This is a Poam

swordandsandle

Literotica Guru
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The Lure of Loth

Far away from the deep dwarf mines, far from the seas of snow,

Many leagues from this little town in a land that none still know,

A forest lies under high pearl clouds, and within the trees they dwell,

An elven city, though once quite free, that fell to the Nine Hells.

Once temples shone like sun upon the sharp hoe head,

Corellan’s holy beacon, of which all beasts felt dread.

And homes of warped and tender wood, and stores of bread and mead,

Yet now the people, they are lost, all due to one elf’s greed.

One shining dawn, at sun’s first light, the council met the kings

East and west of wood they ruled, each with land and things.

The first was titled Harkthood, the mage lord of the east,

Frail but kind, he loyally stood, with elf ‘gainst any beast.

The other, simply Untar, stood fiercely for the west,

Though he said he cared for his people, Harkthood he repressed.

The kings, though never best of friends,

Were forced to work toward equal ends.

For from the southern hills they came,

Under one banner, chanting one name.

The orcish horde, so strong and fierce, tattooed with Grummsh’s eye,

With axe in hand and hide on back, to slay the elves they try.

Harkthood spoke “We need a plan, bring me to the library.”

While Untar simply said “the orcs are not so scary”

For countless dawns and countless dusks, oh did Harkthood toll

Requesting bard, scrawling lines, and reading every scroll

He called his people to the city, Astern it was named,

“I have a plan, the elves are strong, take the right!” proclaimed

The elven warriors strung their bows, and wood for flint was charred,

And every magus of the woods they came. Sorcerer, Wizard, Bard.

The people from the west came too, with blade and spell and bow.

But Untar, in name of illness, did not come in tow.

With valor this army marched out, Corellon’s crescent high,

And to the edge of tree and trail, oh their feet did fly.

Wait, oh my audience I have forgot a fact,

You know nothing of this god, so I shall lay your track.

The elvish god Corellon Larethian, the wooded guardian be,

The friend of all who walk the ground, and all who live in tree.

Though freedom and art he emphasizes, a term he sets ahead.

Good must come before all else, so he may take you from your death bed.

Well, now that you have vaguely learned of the god so old,

I shall return to my poem, for the tale must still be told.

The orcish horde it came to sight, their banners stained with blood,

They chanted fierce and vulgar cries, and at the woods slung mud.

They elves from forest’s edge marched out, knocking great bow strings

Yet from above a light shone down, accompanied by rings.

Pillars of golden fell descended toward the rear of the great horde,

A fact stood as the flesh fiends charged, none were to be bored.

Steel sundered skin, flame burned bone, and arcane fell the orcen best.

Also, many feathered lay, arrows through their chest

The sounds were all of dying cries; the scent of blood ran thick,

The battle’s victor, so it seemed, not even gods could pick.

The fight it died eventually, just as all fights do,

Oh Corellon Larethian willed it, this day the orcs would roe.

The horde was simply routed, Harkhood’s plan was right.

Elven armies had won this war, with only a single fight.

Members of the east and west, raised spear and sword and bow.

With the forest guardians will, Grummsh’s children were knocked low.

The army marched triumphantly, back to their wooded home.

They had lived a tale to tell every halfling, every gnome.

Arriving back in Astern, they meet in eerie sight,

With abject astonishment of what had passed in those weeks to reach the fight

On the night the troops they marched, the crescent banner waving,

Untar arrived in the great tree city, and told about him saving,

The forest by striking down the horde with his allies their in tow,

The creatures of the Underdark, Loth’s servants, the Drow.

Their skin was dark as death, and their eyes were clear as cream,

Their hair was bleached albino, and cloth had web for seam.

The Drow were welcomed peacefully, as heroes to the elves,

As were the creatures they brought with them, from their subterranean delves.

Over three days they settled in, to council they were set,

And all throughout the wooded lands, the Shadow Elves were let.

Slowly darkness seeped into that city in the trees.

At first it was quite minor, killing hives of stinging bees.

Yet it grew over short days, that darkness in the culture,

The Drow let out their honeyed words, yet they were simply vulture.

First there went the music, the minstrels played for cheers.

The reason was, quite logically, it hurt the frail Drow’s ears.

Second fell the weekly feast, of mead and mutton too.

Another reason, that stores had fell, was also easy to chew.

Corellon Larethian‘s clerics stood, and voiced their discontent,

But Untar twisted up their words, and the order to repent.

The Hall of Sculptures fell down next, yet excuses were repeated,

Untar, in wisdom, spoke of Harkthood’s touch, making it desecrated.

To take their place, it was proclaimed,

The works created under Loth’s name.

A group of elven mistrals, to show their hidden rage,

Took in their arms some crossbows, and shot Loth’s greatest sage.

The Spider Queen, for that Loth was, called out through her priests

And loudly proclaimed to the public that the artists, they were beasts.

The next rising sun Untar drew his blade and one neck at a time,

Behead elven minstrel before the crowd, no matter if had crime.

Again the clerics they called out, to all the elvish people,

Until the rumor came about them Harkthood touched their steeple.

The Drow, they nurtured this information, and bound it to their will,

And then among the common elf there fell a mighty chill,

Toward the servants of Corellon Larethian, who soon were isolated,

And no sooner was that dark deed done laws passed, and not debated.

The rations to the elves were cut, each meal a smaller platter,

But Untar and the Drow, it seemed, were only getting fatter.

Thievery abounded, and the guard aid it just laxed.

And within every wood elf, the heart was just too taxed.

Soon elven will it faltered, and with this event the Drow,

They seized the opportunity, and soon they ran the show.

More blasphemy and chaos, soon entered from the wings.

Lying, murder, stealing, and other unbearable things.

The priests that served Corellon Larethian, stuck with most of the bills,

Appealed to the crescent banner god, who let them head for the hills.

Lichen chocked out flower, and mushroom slaughtered vine,

And trees were cut to pieces to open room for mines.

The forest became Underdark, the elves were brainwashed fully,

By the words of Great Lord Untar. They worked with pick and pulley.

Corellon Larethian frowned down , upon his children’s choice.

And yet his ideals they had forsaken, so they did not hear his voice.

Soon freedom too was snatched from them, like a theft beneath the stars.

For any word of the “elder times” sent one directly behind bars.

Finally, that fateful dusk, the elves and Drow did gather,

Beneath the might oak, the one tree to mine they rather.

Untar stood above them all, in ebon silk was dressed,

Above the Drow he fancied himself higher then the rest.

“Behold” he yelled “this glories day our deity did speak,”

“And told to me off his evil plans, so him we can not keep.”

“Instead I bring you our new lord, her commandment they are lean,”

“So now I say, may all of us, pay homage to the Spider Queen.”

The elves, mostly in trust of him, cried out “ May Loth live long”

Never to finally realize, that they had made the unforgivable wrong

Far away from the deep dwarf mines, far from the seas of snow,

Many leagues form this little town, in the land ruled by the Drow.

I bloody pile of bodies lie and upon the top there stood,

With his final words “ May Corellon forgive” upon the lips of Harkthood.
 
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i'm sorry, but the block of text without breaks makes it hard work for my eyes.

is it possible, and beneficial to the piece, to break this up at all? i would think so. until then i didn't get past about 12 lines. sorry.
 
i'm sorry, but the block of text without breaks makes it hard work for my eyes.

is it possible, and beneficial to the piece, to break this up at all? i would think so. until then i didn't get past about 12 lines. sorry.



Done and done
 
I have to ask—did you really mean "poam?" That would help me understand where you're coming from. A simple scan of the first lines of your poem suggests that you are not illiterate that way (i.e., being totally incompetent in spelling), so I assume you have a reason for that spelling.

It isn't obvious. What is it?

And, though you aren't consistent in your meter, you obviously understand stresses and iambic feet. Also, I doubt cb meant with her comment "the block of text without breaks makes it hard work for my eyes" meant that would be fixed by double-spacing the text. Maybe she did. I'm not her, of course.

And that Animal Farm comment is too, too weird. I mean, like, Animal Farm inspired you to write some "elves and orcs" type poem?

I think you're jerking us around, bud. But my opinion is that your "poam" is bad imitation Tolkien.

It's actually pretty close to "good imitation Tolkien," if that's what you're shooting for. You basically need to fix your meter. I mean, Tolkien his ownself was, in my opinion, a really, really bad poet, so there isn't some big hill to climb there. A lot of people like him—idolize him, even. So you probably have an audience.

Count your stresses for each line. If I can assume you're trying to emulate Tolkien, you're probably more interested in podic verse than the Western accentual-syllabic standard. Part of what makes your poem sound odd is that the stresses in your lines change.
 
I have to ask—did you really mean "poam?" That would help me understand where you're coming from. A simple scan of the first lines of your poem suggests that you are not illiterate that way (i.e., being totally incompetent in spelling), so I assume you have a reason for that spelling.

It isn't obvious. What is it?

And, though you aren't consistent in your meter, you obviously understand stresses and iambic feet. Also, I doubt cb meant with her comment "the block of text without breaks makes it hard work for my eyes" meant that would be fixed by double-spacing the text. Maybe she did. I'm not her, of course.

And that Animal Farm comment is too, too weird. I mean, like, Animal Farm inspired you to write some "elves and orcs" type poem?

I think you're jerking us around, bud. But my opinion is that your "poam" is bad imitation Tolkien.

It's actually pretty close to "good imitation Tolkien," if that's what you're shooting for. You basically need to fix your meter. I mean, Tolkien his ownself was, in my opinion, a really, really bad poet, so there isn't some big hill to climb there. A lot of people like him—idolize him, even. So you probably have an audience.

Count your stresses for each line. If I can assume you're trying to emulate Tolkien, you're probably more interested in podic verse than the Western accentual-syllabic standard. Part of what makes your poem sound odd is that the stresses in your lines change.
you're right, Tzara. this needs some verse breaks (amongst other things) but right now i don't have the time.

what was it about Animal Farm that inspired this?

rhyming couplets, if not a little subtle, will too often mislead the ear and eye from the story unfolding in a narrative piece. don't force a rhyme, look to your punctuation (sometimes allow the line-breaks to do the work of a comma as they are well able to), and yes, find natural breaks for verse delineation and so on.
there were also a few strange word-choices that i feel let it down, thinking they were chosen not for their sound/rhythm/meaning but for want of finding something better to fit into the line.
i will come back when i have time.
 
God only knows what a poam is, but what this is is a little bit of short epic that is a little bit short of epic.

lose the couplets / the rhymes distract
there are better ways / to get the same impact

when epic poets / write epic poems
sometimes repetition / can create a rhythm
each line in two parts / with a break in the middle
that break has a name / that I can't remember
it creates a sensation / of call and response
also alliteration / allows an amount
of musical meter / to be made in the mouth

somehow I suspect / that homer's not threatened
by my little efforts here / but that is alright
it's just some suggestions / for a D & D poet
who should probably tell me / to go hump an orc
 
Orwell was kinda the anti-Tolkien with his anthropomorphic animals. Tolkien was notoriously pro-monarchist/statist, with his one true Lord of Eagles, Horses, this and that.

I've read all the Middle-earth books, including the histories series, and I uniformly skim or just pass over the horrid poetry -- which made The Lays of Beleriand volume a difficult read. Led Zeppelin could've made a whole album out of that book, they were much better at Tolkien poetry than Tolkien.

In terms of your poem I agree with the other posters. Get some training in traditional rhyme and meter.
 
Having missed what your 'poam' originally looked like (I was away) I can't comment on that but as it is I'm afraid you lose my interest long before the end with this layout.
For instance this part seems to have a rhyme forced in to keep the meter

The next rising sun Untar drew his blade and one neck at a time,

Behead elven minstrel before the crowd, no matter if had crime.

Afraid I couldn't figure out the Animal Farm reference either
 
I have to ask—did you really mean "poam?" That would help me understand where you're coming from. A simple scan of the first lines of your poem suggests that you are not illiterate that way (i.e., being totally incompetent in spelling), so I assume you have a reason for that spelling.

It isn't obvious. What is it?

And, though you aren't consistent in your meter, you obviously understand stresses and iambic feet. Also, I doubt cb meant with her comment "the block of text without breaks makes it hard work for my eyes" meant that would be fixed by double-spacing the text. Maybe she did. I'm not her, of course.

And that Animal Farm comment is too, too weird. I mean, like, Animal Farm inspired you to write some "elves and orcs" type poem?

I think you're jerking us around, bud. But my opinion is that your "poam" is bad imitation Tolkien.

It's actually pretty close to "good imitation Tolkien," if that's what you're shooting for. You basically need to fix your meter. I mean, Tolkien his ownself was, in my opinion, a really, really bad poet, so there isn't some big hill to climb there. A lot of people like him—idolize him, even. So you probably have an audience.

Count your stresses for each line. If I can assume you're trying to emulate Tolkien, you're probably more interested in podic verse than the Western accentual-syllabic standard. Part of what makes your poem sound odd is that the stresses in your lines change.
I agree about the Tolkien inference there Tzed. When I read it I was wondering if I had stumbled into plaigiarism doo but I was happy to see this isn't the case.

Did you mean you'd read Animal Farm and The Lord of the Flies and The Fellowship of the Ring all at one go S&S? If so I can see how they'd inspire a bit of a bloody-type epic such as this. I'm glad you found a poem in your experience though, keep writing and reading, then you will have a piece worthy of the title of this thread.

Thanks for sharing.

p.s. Tzed. Don't forget that Thread Titles can't be edited by any except mods so maybe the typo wasn't noted until after the poem was posted.
 
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p.s. Tzed. Don't forget that Thread Titles can't be edited by any except mods so maybe the typo wasn't noted until after the poem was posted.
That's true, m'dear. Thanks for reminding me. But our OP never corrected it, or commented on it, so I am still presuming he/she meant that spelling.

But maybe not. I'd wish he/she'd clarify that.

I also want to apologize to s&s for my snarkiness about his/her poem. Fantasy is Not My Cup of Tea, subject-wise, but what I was trying to say was that a lot of people like fantasy poems and if someone wants to write one, there are a lot of people (even a market, I think, if h/s wants to think about publication) who are into it. For me, it's like reading my way through a root canal, but I'm not the intended audience. So S'nSter, filter my comments through my taste, which ain't all that refined, in any case.

I still think you need to fix your meter, though. Tolkien was as regular as a metronome. That isn't a good thing, actually, but I think the standard you're shooting for.

Also, as UYS pointed out, recraft those lines where you stretch to make rhyme. I don't think you should ditch the rhyme, as that is part of the form I think you're writing to, but it needs to be more organic. Forced rhyme is bad rhyme. I don't think you force rhyme too egregiously, but you do a bit. You'll know better than I do when you've pressed things. (Hey, I write sonnets and force things all the time. Always ends up making the poem worse, but I understand why you do it. Probably the same reason I do--because it is easier than working through finding a natural rhyme, or changing the word you're rhyming to.)

Anyway, and again something I was trying to say originally but probably said badly, I think you have some skills. Just keep working them, bud. Poetry is a process, not just a craft.
 
I've seen poem written as 'pome' in Ye Olde English as per Dickens' times so perhaps there are variations
 
I've seen poem written as 'pome' in Ye Olde English as per Dickens' times so perhaps there are variations

wild variations in spelling were the norm until dictionaries and grammar schools became prevalent. It's only been a couple of centuries, so perhaps S&S was hearkening back to "ye goode olde dayes"
 
With gentle hands
brush amber strands
from my face and
see me.

Kiss sweet blossoms
from my lips,
I’ve saved for you.

There’s need in these eyes,
inside the jade.

You are unsure,
Will you be sorry?
Urgently, you follow.

In shadow we linger;
I will not say no,
because today
I am weak.
_______________
UPVC Doors
UPVC Front Doors



Might be better to put your poems on a different thread rather than hi-jack someone elses
 
Might be better to put your poems on a different thread rather than hi-jack someone elses

Wow, I am so glad to see what happened to my thread.

I think some explinations are in order.

First off, I whipped this thing togther in less then fifteen minutes as a rough draft, so don't expect it to be perfect. I'm also not a talented or practiced poet.

Basically, this was the first poam I've written in three years
 
God only knows what a poam is, but what this is is a little bit of short epic that is a little bit short of epic.

Does remind me of a Russian bylina more than Eddaic poetry.
 
Bylinas are basically epyllions--that is, a short epic with limited scope but a story none the less. For example, in the most known bylina, Stavr Godinovich tells only of a boyar who impresses the prince of Kiev with the wit of his wife. It's rather short and trite compared to other epyllions and epics.
 
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