There's nothing wrong with the world today.

[Shy Tall Guy]

FBI Vows to Address, Track, Record Concerns

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Seeking to quell fears it will abuse its newly acquired powers of surveillance, the FBI today promised it would not only respond to any concerns, but will follow complainants in the field to observe their concerns, and talk about those concerns with complainants' friends, relatives, acquaintances, business colleagues, and anyone else who may be familiar with the complainants' daily movements.

The bureau will also place special recording devices in complainants' homes, cars, and offices to keep track of their concerns.

"By very closely following their concerns, we will know, day and night, what these people are worried about, and perhaps even arrest their concerns before they materialize," said field agent Jeff Markoff as he sifted through a complainant's garbage to see if any concerns had been left there.

Phoned at her home for comment, American Civil Liberties Union director Laura Murphy was not available, said an FBI spokesman.

 

[MunchinMark]

So what they are saying is; " if you are concerned that we are watching you, we will come round, talk about it and install some surveilance equipment so we can see why you are concerned about us watching you."

OK, right.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

"Homeless" to Be Reclassified As "Mobile Internet Users"

Washington, D.C.. (SatireWire.com) — According to a new directive from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the estimated 750,000 Americans once considered "homeless" will be reclassified as "mobile Internet users" who choose to have no fixed address because today's improved mobile technologies allow them to live and work from almost anywhere.

"With the proliferation of hand-held devices and laptop computers, mobile Internet access means anyone can now work, shop, and surf via the Internet from almost any location, and to saddle one group of people with the antiquated label of 'homeless' when in fact they may simply be taking advantage of technological freedoms does them a great disservice," said HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson.

Advocacy groups such as the American Coalition for the Mobile Internet User, (formerly the American Coalition for the Homeless) blasted the directive for cutting off funding to MIU shelters and food programs, and pointed out that alleged MIUs don't have computers or PDAs or jobs, not to mention Internet accounts. Thompson, however, said individual MIUs wishing to protest the change should email his office.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Spain, Morocco Fight Over, Have Same IQ As, Rock

Bel Younech, Morocco (SatireWire.com) — Tensions between Spain and Morocco eased today as Morocco said it would not reoccupy a tiny outcropping of rock the two governments began fighting over last week in an apparent dispute over which side had the lower IQ.

Morocco struck the first blow, gaining full zeroes for its invasion of an uninhabited, 30-acre islet that sits less than 200 meters off its coast. However, Spain evened the score Wednesday, sending a large part of its navy to retake the island from six Moroccan soldiers and a goat.

At the end of regulation, international judges ruled the contest a draw, and the match has now gone into extra time, with Morocco pulling behind this morning after a team of its paratroopers attempted to drown a Spanish mackerel swimming just 30 meters off the coast. Spain initially disappointed the judges by simply rescuing the fish, but its eventual decision to stake its claim over the mackerel's sovereignty by sticking a Spanish flag in it has once again left the match deadlocked

 

[Duckman PD]

ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF

Star Fleet Strictly Forbids Meddling, But Christ, Just Look at the Place

In Stationary Orbit (SatireWire.com) — Disturbed by ruthless terrorist attacks and raging war, the crew of the starship Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's Prime Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for drinks in the forward observation lounge and watch the planet go to shit.

According to Enterprise Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, the crew is evenly split between Earth-born personnel who believe they have an obligation to quell the recent violence and bring lasting peace to their home world, and non-Earth-born personnel, who point out that Picard didn't lift a finger when Boral II self-destructed, so what's so special about this place?

"Hey, we let most of the Boralans die. We wouldn't help the Klingon's in their civil war. What's the big deal here?" said Guinan, the ship's lounge hostess and a native of El-Auria. "Besides, every time we do intervene, we leave the inhabitants more screwed up than they were before."

"How could we possibly make the people on this planet more screwed up?" countered Earth-born First Officer Will Riker. "They think golf is a sport!"

According to the Prime Directive, "the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, and no Star Fleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien life and culture." While officers are honor-bound to uphold it, Earth-born Ensign Wesley Crusher argued the Enterprise has broken the rules before.

"Gee, this could be just like Episode 141, where Data tries to save the life of that little girl whose planet is gonna blow up, or Episode 109, where Capt. Picard interfered to save my life because I broke one of the Edo's laws," said Crusher. "I mean, look, it's really cool to sit up here in our sexless spandex uniforms, downing Klavorian Synth-Ale and pretending we're not all running the Caligula program on the Holodeck, but the people of Earth are gearing up to, like, kill each other.

"I know we're not supposed to mess with the 'healthy development' of other cultures,' but this is not fuckin' healthy," he added.

"I disagree," answered Lt. Cmdr. Worf, a Klingon. "I am not of Earth, but some differences can only be solved through violence. Truly, I fail to understand why the humans from this planet's Western Hemisphere have not already attacked the humans from the Eastern Hemisphere. Or perhaps I have that backwards. This planet keeps spinning in an annoying way."

"Exactly, Mr. Worf," said Earth-born Capt. Picard. "It is ever-changing. East becomes West, West becomes East, right becomes wrong. We should be patient. After all, on whose behalf do we intercede?"

"God, you are so French," mumbled Riker.

"I say we... we attack them all!" said Worf. "This way there is no confusion."

"Dude, are you sure you're not from Earth?" asked Crusher.

At press time, Capt. Picard had yet to make a decision, but he is expected to rely heavily on ship's counselor Deanna Troi, a telepathic Betazoid who said the planet below was a roiling sea of emotions. "I sense great hostility, fear and sadness among the people," she announced. "But I also sense something else, something even stronger. It is... It is..."

"Love?" interrupted the android, Cmdr. Data.

"No, it is relief. There is widespread relief that there now may be no more Die Hard movies."

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