated twice?

It was only repeated once.

 

[WickedEve]

It was only repeated once.

Hi, smartass.

vamp, I agree about making the last two lines a stanza.

 

[bogusbrig]

A bit of juggling and deleting


Passion misplaced and forbidden love,
The tide pools with rainbow tints
Yellow, reds and purples

Self-indulgence, lost and found,
letting go yet still holding on
As the ocean kisses our toes

Waters cloak me tight
excitement of this new found place
in his arms. Don't ever stop holding me,

keep me in this lustful night
I can be without anything

...but you​

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

sunsets face
mirrored on rainbow tide pools
the ebb and flow of waves
with a gentle lovers insistance
kisses our toes

passions colours found in forbiden love
reflections
yellow,
red,
purple.

consuming selfindulgence,
lost,
found
trepidation of released inhabitions

ocean waters holding me tight
to a newly found place in his arms
to live in this momment forever
where i can be without anything
but you.

 

[Rybka]

a quick take as if it were mine

At the moment I am feeling minimal, and I am always spacey.

Sunset rainbow
night tide pools
ocean kissed toes.

Passion misplaced
forbidden love
tinted with colors
yellow, red, and purple.

Feelings of self-indulgence
lost
. . . . . . . found
let go of inhibitions,
yet embrace them still

Ocean waters hug
as tight as new excitement
the newly found place in his arms

Don't ever stop holding
keep me in this lustful place forever
where
I can be
. . . . . . . without anything.

 

[Angeline]

Hello and welcome to the poetry forum.

I agree with the folks who suggest you shape your poem and not have your lines divided with ellipsis points--it's too hard to read that way.

Rather than discuss specific lines (well mostly), here's what I think.

The way that poetry is distinguished from prose is that in prose you tell, you explain how things are, but in poems you show instead of explaining. The tools of poets are images that show. You can do that with similies (saying something is like something else) or metaphor (saying something IS something else). If, for example, you say "The sun was butter," you convey qualities--in this case a certain color, maybe a melting quality--without having to explain it.

The best parts of your poem are the places where you make images work for your readers. The best line, imo, is "the ocean kissed our toes" because I know exactly what you mean without your having to say "we stood at the waves' edge and we got a little seawater on our toes." The more you can do that, the better your poem becomes. Anytime you have an explanation or a nebulous word like "passion," let your imagination run wild and think of an image that would get the idea across.

At first, many of your ideas for images will be dopey or otherwise not work (and trust me I am being gentle, I say this from personal experience), but if you keep being imaginative and asking yourself "does this precisely describe what I mean?" your poetry will keep getting better.

If you have specific questions, feel free to ask em here. You''ll get a bunch of opinions which typically will disagree with each other, but it will keep you thinking about what works for you, which is the whole idea.



Gently yours,
Agnes

 

[Guest]

At the moment I am feeling minimal, and I am always spacey.

Sunset rainbow
night tide pools
ocean kissed toes.

Passion misplaced
forbidden love
tinted with colors
yellow, red, and purple.

Feelings of self-indulgence
lost
. . . . . . . found
let go of inhibitions,
yet embrace them still

Ocean waters hug
as tight as new excitement
the newly found place in his arms

Don't ever stop holding
keep me in this lustful place forever
where
I can be
. . . . . . . without anything.

Me too only more so.



Rainbow sunset
night tide pools
kiss toes.

misplaced passion
forbidden love
tinted color
yellow, red, purple.

self-indulgent feelings
lost
. . . . . . . found
lose inhibitions,
yet embrace them still

Oceans hug
tight as new excitement
found in his arms

Don't ever stop
hold me in this lustful place forever
where
I can be
. . . . . . . without
...........................anything.

 

[eagleyez]

Be gentle.
Fools decide a mean attitude-
Blood curdles
As if some neccesitude-

Jangle heart
Letters strung
Ive lived too long
To come so undone-

Rainy roads
Wipers sweep visionary blur
Be gentle
Oh men and women
I do incur

clear the floor to let her dance
throw the chairs into the fireplace
hot heart
no stop
no start.

 

[twelveoone]

Hello and welcome to the poetry forum.

I agree with the folks who suggest you shape your poem and not have your lines divided with ellipsis points--it's too hard to read that way.

Rather than discuss specific lines (well mostly), here's what I think.

The way that poetry is distinguished from prose is that in prose you tell, you explain how things are, but in poems you show instead of explaining. The tools of poets are images that show. You can do that with similies (saying something is like something else) or metaphor (saying something IS something else). If, for example, you say "The sun was butter," you convey qualities--in this case a certain color, maybe a melting quality--without having to explain it.

The best parts of your poem are the places where you make images work for your readers. The best line, imo, is "the ocean kissed our toes" because I know exactly what you mean without your having to say "we stood at the waves' edge and we got a little seawater on our toes." The more you can do that, the better your poem becomes. Anytime you have an explanation or a nebulous word like "passion," let your imagination run wild and think of an image that would get the idea across.

At first, many of your ideas for images will be dopey or otherwise not work (and trust me I am being gentle, I say this from personal experience), but if you keep being imaginative and asking yourself "does this precisely describe what I mean?" your poetry will keep getting better.

If you have specific questions, feel free to ask em here. You''ll get a bunch of opinions which typically will disagree with each other, but it will keep you thinking about what works for you, which is the whole idea.



Gently yours,
Agnes

Agnes?
BTW just doing this to see it repeated, it is worth it.

"If you have specific questions, feel free to ask em here. You''ll get a bunch of opinions which typically will disagree with each other, but it will keep you thinking about what works for you, which is the whole idea."

Dear sugared, read what Ang? Agnes? very carefully, it deserves elaboration. The operative words are what works, not who agrees with you. These "opinions which typically will disagree with each other" are best looked at as a strength, nobody "sees" everything, nobody is perfect, nothing is right or wrong in itself, so you will get varied slants. It is as Agnes? says to keep YOU thinking about what works for you, you have to justify your choices.

er, well said, Agnes?

 

[Angeline]

Agnes?

<snip>

er, well said, Agnes?

It's all Eve's fault.

 

[WickedEve]

It's all Eve's fault.

look down.
there's now an eye watching you, agnes. lol

 

[Angeline]

look down.
there's now an eye watching you, agnes. lol

I just saw. It's givin me the heebie jeebies. I'm afraid it can see what a perv... pernicious, no wait pervasive per something person I really am.

 

[champagne1982]

I just saw. It's givin me the heebie jeebies. I'm afraid it can see what a perv... pernicious, no wait pervasive per something person I really am.

Persnickety, yes! Pernicious, no!

 

[Angeline]

Persnickety, yes! Pernicious, no!

I've changed my mind. I wanna be perspicacious.

 

[sugared]

...........................

 

[The Poets]

Thank you all for you helpful critique of my work. I'm kinda new at Lit and realy appreciate the input. Confession.............I was a little tipsy at the time of writing. Kinda needed a drink after I came back from the ocean with my lover that night(I'm married.......happily) I'll try and take poetry more seriously next time.Sometimes I just get so passionate though and I want the whole world to know. Thank you all for your kind words!

Sometimes, we all need to write while drunk.
Now that you're sober and back on the board, let's see some more poetry.

 

[DeepAsleep]

Sometimes, we all need to write while drunk.
Now that you're sober and back on the board, let's see some more poetry.

I prefer to write after a couple beers, because it makes me more loose and apt to say what I really mean instead of going for some kind of flowery shite.

SHITE.

Don't fear drunken writing, unless you're too drunk.

even then, if you use small words, no one notices.

~R

 

[flyguy69]

I prefer to write after a couple beers, because it makes me more loose and apt to say what I really mean instead of going for some kind of flowery shite.

SHITE.

Don't fear drunken writing, unless you're too drunk.

even then, if you use small words, no one notices.

~R

Too drunk to write, or too drunk to fear?

And everyone thinks they can write drunk until they face the field sobriety tests:

Alright buddy, your metaphor is wandering all over the place. Put down that pen and step away from the desk.

Recite your name and address. In dactylic pentameter.
Assonate "bookkeeper"
Give me ten cliches for "dawn" in 30 seconds.
How are breasts like birthday presents? How are they different?

 

[champagne1982]

Too drunk to write, or too drunk to fear?

And everyone thinks they can write drunk until they face the field sobriety tests:

Alright buddy, your metaphor is wandering all over the place. Put down that pen and step away from the desk.

Recite your name and address. In dactylic pentameter.
Assonate "bookkeeper"
Give me ten cliches for "dawn" in 30 seconds.
How are breasts like birthday presents? How are they different?

I am NOT tellING you MY name. SUCK toads AND DIE. bookkeeper --sootsweeper -- foot kneader... ahh you know.

10? ... yawning peeking sun in the east of a bright new day and a breaking light sunward 'fore noon, cock crow, early birds and one fresh worm. Okay... that took about 90 seconds but I'm still sober.