The Unseen Gift - some feedback please

[Babeslady]

I recently posted this story "The Unseen Gift"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=499850&page=2

It is a story based on an actual experience although I was not in the room for the majority of the story. I did spend a fair bit of time with the persons concerned to get a real feel for what went on.

It is the first time I have written in the third person and I did find it a bit challenging. Any comments wether negative or positive would be appreciated. I am here to improve my skills. I did get this piece edited by a Literotica member before posting and he seemed pretty happy with it although we were both hoping for a bit more comment that what we got.

 

[_Lynn_]

The first paragraph should hook the reader into wanting more. Instead of pulling me in, I struggled to continue.

The word “arse” made me laugh. Sorry, but it’s not sexy at all.

Errors distracted me right away.

Then I realized your link is for page two.


So page one.

Write out numbers. Errors in punctuation distracted me here too. As did the formatting—I don’t know if that’s how you submitted it, but if so, it’s wrong. You need a line of white space between every paragraph, and that includes dialogue.

Speaking of dialogue, the lack of it gives a sterile feel to the piece. There isn’t any emotion in the narrative, where you could show that with conversations between the couple.

Clichés are dull. Why use someone else’s words? Think of your own next time.

So far, the story isn’t original. Readers want different, unique, hot, sexy, and I don’t find any of that in your story.

I generally find "true" stories don't translate well into fiction. Real life is often boring put into words. The lack of comments might be in your favor. Readers aren't always shy about sharing negative comments.

Just my opinion. Hope something helps.

 

[CWatson]

Your first problem is your fragments. You have a lot of.

Okay, see the problem with that sentence? It's lacking an object. Sentences need to be about something, and a sentence fragment falls flat precisely because it isn't. And you have quite a few of these frags lying about your story. Now, like any rule, this one can be broken... But only if you know what you're doing as a writer, and--with respect--you don't, not yet. So stick to the rule for now.

The second thing you are lacking is punctuation. You don't seem to know what some of the markings are even for: I've seen semicolon misuse and comma misuse to begin with. Were I you, I'd check out the book Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. It's not only a working primer on punctuation, but Truss is a better writer than the (so far) three of us on this thread combined. You'll enjoy it so much you won't even notice you're being educated.

In the paragraph introducing Amy you use the word "sexy" twice and "very" six times. This is too many for fifty words. Do not consider a thesaurus, that's just going to make your prose spurious, discommodious and indecipherable. Instead, think about what you're trying to say and how else you might possibly say it.

Another thing that jagged on me was this: "Jake, being male, struggled to express himself sometimes." Without debating whether it is true or not, it's incredibly stereotypical, and it works against you. It doesn't make The Reader feel like he's about to encounter something (in the words of MistressLynn) "different, unique, hot, sexy". Besides, who among us doesn't struggle to express themselves sometimes?--You're having that problem on this very story, and, at least apparently, you are female. By resorting to this trite stereotype, you suggest that you don't plan to express any thought or narrative that hasn't already been expressed before.

Finally, skipping to the end, I felt really let down by your conclusion. You just spent a lot of time working Jake up into an emotional pitch. Then you let it deflate with just one paragraph of vague, haphazard sex? No; that should've gone on for at least a third the length of his encounter with Amy.

This is not bad--I didn't feel the temptation to hit the Back button. ...Actually, then, "Not bad" is rather a disservice: it's still in the top 35% of the site. But you can do better than this. There are some poor storytelling decisions, which is understandable from a young writer such as yourself, but there's also a lot of sloppiness that even a ten-year-old would know to avoid. Some of the necessary corrections can only be learned with experience; others could be fixed right now. Not fixing them... Well, that's a major strike against. It means you're either lazy or careless, and neither of those makes for good writing.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[Babeslady]

Thanks for taking the time

Hi there guys. Sorry I have taken a while to respond to this. I really appreciate you both for taking the time to read my piece and give good constructive feedback. I see where you are both coming from and will certainly take your advice on board.

Although the comment about the 10yo was a bit extreme. I have a 10 yo in my house and I am damned sure that if he was able to do ANY grammar I would die of surprise!!!!!!

However I do stand corrected. Laziness is not acceptable and if one does not have the time to do something properly then one should put it aside until it can be done properly.

 

[Sanichi]

Hello Babeslady,

You might go ahead and fix that link. If you didn't realise, it takes you to page 2 (notice it ends: "&page=2") which is confusing as MistressLynn points out.

The Unseen Gift

The category is Erotic Couplings


You say it has been edited? Well, not for punctuation, or something has gone wrong.

Gemma laid out the toys on the table of the hotel room; feather ticklers, massage oil, a whip, an anal vibe, lube and condoms.

Items in a list are one of the legitimate uses for the semicolon. Change the one you have to a full colon, so: "Gemma laid out the toys on the table of the hotel room: feather ticklers; massage oil; a whip; an anal vibe; lube and condoms." Unless I missed it, not all these items are used in what follows. In line with your major interest, perhaps skip the list and refer only to "toys and condoms", perhaps with Gemma paying special attention to the anal vibe as she lays it down.

The title is hardly reflected in the story. True, Gemma has procured the lover as a 'gift' but there is no reason for it, not even a birthday. It might make sense if anal play is something she herself is reluctant or unable to do.

Whilst it might seem exciting to some, "based on an actual experience" is no recommendation when all that happens is a wife leaves her husband for an hour of no-strings sex with a stranger. It's a simple story, plainly told.

It's enough that she checks the bedside clock, you don't need: "Still about 10 minutes until she had to leave." There is a deal of clockwatching, and unless the room is rented by the hour, I couldn't see why. Let them settle in.

I won't go over every lapse in grammar (those would be Calvin Klein-style boxers) but watch for run-on sentences.

They embraced; absorbing each other and Gemma inhaled the scent of the aftershave she had bought him.

It doesn't matter that she bought the aftershave. "Absorbing" each other sounds faintly creepy, and the awkward sentence makes it hard to see the object. Split the sentence as it should be, taste the heady scent of the sentence fragment, and leave what you need: "They embraced. Gemma inhaled aftershave." I think that stands for her keeping a part of him while she is gone, which is a more important than wondering why or where or when she bought it.

"Tangible" means it can be touched, which nervous energy can't. Palpable?

A quick check of the clock; time for Gemma to leave.

There is the next reference to the clock, and it feels like there is a time-bomb ticking, or they are up to no good. Better if you mentioned the ten minutes, so that as they embrace it seems only a moment before he says gently, "Time to leave."

There is a paragraph of explanation ("if anything goes really wrong just call me") that tells us Gemma will be in the bar catching up on reading. It dispels any sense of mystery or intrigue. If she leaves Jake with his thoughts, alone with the blindfold, we will all be wondering what the key in the door will bring. Instead, you have a flashback section laying out exactly what the situation is, with tentative discussion and a search for a partner.

I'm not married and I don't know anything about swinging. I always imagined it was because the couple couldn't find what they wanted in each other, which is a bit sad, but you seem to have it that Gemma and Jake are the perfect couple.

He was so beautiful, she loved him so much, her perfect partner and lover.

and yet:

They had overcome the conditioning and constraints of traditional monogamous ideals and the possibilities for sexual fulfilment stretched before them.

It seems to me they have their cake and eat it. All I'm thinking is that if they have this incredible experience now, what will they go back to, and would they not want the same experience again, with diminishing returns? There is no moral stricture at all, so at the end of the story they are the same as the start. I'd like to see at least some consequence in the decision, even if it's a resolve to experiment together as they couldn't before.

I'll leave aside the sex parts, which seemed all present and correct. There was a spark of enthusiasm where Amy indulged her fetish:

Boy’s bottoms! I love to touch them, lick them even gently bite them.

You can choose any names for your characters, so find something different for either Jake or James, as I confused them a few times.

I hope some of this helps. There are around half a million stories posted here, and I've read a few hundred at most - a fraction of 1% - so if CWatson reckons it's in the top 35% he must have read A LOT in the bottom 65! All I can say is it's in the top third of those few hundred, which should give you reason to carry on.

 

[Babeslady]

Udated Link

I should have fixed this earlier;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=499850

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

I read the first couple of paragraphs and stopped, because you aren't writing a story -- you're transcribing an event. There's a difference.

Here's what you wrote:

She remembered his interest in her own arse earlier. He had touched her there several times when he could and she wondered if he would like to fuck her that way. In the past Amy had tried anal sex but most men didn’t understand the finer points of fucking an arse. They treated it like a pussy and expected to be able to shove their cock in there and fuck away. Her experiences had been disappointing. Jake’s size made her more hesitant but she was a curious girl. She had heard of women who loved anal sex and she wanted some of that for herself.
“Would you like to fuck me doggy?” She whispered to him in the darkness.
“Oh yess!”
She bent over and Jake kneeled behind her. He touched her pussy there was juice all over her pussy and it had run down to cover her arse. His finger travelled almost of its own accord to trace gently around her hole. He smiled. The thought of fucking her there was enticing but he knew he needed to be careful. He wasn’t entirely sure this was what she wanted.​

Here's an unsolicited fix, that really has nothing to do with your story, but shows the difference between writing and transcribing:

Missionary. Again.

They fucked in the dark, on cool sheets, their eyes open, and both a million miles away. Amy sighed.

"Would you like to try -- from behind?" she whispered.

"Sure" Jake said, trying not to sound too excited. "Sure, we could try that."

He rolled off her, his back bumping into the lamp next to her tiny bed.

"Sorry!"

She plopped onto her stomach and bent her knees -- presenting.

"Okay," she said, spreading her legs a bit more and shoving a pillow under her torso. "Go ahead." She was a little dry, and clawed the sheet, waiting, hoping it wouldn't hurt too much.

Jake reached out a hand, looking for landmarks. It was too dark! Why did they always have to have the lights off? His thumb accidentally touched her asshole, and she jumped.

"Sorry!" he said, pulling back. "Jesus! I'm sorry!"

"It's okay." Amy said, . "Really."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it."

She bent down again, and spread her legs. He'd touched her there. Should he wash? No! He'd take an hour. Better to press on. Get this over with.

She realized that she was quivering. She'd tried --- that --- before, with two men. Horrid experiences. Awful, painful, experiences. Men are idiots. Not all holes are the same. The mouth, the asshole -- they're not vaginas. They're not for jackhammering, damn it. It was probably her fault, too. Amy realized that it might be time to start buying some lube, or at least maybe she should keep a bottle of baby oil handy. Something.

Jake was being careful now, approaching her butt from the sides, where he could be sure to only find cheek. Confident now he pulled himself towards her, his knees burning a bit as they moved across the sheet. He entered her, carefully. It felt good. Very good. This was better. This was definitely better. Jake held Amy's ass, and groaned.

Her ass felt so nice, so plump and full. His hands moved about, taking in its cushy roundness. He looked down. A shaft of moonlight fell on her rear, and suddenly it glowed like a white pumpkin. Her asshole. He had touched her asshole! "Christ! I hope she doesn't think I did it on purpose!" Jake hated himself. Still, his thumbs moved closer to that spot, that tiny, little pink spot. As he fucked her he imagined his cock slipping up, and popping right into her asshole. He imagined how she'd scream. She'd hate that! Christ! Wouldn't that be ---- great?

Amy felt herself getting wetter. He was holding her so tightly. His cock was getting fat and heavy and pressed down on her clit. "Oh!" she thought. "This is nice..." She grabbed her breasts, her nipples, and pinched. "Oh, yes!"

Christ he was getting hard! Harder and harder inside her! Jake rolled back his eyes and groaned. "I want to fuck her --- there!"he thought, imagining it, wishing it, seeing his cock in her asshole. "Yes!"

"Jake!" Amy cried.

Jake's cock had popped out of her pussy and lunged straight into her ass. He even penetrated! Just an inch! Just for a second. It was a complete accident, but...

"Oh God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Amy flew out of the bed, pulling up the sheet, covering herself.

Jack fell sideways, knocking over the lamp.

"Sorry!"

"Oh my God!"

She shook all over. "Why did you do that?"

"Fuck! The lamp!"

"Why?"

"I didn't mean to! It was an accident!" He replaced the lamp, but the shade was crushed. "Fuck!"

"Okay."

"Sorry!"

Silence.

"I'll get the light."

"No." said Amy.

She stood there, trying to see him.

"Is that what you...?"

"What?" he asked. "Oh. I don't know."

Amy's legs were shaking. "Oh my God." she thought. "I'm closing to cumming."

For once in her life, Amy decided to not think.

She climbed on the bed.

"Amy..?"

She shoved the pillow beneath her torso.

"Are you...?"

She bent her knees, and raised her ass.

"Jake?" she said,

"Yes?"

Amy gulped. "I want you to..."

​

Not my best effort, but you get the idea. You can tell us the story of what two people did while they fucked, or you can give us characters, conflict, and put it together with some panache. Why not go for panache? There are enough stories that tell us "And then this happened, and then that happened!" etc.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I did a look see myself, and have to agree with most of the points raised by others, particularly DCL.

I did want to mention that this line:

“Would you like to fuck me doggy?”

made me laugh until I snorted. She's calling him a doggy.

 

[Sanichi]

I did want to mention that this line:

“Would you like to fuck me doggy?”

made me laugh until I snorted. She's calling him a doggy.

Or offering her doggy to be fucked.