Things We've Learned from Horror Movies

cloudy

Alabama Slammer
Joined
Mar 23, 2004
Posts
37,997
From Miss Cellania:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out, and you're wearing your skimpiest lingerie.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and leave NOW!!

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.

If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station desert towns or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.

Feel free to add your own. :)
 
If you're a cheerleader, make sure that any house you visit has a generator in case the power goes out.
 
If the guy who visits you has a manicure problem with 8" metal nails, don't invite him in.

If the person you're talking to wants to change into something else and then touch you, RUN.

Watch out for old gypsy men who want to touch your face with a finger. Instant weight loss.
 
Do not go on a field trip in the woods with nothing but a steady-cam, some beenie-weenies, a tent and two people you've never met whilst searching for the Blair Witch.
 
Beware of men who tell you in a very intelligent British accent that they "ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
 
All women in 60's and 70's horror films have big tits.

Vampires only suck the blood if good looking women so if you are butt ugly you're probably safe.
 
If you're alone at night on a deserted highway and your car breaks down, for fuck's sake, don't get out of the car and open the hood.
 
Last edited:
If a beautiful and intriguing young Asian woman comes at you with acupuncture needles and a very scary smile on her face, RUN!~!!!!!!!!!
 
If a ghost is attempting to contact you, do not hold a seance. If the ghost is serious, it will find you. Be polite. Screaming is not polite.

"Self fulfilling prophecy" is a mechanic you should learn and avoid.

Try to avoid occult obsessions if at all possible. See that fascinating artifact/book/painting? Admire it and walk away.

Do not appear to be entirely batshit crazy in front of authority figures. Very likely they will not come and help you in act two.
 
This particularly applies to England:

If stuck on the Moors, especially Dartmoor and certain parts of West Yorkshire, do not, under any circumstances, scream. There's nobody who can hear you and you'll just waste energy better used for running.

If you see a large Dog, stay in the Car!

Always carry a heavy torch with GOOD batteries and a spare lamp bulb.
A mobile phone might be of use, but don't put too much trust in it.
Handy to have in the car:
A big warm blanket
A thermos flash of hot tea or coffee.
A pair of well-fitting boots or tough shoes.
A stout stick or pole.
A decent knife (and the knowledge of its use).
A First Aid kit.

If anywhere else in the world, a Colt .45 or similar can be a real help in time of trouble (S&W Model 41?).
 
Do not be adorable, innocent or in love. This will either get you killed first or last in the most horrible way imaginable.

Do not believe in shamanism, voodoo, witchcraft or hoodoo. Don't NOT believe in them either. Just smile and look mysterious and nod. The spirit world hates a showoff.

Do not get that cool tribal tattoo that you didn't get properly translated from that creepy dude that is looking nervous and twitchy.
 
If one of your friends goes out alone and later screams bloody murder, it's too late for you to try and help. Take the rest of the group . . . and leave!
 
Well shit, some of these describe some of the best dates I had in High School.

Cat
 
Dont start opening doors to rooms youve never been in.

Dont go swimming alone.
 
Don't run upstairs in high heels. You will always die and the shoe always breaks half way up the stairs. Take the damn things off and run outside. At least you have a chance to live that way!
 
Let us not forget the key theme from the movie, 'King Kong.'

"Go completely ape over some chick and you only wind up getting yourself shot down."
 
If you know someone who dabbles in physics, don't go to his place and try out his new invention, it might give you a buzz
 
When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

if you are unfortunate enough to end up getting paired off, make sure the person you are paired with runs *slower* than you (if they just had casual/ pre-marital sex with someone, you get bonus points).
 
DON'T volunteer to stand guard at the crashed spaceship overnight.

If you find a peculiar looking egg in the woods, DO NOT take it home. Ditto for a tiny creature.

DO NOT stay in any old motels on lonely roads. Sleep in the car.

DO NOT horse around, party or fuck in cemeteries at night...especially if there's a full moon.

NEVER be the guy/gal who accompanies the hero/heroine exploring a haunted house, old mine shaft, cave, spooky forest or town filled with dead looking inhabitants.
 
You all forgot the big one. DON'T HAVE SEX! NOT EVER!

Also, if you're female, don't take off your shirt, especially if you're not wearing a bra. Don't get naked under any circumstances. Especially not to skinny dip, take a shower or a bath. Especially if it's someone else's shower or bath. Like at a hotel where you're the only guest.

http://blogs.chron.com/outtakes/psycho
 
Back
Top