Rooster
Morally Compromised
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 3,098
The Yankee Guide to the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.
23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.
24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.
25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"
26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.
27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.
28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.
29. Learn to play softball.
30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.
31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.
32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.
33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.
23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.
24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.
25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"
26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.
27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.
28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.
29. Learn to play softball.
30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.
31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.
32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.
33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.
You'll still have to find a way to make it up to me, though...
). But maybe that was just the town I was in...
