think?opinion?

[hyperhedonia]

She slowly disassembles their life together;
Methodic.
Assured, as she approaches with the calm rationality
She doles out to her science.
The results will validate prediction.
His heart unanticipated breaks,
Like the beaker to the floor.
Always, an accident.
He crawls, moaning, crying, whimpering, gathering pieces…
And she studies him, unable not to
…hating herself for it…
She slowly disassembles their life together;
Pragmatic.
Impervious to beguiling loss of reason,
Neither taking pleasure nor pain from the process.
And he falls, falls, falls, slowly,
Breaks.
Predicated fragility, revision to protocol.

 

[Liar]

Interresting, and generally good IMO. I like the contrast between the methodic, almost buerocratic language used for her actions and the emotional words used for his.

One question though, "...hating herself for it..." and "Neither taking pleasure nor pain from the process." doesn't quite match. If she is hating herself for it, that would be taking pain from the process, no?

Either way, I think you could be more consistent in the contrast between the two. If you take out the places where you straight out tell about the woman's feelings, and replace them with actions that migght hint at it instead, you might have a more focused poem.

Best o luck,
#L

 

[Tathagata]

I like the whole pretext of the poem
and the " slowly disassembles" line.


The problem with the language you use is that it runs the risk of being too dense, and may give the impression of being " for show", if you will.
If you can stick to the language but pare it down a bit it might help.
otherwise, to my mind anyway, you get lost in the words and not their meaning.

Again I love the idea of the poem alot.

just my opinion

 

[flyguy69]

I like the whole pretext of the poem
and the " slowly disassembles" line.


The problem with the language you use is that it runs the risk of being too dense, and may give the impression of being " for show", if you will.
If you can stick to the language but pare it down a bit it might help.
otherwise, to my mind anyway, you get lost in the words and not their meaning.

Again I love the idea of the poem alot.

just my opinion

Absolutely. This poem could be four lines long. And it would be a damn good poem; try it and see.

 

[Guest]