Things you wish you'd hear, but never will

[Mischka]

"You have demonstrated an unprecedented command of legal knowledge. Let's just dispense with formalities - there is no need to waste your time with that silly bar exam."

"Honey, your ass is looking a little small in those jeans. How about we head to Ben & Jerry's for dinner?"

"Surgeon General's Warning: Liver and brussel sprouts have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals."

"You look great! Have you been working out?" "Heavens no! But I did add an extra pecan pie to my breakfast. Really curbs those afternoon cravings."

"Try the great new trend in aerobic exercise! Sitting in front of a computer for at least four hours a day has been shown to burn 600 calories an hour!"

 

[Mischka]

OK, so maybe these are just things I want to hear...

 

[xlc67]

How about a call from the mortgage company, "You've been such a good customer and we value your business. We think you deserve a month without a payment."

Yea Right!!!

 

[Basia]

Random Political to his/her spouse:

Hun, I'm thinking of earning a honest living.

 

[xlc67]

So true!!

 

[Bubblegum *sugarless*]

"No...I refuse to let you touch me until I make you cum atleast twice orally."

"Mom, I love my sister. We are having so much fun playing together." (instead of the usual "Mom she hit me...took my toy...made a face at me")

"Yes M'am, the problem was totally our fault and we will be happy to fix your car/washer/dryer/ for free."

 

[Barb Dwyer]

Either "Here are the keys to your new Ferrari" or

"Congratulations, Barb. We've made a mistake and it turns out that you are the single winning ticket holder in last week's $300 million Powerball lottery. Here's your check!"

 

[Basia]

Bill Clinton:

Well... I guess you've got me. I did have sexual relations with that woman. Can I have my dog back now, Hillary?

 

[Starfish]

*sighs* *laughs* *sighs* LAUGHS HERSELF INTO TEARS*

This is all so painful, but funny.

"Hey honey, let's go to that giant, some odd mile, long Flea Market, that runs from DC to how knows where in Florida, down south this summer. While we're at it, lets then get a little bungalow on the beach and have a week of no stress."

It's over anyway. Maybe next year, but probably never.


*snaps out of pessimistic attitude*

I am going to the Botanical Gardens on Sunday. I really am blessed, and hope you can all forgive me when I get all pissy. I don't mean to be ungrateful.


Okay, here is a better one.

"Sorry Miss, but even though you have a tumor in your uterus, You won't be needing surgury. Now that a cure we've discovered has been approved, we can just dissolve the tumor with this new wonder drug. By the way, it has NO side effects. It acts by going in and reading all your cells DNA. If if finds a mutation in your DNA it devours the cell and it sends it through you as waste, and you eliminate it then. It also primes your other surrounding cells with health and vigorousness to keep them from ever mutating during meitosis. You'll be fine in a day and a half. Let my nurse give you the injection. Heres a little prick. Now you can go home dear."

 

[BlondGirl]

I'd like to hear a genuine "I love you" from someone who means it and does not look at me for a free ride. Oh well--at least I have the good paying job to give me some satisfaction--even if I will always be single!

 

[xlc67]

Starfish...I hope that's hypothetical...You know the tumor thing...

 

[luv2tvl69]

Okay there are alot....I hate to use someone elses, but this one from blondegirl actually would be first on my list:

I'd like to hear a genuine "I love you" from someone who means it and does not look at me for a free ride. Oh well--at least I have the good paying job to give me some satisfaction--even if I will always be single!

From the surgeon general: Chocolate has been proven to be the new health food of the century, cures whatever ails you.

Dont know who could authorize this one: All debts owed will be washedout as a new start to the new year. All credit cards and loan balances will revert to $0.

All STD's have been eliminated....FREE SEX FOR EVERYONE--no worries at all! (actually just the 1st part would even be great, but I am always thinking about sex

 

[Siren]

Ok here are some

 

[Basia]

"What? No, all your books and your tuition are absoutly free."

 

[MissTaken]

AS the divorce winds down ....

~Honey. You take the kids and the assets. Whatever you need for child support is fine. Let's just be friends and put the children first. ~

YA right! lol

Oh and....

~PSA. Do to the overwhelming budget surplus, there will be no income tax paid persons in the middle income brackets until the year 2012.~

 

[Ravenloft]

"No...I refuse to let you touch me until I make you cum atleast twice orally."

*Blinking*

You've been talking to the wrong guys...

I have never actually said it, but I think its implied when I get on my knees...

 

[Bubblegum *sugarless*]

*Blinking*

You've been talking to the wrong guys...

I have never actually said it, but I think its implied when I get on my knees...

*SWOON*

 

[Ravenloft]

*Catching Bubblegum as she swoons*

Mmm! Me looks to have caught nother hot sex babe...

Ook ook!

*Pounding chest enthusiastically*

Me knew tongue excersizing pay off one day.