The Thread About Your Stories

[shereads]

Nothing to do with Janet Jackson's girls, Michael Jackson's boys, the embarrassing lack of media attention to the Robert Blake murder trial, Dubya, dentistry, footwear, or the fact that Spaulding Gray is still missing...



So. What shall we talk about?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

The importence of being Ernest.

 

[Guest]

nevermind...

 

[MaxSebastian]

Free speech and why politicians hate it.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Can we adopt this in America?...maybe just tack it onto the patriot thingy where no rhyme or sound reason is required)

or

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (No wonder Flipper was always wearing a shit-eating grin...wonder what Dolphins consider kinky or if they have a particular fetish...)

or

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

or

Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

-E (I know they're not the best topics but for all the words we've typed over Janet's breast, I think these qualify as worthy.)

 

[Guest]

How about...

State Fair Has A Cow About Bovine Hairpieces - February 5, 2004 - ©2004 SF Gate

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- Three livestock exhibitors at last year's Ohio State Fair have been disqualified for allegedly outfitting their Holstein cows with hairpieces.

State Fair inspectors said the three glued or painted hair from another part of the animal or from another animal to create straighter backs on the cows and enhance their appearance in the show ring.

Kreg Krebs and his brother Kenneth of Fredericksburg, and Scott Long of Clayton, Mich., could be required to forfeit all winnings, said Department of Agriculture spokeswoman Melanie Wilt. The winnings had been withheld by fair officials.

Wilt said state inspectors at the fair discovered the fake hair when the cows were leaving the show ring on Aug. 10.
The men have 30 days to request a hearing in which they could present their cases to an independent hearing officer.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Not only are dolphins one of two species that have sex for fun as well as reproduing, but they're also one of very few species that masturbate!

A janitor at a big zoo caught a male dolphin masturbating by floating in front of the hole in the wall where water was poured in.

 

[Guest]

Not only are dolphins one of two species that have sex for fun as well as reproduing, but they're also one of very few species that masturbate!

A janitor at a big zoo caught a male dolphin masturbating by floating in front of the hole in the wall where water was poured in.

Good on the dolphins. Chimps do it, too, btw. Particularly when stressed.

I can relate to that.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I saw this documentary about a race of monkeys where they used sex as a way of bonding and greeting. It wasn't so much for sexual pleasure, as for showing affection. It was kind of disturbing to see a baby monkey climb up in an old male monkey's lap, and the old male then held in front of him, and fucked it. He looked like he was masturbating into a thermos!
After a few seconds, he just put the baby down, and it skipped away, chattering cheerfully.

 

[NoJo]

I'm having a terrible time, going through horrible nicotine withdrawal. MAJOR cold sweats. Losing it completely. And, God, I feel like a stressed chimp myself: I was looking at my wife with a crazed expression like I was about to jump her or something half an hour ago: She got up, saying "I know what you need": She must have read my mind: She came in with about ten sticks of celery for me to crunch. I feel SOoo much better. Celery. I ask you. Excuse my rant. Celery overdose.

 

[Guest]

I'm having a terrible time, going through horrible nicotine withdrawal. MAJOR cold sweats. Losing it completely. And, God, I feel like a stressed chimp myself: I was looking at my wife with a crazed expression like I was about to jump her or something half an hour ago: She got up, saying "I know what you need": She must have read my mind: She came in with about ten sticks of celery for me to crunch. I feel SOoo much better. Celery. I ask you. Excuse my rant. Celery overdose.

HAHAHAHA!

Sorry, that made me laugh.

 

[minsue]

Psssst! Joe, come here. I'll give you a drag off my cigarette. Your wife will never know!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

You won't believe this, but here in Sweden, we actually have a saying that goes "Celery will do just as well".

 

[NoJo]

Good. Laughter is a release of tension. My wife is being very annoying, maybe you'll fiund this funny: I'm eating about four bowls of Granola this morning, dangerously frustrated, insane and horny, (although no amount of food or sex is ever going to make up for the pleasure of one cancer stick), she watches my feeding frenzy, and tells me that "getting your oats", which means having sex in the UK, comes from the fact that oats really do make men more horny: Apparently they're full of testostorone. I explained to her that I thought this was a crock of shit. I explained it very loudly. Much too loudly. SO, no sex, no more fucking Granola, no nicotine for me today: Just celery and ranting.

 

[NoJo]

Psssst! Joe, come here. I'll give you a drag off my cigarette. Your wife will never know!

Sorry, she'll smell it on me. Wives. Shit. Mumble. She'll say WHAT DID YOU WASTE ALL THAT MONEY ON HYPNOTHERAPY FOR JUST TO START UP AGAIN? EH? IF YOU'RE THIS WEAK WILLED HOW CAN I TRUST YOU IN OTHER THINGS? EH? EH? NEXT THING IT WILL BE A STEP AEROBICS INTSTUCTRESS INSTEAD OF A CIGARETTE.

My wife is very tolerant. Really, I love her to bits. Small bits.


But thanks for the offer min. Just blow some thissaway.

 

[lewdandlicentious]

Joe,

Been where you are, sympathise strongly.

14 years later, don't regret a thing. It was worth it.

Hold on buddy, take it one day at a time. Keep telling yourself you did it yesterday, you can do it today.

It takes strength, and I wish you bucketfulls.

For me, I drank more. Gave me something to do with my fingers, but strangely, I didn't need a cig as much.

I still peel labels off bottles to this day!!!

A glass of water after every meal helps too. Much of smoking is taste related. Remove the taste of food after every meal and the need isn't so great!

Good luck friend!

 

[shereads]

Not only are dolphins one of two species that have sex for fun as well as reproduing, but they're also one of very few species that masturbate!

A janitor at a big zoo caught a male dolphin masturbating by floating in front of the hole in the wall where water was poured in.

Friend from work went to one of the swim-with-dolphins places in the Keys. (Yes, they are politically incorrect. My own feeling is that after I swim with the dolphins, it should be stopped.) She told me about a large male who kept, um, brushing up against her with his, um, dolphin manhood. ("Dolphinhood.") I asked her if she was afraid of him and she said she was going back.



They do get rough with people sometimes. Pregnant woman are not allowed to swim, because the dolphins become excited, may surround the woman as if to protect her, and might not want to let her out of the pool.

Dolphins also commit murder, if you can call it that. (In disputes over sex and hunting territory; what else?)

So do chimps. Jane Goodall documented a fratricide by an unstable male chimp who was jealous of his mother's attention to a new infant.

We're not all that unique.

 

[Guest]

ella, I like "dolphinhood", but then what would the female's 'down there' be called? or is it 'under there'?

 

[NoJo]

Aren't dolphins the only other animal that does it "missionary"? I wonder what they do for a little variety?

 

[Guest]

Dolphins also do a perfect zipless fuck.

Perdita

 

[shereads]

ella, I like "dolphinhood", but then what would the female's 'down there' be called? or is it 'under there'?

"Back there."

 

[Guest]

"Back there."

Well, as a supporter of feminist dolphins I do think they deserve some kind of 'hood' too.

Perdita

 

[shereads]

Not only are dolphins one of two species that have sex for fun as well as reproduing, but they're also one of very few species that masturbate!

A janitor at a big zoo caught a male dolphin masturbating by floating in front of the hole in the wall where water was poured in.

The animal should be warned, in whatever system of squeaks, whistles or hand signals is deemed best, about the embarrassing and near-tragic result of a pool filtration system flirtation, which happened to a Miami man at a motel a few years ago.

He became swollen somehow and couldn't remove himself from the, uh, object of his affection, and had to scream for help at 3 a.m., to the delight of the hotel manager who called 911, the 911 operator, and the emergency rescue crew she summoned, none of whom could stop laughing. The 911 tapes of the incident were played repeatedly on local TV and radio for a week.

Perhaps dolphins are immune to embarrassment, but they can still get stuck in things if they become, um, overexcited. I should imagine.

Or should I?

No. I shouldn't. Nevermind.

 

[shereads]

Dolphins also do a perfect zipless fuck.

Perdita

As opposed to the zippy fuck, a specialty of small birds.

Each morning this time of year, several wild gray doves gather around the bird feeder here at the Decaying Jungle Compound. One poor female dove is forever attempting to have a few seeds for breakfast, while half a dozen males chase her around the deck, taking turns donating their (pardon me, Mindy) seed.

She exhausts herself for a while trying to make them go away, then she just ignores them and eats during their zippy fucks. Each male dove seems to enjoy himself for all of half a second before collapsing, exhausted, to smoke a cigarette and brag around his conquest to the other five boys.

 

[MathGirl]

She came in with about ten sticks of celery for me.

Dear SJoe,
I suppose you ignored and KY Jelly she brought along with the celery and just ate it. <sigh>
MG