Therapist needed

[stockjokey]

is it commom for a couple, after being married for over 20 yrs, to drift apart sexually. Well its not only sexually, but in other areas as well, but the sex is a definite set back. It has never really been That exciting or passionate, but at least we had some. Now I've had to put it on the extinct list. Masturbation is the only release.

 

[Chicklet]

It seems to me like it'd be natural. It happened to my previous partner and I after only six years. I'd talk to your regular doctor about who he or she might suggest for therapy, since your doctor probably knows you rather well.

 

[stockjokey]

when to a marriage conselor for 4 wks. didn't help. too basic. didn't get to the meat of the problem so to speak.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Are you having trouble talking with each other about this? Then you might benefit from a therapist that specializes in sexual issues between married couples.

Otherwise, talk with your wife. Talk about your fantasies and things you'd like to try. Ask her about her fantasies. Call her up in the middle of the day and tell her you can't wait to ravish her when you get home. Take her out on dates where the two of you can relax and chat over dinner, look into her eyes and tell her how hot she is. Bring the passion and romance back!

 

[stockjokey]

Thanks that's good advice. Yeah we've always had trouble talking or rather she always had the trouble. In the begining we didn't really need the "talks".

As far as the fantasies, we might as well forget that. She's MORE involved with the psychological religious constraint of what is "proper". She definetely woul not want to partake of any sexual behavior that may seem aberrant. Furthemore, there's only about 2 days in the month when she feels good. the rest of the month are about gastrointestinal problems, Epstein-Bar, allergies, sleeping disorders and chronic fatigue. In fact, the "talks" are always related to health issues.

 

[Eilan]

Furthemore, there's only about 2 days in the month when she feels good. the rest of the month are about gastrointestinal problems, Epstein-Bar, allergies, sleeping disorders and chronic fatigue. In fact, the "talks" are always related to health issues.

I'm assuming that she's receiving medical care for these issues?

when to a marriage conselor for 4 wks. didn't help. too basic. didn't get to the meat of the problem so to speak.

I don't have any experience with counseling, but is four weeks really enough time to determine that it's not going to work? Just curious.

 

[SweetErika]

I second the idea of a counselor who specializes in couples and sex therapy. There are lots of referral sites out there:
http://www.find-a-therapist.com/
http://www.4therapy.com/locator/index.php
http://www.1-800-therapist.com/evaluate_therapist.htm
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ppc/prof_search.php?iorb=4764
Article on how to choose a sex therapist

If your wife's not open to working through therapy at any point, continue to go yourself because this is obviously very stressful, and the therapist should be able to help you work through any important decisions you may want to consider to improve your own life. There's no reason to live in misery.

 

[stockjokey]

Oooh, Yheeaa. She's been to all kinds of DR: Holistic, Specialist even contagious disease specialist all to no avail. i do understand that the meds she's on are very likely contributing to her non-existent libido.

I suppose that 4 wks Is too short, but after each time making a list of important issues Just didn't make for me. thanks for the input.

 

[Queen Of Hearts]

 

[Queen Of Hearts]

 

[INeedLove]

Have you told her how you feel without trying to change her behavior? or asking her for change?

Is your marriage in trouble? Have the two of you discussed it being in jeopardy?? Even though you have talked about health issues and how it relates to sex, she might not realize exactly how it is effecting you. It might be hard for her to see around her own issues. If your marriage is in trouble, both of you owe it to each other to discuss that fact. DON'T assume she understands that!! (Trust me-she may not realize it!!)

I agree with the other recommendations of seeing a therapist who focuses on sexual issues. Perhaps the therapist could explain he/she isn't trying to encourage aberrant behavior, just trying to help the two of you reconnect.

Lord knows, I am no expert on marriage-having had one failed. But, you seem to care about what is happening. That caring is half of the battle in saving your marriage and your feelings for her. Please don't give up!!

Best wishes!!!!!! Take care!!

 

[stockjokey]

WOW guys, thanks for your responses. It's my 1st time doing this. actually i had hoped for a few feedback, but this is awesome. I like to address each of the above comments to thank you for your input!

To SweetErika:

i'm not in misery, we get along on a lot of levels: reallly like an 6 pistons firing in a V-8, just would like One more piston to fire.

To Queen of Hearts:
Yea there was some Passion (70%) in the pre-marital yrs and into our 3rd yrs of marriage. Then her father died and it started going south.
And i'm with you about the Therapist. I really don't think it'll work for me.

 

[stockjokey]

i ask her once a yrs ago if she liked sex, she said she did, but her body movement is like anti-matter. i told her "certain" i like and certain thing i like to do. She responded in a pos. manner but the gain was minimal. The marriage is in trouble sexually. she might be thinking that since i'm sure i leave trail on the web of sex sites ect., Lastly i don't want to go to a therapist and share my fantasies in front of him.

 

[Quoll]

SJ, you have been given some good advice, there is not much more I could add. My only suggestion would be to read this thread Ways to shore up my marriage It may not be exactly your situation, but if I remember correctly there are some excellent suggestions anyway.
Good Luck.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Well SJ, there's only one other area I'm gonna touch on, because all the rest has been well spelled out here. You mentioned religious constraints. Though we don't usually venture into this avenue on this board, I will because I think I can speak intelligently about it. I totally understand this, being Catholic. If she's been brought up in a totally repressive environment sexually. she going to be self conscious whenever she starts to give in to her passion, because she probably doesn't make any differentiation between passionate love and the sin of lust.

Even though the Catholic church says that the primary purpose of intercourse is conception, it also recognizes that sexual contact between a married couple is essential to a full and happy marriage. So what I've asked a number of times in numerous religious discussions is if it's an act committed between two partner sin a monogamous marriage, how can it be wrong? The only answers were acts that remove any chance of conception and actions that involve a partner outside the marriage.

Now I'm not going to debate these points because I don't necessarily agree, and that's not why I bring it up. I bring it up because you said she wouldn't do anything abherrant. Perhaps you can get around this psychological problem by showing her that any act committed in passion is between two married people is not abherrant, it is totally natural according to christian teachings.

While this probably isn't the root cause, you wouldn't have mentioned it if it weren't at least partially an issue. I guess I figured i'd just throw this out there since it's something I feel comfortable discussing. I've had this conversation a time or two myself with some other more, ummm, conservative friends.

 

[stockjokey]

Thank You very much for that insight. That Is goood. At least one of the possible problem would be eliminated. Should that be the root cause of the problem it might also alleviate some of her other symptons. Perhaps they're psychosomatic

Since i would not be the one to try to educate her on christian teaching, i should find someone in the clergy who also is a competent psychologist. Great ideas.

there's something weird talking about oral sex to a priest and not being in the confessional booth.

 

[mcopado]

The problem may not be sexual, but some underlying problem in the relationship. I would suggest the two of you seek out an IMAGO certified relationship counselor. Imago is a communication based couples tool that the threapist will teach you...And as you work it, you begin to uncover and heal any underlying issues between the two of you...If it is purely sexual, which you may find out after a few sessons if Imago, there are some excellent clinical sexual therapists out there...

If you have any questions or need help finding an Imago therapist or a sex therapist in the US, pm me and I'll help in anyway I can.

 

[EsteemBuilder]

A different direction to try

Too bad about your situation, I hope there's a solution amongst all of our advice that works. And I think it's great you're asking for help before it becomes a critical problem.

I acknowledge that if your partner doesn't feel well and has almost-constant health problems or feel uncomfortable most of the time that this can really reduce her libido. A person needs to feel comfortable & good most times to enjoy making love (kinky sex is a totally different topic that doesn't apply here). Also, if she's not feeling good then she probably doesn't feel sexy, meaning that she feels like she doesn't have what you're looking for to view her as being sexy. So...others in here have talked about other excellent aspects...so I'll focus on that one point since there are things you can do that may help you both.

You mentioned she has trouble talking about sex and intimate things. So...don't talk about it. Instead, WRITE about it. Do this by sitting down much like you are right now at your computer and writing her something about how much you love her and are happy that you're so much a part of each other's lives. Write her that you still find her attractive and still fantasize about her and want to make love with her. Write to her that you fully understand and appreciate how hard her health conditions must be on her peace of mind and assure her that they don't diminish your interest in her at all. And most of all write her things that are totally person & private between you & her...genuine, heartfelt or logical reasons why she is the only woman you'd love to take to your shared bed and stroke every inch of her body before making love.

Now the next step is very important. Before you tell her that you've written all of this for her, you should make sure that you've got something to do elsewhere for the day so that she'll have the house to herself for at least a couple of hours. Then you make sure to tell her before you leave that you've written her something on the computer that you'd like her to read and that if she feels like writing a reply on the computer to you then she can go right ahead and you'll read it when you get back. Make sure to tell her when you'll be back so she doesn't keep glancing at the door and thinking you'll walk in before she's finished...that way she can relax and it will flow naturally.

I think you'll be amazed at the results. People will type out things that they'd never have the courage to say out loud, or sometimes writing something will help them realize themselves just what they think & feel...either way it will help you both. And the sincere things you say to her will have an immense impact on her...she'll confess to you later that she never knew you felt that way or that deeply about her. She will find herself re-reading parts of what you wrote. Even if she doesn't type anything to reply, the seed will be sown that will help you both to reconnect which is even more significant than simply spicing things up or rekindling. Those things come later, the first step has to be reconnecting in this case.

Even if you don't follow a word of this advice, I hope that it at least sparks some ideas of your own now that you've thought about things from a different angle.

 

[funwdi]

Healthy

With all of the health problems, your wife may have many psych problems that she needs to deal with at her own individual therapy. Low self esteem, low sex drive...depression. Think about the root of the original problem first, not just the symptoms or results.

I wish you so much luck! All you can do is support her and see her through this time. Your rewards will be your wife back in many ways.

 

[incubus'_sub]

You know, I always wonder about these sad posts. There seems to be so much marital dissatisfaction and it seems that the advice is always about how to "save" the marriage. I have to ask, why? What is it about marriage that makes it so sacred to people when it is obviously an unhappy situation, usually for both partners.

OK, you've made vows, but you have to remember that you are not the same people who made them, being older & hopefully wiser now. Is it really the purpose of life to be miserably bound forever when you have grown apart in your needs & desires? We fall in love, we marry, we raise our children in as secure a manner as we can, but what on earth is the point of staying together after that if the relationship is unhappy?

This woman has changed the rules and is probably quite happy with the way she has organised her life with regard to her health & her religion. Why shouldn't she be - it's all going her way & to hell with her husband. Don't his needs count at all?

What's wrong with saying to him (well, I'm going to now), sit her down & ask her to listen, as you have listened to all her excuses & reasons over the years. Tell her that the marriage, as it is now, is not what you signed on for and unless there's a good bit of give & take from now on, that you will leave. There's no need to try to find that miracle therapist who will make it ok, you do it yourself.

You have to be honest. You have to know what is missing from your life & be able to express it to her. You have to make it sink in. You can't dilly dally around the point either. Be direct.

A marriage takes 2 people, both wanting to make the other happy and to enjoy life together. There will always be ups & downs along the way, but if it is worth keeping then both parties have to take part and contribute to it. Marriage is not supposed to be a test of male tolerance as it seems to be in this case & quite a few others written recently.

 

[stockjokey]

Most Excellent suggestions, I'll definitely tried it out. That's trully an awesome idea. Wish i could hug u so instead i'll send a

 

[stockjokey]

Ooooops this last reply was intended or ""EsteemBuilder" although the reply from "incubus'_sub" i have thought about, in all honesty. Why do we enter into a contract not knowing the ramafications of it, but it's hard to walk away without thinking that I've contributed to this situations by some unconscious positive reinforcemnt.

 

[Bandit58]

Disregarding the health issues for the moment - you both are different people now than you were when you got married. Sometimes people grow together, sometimes the opposite happens and they grow apart.

I was married for almost 24 years. It was ok in the beginning, we had two children and ran a business together. But once the kids got older I realised we were essentially living separate lives. The sex wasn't much, we were each other's firsts and he never seemed interested in pleasing me, only himself. Our son had been away at university for a year and I had been thinking in a few short years our daughter would be gone and I'd be living with someone I had absolutely nothing in common with.

One putdown too many later and that was it I left and I've never been happier. I came to realise that he'd been treating me like crap for years. It's been almost 4 years and I've found someone who really loves me and I him. We have a great relationship and yes he does have health troubles but we work around those and we are close and intimate together in bed and out.

It is hard to let go of something that has run its course, but for your own sanity I urge you to think about whether it is worth staying in a place you are unhappy with.......

 

[Winemaster]

interesting....

this may sound different....Read Lit stories to each other. See talking about what you liked or disliked in the stories may stem up issues you both are dealing with. You can say, "I liked...." or "I dislike the part when..."
Good luck!