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Tastes Like (Mutant) Chicken - The great McDonald's diet test, and why Ukrainians won't touch your buffalo wings
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
So then from way, way over there in Ukraine comes this hilarious bit about how the country's customs officials just confiscated a whopping 19 tons of frozen U.S. chicken parts that smugglers claimed was sugar.
That's right: The crooks were trying to smuggle American-grown chicken into Ukraine territory, which is all well and good except it's very illegal, given how the U.S. genetically modifies billions of its chickens and injects them with hormones and chemicals and toxins and feeds them ground-up chicken parts mixed with chicken feces and saws off their beaks and packs them by the tens of thousands into tiny nauseating disease-ridden cages in massive "Matrix"-like hellhole factory farms and treats them worse than you treat a skin boil.
Ukraine refuses to take this crap. U.S. officials insist our factory-farmed chicken is safe to eat. Ukrainian officials look at U.S. officials like they are childish Neanderthal idiots who must take the Ukrainian officials to be simpletons and fools.
U.S. officials sneer and pout and stamp their feet and say eat our stupid noxious chicken parts goddammit. Ukrainian officials note how most of the U.S. officials are pale and sickly and obese and diabetic and precancerous and impotent and prematurely balding and sort of homely and piggish, and how seven of them just dropped dead on the spot from heart attacks just from stomping their angry little feet like that because they've eaten so many toxic chicken parts and now their bodies are saying, you know, screw you, I'm outta here.
America, of course, does not give a damn about Ukraine. America laughs at such petty Euro foolishness, as we slaughter billions of toxic hormoned chickens a year and happily munch away on fried/liquefied/reconstituted/McNuggeted garbage food by the ton and say see? See Ukrainian snob fools? We aren't dropping dead! We are just fine! Ha! We are still big strong superpower, cough cough groan hack spit!
Except that we're not. Except that every day millions in this country wonder why they feel so sluggish and drained and ill, or why cancer and diabetes and heart disease and a thousand other ailments plague our big healthy superpower nation, when in fact much of the answer is right there, in our little Styrofoam boxes and in that greasy paper bucket or in that Safeway grocery bag or wrapped in that oily paper with all the little taco logos all over it. Our nation wears its denial like a bad neon suit.
. . .
We consume, by the truckload, what most of civilized Europe considers toxic contraband, on a par with heroin or kiddie porn or Lynne Cheney. We consider ourselves omnipotent and untouchable and the world's paragon of virile capitalist vitality, when in fact the world sees us as this giant flaccid flabby glutton who blindly believes everything the McDonald's marketing slogans spits our way. I'm lovin' it!
We hear what we want to hear. The nastiest and most powerful and most flagrant abusers of impotent FDA regulation, such as Monsanto and ConAgra and Iowa Beef Packers, will grin sinisterly and tell you it's all fine and there's nothing wrong with genetic engineering and hormones and radiated meats, even as they quietly recall another 10 million tons of E. coli-laden beef and pick their teeth with the bones of your sick children.
Irony bonus round: Ukraine, by comparison to America, suffers from a huge array of social woes, economic and environmental and social. It is unstable and somewhat desperate, still recovering from the Chernobyl reactor meltdown and from dissing angry Mother Russia a decade back and trying to go it alone.
They are a nation in turmoil. They are developing and recovering and little like the bright and powerful USA. And, yet, even Ukraine won't eat our damn chicken. Gosh, we say, what the hell is wrong with them?
Gosh, we should be saying, what the hell is wrong with us?
full article + links
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
So then from way, way over there in Ukraine comes this hilarious bit about how the country's customs officials just confiscated a whopping 19 tons of frozen U.S. chicken parts that smugglers claimed was sugar.
That's right: The crooks were trying to smuggle American-grown chicken into Ukraine territory, which is all well and good except it's very illegal, given how the U.S. genetically modifies billions of its chickens and injects them with hormones and chemicals and toxins and feeds them ground-up chicken parts mixed with chicken feces and saws off their beaks and packs them by the tens of thousands into tiny nauseating disease-ridden cages in massive "Matrix"-like hellhole factory farms and treats them worse than you treat a skin boil.
Ukraine refuses to take this crap. U.S. officials insist our factory-farmed chicken is safe to eat. Ukrainian officials look at U.S. officials like they are childish Neanderthal idiots who must take the Ukrainian officials to be simpletons and fools.
U.S. officials sneer and pout and stamp their feet and say eat our stupid noxious chicken parts goddammit. Ukrainian officials note how most of the U.S. officials are pale and sickly and obese and diabetic and precancerous and impotent and prematurely balding and sort of homely and piggish, and how seven of them just dropped dead on the spot from heart attacks just from stomping their angry little feet like that because they've eaten so many toxic chicken parts and now their bodies are saying, you know, screw you, I'm outta here.
America, of course, does not give a damn about Ukraine. America laughs at such petty Euro foolishness, as we slaughter billions of toxic hormoned chickens a year and happily munch away on fried/liquefied/reconstituted/McNuggeted garbage food by the ton and say see? See Ukrainian snob fools? We aren't dropping dead! We are just fine! Ha! We are still big strong superpower, cough cough groan hack spit!
Except that we're not. Except that every day millions in this country wonder why they feel so sluggish and drained and ill, or why cancer and diabetes and heart disease and a thousand other ailments plague our big healthy superpower nation, when in fact much of the answer is right there, in our little Styrofoam boxes and in that greasy paper bucket or in that Safeway grocery bag or wrapped in that oily paper with all the little taco logos all over it. Our nation wears its denial like a bad neon suit.
. . .
We consume, by the truckload, what most of civilized Europe considers toxic contraband, on a par with heroin or kiddie porn or Lynne Cheney. We consider ourselves omnipotent and untouchable and the world's paragon of virile capitalist vitality, when in fact the world sees us as this giant flaccid flabby glutton who blindly believes everything the McDonald's marketing slogans spits our way. I'm lovin' it!
We hear what we want to hear. The nastiest and most powerful and most flagrant abusers of impotent FDA regulation, such as Monsanto and ConAgra and Iowa Beef Packers, will grin sinisterly and tell you it's all fine and there's nothing wrong with genetic engineering and hormones and radiated meats, even as they quietly recall another 10 million tons of E. coli-laden beef and pick their teeth with the bones of your sick children.
Irony bonus round: Ukraine, by comparison to America, suffers from a huge array of social woes, economic and environmental and social. It is unstable and somewhat desperate, still recovering from the Chernobyl reactor meltdown and from dissing angry Mother Russia a decade back and trying to go it alone.
They are a nation in turmoil. They are developing and recovering and little like the bright and powerful USA. And, yet, even Ukraine won't eat our damn chicken. Gosh, we say, what the hell is wrong with them?
Gosh, we should be saying, what the hell is wrong with us?
full article + links
