rosebud1986
Virgin
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- Jun 4, 2009
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*****
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Thinking I did something wrong...need input
- Thread starter rosebud1986
- Start date
EricCalder
Virgin
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- Feb 20, 2009
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- 16
I found your story to quite well written, so by all means keep churning out more. I have no idea about the category stuff.
This isn't really my sort of topic, well, not the sort of topic I would search for in an erotic story, but, that's just me. I found this to be a very personal without going outlandish, displaying some of the emotions that come from a crush.
This is minor, perhaps, but I thought you used some writing techniques well, like the effective use of parenthesis, and sudden breaks with very very short paragraphs, things which are not always handled well.
So I liked it.
This isn't really my sort of topic, well, not the sort of topic I would search for in an erotic story, but, that's just me. I found this to be a very personal without going outlandish, displaying some of the emotions that come from a crush.
This is minor, perhaps, but I thought you used some writing techniques well, like the effective use of parenthesis, and sudden breaks with very very short paragraphs, things which are not always handled well.
So I liked it.
rosebud1986
Virgin
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- Jun 4, 2009
- Posts
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*****
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Well Rosebud, it definitely falls under toys/masturbation, as the coupling is fantasy only. The story reads well and keeps the interest level up. Future chapters could end up in different categories depending on the content. Overall, a good effort. Lance
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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- Jul 8, 2006
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- 10,872
Well... it was a good story, but here wrote in first person. I've done it. Slick Willy does it all the time, as well as others. It's hard to write in that POV. The problem with first person is what I think of as the "I Syndrom". I did this. I did that. I thought this. I wondered about that. And so on.
Many new writers fall into telling a story in first person. But you don't want to tell a story you want to create the images of the story, the characters and actions in the mind of your readers. I personally find that hard in first person. I always suggest you go to third person and write as though you are a "fly on the wall" watching the story unfold along with the reader. Then the story becomes Wilber and Merna, he and she, him and her or they. It gives you a lot more options to mix up the nouns and pronouns.
Did you really do anything wrong? No, but it could be much better. Rather than reading the story, I would much rather have been drawn into the story and have it going off in my head rather than on the screen in front of me.
The second thing third person does is make it much easier for your characters to tell their own story through dialogue. Always remember - Dialogue is interesting and leads to votes... discription is disinteresting and leads to back clicks.
Don't be discouraged. The story was pretty good. You have a good plot, although one I've seen a number of times here. Your use of words is good and your grammar is excellent.
Keep at it. You will catch on.
Many new writers fall into telling a story in first person. But you don't want to tell a story you want to create the images of the story, the characters and actions in the mind of your readers. I personally find that hard in first person. I always suggest you go to third person and write as though you are a "fly on the wall" watching the story unfold along with the reader. Then the story becomes Wilber and Merna, he and she, him and her or they. It gives you a lot more options to mix up the nouns and pronouns.
Did you really do anything wrong? No, but it could be much better. Rather than reading the story, I would much rather have been drawn into the story and have it going off in my head rather than on the screen in front of me.
The second thing third person does is make it much easier for your characters to tell their own story through dialogue. Always remember - Dialogue is interesting and leads to votes... discription is disinteresting and leads to back clicks.
Don't be discouraged. The story was pretty good. You have a good plot, although one I've seen a number of times here. Your use of words is good and your grammar is excellent.
Keep at it. You will catch on.
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