Thinking about my kids...

[FallingToFly]

My oldest boy turned 7 yesterday. Actually, the day before yesterday, but I haven't been to bed yet.

For his birthday, I redid his room. New paint, new curtains, new decorations.. I just finished everything except taking out the dirty laundry piled on his bed and putting fresh linens on. I sat there on the floor after the last dinosaur and book was in place, and looked around. We finally retired the Beatrix Potter prints and accesories in favor of balsa wood skeletons and fake jungles, and there's a bible in his nightstand- his choice, not mine. There's an algebra book on his milk-crate bookshelf because the numbers fascinate him, and he keeps tryign to work his way through the equations. He's reading Choose Your Own Adventure books and asking me if I can help him find constellations with his telescope.

In the middle of it, I just started crying. That happens a lot lately, I just start crying for odd reasons- this time, it's because I feel like he's growing up too fast. I don't want to let him go yet. Everyone says, "Oh, well you still have 11 years of raising him.." Well, a few hours ago, it was 12. And just the blink of an eye before that it was 13. My sweet little baby, so tiny he fit in the crook of my arm and weighed nothing, is going into second grade. The little soft cuddly toddler with his chubby feet doesn't have time for cuddling anymore, he's busy reading about dinosaurs. My kindergartener with his head of blond curls has a buzz cut and a loose tooth now.

I'm losing my baby, one day, one minute, at a time, and I don't want to share him yet. You'll get him the whole of his adult life- he's only mine for now, and I'm selfish. I don't want to let go of my baby yet. I want to be his mommy for as long as he'll let me- and that grows less and less each day. I'm jealous of time. I just want everything to stop, and I want to go back. I want just one more day to hold my babies as newborns, one more day to watch them fumble through their first steps, I want to listen to them babble their first words again. They're all growing up too fast, learning too fast, turning into little men with such different personalities so quickly- and I want, greedily, more of their lives to treasure once they've gone.

Every day is precious, and I'm so proud of all they've accomplished, all they've seen and done and told me about, every little nuance in their budding personalities. Still, I'm sitting here in this empty house, and wishing I could have back some of the time I've lost. You never realize, until you've already slipped past it without noticing, how precious every second of their lives is, how little you can remember as they grow, and how desperately you want those moments back, just to re-fix them in your mind.

I want my babies to stay little, where I can keep them safe and happy, forever. A new color on his walls won't cheer my boy up when his first girlfriend breaks up with him, a band-aid and a kiss won't fix it when he has his first car accident. Cookies and a glass of milk won't ease his hunger when he starts questioning the whys of the world. Mommy can't fix the injustices of the world when he's fifteen, twenty, thirty. But for now- I'm Superman. I can leap tall buildings and stop runaway trains in his eyes, I can defeat Lex Luthor and hurl that meteor back out into space and save the world. For now, I can be his hero. I just want to be his hero forever.

 

[Anniejustagirl]

I want my babies to stay little, where I can keep them safe and happy, forever. A new color on his walls won't cheer my boy up when his first girlfriend breaks up with him, a band-aid and a kiss won't fix it when he has his first car accident. Cookies and a glass of milk won't ease his hunger when he starts questioning the whys of the world. Mommy can't fix the injustices of the world when he's fifteen, twenty, thirty. But for now- I'm Superman. I can leap tall buildings and stop runaway trains in his eyes, I can defeat Lex Luthor and hurl that meteor back out into space and save the world. For now, I can be his hero. I just want to be his hero forever.

For now... and even though you both may lose sight of it for a time.... you will be there in his hero-worship.... forever....

You can read your heart in your words.... and i have no doubt, that it's even easier to SEE! He sees.....

 

[kiwiwolf]

I wish I could tell you it gets easier Falling, but in reality it doesn't. I'm the father of the worlds most gorgeous 8 year old girl. 6 years ago she was the perfect little bundle. I carried her everywhere. Now she's getting too big to carry anywhere but we still try.

The only advantage I see of my munchkin growing up is that we can share more. She shares my love of rugby so we sit and watch internationals together. We can cook together... she's a damned good pasta cook. She reads with me and sends me emails every week we are apart.

Unfortunately I am a weekend father, only seeing her every second weekend and whenever else I can manage it. Take comfort in the fact that you have your kids with you all the time. It is a gift that is often taken for granted... one that I would give anything to have. Take joy in the fact that you will see every development along his growth path, and know that you'll be there for him when he needs you... and not miles away. You sound like an incredible mom... have fun with your kids while you still have them.

 

[S-Des]

I
Unfortunately I am a weekend father, only seeing her every second weekend and whenever else I can manage it. Take comfort in the fact that you have your kids with you all the time. It is a gift that is often taken for granted... one that I would give anything to have. Take joy in the fact that you will see every development along his growth path, and know that you'll be there for him when he needs you... and not miles away. You sound like an incredible mom... have fun with your kids while you still have them.

I have the same problem. Every other weekend and every Tuesday. This year she goes into first grade and I'll no longer be able to visit her every day at daycare. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to not see her for days at a time.

It seems like yesterday that I took this picture. Today I threw out my back, tossing her up in the air and catching her (despite working out 4 days a week, just to keep up with how fast she's growing), which is her favorite thing. I totally identify with everything you said, Falling. Every day I worry about what will happen when she grows up and am afraid of the way things will change between us.

 

[Huckleman2000]

*sigh*
I hardly ever see my son any more, and I was his primary parent through middle school. He lives with his Mom, who's putting him through college and paying his cell phone bill and all that. She can, because I was willing to be there when he couldn't take care of himself. He's a good kid, and maybe it's better that he's around someone who's more successful during these years of his life. I don't understand how, really, but his mother seems to be better at being an adult than I am. Or at least better at putting in the time and reaping the rewards.

Last night, she called to tell me that they have a new roommate. A guy 12 years younger than her who she met in a cab in Las Vegas a few months ago. He's from Tunisia via Paris and other places, "gorgeous", like Omar Shariff with a ponytail. He just moved here and is living at her place while he gets established. My son is in Europe on a school program for a month, so he is also taking care of the dogs while she travels for her work. She did a background check on him, so she figures it's okay.

Someday, I think my son and I will be close again.

 

[simply_cyn]

Beautifully written ...

I couldn't have explained that sense of loss any better Falling and even though my daughter is about to start her last year in elementary school and I, too, have many years left to raise her, they seem to get shorter every day.

Her last year in elementary school ... another thing to check off as the "last" thing she will do. Right up there with her last baby laugh, her last time to fall while she was trying to learn to stand, her last baby tooth breaking through.

Le sigh ... I could go on and on but I don't want to focus on the parts that will make me cry. I'd rather hold on to the parts that I still get to look forward to ...

Her first time to break out ... her first time to try to sneak out of the house without me knowing ... her first date with a boy ... ARG!!!! Can I go back to lasts???

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Although I offer no words of wisdom and no validation, I want you to know that your opening post is simply beautiful

As a parent I try to create a relatively safe space for my daughter - where she can feel my love and be nurtured by it when she needs it. A space where I hope she will thrive and shape the beautiful child she is into an adult.

We never have the opportunity to hold them too close for fear of smothering them - they need to find their own balance and harmony. I think sometimes their growing up process is much harder for us than it is for them.

 

[rgraham666]

Wallow in it, Falling.

Those of us who will never know the joy of raising kids are soooo envious of you.

 

[Guest]

My oldest boy turned 7 yesterday. Actually, the day before yesterday, but I haven't been to bed yet.

For his birthday, I redid his room. New paint, new curtains, new decorations.. I just finished everything except taking out the dirty laundry piled on his bed and putting fresh linens on. I sat there on the floor after the last dinosaur and book was in place, and looked around. We finally retired the Beatrix Potter prints and accesories in favor of balsa wood skeletons and fake jungles, and there's a bible in his nightstand- his choice, not mine. There's an algebra book on his milk-crate bookshelf because the numbers fascinate him, and he keeps tryign to work his way through the equations. He's reading Choose Your Own Adventure books and asking me if I can help him find constellations with his telescope.

In the middle of it, I just started crying. That happens a lot lately, I just start crying for odd reasons- this time, it's because I feel like he's growing up too fast. I don't want to let him go yet. Everyone says, "Oh, well you still have 11 years of raising him.." Well, a few hours ago, it was 12. And just the blink of an eye before that it was 13. My sweet little baby, so tiny he fit in the crook of my arm and weighed nothing, is going into second grade. The little soft cuddly toddler with his chubby feet doesn't have time for cuddling anymore, he's busy reading about dinosaurs. My kindergartener with his head of blond curls has a buzz cut and a loose tooth now.

I'm losing my baby, one day, one minute, at a time, and I don't want to share him yet. You'll get him the whole of his adult life- he's only mine for now, and I'm selfish. I don't want to let go of my baby yet. I want to be his mommy for as long as he'll let me- and that grows less and less each day. I'm jealous of time. I just want everything to stop, and I want to go back. I want just one more day to hold my babies as newborns, one more day to watch them fumble through their first steps, I want to listen to them babble their first words again. They're all growing up too fast, learning too fast, turning into little men with such different personalities so quickly- and I want, greedily, more of their lives to treasure once they've gone.

Every day is precious, and I'm so proud of all they've accomplished, all they've seen and done and told me about, every little nuance in their budding personalities. Still, I'm sitting here in this empty house, and wishing I could have back some of the time I've lost. You never realize, until you've already slipped past it without noticing, how precious every second of their lives is, how little you can remember as they grow, and how desperately you want those moments back, just to re-fix them in your mind.

I want my babies to stay little, where I can keep them safe and happy, forever. A new color on his walls won't cheer my boy up when his first girlfriend breaks up with him, a band-aid and a kiss won't fix it when he has his first car accident. Cookies and a glass of milk won't ease his hunger when he starts questioning the whys of the world. Mommy can't fix the injustices of the world when he's fifteen, twenty, thirty. But for now- I'm Superman. I can leap tall buildings and stop runaway trains in his eyes, I can defeat Lex Luthor and hurl that meteor back out into space and save the world. For now, I can be his hero. I just want to be his hero forever.

We're there, too.

Actually, we're scattered to the ends in our immediate family. My sister is pregnant again, too uncomfortably close on the heels of her 9 month old son. My brother's daughter will be a senior in high school this year. Our kids are 7 and 11.

Every so often I feel panic feelings settling in:

Am I taking enough pictures? Documenting important events?
Will I remember them as they are now?
Am I saving what I'm supposed to be saving as the "proper" mom?
I don't have all their pictures and schoolwork organized into albums - yet. Does this mean I'm doing a cruddy job as a parent?
Are we providing for their needs?
Are they learning enough, socially, scholastically, emotionally?
Are they happy?

And then I try to shake it off and bitch slap some sense into myself. All we can do, all we can be is imperfect. No matter how much you do, you cannot document every single event, cannot pave their way smooth, cannot prevent those inevitable tumbles.

One of the proudest moments I had recently was when my daughter got knocked out in the second round of the spelling bee. She held her head high, walked off the stage, came to sit with us with a wry smile and a shrug.

That's how she reminded me (once again) that she was handling her life just fine.

Falling - you're a good mommy. You're having those feelings most parents do. Hang in there.

 

[Recidiva]

I remember holding my son the first few days he was home and thinking "He'll never be this small again, ever."

He's up to my shoulder now at eight, my daughter is seventeen and will be leaving the nest next year.

My sense of vertigo is constant, rather like walking a cliff edge. Leaving. I know I'll have to call forth the parts of me that went into hiding as a mother because I needed the room...but I prefer the empty space for now. Getting used to the idea.

 

[impressive]

Beautiful.

I feel these things, too -- but they're muted. I am more eager to give my children to the world; to watch them make their way (as I beam with pride). I want to bask as they challenge paradigms, soar as they overcome obstacles, rejoice as they build empires of hope and dreams and happiness.

I didn't have children for ME, but for YOU (collectively). I had children to share -- and I am impatient for the day when they'll be loosed on the world. *grin* (Watch out, world!)

 

[Boxlicker101]

Your first post was really beautiful, FF. Unfortunately, I don't have any offspring but I do have my wife's six children and their kids, whom I call my grandchildren. Judging from them, I don't think your son will ever break completely away. We are regularly in touch with all of them and are providing some financial support for five of them. We put the oldest granddaughter through college and are doing the same for the second oldest one, as well as helping the oldest grandson. This is not a complaint; we are glad for a chance to do so.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

moment to moment, it is a joy... and heartbreak... every minute...

isn't it all?