The Widow

[Sergentmajor]

I hadn"t known Sarah long, certainly it was under a year. Her late husband, Gerry had been a fishing pal, a city acquaintance and a close friend of a mutual friend of mine. All I knew of him was that he always picked up the cheque when ever a group of us ate out in restaurants, he had a tremendous sense of humour and he was someone who had that ability to really listen, I mean really listen if someone had a problem or something to say. So it was a big blow to everyone when he died, just like that, as suddenly as the flame that magnesium produces when it is exposed to oxygen. As I say I didn"t know him well but even I felt the weight of his absence at our social gatherings, like the feeling of morning after sadness experienced after a really good party.

So as you can imagine not only was his funeral a sombre affair it was also very well attended. I kept a low profile, nodding at Sarah with absolute deference only when our eyes darted across the assembled mourners by accident.

 

[Sensual]

I glanced around the funeral at all the faces watching me, waiting for some response. I dropped my head and looked at the ground ashamed of myself, not being able to cry at my own husbands funeral. These people had all been a part of my life with Gerry for years now, some friends, some family, but all important to me.

I remained silent and thoughtful well other well wishers made thier way past me. Then I glanced up and I made another quick scan of the people around me, almost half expecting Gerry to be looking back at me. My eyes came into contact with a social acquintance of ours. He nodded and then moved on. I watched as he walked away from the group swelling around me. I thought it was odd that he made no attempt to talk with me, but then again I felt like I was already being dragged into many different directions so I was almost grateful.

He climbed into his car and closed the door. Then he just sat there. I watched him not moving for a few minutes before I heard the engine roar to life. He glanced back over at me as he pulled the car away from the curb and gave a faint smile. I nodded and then watched as he drove away.

 

[Sergentmajor]

I was thinking how confused Sarah looked, I mean she had people with her but they weren"t really "with" her. I wish there was something I could"ve said or done, but it was just too deep for words and it would"ve been inappropriate for me to have done so. So it was with reluctance that I got into the car and left the mourners behind me.

It had started to rain, the green fields sort of running in the mirror like a child"s painting that has got wet. The slate grey sky somehow brightening like electrified steel. She was a very pretty woman Sarah. Not in the conventional sense, not cat-walk and thin, but voluptuous and curved as a woman should be: stood there in the rain as she now must be, with every part of her alive, but sort of wounded, brought to the quick of herself, in the memories of Gerry and the desperate hole he was leaving behind.

That night I was preparing some vegetables for a stir fry and in the middle of cutting the heads off of the carrots I had an urge to call her. I hung onto it for a while, fantasising, but as the oil began to sizzle in the wok I dismissed it, felt for her and her grief, knew I was being cheap and put it out of my mind. Later with wine warm in my belly I brought the pictures together again, and I began to convince myself that calling her would not hurt her or me. So with the faintest slur hovering at the edge of my voice I typed the number and listened to it ring.

The phone was answered by a woman"s voice and behind it I could here far off laughter and other voices. It was her sister Beth. I explained who I was and soon Sarah came on the phone : "Hi Sarah" I said. "Hi" she said " My name"s Mark - a friend of , well more acquaintance of Gerry"s - um -I wanted to give you a call to pass on my deepest consolation really - I didn"t have a chance to talk to you today - um - I would have liked to have spoken with you,it
uh ..." I trailed off. "He was a really quality individual - and its a desperate loss - I just wanted to wish you a bit of strength" She had been silent and then she said : "Thankyou - that"s very thoughtful of you" and there was another silence and I got out by saying : "Take care and I wish you better luck" and the receiver was down.

Two weeks later I was buying broccoli from the market and there she was next to me looking through CDs on a adjacent table.

 

[Sensual]

I hung up the phone with Mark and sat down in a nearby chair. Well wishers were strewn all about my house and I just wanted to be alone. I lifted my legs up in slid them under my bottom leaning back in the chair.

I tried to think of some of the dinners Mark had participated in with us. He was a generous man I remembered, always the peace keeper when one or two of us had maybe had a drink to many. I could see him laughing alot and I smiled to myself, he had an infectous laugh, one that made you laugh with him just to be a part of his joy.

My thoughts drifted to Gerry unconsciously. He had a huge heart and was always the first to laugh at someone's jokes. Over the years since we had met we had fallen in love and weathered many a rough time together. He had become my very best friend and I was going to miss him terribly.

"Sara, are you coming back to the living room? People are starting to leave now but they are waiting for you to say goodbye..." I looked up at Beth as I got to my feet. It was nice for Mark to have called I thought to myself.

Over the next few days I found that when I wasn't mauling over my past with Gerry I couldn't help but let Mark drift into my thoughts. So it was a surprise when I turned around from a rack of cd's at the market and I was face to face with him.

 

[Sergentmajor]

"Sara!" I said only vaguely disguising my joy at seeing her so unplanned. "What a coincidence - how are you ?" She was smiling brightly full of sunshine, "I"m fine - I"m fine, how are you doing?"- "I"m doing good" I replied. "And - um - how"s it all going, all the boring stuff, you know ?" She was still smiling her mouth, a beautiful bow. "I"m moving" she said. "Really!" I responded feeling the shock rising from my chest to my throat - "Where are you going I hope its not far ?" - "Oh no, couldn"t leave all my friends, it"s just down the road, smaller place, easier to get a hold of, you know, - I"m having a get together, why don"t you come along ? if you"re free - besides" she said finishing a different strand of the conversation - "all my friends think that I"m trying to move on too soon and you can tell them I"m thoroughly miserable still, and everybody will be happy, how about that?" - I laughed at her sarcasm, her gutsy self-deprecating humour and said : "I"d love to, I"ll sort of come along as your official sadness quality control man, scouring the house for any sign of fun I can log before I wipe it out" and now Sara laughed and her eyes sparkled and she touched my arm briefly to steady herself : "We"ll have to get you one of those blue boiler suits with fun control written on the back"

About a month or so later as I walked up the path towards the house, warm yellow light emanating from the front window where the curtains were drawn dappled the driveway. I clutched a bottle of champagne to my chest. I had dithered like an old woman about the motive behind bringing champagne, but Sara"s point I think had been about not being morose for being morose"s sake and I fancied she"d be delighted I was getting into what was "party spirit" after all. She looked beautiful as she opened the door, like some kind of genie, her blonde hair tied up, with just little wispy curls escaping intentionally from the main cluster and tickling her neck, just above a diamond choker, which even if it was fake, was stunning nevertheless. The noise and the smell of alcohol mixed with perfume hit me in the face and filled my nose and brain and I felt momentarily excited by the assault on my senses. I handed Sara the champagne, told her she looked like a genie, which she thought amusing because it was one of those observations which at first seems odd but not before long develops a ring of truth about it, and moved into the throng.

The night swung with music and introductions. A young girl called Giselle - was telling me about some promotion she was doing for some club and I was getting bored. Sara and I had hardly spoken, although I was acutely aware of her absence every time she stepped out of the room. Suddenly someone must have spilt red wine on the new carpet and there was a commotion as people ran around looking for cloths. I volunteered to get some soapy water and made my way to the kitchen where Sara and her sister were scooping large portions of trifle into dishes. "I"m sorry to say that we have a spillage and it"s red - but it"ll be ok if we get it early" - "Oh dear" Sara said and looked me straight in the eye "Oh well" she said coming to terms with her scarred carpet, "it"s a party isn"t it" and then thought for a moment "I expect vomit by midnight or I won"t be satisfied" ... Her face was so mock serious and matron like that I couldn"t help myself but laugh and I said "What else ?..." just under my breath as if searching for the answer and when neither of us would volunteer we both laughed. She handed me the bucket and I took it back into the living room.

 

[Sensual]

I watched as Mark walked out of the room. His body attracted my attention as my eyes took in the sight of his long lean torso tapering down to a small waist. Beth nudged me before I could explore futher.

As I turned back to the sink my mind began comparing the similarities between Gerry and Mark. Both were kind men, both were attractive men, and both of them had the ability to make me smile when I least thought it was possible. Only now the memory of Gerry was making it hard to smile on most days. He had done those things for me on a daily basis and I missed that.

I finished what I was doing and made my way back into the living room. Mark instantly came into view. I offhandedly kept up with the conversations going on all around me but I kept most of my attention focused on him. I noticed he was never without company, usually of the female presuasion. Why would he be? I asked myself. He was sexy, young, and an all around good guy, any woman would be lucky to hold his attention.

At that moment he raised his head and looked directly at me. I blushed at being caught staring at him and I turned my attention back to the person talking to me. After a few moments passed I glanced back in his direction to find him still looking over at me. A slow smile crept across his face and I couldn't help but grin back in his direction.

 

[Sergentmajor]

After I cleaned up the wine stain I felt strangely more confident about the party and where I was. Seems a domestic chore kind of put the party in perspective.

I was chatting to a petite girl called Lauren who didn"t get my jokes and kept thrusting her chest out at me in a futile mating ritual. I was wondering how to get out of her grip when I was conscious of Sara looking at me from the other side of the room. Naturally I returned the gaze and perhaps held it too long as her face involuntarily blossomed into a delicious smile. Despite her smile being innocent, the fact that it came from embarassment, made my heart beat that little bit faster as I became accustomed to the devilishly exciting realization that I would fuck her...

I wanted to whisper to her - you know - "Do you fancy taking me on a tour of the house - or the garden or anywhere ?", just so as I could hold her really close and smell the perfume in her hair and cup her breasts in my hands and gently ever so gently like I was unwrapping a Ming vase turn her trembling scarcely resisting body around
and - but I knew, neither was it the right moment nor the appropriate one.

 

[Sensual]

My eyes never strayed far from where Mark seemed to be. If he walked from the room I found myself watching the door awaiting his return. Even as I was keeping track of his movements I had to ask myself why? It had barely been a few weeks since Gerry had passed away. What was it about this man in particular the drew my attention? The answers eluded me.

After a short while I seen Mark open the hall closet and reach in for his coat. I felt my legs propelling me across the room to where he stood. He glanced up at me as he slid his arms into the sleaves of his jacket pulling it up onto his shoulders. "I was just going to come find you......"he said when I was a few feet away.

"Your not leaving are you?" I asked smiling. "Did I forget to mention of you were on clean up duty tonight?" I made it seem like a joke but part of me was asking him to stay behind when the others left and he must have realized it as well. I felt nervous tension rolling inside of me while I waited for him to respond.

 

[Sergentmajor]

As the guests started to leave I knew, however foolishly that I had made up my mind to stay. I didn"t want to embarass Beth but as luck would have it, she was catching a ride. As the door shut, I wandered, cognac in hand back to the living room. The lights had been dimmed. I sat in a comfy chair and played the possibilities through my head. Then Sara came in the room. She seemed very nervous and I prepared myself for the chance that I would kiss her goodnight and apologise for outstaying my welcome and leave in the next ten minutes. But the atmosphere was definitely starting to electrify and it seemed beyond either of our control.

 

[Sensual]

I knew Mark was sitting in the living room waiting for me but I couldn't force myself to push away from the counter. I finished up the last batch of dishes and looked for another reason to keep me safely tucked away and busy in the kitchen.

What was I doing? I wondered. I had asked him to stay behind and now I was leaving him to sit all alone. I walked into the living room to where he was sitting sipping his drink. As he looked up at me and our eyes made contact a nervous tension filled the room.

I began to fidgit around cleaning up little things while making small talk with him. Finally I sat down on the couch right across from him and looked at him directly. I had no idea what would happen next.

 

[Sergentmajor]

Sara was obviously nervous. She darted about the room and picked things up that seemed to me inconsequential. We made small talk but under our voices was a weight of feeling which almost seemed to turn the words into something other than meaning : Music perhaps, which I knew would soon move inexorably towards silence. She sat on the sofa opposite me and we looked each other in the eyes. No words were spoken for what seemed like an era. Then I said : "Have you got a garden ?" - "Yes - why ?" she said a little defensively. "I just fancy a little fresh air". "Are you alright?" she said automatically. "Yeah yeah I"m just a bit drunk, I"ll need a hand getting up" I said as an afterthought. "Oh God really" she said a little dismayed. "No not really" I said laughing and jumped up and then "I am a little". "Charming" she said getting into the humour of it all.

But under the banter the nagging ache between us was growing.

As we reached the back door of the little house and Sara switched on the light that flooded the garden, she paused - still. I stood close behind her. She was offering me a chance, but it was not quite right I couldn"t take it now.

We went into the garden, now bathed in light. The breeze was warmish with an edge of chill, the grassy turf springy under foot. I kind of tested it with my foot. "It"s very bouncy" I said. "Is it ?" she said mimicking me. The radiance of her smile and the way her hair fell sort of posessed me for a moment. "I hope you don"t mind me saying - you look beautiful - out here" "Not in there then" she wittily reposted but diffused it with her own blush. Our eyes locked and I felt suddenly so protective of her. We had moved close without knowing it. The look between us was agonising and again I was pinned, squirming momentarily, wanting to kiss her. I knew Sara could, but she wanted me to.

"Is that horses ?" I said and we both skipped to the fence, overlooking a neighbour"s land where two small ponies grazed. "Sure is" she said "aren"t they beautiful ?" As she said it she turned to face me, like some Wuthering Heights girl framed in wilderness. I bent towards her and kissed her on the lips and drew her gorgeous sexually blazing body towards me. My cock in my pants hard as oak.