VacationLinda
Virgin
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2004
- Posts
- 2
Hi...I am Linda from the story The Vacation Ch. 01. Let Karen and I know what you think of our story. We appreciate ideas for new chapters too!
The Vacation Ch. 01 - Feedback welcome
- Thread starter VacationLinda
- Start date
flawed_ethics
Professional Dufus
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2001
- Posts
- 1,193
Be sure to include links! We're very lazy people.
The Vacation Ch. 01 by TheChatSisters
Personally, take advantage of paragraphs. The climax is one big paragraph. Although mixing all their thoughts together adds to the foursome action, it's still hard to follow.
I thought the insecurity of Karen entering the resort was well set up. You lose points on resorting to statistics though. The banter between the four is believable, and helps to set up their character. There's a bit of discrepancy (I won't get into it here to avoid spoilage), but her thoughts are consistent enough.
The Vacation Ch. 01 by TheChatSisters
Personally, take advantage of paragraphs. The climax is one big paragraph. Although mixing all their thoughts together adds to the foursome action, it's still hard to follow.
I thought the insecurity of Karen entering the resort was well set up. You lose points on resorting to statistics though. The banter between the four is believable, and helps to set up their character. There's a bit of discrepancy (I won't get into it here to avoid spoilage), but her thoughts are consistent enough.
Cherrie
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2003
- Posts
- 138
VacationLinda said:
Good story for a first attempt, but you could really do with finding yourself an editor. The dialogue was very hard to follow, it just seemed to be all muddled up in places, and led to a lot of confusion. I'm sure that a final bit of polishing and editing would make all the difference. Otherwise quite a good story.
I will look forwards to Ch 2.
