The way of the Dom/me

[Haku_Z]

Random thoughts...

So we're a different sort... governed by a mindset to which none other than our enigmatic selves can truly understand, though it is our ultimate quest to seek out and share the labyrinth of our thoughts and desires with others - or perhaps that special someone (or more if you have them).

No two are truly alike, though cookie cutter versions seem to spring up, preaching to the few who would hear them about their path to domination - mimicking styles read from a book or perused from a website... allowing a snag here and there from some needing individual, desiring to be taken control of. Is there a right way to Dom? We all know the answer is, NO. From the iron fist, to the cotton heart, as long as we have those precious ones that look up to us for our guidance - with a patient mind, resting in our lap - we have done what we set out to do, to Dom.

For in this, we are truly nothing without those who consider themselves our subs/slaves. As every person needs air to breathe, we as Dominants owe our existance to the very ones that make up our other half, our submissives. For what are we without them? And vice versa.

The dreaded day then comes, when our hearts that had been made whole - as if the pieces of the puzzle to who we truly are were now complete - our love, our life, our existance... is gone. As Doms we are expected to shrug it off and except it, to show no sign of waivering... but our humanity tends to get the better of us. Do we chase? Or is chasing something a Dom does not do? Do we let the heart grow fonder through absence? Time can do as much damage as it can repair. Or do we talk, as people in love should do, to work things out - knowing that we are the best for each other.

Chronicles of the once whole, Dom.

 

[Marquis]

Welcome to the boards.

I edited your post because you broke an important rule, probably unintentionally. No disrespect is intended.

I agreed with much of what you said, but couldn't disagree more with this.

For in this, we are truly nothing without those who consider themselves our subs/slaves. As every person needs air to breathe, we as Dominants owe our existance to the very ones that make up our other half, our submissives. For what are we without them? And vice versa.

I think one of the very keys of understanding D/s is in realizing how untrue that statement is. You can be a Dominant without a submissive. A General is still a General should his entire army die in battle. He is a General not by the number of men he controls, but by the authority that his dignity and his honor wields. This is why Grant will never receive the respect afforded to Lee.

 

[DVS]

Welcome to the boards.

I edited your post because you broke an important rule, probably unintentionally. No disrespect is intended.

I agreed with much of what you said, but couldn't disagree more with this.




I think one of the very keys of understanding D/s is in realizing how untrue that statement is. You can be a Dominant without a submissive. A General is still a General should his entire army die in battle. He is a General not by the number of men he controls, but by the authority that his dignity and his honor wields. This is why Grant will never receive the respect afforded to Lee.

I agree with Marquis, mostly, and that is sometimes scary. I'm still a Dom, no matter if I have a sub or not. I've had a sub at one time or another and so my Dominess doesn't depreciate without one.

I can see, however, that there are couples who will be totally in love and will totally share everything between them, and feel like two peas in a pod, to use a phrase. So, someone who feels he has been enlightened by a new experience...something he has only experienced with this new sub...something they have only shared together, experienced together...they must feel they are closer than others who haven't felt this way.

Is that true? How the hell do I know? I just think some will feel they are only whole after they feel they have finally met "THE one" for them.

But, in my life, I've been a General of my little army of one for a long time, now. My troups didn't die off, they just left, one by one. And, with no new recruits, I become this way. So, I'm a General of one, generally speaking.

Ah, but some day, I'll have another army of subs. That's the general idea, anyway.

 

[Marquis]

Ah, but some day, I'll have another army of subs. That's the general idea, anyway.

I keep telling you to get on Collarme. There is a neverending army of subs who don't believe they're whole unless they have a Dom to manipulate.

 

[graceanne]

I keep telling you to get on Collarme. There is a neverending army of subs who don't believe they're whole unless they have a Dom to manipulate.

He is (or was) on Collarme. He didn't have the same luck as you. I figure it's the sub's loss.

 

[Haku_Z]

cheers

 

[Haku_Z]

what about a king without a kingdom? I agree that a Dom can be a dominant still - but I was more speaking about dominating when there is no one to dominate over... ultimately we'd be a person with the mindset of a Dom.

 

[Killishandra]

How shocking! This begs the questions...

How did you find Lit? Google "killishandra" perhaps?

Why didn't you tell me (when I spoke to you an hour or two ago) that you were posting here? Wouldn't that have been the courteous thing to do, or is that just my own mode of thinking? Certainly you have a right to free speech and to post on Lit.

And shall I call you and ask why you didn't mention this to me even after the fact, or shall I just make my little post here and then go to bed like I was planning?

Hmm. Interesting.

 

[Killishandra]

Mahalo, Marquis, for the swifty edit.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I tend to agree with the statement about a Dom being nothing without their sub/slave.....not in the sense they are no longer a Dominant, or don't have a life, but more so in the sense which exists the same for most subs/slaves in that without the dynamic of living D/s there seems to be an empty void begging to be filled and fed by the very thing that raises everyday living above the mundane and into the realms of sublime.

Catalina

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Dom/me 101 Preschool Philosophy

A Dom is a Dom or Domme because they were molded that way like an ice cube. Cubes do serve a purpose but if left in the freezer they remain ice cubes do they not? Should the cube be allowed to melt it would be just a puddle of water thought so take care and use those Dom/dommes before they melt.

 

[Marquis]

I tend to agree with the statement about a Dom being nothing without their sub/slave.....not in the sense they are no longer a Dominant, or don't have a life, but more so in the sense which exists the same for most subs/slaves in that without the dynamic of living D/s there seems to be an empty void begging to be filled and fed by the very thing that raises everyday living above the mundane and into the realms of sublime.

Catalina

As Marley put it, there is truly nothing better in life but to love and be loved.

You are right about a partner's ability to take you into the sublime, but I have always held that if you need that partner more than you want him/her, you are doing the relationship no justice. I was in a highly codependent relationship at one point, after my mother died and I had little family to call my own. She had severe social anxieties and I was essentially her only friend. Long after the healthy aspects of our relationship faded, we held onto each other because we needed the other person, begrudgingly. We dishonored the sanctity of the relationship we held before that, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we could have moved on with dignity earlier.

It is my observation that people who seek out D/s relationships are particularly prone to being relationship needy. They don't feel complete unless they have a partner, and they make insane compromises to get the feeling of being owned, or owning another. These compromises are always short lived however, because a decision made in desperation is only good for the moment.

Any issues, and I think dependency issues in particular, are a debt you bring with you into your relationships. A debt that your partner has to fulfill. People with deeply rooted emotional needs will not go without, and if serendipity denies them the luck (if you want to call it that) of meeting someone with interlocking needs, then they will find alternative, often destructive ways of meeting those needs.

I am reminded of a married woman I had a brief affair with. She would talk about how much she loved her new husband, but he couldn't fulfill her need for sex and romance. I'm thinking to myself "then why is she married?" She either married someone who couldn't make her happy, or is too unhappy with herself to be married. Is there a difference?

You show me a happy, healthy couple; and I'll show you two happy, healthy people.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As Marley put it, there is truly nothing better in life but to love and be loved.

You are right about a partner's ability to take you into the sublime, but I have always held that if you need that partner more than you want him/her, you are doing the relationship no justice. I was in a highly codependent relationship at one point, after my mother died and I had little family to call my own. She had severe social anxieties and I was essentially her only friend. Long after the healthy aspects of our relationship faded, we held onto each other because we needed the other person, begrudgingly. We dishonored the sanctity of the relationship we held before that, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we could have moved on with dignity earlier.

It is my observation that people who seek out D/s relationships are particularly prone to being relationship needy. They don't feel complete unless they have a partner, and they make insane compromises to get the feeling of being owned, or owning another. These compromises are always short lived however, because a decision made in desperation is only good for the moment.

Any issues, and I think dependency issues in particular, are a debt you bring with you into your relationships. A debt that your partner has to fulfill. People with deeply rooted emotional needs will not go without, and if serendipity denies them the luck (if you want to call it that) of meeting someone with interlocking needs, then they will find alternative, often destructive ways of meeting those needs.

I am reminded of a married woman I had a brief affair with. She would talk about how much she loved her new husband, but he couldn't fulfill her need for sex and romance. I'm thinking to myself "then why is she married?" She either married someone who couldn't make her happy, or is too unhappy with herself to be married. Is there a difference?

You show me a happy, healthy couple; and I'll show you two happy, healthy people.

You are thinking of it from a different angle than I, and perhaps that is partly because of the place you are in at this point in your life, and the paucity of years you have to reflect on as an adult dealing with adult situations. Sheesh, I went out to find a D/s relationship not because I was co-dependent in nature and needed another to prop me up, but because I knew after living a full and difficult life what worked for me and what didn't, and chasing the vanilla partner dreaming of conversion was more co-dependent and self doubting IMHO than someone who knew what they needed and had the guts to go get it. I really fail to see the interest or need to go and try and convert vanilla's into what I find waorks for me....if they find it for themselves, great, but I don't find it necessary or very open minded of me to feel it my duty to go show them another way they might or moght not have any interest for. Isn't that in a way going for someone you feel will become dependent on you because in your subconscious or conscious you are the one who leads them into the unknown scary depths, you who has to appear the more experienced, the wiser and more enlightened perhaps?

I figure if I could survive alone while raising 2 children single handed (No monetary assistance from the father or any weekend visits so I could perhaps have some time for just me) for 16 years, go back to highschool in my mid 30's (and with teenagers n regular school and uniform, not some adult styled easier programme), go onto university on full credits as opposed to special allowances due to circumstances, then build a reputation of high standing in my chosen career, and turn down some fairly good marriage offers during that time, that I am far from co-dependent.

As to the partner taking you to the sublime, I only regret not everyone can experience what it means....it is not something based solely on lust, nor is it something which is suffocating or demanding, it just is something which is so rare and special that when you get to be a grannie and finally find that magical someone you never expected to, you cherish the opportunity you have been given and realise just how blessed you are. We have both gone through some fairly horrific things in our lives and survived alone, and we have also gone through some trying times together and survived those, and as much as we do not want to be without the other we are aware we can survive if the unexpected and tragic would happen, just not survive in the way we want. Suffering and proving you can be solo really holds little glory or charm when you have already done it for a significant part of your adult life, and learned there is no shame in love and being loved.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

Unless I am the one misreading, I think you completely misunderstood me.

 

[Marquis]

I gotta add: I love the "I am older than you, shut up and listen, boy" argument.

One could be arguing about something as a priori as geometry and the older party will be sure to remind me of my "paucity of years."

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are misreading....but I can't reverse my life experience and where it has brought me to at this point in my life, and won't apologise for it or not being young anymore. I actually found I learned a lot from my elders from a very early age, but also realised I had to find my own way in life, had to experience it for myself, it just seemed natural.....but the mood I am in I really am out of this thread.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Rats, I was hoping this would be kind of like "The Tao of Pooh" or more precisely "The Tao of Dominants".

Ah well. moving along then.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For Marquis...most considerate, understanding and caring co-mod. now I better really run before he burns my arse for casting shadows on his sadistic persona which should never be doubted!!


Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

I've been through the "she's the only person in the world who understands me" thing. I got over it, more or less; but it took years and was very painful. Sometimes people fit like puzzle pieces. Losing that can feel like dying.

 

[Netzach]

I can't get my head around this "owe my existence" thing, sorry. M doesn't owe his to me nor me to him. If I get killed by random sky debris or falling coconuts tomorrow M is still going to be submissive in orientation, why not vice versa?

I don't really feel a sense of awe and wonder at my orientation, though. Maybe it's because I grew into mine over time, I don't relate to the "natural alpha, bullied everyone around on the playground" kind of thing.

 

[bullaford]

I know that I do not post a lot, but I have been reading the boards for quite some time and feel as if I have gotten to know some of the people here thru their posts.

To Killi: I respect your being open and honest in your feelings and what you are going thru. I know it must not be easy to go to school, work to support yourself, study and dealing with everyday life.

On to the why we are here:

Is there a right way to Dom? We all know the answer is, NO. From the iron fist, to the cotton heart, as long as we have those precious ones that look up to us for our guidance - with a patient mind, resting in our lap - we have done what we set out to do, to Dom.

No, there isn't a "right" way to Dom, but I also don't set out to dom. I truly do not believe that a natural alpha dominant person "sets out" to dom.

For in this, we are truly nothing without those who consider themselves our subs/slaves. As every person needs air to breathe, we as Dominants owe our existance to the very ones that make up our other half, our submissives. For what are we without them? And vice versa.

A General is still a General should his entire army die in battle. He is a General not by the number of men he controls, but by the authority that his dignity and his honor wields. This is why Grant will never receive the respect afforded to Lee.

I am the same person I was 3 years ago without my wife/sub/baby, as I am today. A Dom's importance, being, or demeanor is not based on whether or not they have somebody to lord over and dominate. I owe my existance to One, my higher power, my God .. not to some girl who submits to me. I am who I am, in all places and things.

Sheesh, I went out to find a D/s relationship not because I was co-dependent in nature and needed another to prop me up, but because I knew after living a full and difficult life what worked for me and what didn't, and chasing the vanilla partner dreaming of conversion was more co-dependent and self doubting IMHO than someone who knew what they needed and had the guts to go get it.

Catalina, I believe you made Marquis point for him. You did not need a Dom, you wanted a dom because you knew what worked for you. By knowing what worked for you, you knew the type of man you needed to find. Knowing what you need or are needing to do, is a lot different than being a needy peron who brings nothing to the table but a shitload of problems.

If that is not what either of you meant, feel free to correct me.

 

[graceanne]

You show me a happy, healthy couple; and I'll show you two happy, healthy people.

Actually I agree with almost everything you said, but mostly this. I think that you don't suddenly stop being yourself cause you get in a relationship. I think that eventually you become 'one', but that one is the the sum of the two, not something totally different. Getting in a relationship with someone will not make you emotionally healthy, and emotionally healthy people do not get into relationships with emotionally fucked up people.

 

[Betticus]

I can't get my head around this "owe my existence" thing, sorry. M doesn't owe his to me nor me to him. If I get killed by random sky debris or falling coconuts tomorrow M is still going to be submissive in orientation, why not vice versa?

I don't really feel a sense of awe and wonder at my orientation, though. Maybe it's because I grew into mine over time, I don't relate to the "natural alpha, bullied everyone around on the playground" kind of thing.

I have never seen the bullies as anything like an alpha. I always saw them as people who lacked confidence in themselves and who had to push others around in order to feel some false sense of security. Some of them I just thought were in the closet and were trying to appear manly.

I had different priorities in school, back then I wanted to graduate so I could get the hell away from the people there. We had not much in common. Fighting happened but only when I was backed into a corner like a rat. Other than that I didn't care about those people. For some reason though, they cared about me. I was a genuinely nice person, quiet and polite as I had been raised. I guess that I looked like an easy target.

 

[Marquis]

Great post bullaford, I hope to hear more from you.

No, there isn't a "right" way to Dom, but I also don't set out to dom. I truly do not believe that a natural alpha dominant person "sets out" to dom.

I think we do, when we're desperate and confused.

 

[Betticus]

Something interesting. I agree with both Catalina and Marquis on their points. I think that you have to be a whole, healthy person in order to get the most out of life. Especially life in a caring relationship but at the same time being a whole person doesn't mean that there is not a void inside you that only someone special can fill.

When that void is filled you are not just complete as you were who you are before but now you are more than just a single entity. You are a pair. With each other you are more than either of you are alone.