This baby requires a lot of work

wishfulthinking

Misbehaving
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Nov 3, 2003
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Hi there, this is part of a story I'm working on, and would appreciate lots of pointers. It is my first forray into sci-fi/fantasy category, and at the moment feel as though I'm falling into all the usual cliches (not believable etc). I've posted the first part below.

Background: I read an except from one of Jaid Black's stories, and have drawn on her idea of the use of venomous vines to break in new slaves, modified it beyond all recognition so that Ms Black cannot be blamed for my lame attempt. In the opening I will mention that it is a tribute to her.
 
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Hi there,

Great, innovative ideas will always fall in the face of two dimensional characters and this in no way a criticism aimed solely at amateur writers. What I would suggest is to always remember that even in fantasy and science fiction the characters should be well fleshed out and plenty of description provided. So give us more direct information about the places she finds herself in and her reactions - how they smell, the sounds, her feelings in more detail. Describe your warriors instead of just saying "the old warrior" or "the woman warrior". Is he proud and still virile, or bent and wretched, a shallow bearded shadow of what he maybe once was? Is she buxom and desirable or androgynous, even manly?

When you refer to her memories of home and the rituals you do so from her own perspective so presume that your reader is intelligent, you don't have to explain that such and such is a goddess; the fact that she is praying to her automatically tells us this and also invites us a little deeper into her world.

Try and vary your vocabulary. Too many 'cunts' and 'cocks' gets boring after a while. Invest in a thesaurus, or spend some time compiling lists of alternatives.

Tell us how she feels directly about this violation of her body, not just what she might be dreading or vague references to her orgasms.

Hope that was helpful.

:kiss: Sadie
 
Hi Sadie, thanks very much for that. It needs a lot of work, and you've a made a lot of good suggestions that will help me on my way.

BTW, where abouts in manchester? I lived in chorlton for a few months earlier this year.

Cheers, Sarah
 
Chorlton...? Like the Wheelies? (if you are under a certain age this prolly means nothing *LOL*)

I live to the north of the city, outside Bolton.

You actually tell a very good story and I didn't mean any nasties, but I've learnt myself, the hard way, reading back through stuff I've written much later on that some things just leap out and hit you in the face.

Keep scribblin'!! :D

If the Aussie sun :cool: don't inspire you, nothin' will.

xxx.Sadie
 
Hey, no nasties.

It needs a lot of work, I knew that. I've totally re-written it so it may only be vaguely familiar by the time it gets posted:D

Don't know about the wheelies thing. And never did get to Bolton, probably salford was as far as I got that way. Go City!
 
I read your posted stories the other night and they were very competent. I think my only conscious comment was that Leonn, if he was French, would surely be Leon d'Angè. ;)

Poor Bella, tho. *strokes*


City have the faithful worried at the mome *more strokes* I'm sure they'll hang in there, they generally do.

You've missed nothing with Bolton. It's hardly a tourist trap.


xx.Sadie
 
First of all, you’ll probably get more responses if you post a link. So here’s part 2 of your story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=118531

I read Part 1 before and commented, and as I recall I had a hard time with your use of pronouns rather than proper names to identify who was doing what. Part 2, though, is almost all sex, so there’s little room for confusion, and I think you bring this chapter off quite well. In fact I thought it was very good.

The sex is graphic without being obscene, and very well described, and the language and tone is just right for this kind of period story. There’s enough concrete detail to make the scene vivid, and you do a fine job of mixing description of what’s going on with what she’s feeling.

I had a little trouble with how quickly and easily she came the first time. It seems to me a little more struggling and denial was in order, but that’s no big thing.

I think the place where you have to watch yourself is in your sentence construction. A couple of times in the story I saw things like this:

Her hands pushed ineffectually against the muscular shoulders, knowing that her cause was hopeless.

The way the sentence is written makes it sound as if her hands knew that it was hopeless: “Hands” is the subject of the sentence. It’s a minor point, but there were other instances of this kind of thing, and it made me stumble a few times in the story.

I also have to mention her “scarlet” hair and her “ruby” pubic hair. Okay, no one has scarlet hair, but I’ll let you slide with this as hyperbole. But “ruby” pubic hair stopped me cold. A ruby is deep red and is transparent. Surely you can find a better synonym for “red” than one which stops the reader with thoughts of bright red, transparent pubic hair?

Otherwise I thought it was pretty good. I especially like the verb “accede” ;)

---dr.M.
 
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Thanks Dr M, although I think it is too late to change the scarlet/ruby! Sorry for the confusion, but I have edited the first post of the thread to remove the story (not actually ch.02, the one you are thinking about), because I have since then changed it completely. It was a sci-fi piece that was a bit lame. As soon as Ch.03 of innocent pawn is up (pending), then I'll submit it.

Hi Sadie, about the Leon d'Angel bit, very true! Also, I think you could put it as Ange d' or something like that.

But truthfully, there are a lot of things I did not give much thought to in the first chapter (eg the name Isabella might be more suited to someone in Italy), and I have simply tried to keep consistent since then, and tried not to cringe at my own stupidity while doing so. But I have learnt, and know now to give more thought to the words I use.:D
 
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