The Thrifty Scots!

[Comshaw]

A Scottish Sergeant Major marched into a Chemist's one day, stopped at the counter, got the Chemist's attention and held up a condom, covered with patches.

"How much to repair ma rubba?" The Sergeant Major inquired.

The Chemist prodded the decrepit piece of latex with his finger and said,"Ten shillings."

The Sergeant Major hesitated for a moment, then asked,"How much to replace my rubba?"

The Chemist replied,"25 shillings."

The Sergeant Major held up his hand to indicate the Chemist should wait, then marched out the door.

Ten minutes later he marched back in, slapped 25 shillings down on the counter and said," The Regiment has decided to replace!"

 

[OUTSIDER]

I'd start running now if were you.





















PS. copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

 

[*Lazer*]

Oh was that supposed to be funny?

 

[cymbidia]

Eating dogs

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"


~~~~~~~~~~~

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me own self, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me own self, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep..."

 

[*Lazer*]

Now those are funny

 

[Comshaw]

posted by *Lazer*:

Oh was that supposed to be funny?

For those with a sense of humor, yes it is. I'm really sorry about your lack of one.

Comshaw

 

[THEBRAT]

I do consider all of the Scottish Jokes funny because I'm Scottish,Irish,English,French,German,and American Indian I'm a hinz 57 variety.

But the Joke about the Scottish nuns eating hotdogs for the very first time was very funny.

Now does anyone have any jokes about the Germans Lazer your one of a kind

 

[alexander tzara]

Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Ach, just leave it! It'll be daylight in 7 hours"

Q: Why did the Scotsman cross the road?
A: To get to the pub, of course.

Q: Why do Scotsmen shave their brides before the honeymoon?
A: You never know when a ball of wool could come in handy.

 

[alexander tzara]

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me own self, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep..."

I hope you don't think that's why we cloned Dolly, the worlds first Stepford Sheep.

 

[cymbidia]

I hope you don't think that's why we cloned Dolly, the worlds first Stepford Sheep.

Of course not.

Odd, though, that it was a sheep, a female sheep, that was chosen by a Scot, hmmm? ~g~

`````
A hindu, a jew, and a scotsman all get lost in the backwoods when they happen accross a farm. They knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night. The farmer say, "Well, sure, but I only have room for two inside. The third can stay out in the barn".

The three look at each other, and the Jew says, "I'll sleep in the barn." Not two minutes go by and and he comes out and says. "Oy! I can't sleep in there. There are pigs in there, it's not kosher!"

So the Hindu says, "All is well sahib. I will sleep in the barn." Two minutes later he comes out and says, "By the many arms of Vishnu, there is a cow in there. I cannot sleep with a cow, it would be against my faith!"

The scotsman says:"Well, that's alright, I'll take thae barn!" and off he goes. Two minutes go by when a sheep comes out...

`````
A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The Scotsman doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Scotsman hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nay," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them's honking the horn."

`````
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an scottish village when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ye mean women?" asked the highlander. "We ain't got none. Aound here folks fuck sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One highlander in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Ay laddie, but that's the cheiftans gal!"

`````
And finally, a funny Scots joke that has nothing to do with sheep:

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said,
"I donna know where y'been lad but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"

 

[*Lazer*]

 

[*Lazer*]

Hey thanks Brat!!! Com I have a great sense of humor I just didn't think that particular joke was funny don't get all huffy about it. It was not a reflection on your value as a human being or anything.

 

[THEBRAT]

I wasn't mad Lazer i'm Scottish & Irish so my sense of humor sometimes gets outa hand.I open my Mouth & insert my foot.

 

[Demian]

Does Scottish Food Taste Better Than Her Majesty's?

I alwayz did care for Mayo on everything

 

[OUTSIDER]

Scotish food is even worse than English food, they deep fry Mars bars in batter and they do the same with pizza, the Scots also have the worst heart attack rate in europe if not the world.

 

[Starfish]

OUTSIDER, hi there.....

Do you still love me????


I still love you!

 

[OUTSIDER]

OUTSIDER, hi there.....

Do you still love me????


I still love you!

YES

 

[Starfish]

Oh goodie, so you know who I am!


*laughs and flashes you*






Outty is right about Scottish food. My Scottish friend once told me that they eat alot of 'fryups'. I inquired what that was, and he explained that everything is cooked in tons of grease and they eat tons of food that is 'crap' for your body.


Fried Mars bars, huh? I didin't know it was that bad... geesh.

 

[OUTSIDER]

Oh goodie, so you know who I am!


*laughs and flashes you*






Outty is right about Scottish food. My Scottish friend once told me that they eat alot of 'fryups'. I inquired what that was, and he explained that everything is cooked in tons of grease and they eat tons of food that is 'crap' for your body.


Fried Mars bars, huh? I didin't know it was that bad... geesh.

Fry up or full English breakfast =

fried egg
bacon
sausage
black pudding (blood sausage)
tomato
bread
mushrooms
beans
toast
tea

Sunday morning fry up is just the "best".

 

[Starfish]

I will pass on the blood sausage. *yak*


I am glad you like it so much.




Now I see why foot and mouth is a concern.

 

[alexander tzara]

Scotish food is even worse than English food, they deep fry Mars bars in batter and they do the same with pizza, the Scots also have the worst heart attack rate in europe if not the world.

Yeah but we have bigger cocks.

 

[*Lazer*]

Not only are they bigger.......

but they taste better too

 

[OUTSIDER]

yeah but we to enjoy ours for longer

 

[THEBRAT]

I'm Scottish and I never heard of fryup.Have the Scotts every heard of High Coleseral.Blood Suasage YUCK gag me with a spoon.

 

[OUTSIDER]

I'm Scottish and I never heard of fryup.Have the Scotts every heard of High Coleseral.Blood Suasage YUCK gag me with a spoon.

Fry up is also sometimes called heart attack on a plate but it is fucking lovely on a sunday morning for breakfast and blood sausage is called black pudding over here and is something I was given as a kid and loved.

Mind you if black pudding was called blood sausage I doubt if I'd have ever eaten it, and that would be a shame as it tastes lovely.