The Time Is Right, I Want To Hear Your Thoughts

[Singularity]

I have been a long time getting ready to offer up my stories for feedback and critiques, but here goes.

I have been writing for about 2 years, but did not post anything until a few months ago. So far, I have gotten pretty good scores and some very nice feedback from readers. The direct-to-author feedback is often sparse, and usually is complimentary. Most readers don't tell you what they don't like, they just don't tell you what they do like, or they don't tell you anything.

So, in the interests of achieving True Enlightenment, I am asking for the assistance of those who are both passionate and particular about what they read, to tell me what they think.

Training Michelle, which starts at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=44218 begins the story. Elegance Ravished, at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51278, continues Michelle's saga, and on to Predators and Prey (not all posted yet), at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54536.


There is much more that has not yet been spruced up for publication, but I think I am at the point where getting some specific ideas and critiques will be useful.

Let'er rip.


Singularity

 

[the_bragis]

More puleeeeez!!!

Hello Singularity,

I decided to read 'Training Michelle'. Oh what a hot little number this one is! Steamy sex, sex, and more sex! And so well done. Time and time again, you painted clear and vivid images for me to savour in my warped little mind.

I noted a couple of little blinks, but please I am no expert, so don't quote me...ok?

Michelle flings open the door to her condo and slams it shut behind her as she stalks into the kitchen ...

The opening sentence, flinging and slamming, are carefree and loud, and to me, just didn't seem to go with stalking, which I tend to think of as quiet and stealth like.

The way that Simone had said 'he .... .

The rest of Simone's message was ..

Michelle could tell that Simone was getting ...

Simone had continued on for a few.....

At that moment, a woman .... (At this moment...)

I realise that you intentionally changed tenses during your story, but I think these are a few of the sentences/paragraphs that should have been present tense. I felt there were a few other times the tense slipped, but it would be silly for me to list every one, especially since I could be wrong about the whole lot. I know it's so very hard to write in present tense. Overall you seem to have done very well, but I think you may need to go over it carefully and perhaps change a few words.

You know a good bdsm story like this one, well written as it is, isn't going to appeal to everyone, but damn it , do you really care? I know I certainly don't.

I really enjoyed this one!

Have a good day,

Alex

 

[Singularity]

Thank you alex,

I read through Training Michelle Chapter 1 again this morning and I agree with almost all of your comments. Fixpack 1 has already been applied to the Master disk....

Most of the boo-boos are in the first scene, which was the last part of the chapter to be completed. The rest of the story had been "test marketed" on Michelle's and others' ears for a while before, so I had found most of the kinks (make that transgressions - kinks are a good thing in a BDSM story!) in earlier editing revisions.

Getting the initial premise right was the most difficult part. Once Michelle was all naked and ready to go for her evening out, it was more or less smooth sailing (so to speak).

I hope you enjoy the Rest of the Story too (with apologies to Paul Harvey, who is a broadcast icon you have probably never heard - or heard of - in Australia).


Thanks,


Singularity

 

[NoJo]

Training Michelle.

Great story, gets a 5 from me because it deserves to get a lot of readers, I think. I totally agree with Alex, very very sexy -- with good build-ups with really good descriptions. Please submit the middle story!

I like your cinematographic approach, complete with scene directions.

You have a simple and readable style (believe me, I mean that as a BIG complement).

You're definitely a class writer, so I'll be a much harsher and less objective than usual in my criticism. I'll pretend I read this story in a book I found from the high-up "fuck books" bookshelf in my public library, along with de Venus in Furs, Story of O, Lady Chatterly, Nexus, etc.

I don't get Michelle. She has no depth of personaility I can make out. You're kind of playing with with her as though she were a doll you're making act in a (I admit very sexy) little porn film. I'd like a bit more of the Pygmalion effect where Michelle turns round to the author and says "Fuck You, I'm a real person, you know, you can't just stick me in scene after scene. I mean, what's my motivation?"

Also, (hopefully later chapters change this) I find the "Teasing girl gets the treatment" not a particularly original storyline.

So not much in the way of plot or character.

If you wanted to make a movie, it would be a porn movie (which tend to be various sex scenes strung together with the bare minimum of plotline linking them), stimulating strictly below the waist.

I have to repeat your descriptive writing alone is good enough to provide my entertainment though!

Joe

 

[Singularity]

Sub Joe has hit the bull's eye on what I have been thinking as well. I write like a camera watching the scene (or as the director's script) more so than from inside the actor's head. Stage directions are easy, plot is hard.

Part of the focus on the cinematic style stems from the original use to which these stories were put. They were created for Michelle (she is a real person, though the stories about her are either fiction or based on my experiences) for her to masturbate to, listening to them as recorded phone messages (each chapter takes about 3-5 weeks for us to get through together).

Either late at night at home or in her office when she goes to work (she is a big enough exec to have a private office with a door), she listens to the stories and gets herself off. She is only permitted to come when Michelle does, in the story.

So the porn-film analogy is apt. That is what it was intended to be, originally. My RL sub, who was already a Literotica fan and who had posted a few stories, urged me to publish these for the Greater Good of the Community of Deviants and Disciples of the Flesh that inhabit this realm.

There are already 6 chapters to the Training Michelle story on the site, as well as 1 1/2 successor stories. If you are looking for a steep dive into character development, it won;t be there. I'll have to work on that more in the future.

In the meantime, enjoy them from below the waist. Your toes will thank you.


Singularity

 

[Jaenelle]

Singularity, I have the same problem when it comes to plot......I write what I see in my head as if im behind a camera.....my question to you is, how are you changing that? or are you changing that part of your writing?

I agree with Sub Joe on that part of it.

As you know ive been reading Training Michelle and have enjoyed it very much....but couldnt pin point why it seemed more like I was watching a porn film till Sub Joe pointed it out.

 

[BodaciousTease]

So So

Our poor, poor little Michelle. She fucks men left and right but can't find a "real" man to fuck her the way she wants, but then when she's asked to shave her poor little tight pussy, why . . . . Oh my God, she's never done THAT before. What a new experience!

Uh huh, that's believable . . . .and away we go on the wild adventures of "Training Michelle." You want a review? Okay, I'll give you a review.

By page three of chapter one I orgasmed, so I would imagine that should get you a 5 on the old masturbation meter. But Singularity, in all honesty, I didn't finish Chapter 1, I could care less about reading to the end of chapter 1, nor read chapter 2 (until I need to masturbate again -- so I might get back to you on that one, though I really doubt it since if I ever write another review, it'll be on a different story), and I could really care less about Michelle or any of the other character in this admittedly hot little masturbation piece.

You story is pure cotton candy -- not one iota of substance and after the afterglow of my orgasm is gone, this story will be forgotten -- forever.

Not only did I stop reading at page 3, I only got to this climatic page (no particular reason why page 3 -- I guess I was just building) by skipping huge chunks of excessive amounts of description. Oh, the description was well done, very well done -- exceptionally well done in some cases (don't get me wrong about that -- you do that very well) but there was no sense of pacing in this story at all and I was completely warn down by the clunk, clunk, clunk, of the plodding forward of this predictable plot. I knew exactly what was coming around the next corner and I got so bored reading about the exact way her sheer bra fit under her huge perky tits (for one example) that I just skipped and skimmed along making my own cliff notes -- and that's a bad thing for most writers and most stories.

Mater of fact I think I've probably cybered with you before, now that I think about it. The "I don't know who this date is. I need to get dressed first in this hot outfit sent to me by currier, and let the limousine pick me up outside my apartment while the driver undresses me with his eyes, and oh yeah put on these nipple clips on before I get there -- and off I go to meet my mystery man LOL -- been there done that bought the t-shirt -- many times over. I can't even begin to count the cliches in just the first three pages alone. You BDSM guys really need to get out and stretch the imagination from time to time.

Hey maybe that's unfair of me, each genre has it's cliches, this one is no different -- but for the life of me, Singularity, let's not use every single one of them in the first three pages. Unless, of course, that's what you want. And if your only hope is for this to be a hot little mindless masturbation piece where the story is forgotten the second the computer is turned off, and your readers don't finish it -- that's cool. It's all depends on what your trying to accomplish and whom you're trying to write to.

It's ok, I mean if that's YOUR thing, I‘m not here to slam it -- I DID cum. It WAS hot, and all that. But you're asked for my opinion and I have this bad habit of assuming people really want my opinion.

Okay, people are going to say: "But she didn't even finish the story. How can she review it?"

THAT is my FIRST major point. Sure it was hot, but I didn't finish it. I couldn't finish it! The plot was just too lame! There is this funny and very annoying thing about stories, if you really want people to actually read them seriously. The writer has to make them interesting. I already know what's going to happen to Michelle. I knew what was going to happen to her at Page 2, I don't HAVE to finish the story and I don't care to finish the story. I got my climax and I moved on. If I were to grade just on my interest in Michelle and what happens to her, you would get a vote of 1 -- and that's generous.

The sad thing is -- maybe the story turns out to be totally different, and I (as the reader) have just lost out on a great read. If that's the case, my second point is: It's not the readers job to invest in a story UNTIL the writer has demonstrate there is something there worth investing in. In other words, if you want people to read to the end, you have to capture them in the beginning. I really appreciate you spending all the hours to write this (I KNOW how much work writing a story takes) and describing in minute detail at every turn so that I could come along, like at a smorgasbord, take my honey little tray and just skim and pick and choose of the things I wanted to rub my hard clit over until I orgasmed -- then promptly disposed of this mindless bites without a second thought. That was really nice of you, and I appreciate your effort.

But I just assume, since you really want feedback, that a person whom would spend so much time writing something would rather prefer a reader to finish their story. Readers just aren't going to do it. You have to show the reader in the first, second and third pages that this story is going to be different. Hell, I gave it 3 pages. Most discriminating readers, who aren't totally obsessed with BDSM mind you, aren't going to be so generous with their time -- but that's just my opinion.

A couple very short quick points. 1) I agree with the_bragis. The tense of your story is present tense. It reads better if it were past tense. It's an easy mistake. I make it ALL the time myself and find myself dropping into present tense often. I'm really bad at that, but I'm convinced (and most editors agree) past tense is better. In my opinion, a writer needs to learn to walk on the terra firma before they start doing high wire acts. Very few writers are to that point. New writers often want to start with aerial acrobats and the only thing they accomplish is killing their story. Present tense is like listening to a singer sing just a little off key. Unless its handled JUST right, the audience is constantly nagged in the back of their head that there is something "off". I don't think you're to that point yet -- I'm not there either, but that's just my opinion.

2) cut and trim. You need to go back and figure where you want your story to ebb and flow. Although it was nice to know every little detail of everything, its too much. Most reader are self editing your story as they read -- skipping over what they don't care about, I'll guarantee you. If you want to control your own story, you have to edit yourself.

Anyway, your story gets a 5 for masturbation and a 1 for everything else. The sum total for my vote on this story is a 3. Your good at what you do but I aint coming back -- unless I need to get off quick, and then maybe. If you want to be a good writer there is a lot of room to improve. Just my honest opinion.

B Tease

 

[NoJo]

B T, I climaxed after your fourth paragraph in your post, but only after skipping past a lot of filler stuff with no coherent plot.

 

[Singularity]

Ouch!

Wow, BT, I feel like I must have touched a nerve. You actually sound pissed off that you orgasmed on page 3. You have my humble and sincere apology for that (what could I possibly have been thinking?).

And, no, we have never connected online or in any other manner. I would have remembered that, trust me.

I do take offence to the “you BDSM guys” comment. It sounds as if your (apparent) distaste for the category is an underlying part of your screed. If you do not care for it, why not say so up front, or else just pass it by and decline to review something that is not your cup of tea?

I looked over the feedback you have provided to other authors (all 3 of them), to compare your comments to them with the feedback you have given me. I guess I should be honored that I was the recipient of more than triple the valuable wisdom you imparted to the others.

I do know that there isn’t any significant plot to the story, and I do know what their primary intent was when they were created. I still don’t know how the use of present tense hurt me. I know the standard advice is to use past-tense. OK, I didn’t. It fit the immediacy of what my original intent for the stories was. But how did I mis-use it?

I respect the feedback and thoughts from the others who have preceeded you in this thread. While yours contains useful and valuable information, the sledgehammer with which it is delivered dilutes its value.

When you have the courage to post a story and ask for feedback on it, I will be much more circumspect when I review it.

And thank you, Sub Joe, for putting a smile back on my face.


Singularity

 

[the_bragis]

You made me smile...

B.T.

You used over a dozen verbose paragraphs in your posting to effectively say; the basic reason you didn't like Singularity's story was because your felt it wasn't a good read, and it was too long.

I'm sorry, but I can't help seeing the irony in that.

Well, have a good day,

Alex.