The virgin Dom.

[leashhand]

First post so bear with me. Ive just met someone VERY special who, during our first serious conversation, told me she was into the lifestyle and was a natural sub. Ive never had any experience with BDSM, not for lack of fantasising about it, Ive just never found anyone I was comfortable enough to ask.

Anyway, weve cybered, been on the webcam (yes it is long distance), Ive written a couple of stories for her and she says that Im a natural. Ive been on loads of sites trying to find out more, not on the tying up - slap your arse side, but about the sub-dom relationship and how it works. I wasnt surprised at what I found out - as far as I can see, the Dom basically looks after the sub's needs, physical and 'spiritual', taking on a nurturing, teaching role in the relationship.

So, the big question I have is where can I find out more about all 'this'? The whole lifestyle and what its all about. I find it fascinating, and completely natural. Ive no qualms about getting involved, in fact its like Ive found something that was missing. So, any advice or help would be appreciated, because I really dont want to lose my new 'pet'.....

 

[myinnerslut]

you took the right first step, by askng the question. next step is to look around, read some threads (id check out the library) and ask questions of those on the board. this is a great place to learn.

you might want to find out more about her likes and dislikes, as well as your own. a checklist can be great for that, either as its own evaluation for her to fill out for you or as a conversation prompter for the two of you.

 

[Orange Devil]

There's loads of sites of which I'm sure others will soon post some, but I was in pretty much the exact same situation you are in now about 15 months ago. For me, a lot of sites seem written in quite a strict "this is how things are" kind of way. And sure, those can be fun to read and provide loads of inspiration. But for me and my girlfriend, talking, talking and lots more talking was really the most important thing. If you are long distance anyway there's really not that much else you can do unfortunately, but you can bring up a whole bunch of things that you think up yourself or read about on a site.

Figuring out what both of you are into, what you might be into, what the meaning of certain words, items, little daily rituals or whatnot is, is quite a good idea IMO. In the end you hopefully end up with a version of bdsm that is absolutely unique, in some ways completely different from what most sites will tell you things will be like, but fits perfectly for both of you.

 

[YourCaptor]

I found out - as far as I can see, the Dom basically looks after the sub's needs, physical and 'spiritual', taking on a nurturing, teaching role in the relationship.

I think this is certainly a BDSM thing some where, but Dom may be the wrong search word for you if you want to find more info.

May want to try daddy/daughter type things

Or "toping from the bottom" possibly.

Their are endless variations on D/s, I'm not exactly sure which would match yours most closely.

Good luck

 

[rosco rathbone]

Good luck and all.

I'm just so glad I had no idea what the internet was when I discovered my psychosexuality. No labels, no websites, no forums, no "lifestyle", no nothing. One pervy girlfriend and a copy of "The Story Of O".

 

[MasterOniKuma]

Welcome to the Fold

There are hosts of sites and books now that didn't exist before. As well as orginizations and groups of people who share the same interests. If anything the new age has brought, it has been an openess among us. A willingness to share and learn from eachother. I am sure that if you look around your local area you will find a munch or group that will help you in your new begining D/s relationship. >;]

 

[VelvetDarkness]

This is a really good book.

 

[leashhand]

Maybe what I should have said.....

Thanks for the replies, what I suppose I was really getting at was dom teaches sub, who teaches dom? BTW Velvet Darkness, Ive ordered the book you recommended, so I shall review it as soon as its been read.

 

[MasterOniKuma]

Thanks for the replies, what I suppose I was really getting at was dom teaches sub, who teaches dom? BTW Velvet Darkness, Ive ordered the book you recommended, so I shall review it as soon as its been read.

Well I know several who learned by being a slave/sub themselves first. And I know some who have learned through a sort of mentorship from another Dom. To some it just comes naturally, and they learn through trial and error. As far as I know, there is no one set way for a Dom to learn to be a Dom.

 

[Tyr51]

There is a ton of good introductory literature as well. One of the first books I read on the subject was "Different Loving", and it seems to be a general staple in the library of most BDSMers. I found it enlightening (and respectful) about a lot of practices, actually.

 

[Netzach]

Everyone has to educate themself to some degree. Dom or sub or neither, the biggest piece of the puzzle is the introspection to know what you want to do - the rest is finding the resource to learn the skills you need to do what you want to do. You don't have to do everything.

 

[Primalex]

Thanks for the replies, what I suppose I was really getting at was dom teaches sub, who teaches dom?

Who teaches the gay how to be gay?

Kids these days - if they can't find the answer on the net, they are lost.

 

[unfoundiamond]

I was so expecting something diffrent from reading the title of this one...

So, now...

I think checklists are a good place to start...

At least to see what's out there, and what you two may be curious about...

Secondly...

Id say the most F*ing important thing is CONFIDENCE, or at least seeming so...

Having a dom with less expirience is tolerable... if the person seems to have the ability, just needs t hone the skill...

I don't wanna be anyones labrat... gineapig...
But... someones unforgetable first... I can be, its about connotation...

Mystery is also very useful, be mysterious, don't give every detail, just be yourself, look out for the best interest of you and her, and google Taken In Hand relationships, it was a good relationship focus for me...
(Id leave the link but im posting from a phone, ill edit it in)

 

[Fuckette]

You seem more like a subbie to me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I wouldn't say that. I think it's perfectly reasonable to read around kink before leaping into the deep end and expecting nobody to get hurt. The emotional side of a kink based relationship is just as important as the physical one. There'd be fewer kink casualties if people tried walking before they sprinted in my opinion.

The only thing I would point out is that a balanced and well functioning D/s relationship is codependent. If you view submission as an abdication of responsibility you'll end up emotionally drained by trying to take everything upon yourself.

Master calls the shots in our union but we take equal responsibility for the decisions he makes. I am his rock, just as he is mine. Nothing else works in the long term in my experience.

 

[Big Poppa]

The Loving Dom and SM 101 were two books that were recommended to me a while back when I wanted to get into this.

The loving Dom I felt was totally useless, as I progressed through the book it described who I already was and what I already knew and didn't gain anything from the book.

I enjoyed SM 101 a lot more, I did have some of the same issues with the other book, however I picked up quite a bit more from this one.


Find out what you want, what she wants, and talk, just like they have already suggested

 

[Fauna]

Leashhand,

Everyone had to start somewhere. I read fantasy books on BDSM scenes, books about actual play and practiced on a lot of pillows. I had friends (a married couple) who were into the scene and let me practice on them. Talk to other people. You can IM me privately if you have any questions. I don't know everything and its all about my style, but I'm willing to share what I know.

I think the confidence is one key to the whole thing. Most of us have been nervous at one time or another while doing this, from both ends of the flogger. I've been away from the lifestyle for about 3 years and was so very nervous when I picked up my flogger again Friday night for my new sub. He was nervous too, but I projected my authority and started again.

Once you are ready to physically do a scene, start with something easy and well planned. Its the beginning. You and your sub are feeling each other out. You don't have to plan out 15 things to do that day, stick with one or two things YOU feel good about doing. After words, during the cool down, talk to your sub. Ask him/her what they thought about it, what they liked, etc.

You will do great!

 

[Lady_Midnight]

My advice is to communicate with your sub. Lots of discussion before you even attempt a scene and, as Fauna said, afterwards too

Good luck.