The Visitor -- looking for feedback

[Twilight_Girl]

Hi. I wrote this story a few years ago and figured I may as well post it online. Looking for some feedback to improve it in any way before I officially post it on literotica. It's an M+/f BDSM humiliation story.

The doorbell rings. John walks to the door and confirms that it is his guest. "Sarah" He commands as he opens the door. She knows what to do. She comes and kneels by the doorway, sitting on her legs, her head pressed against the wall. She is nude, but knows better than to try and cover herself. She stays there silently until told to move.

The visitor walks in. He has never been here before, and he looks around admiring the house. He spots Sarah kneeling by the doorway. "Is she in trouble?" He asks. "No, that's her job. You can take your shoes off on her back if you want." Replies John. "Oh, OK. Thanks." He says as he moves over to her.

"She's very beautiful." Continues the visitor. "Is she, um, available…for use I mean?" "Uh...if you want." Replies John with a look of disgust towards Sarah. "Personally, I keep my hands off the dirty little whore." Sarah cringes as he says this, but continues to stay silent as the visitor unties his shoes, their soles pressing into her back.

"Well, if you aren't going to use her…" presses the visitor. "Be my guest. Just don't cum inside her" Replies John. They walk into the living room and John again beckons Sarah. She enters and stands before them, eyes cast downwards.
"Sarah," John continues, "Alex here wants you to pleasure him. Do whatever he asks. Don't get too used to the attention though; you're still disgusting by my standards."

John goes into the kitchen to wait while Alex has his fun with Sarah. "Lay down on the floor Sarah." Alex instructs. Sarah obeys. Alex then opens his pants and pulls his cock out. He lies down on top of Sarah, and slowly enters her cunt. It's all wet by this time, reinforcing in her mind just how much of a slut she really is. His thrusts get faster and faster, harder and harder. She lies there taking it, despite how much it hurts. Alex is about to climax when he remembers the one rule he was given. Quickly he pulls out and his cum sprays all over her. It covers her stomach and chest.

John walks in when he hears that it is over. "Want to take a shower and get that filth off of you?" He asks. Sarah's face breaks into an immediate smile. Normally she is only allowed one shower per day, right in the morning, no matter how messy they get her. As she gets up to go upstairs, John interrupts her. "I didn't mean you, Sarah. You are the filth." He says coldly. Sarah stops and lowers her head. She should know better than to get her hopes up. He does that just to shoot her down.

Alex says thank you and goes upstairs to clean himself off. John turns to Sarah. "Did you have fun, slut?" He asks rhetorically. She knows it is better not to answer, as there is really no good answer to a question like that. As Alex finishes his shower, he and John head off to the dining room to enjoy a nice dinner, leaving Sarah lying on the floor, sore and still covered in cum.

The End. Thanks in advance for the feedback

--Twilight

 

[Filly Gal]

Need a frame of refernce, who are these people,how did they all get together where are they, seems a bit cobbled together and rushed to the actual sex part.Is the focus on the sex slave, the guest, the master?? What is the point of your story??
Sometimes its best to slow down and let the tension build rather then just go for the wham bam part.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Filly is correct. This story is: He arrived. He Came. The end. Not much to comment on really. The story is 537 words long. Lit has a minimum length of 750 words, so this could not be posted.

As far as the technical writing goes, the whole thing is written in second person/present tense. That makes is hard to write and hard to read. You would do better to try third person/past tense. You will find it a bit less structured and flow better.

This is a typical mistake that you make:

The visitor walks in. He has never been here before, and he looks around admiring the house. He spots Sarah kneeling by the doorway. "Is she in trouble?" He asks. "No, that's her job. You can take your shoes off on her back if you want." Replies John. "Oh, OK. Thanks." He says as he moves over to her.

What you have done here is mixed the dialogue between two people. Each person speaking should have their own paragraph. This would read better if it were rewritten as:

The visitor walks in. He has never been here before. He looks around admiring the house and spots Sarah kneeling by the doorway. "Is she in trouble?" he asks.

"No, that's her job. You can take your shoes off on her back if you want," replies John.

"Oh, OKay. Thanks," he says as he moves toward her.

(Also note the changes in the capitalization, wording and punctuation.)

Overall you have a good idea here, but it's not really a story. As I said in the beginning, this is He arrives. He comes (or cums). The end. This is really a viginette - a scene from a story, not a story at all.

I would rewrite this, expand it giving us some background on who these people are, what their relationships are, why John comes to the house and so on. Then think about the outcome - are they better off because of what happens? How does the slave feel about it? Does she feel anything? Whata is the point of this story?

In your rewrite, answer these questions and you will have a great story.

 

[Twilight_Girl]

Revised. How's this?

John was a young man about the age of 30. He was a professional and was fairly comfortable financially. His job demanded much of his time however, and he found it difficult to maintain his home. He had therefore purchased for himself a nice young girl to oversee the domestic responsibilities. While he knew of many cases where a Master would choose a slave girl as a bed warmer, he had no desire to do anything of the sort. He'd heard plenty of stories about how these girls are raised, and didn't like to even touch them, let alone be inside them.

John was a hard Master, demanding attentional to detail and perfect obedience from his slave. He expected a clean house, good food, and any other tasks he gave her to be done promptly and well.

His slave was named Sarah. She was a girl of about 23 years old. She had been sold by her family when she was 8 in order to pay for her elder brother's medical care. At first she worked for a rich family as a server. She would carry drinks and food in at parties that the family held. He was always told how cute she looked and didn't mind the work too much. At 12 she became too old to be cute any longer, and she was sold off to a brothel for a good profit to her owners. He virginity was auctioned off to the highest bidder which covered her purchase price right off the bat. She then brought in a steady stream of profit for her new owners. She was kept there until she became too old to fetch the best prices, at which point she was sold off to a dealer who sold her to John.

John had shown her what he expected regarding the household maintenance. She was a bright girl and she mastered the needed skills quickly. While she was glad that John left her sexuality alone, she missed the loving touch that men used to give her. John considered her neither cute, nor sexy. He treated her with the utmost disgust and wanted as little to do with her as he could. So learned that the only attention she would get from his was the negative sort, so found it best to keep to herself.

John was having a colleague over for dinner one evening. They had some work the needed to discuss and thought it would be more comfortable doing so away from the office. Sarah had prepared a nice meal for the evening and was keeping herself occupied in the kitchen.

The doorbell rang and John walked over to the door to confirm that it was the guest he'd been expecting. "Sarah," he commanded as he opened the door.

Sarah knew immediately what to do. She came over and knelt by the doorway, sitting on her legs, with her head pressed against the wall. She was nude, and shivered a bit from the chill of the doorway, but she knew better than to try and cover herself. She knew to stay silently there until told to move.

The visitor entered. He had never been to the house before, so he looked around admiring the place. He spotted Sarah kneeling by the doorway. "Is she in trouble?" he asked.

"No, that's her job. You can take your shoes off on her back if you want," replied John.

"Oh, OK. Thanks," the visitor said as he moved toward her.

"She's very beautiful," continued the visitor. "Is she, um, available…for use I mean?"

"Uh...if you want," replied John with a look of disgust towards Sarah. "Personally, I keep my hands off the dirty little whore."

Sarah cringed as John said this, but continued to stay silent as the visitor untied his shoes, their soles pressing into her back.

"Well, if you aren't going to use her…" pressed the visitor.

"Be my guest. Just don't cum inside her," replied John.

They walked into the living room and John again beckoned Sarah over to him. She approached and stood before them, her eyes cast downwards.

"Sarah," John continued, "Alex here wants you to pleasure him. Do whatever he asks. Don't get too used to the attention though; you're still disgusting by my standards."

John headed into the kitchen to wait while Alex had his fun with Sarah. "Lay down on the floor Sarah." Alex instructed.

Sarah obeyed. Alex opened his pants and pulled his cock out. He lay down on top of Sarah, and slowly he entered her cunt. It was all wet by this time, reinforcing in her mind just how much of a slut she really is. As he continued, his thrusts got faster and faster, harder and harder. Sarah lay there, taking it, despite how much it hurt. Alex was about to climax when he remembered the one rule he was given. He quickly pulled out, allowing his cum to spray all over her. It covered her stomach and chest.

When John heard the sounds of completion, he returned to the living room. "Want to take a shower and get that filth off of you?" He asked.

Sarah's face brook into an immediate smile. Normally she is only allowed one shower per day, right in the morning, no matter how messy they get her. As she got up to go upstairs, John interrupts her.

"I didn't mean you, Sarah; You are the filth." He said coldly.

Sarah stopped at the base of the stairs and lowered her head. She should have known better than to get her hopes up. He does that just to shoot her down.

Alex thanked John and headed upstairs to clean himself off. John turned back to Sarah.

"Did you have fun, slut?" he asked rhetorically.

She knew it was better not to answer, as there really is no good answer to a question like that. As Alex finished his shower, he and John headed off to the dining room to enjoy a nice dinner, leaving Sarah lying on the floor, sore and still covered in cum.

At the end of the evening, Alex left and John retired to his room. Sarah went about cleaning up from the meal. She hoped to herself that John would decide to entertain more often.

The End.

Thanks again for the feedback

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A lot better. I sent you a pm.

JJ