The Stranger

shia1

Virgin
Joined
Sep 30, 2008
Posts
22
The Stranger


On this night the dark hung like a thick velvet curtain. The air was heavy with fog and made it difficult to breathe. Footsteps clicked on the old the brick road. Catching her heel in the groves occasionally and almost twisting her ankle. It was fall, the air crisp, the fog covering it like a blanket helped to keep the chilled air from actually moving.

She was scared walking alone through the streets. Especially when staying with friends for one last drink kept her way longer than she wanted. The streets were deserted and she had a sense something, or someone was watching her.

Turning her head in all directions, she could see no one. A sigh of relief and she hummed a soft tune just to keep her unafraid. She appeared confident in her stride, and she clutched the strap of the shoulder bag tightly as she walked.

She thought of her breakup with Terry, and how she still ached for him. A tear slid to the corner of her eye like a dew drop on a morning peach. Where did they go wrong? Ten months of bliss, laughter, passion and intelligent discussions. They were not bored with each other, perhaps just grew apart. Each wanting more of each other than the other wanted, or could give.

Her apartment was less than a block away and she breathed a sigh of relief knowing she would be home in a few moments. She approached with a smile and a breath of security, she was home.

Suddenly there was a man in a dark suit standing on the porch to her apartment. She had not noticed him as she walked, maybe when she turned her head or blinked, he took his place there. She bit the inside of her cheek softly and her breathing quickened. She was frightened.

She climbed the steps, her heels clicked and echoed on the smooth gray cement. She wanted to avoid eye contact but he somehow forced her to look upward into his face. “Good evening.” He said clear and loud enough to hear. She forced a smile and nodded, but said nothing in return. She moved past him and uneasily put her key into the door. As she turned the key he stated he was waiting for someone and could she please let him in, the air was now moist with a soft patter of raindrops. She shook her head and said, “I really shouldn’t, and perhaps your friend will arrive shortly.” She turned the key again and the door opened, she slid her foot inside the door, barely opening it. “Fine” he said, and lit a cigarette. “No problem I can wait a little longer.” He smiled and it seemed like a warm smile, not threatening. She thought about the rain and her foot still in the door she said “OK, I can let you into the vestibule but you will have to wait for your friend there.” He nodded with another smile and she pushed open the door. Taking her other key she unlocked the second door and went in, letting the door close behind her, or so she thought.

He had taken his lighter and slid it into the doorway, and the door closed onto it. Making a clicking sound as if the door closed tightly behind her. She ignored the man, wanting to forget she even let him in the first door and took the elevator up to the fourth floor. Her room number 403 was near the elevator and took her but a minute to be safe behind her closed door. The room was dark and she flipped on the light with a sigh of relief.

Suddenly she remembered she had not checked her mail. The man had distracted her and she muttered “Fuck, god damn it” and slipped back on her shoes and grabbed her keys and left the apartment to retrieve her mail. On the elevator she hoped the man had left because she would have to go into the small vestibule for her mail. The doors opened to the lobby and she stepped out relived the man had gone. Although for a moment she felt somewhat disappointed, he was attractive. Perhaps she missed her chance for a new meeting! She muttered to herself “whatever” and checked her mail and turned to leave the area when she noticed the man standing inside the building. She pursed her lips in thought and thought maybe his friend and he met and he was just leaving. Slipping past the unlocked door she stepped inside the hall. “So, we meet again,” he said with a boyish grin and sparkling eyes. “My name is Ramón” still smiling he gave a nod, maintaining that grin. My name is Lisabette, everyone calls me Lisa.” She was tall and had long dark hair; she was beautiful in a different kind of way. Her build was thin but somewhat stocky on the bottom. She hated her figure and becoming aware of it now, smiled and nervously ran her hand over her waist and hip. He noticed the movement, but kept his eyes on hers. “Well I see your friend let you in, all is well then?” “Yes, thank you!” She nodded and began to walk away and he asked softly. “Would you care to get a cup of coffee somewhere?” “I know it’s late but, I have traveled such a distance for a short meeting, I am tired and could use the caffeine.” Again she bit the inside of her cheek softly, he was handsome, dressed well with polite manners, and she was alone. “Well, there really is nothing close to here open, we could catch a cab, but why don’t you come up to my apartment and I will make you a cup!” She was shocked at her own words, was she totally desperate, or lonely, or just plain crazy!

“Sure” he said with a softer smile and followed her to the elevator. Nervously she pushed the up button and thought to herself that this guy could be a mass murder. Somehow she doubted that and pushed it from her mind. He was so handsome, Spanish decent, coffee and cream colored skin. He was a beautiful man. His dark hair laid a little curled on his collar and he had one dimple on his cheek that showed when he smiled. The elevators door opened with a thump of the elevator floor and he followed her out. Again, she offered a smile as she opened the door to her apartment. It was tidy; she would not be embarrassed she thought to herself.

“Come in and have a seat, I will make us some coffee.” She said quietly.

He sat down on an overstuffed raspberry colored chair, the satin glided his body to the back and he sat quietly sinking down into the cushion of the chair. She made the coffee and shook her head in disbelief that she actually invited a stranger into her apartment. She was nervous, yet somewhat curious and excited. Thoughts raced through her mind. She had not had sex in seven weeks and she was thinking about this stranger and she shivered. What made her think about sex? “God damn it” she muttered to herself and came from the kitchen, two cups of coffee in hand.

He sat quietly with a smile and took the coffee from her, thanking her as he did. His eyes were deep set and noticed a little twinkle in them as she slid to the couch, kicking off her heels.

The quiet was deafening for a moment and she cleared her throat, sipped her coffee and said softly. “Where are you from Ramón?” Smiling after taking a long sip of Coffee he said “Boston, but originally from Miami” She nodded taking another slow sip of steaming coffee and smiled. He leaned forward and said with a grin. “We both know it’s not the coffee that draws us together, you feel it the same as I do” She was stunned, enraged, and wished she could just get the courage to ask him to leave. “You are presumptuous, aren’t you?” She said glaring slightly at him. “I wanted nothing more from you than some decent conversation.” She lied, she was interested in him, he was handsome and she was attracted to him. More than that, it was the fear of the unknown; he had a mystique about him. She noticed that on his right hand, the nail of his pinky finger was longer than the rest and somewhat pointy. She pursed her lips softly and thought a moment to herself. Why would he have that, maybe he snorts cocaine? Dismissing her thoughts, the man in the raspberry chair was staring at her, looking her over was more like it. She was becoming uncomfortable with his roaming eyes.

“Say” he said with a smile… “Let’s play a little game, ok?” She frowned and thought ok, what is he up to and what kind of game he was talking about. “Stand” he said, somewhat demanding. She shivered and actually stood at his command. “I am going to blindfold you, have you reach out your hand and tell me what I have placed into it” She nervously rocked back and forth on her feet and nodded to him. He removed his tie, and blindfolded her, so carefully so he did not pull her hair. She thought that was nice and smiled under the dark tie.

He reached for her arm and guided her hand to stretch outward and in her palm he circled with his finer a heart shape. She shivered again and whispered, “I know what that was” He grinned and said the game has not started yet and with that placed his silver, monogrammed lighter in her hand. She rolled it around her fingers and palm. The silver was cool, almost cold and she grinned to herself knowing what it was. “It is a lighter” she smiled broadly and proud that she had made her first guess. “Correct” he said, letting his lips touch the silk tie next to her ear. She felt his warm breath and she trembled slightly, excited about the game, and excited by his sexiness. He cupped the back of her hand and placed a quarter in it. She laughed softly and whispered “It’s a quarter.” He squeezed her hand around the quarter and opened it and took it. He paused and looked at her for quite a long time, before placing his wallet in her hand. She remarked how silly it was and she guessed these things too easily, “You must have something harder?” He laughed out loud, it echoed in her apartment and with that he slowly unzipped his zipper, lowering her hand to his cock he muttered. “Yes much harder” Her fingers flinched and he grabbed her hand covering it and making sure her fingers wrapped around his engorged cock. It was pulsing in her palm and she bit her lip and didn’t make an effort to remove her hand. Slowly he moved her hand back and forth, her palm and fingers gliding over his velvety cock. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest; she swore he could hear it. Her breathing quickened, his moans became louder. Then he stopped her, uncurling her fingers from his cock. “You are beautiful, I need you.” She melted and began to reach up to take the tie from her head. He stopped her and leaned and ran his tongue under the tie and along the side of her neck. She was in need for his love, she wanted him to make love to her, and she fell back against him. His tongue trailed along the silk tie, front and back, then down the side of her neck again. He flicked the tip just under the tie and she let out a primal moan.



He knew she was ready to make love; he took her hand and led her to the bedroom. It was tiny, neat and colorful. He smiled again as he turned her around to face him. His hands reached to her shoulders and slid like a tear drop down the sides of them. Then back up, to her back he unzipped her dress slowly. She hesitated and shook her head in thought. “Please” she murmured. “I…I.. Don’t think I can do this” He knew she would and could. His fingers reached in under her dress at the shoulders and slowly lowered her dress down and around her ankles. He bent down and with the back of his hand reached behind her ankle and lifted each foot, he took the dress and laid it across her desk. “You are so beautiful.” He leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth, she parted her lips against his and he plunged his tongue deep into her. She gasped and teased his tongue with her own. He placed his hands on her ribs and tickled his way to her back once again, this time unfastening her bra, sliding that too from her shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. He reached for her breast, palming it and stroking her nipple, and then with a soft squeeze he leaned down to take it in his mouth. He suckled it for a few moments and at the same time slipped his fingers into the waistband of her panties. Her undergarments were black just as her dress was; he thought how sexy she was. She stood nude except for the blindfold the silk tie knotted at the back of her head, its tails tickling the nape of her neck. She could smell his cologne, expensive and not overpowering. His hands reached her hips and he pulled her closer to him, his cock still hard and out of his pants, not against her bare skin. He kissed her deeply; she kissed him back moistly and hotly.

He backed her up to the bed and had her sit down at the edge. His hands nudged her knees apart and he slid his fingers against her pussy. She moaned at his teasing again and again. He never entered her, just playfully, strategically brushed his fingers against her. She could feel him stirring and then he too removed his clothing, she wished she could see him, but left the blindfold in place. He knelt between her knees and lowered his head to her pussy. He inhaled her scent and with a long pass of his tongue, made her pussy wet and slick. His hands grabbed her thighs and he began to part the full, puffy lips of her pussy, and entered her with a grunt and a firm push of his tongue. He slid his hands to her hips and began a rhythmic movement of her hips while his tongue was exploring her inner walls. So wet, and slippery.



She could hardly stand anymore and whispered “Please… Please, stop, I don’t want to cum yet.”

He laughed softly and gave her another slow pass of his tongue and rose. His lips were shiny and wet.

She raised her hands to remove the tie, he whispered “Not yet.” She complied willingly and placed her hands on the bed, waiting for his next move. He sensed her uneasiness and placed his hand upon her shoulder. “Don’t worry, I am not going to hurt you, nor do anything you don’t want to do. You must trust me.” His words were like charcoal coals, burning into her flesh. She was hot and wanting, she waited.

He reached for one of her pillows and slid it to the middle of the bed, he adjusted how she sat and moved her around so she faced the bed and he helped slide her to her belly, placing the pillow just under it.

Her ass was in the air and she felt self conscious about it, however he was smart, the blindfold eased her tensions somewhat.

His hands slid to her inner thighs and he crawled onto the bed and over her. He whispered naughtily into her ear. It was muffled by the tie, but she knew exactly what he was saying, and what he was going to do to her.

“I’m going to fuck you, hard and good” he whispered softly against the tie. “I’m going to make you beg for more, and when you are done we will do it again.” She trembled again, this time from his words, she was still scared but her senses were heightened. His hands groped her, his palms moving over her skin like how she rubbed her hands together to keep warm. Fast, hot, rough. He lay between her thighs, nudging them to open wider with his knees. His fingers split her pussy lips and with a deep plunge he entered her and remained still for a moment. She could feel his cock twitching inside her, he was so hard. She was wet, and she lifted her hips from the bed and pushed her ass against his groin, needful.

He began to ride her, slowly, her hips moving up and down with his movement. He would change it on her, round and round, up and down, deep and fast. She pushed her face into the bed, her nails digging into the blanket on the bed. He began to move faster, harder, she screamed out for more. The slapping of their bodies echoed in the room, her ass was jiggling against his thrusts. She lifted her ass higher so he could move deeper into her. She was going to cum, and then with a few deep thrusts she came. Crying out “Bastard!” “Fuck you, damnit.” He laughed and smacked her softly on the ass, his cock still moving inside her slowly. “Oh come now, you enjoyed that didn’t you?” She laughed softly and nodded her head. “Bastard” she whispered and he reached up and removed the tie, slipping his wet, hard cock from her pussy. She rolled onto her back to look at him, he was smiling a devilish grin and gave her a wink. “Oh you’re so proud of yourself. You made me cum, you made me make love” she said with a half smile, still breathing heavy. “No, I didn’t make you, I led you to do it” “You just followed, what a good girl, you are.”

While he spoke she moved under his weight, reached between them and grabbed his cock, it was warm and wet, she palmed it and then ran her hand over her belly, as if to rub his love into her skin.

This stranger had made her cum, harder then she had ever cum before. She didn’t feel like he was a stranger. She stared into his face and wondered where she had seen him before. She furrowed her eyebrows in thought, knowing for sure his face was familiar. “Ramón where do you live, what do you do, how old are you. She kept the questions flowing, she knew him. He smiled and said he lived near, walked to work and had seen her many times before. She was no stranger to him, at least for the last six months on his job. How could that be, she dated rarely since her break up. She usually only dated men from Wall Street or a law firm. She had good taste in men, where did he see her. “Well he said you would find out sooner or later. Usually I am dressed in a white jump suit and maintain this building. I borrowed this suit from my brother and I came here tonight just for you.”

She was shocked, pissed, how could he have made her do these things. How could he have made her cum so hard? She knew the maintenance man worked on the building, she never bothered to look at his face or speak to him. Now she slept with him!

She was silent for a moment and softly smiled, she could tell he was ashamed and knew he was not in her league. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek and murmured, “It was the best fuck I ever had, and I don’t care what you do at your job.” They both laughed and fell into each others arms again, she wrapping her legs around him, encouraging him to enter her again. She didn’t think of anything but how kind he was, how gentle and the god damn way he made her cum. It was worth every minute, even though she knew it wouldn’t last. She wanted him.


shia

http://shia1.wordpress.com
 
I'm always a bit puzzled by posts like this. :confused:

You do know that you can submit stories straight to the site, don't you? They'll get read by a lot more people on the main site than here on the feedback forum.

Are you after feedback? I'm guessing you are, but are you after advice about anything specific? You know, pacing, grammar, punctuation, plot?

Hmm.

Okay, well to start with, you need an editor. Doesn't have to be anyone particularly qualified to do the job, just someone who can read, who can tell you that some of your sentences aren't actually sentences. For example,

Footsteps clicked on the old the brick road.

and

A sigh of relief and she hummed a soft tune just to keep her unafraid.

The punctuation of much of your dialogue is decidedly iffy too. For example, this

“Come in and have a seat, I will make us some coffee.” She said quietly.

should be

"Come in and have a seat. I will make us some coffee," she said quietly.

The basic plot was okay-ish. But we never find out what he was doing there. He was supposed to have been there visiting a friend, but although we know that the friend let him in, that's the last we hear of the friend. Is it believable that Lisa would simply forget, given that she took such care to keep herself safe at the beginning of the story?

Anyway, I won't go on, because I'm not sure whether feedback like this is what you're wanting.
 
Hi, No I am unsure where to post them, other than here. But if you can let me know that would be great!

Thanks for taking the time to read and Crit. I am pretty sure you are right about the Stranger. I should have read it and written it better. These are my first attempts and any crit,. is helpful.

Thanks again

shia

http://shia1.wordpress.com
 
On the front page of the site, there's a list of links towards the bottom: "Stories & Pics," "Toys & Videos," etc. In that list, click "Submit."

The header at the top of the next page is "Contact Information." Underneath that, it says, "If you would like to submit..." - click on "submit" (it's a link).

Next page: "To Submit to Literotica" - under the header, it says "If you have an account on our Bulletin Board, then you can submit using the same name and password via this link" - click on "link." That takes you to your member page.

In the menu running down the left hand side of the page, click on "Submissions."

Then click on "Submit."

Choose "Submit Story" or "Submit Poem."

  • Fill in the title
  • Fill in the description (tagline)
  • Choose a category from the drop list
  • Paste your story into the large "story text" box
  • Choose to allow voting and/or public comments
  • Click "Preview"
  • if you are satisfied with how it looks, click "submit"

It will show up now on your member submissions page as "pending." DO NOT CLICK THE PENDING LINK. If you do so, you send your story to the back of the queue for approval.
 
On this night (cut this phrase, it's awkward) The dark hung like a thick velvet curtain, and the air was heavy with fog. (cut this part...fog does not make it "difficult to breathe" - and made it difficult to breathe.) Footsteps clicked on the old the brick road. (Who's footsteps? This is just out of left field) Catching her heel in the groves occasionally and almost twisting her ankle. (Sentence fragment, and it makes no sense...what "groves"? "Occasionally" is odd to me, too. After tripping once, aren't you more careful? Try something like: She had to be careful on the old sidewalk. She'd already come close to falling on her face more than once. It was fall, (cut this phrase. Show us it's Fall, don't tell us) tThe air was crisp; the fog covered it like a blanket andhelped to keep the chilled air from actually moving. (I don't think it can be crisp and foggy at the same time. You need to make up your mind.)

She was scared walking alone (cut this: through the streets}, especially since she'd stayed with friends for one last drink , and they'd closed the bar down (I'd cut this too: kept her way longer than she wanted.) The streets were deserted and she had a sense something, or someone was watching her. (Again, show us, don't tell us. Try something like: The late hour made her feel unbalanced, as if someone was watching her intently. She glanced nervously behind her, but the street was empty.)

(I would cut this entire paragraph: Turning her head in all directions, she could see no one. A sigh of relief and she hummed a soft tune just to keep her unafraid. She appeared confident in her stride, and she clutched the strap of the shoulder bag tightly as she walked.)

You're very wordy, aren't you? :) Don't try so hard. It reads like you were uber-concious that you were writing.

I didn't do anymore....it's a little much to tackle, but that should give you some idea. Hope it helps.
 
You helped, and yes I must be wordy!!!!!!!!!!!

I have alot to practice and I can see it more clearly when someone points it out. Thanks for doing that and taking the time to read and crit.

shia

http://shia1.wordpress.com
 
Cloudy,

Do you mean where your story gets approved or declined? Sorry I am new at this site and having a little difficulty maneuvering around.

Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

shia

http://shia1.wordpress.com
 
Hi, No I am unsure where to post them, other than here. But if you can let me know that would be great!

Thanks for taking the time to read and Crit. I am pretty sure you are right about the Stranger. I should have read it and written it better. These are my first attempts and any crit,. is helpful.

Thanks again

shia

http://shia1.wordpress.com

Aw, now I feel like I was being really mean. I apologise if I caused you any offence. For a newbie, your story wasn't too bad at all. You've definitely got potential and submitting stories here is a great way of finding out how to get better.

Right, submitting stories. The first page you need is this one:

http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Then if you click on the blue words near the top that say 'this link' you'll be taken to a page that should say:

shia1's Literotica Control Panel.

From there you should be able to see the links for submitting your work to the site. You'll know you're on the right page when you see these words at the top:

Thank you for deciding to submit your writing to Literotica. By submitting your work to this site, you are granting us the non-exclusive right to publish your submission, and to use all legal means to protect submitted work from unauthorized use by other parties. You retain all copyrights to your submission. To submit a work to this site, you must agree that you own the copyright to the submission, that you are over 18 years old, and that it is legal to view adult material in your area. If you agree to these terms, please check the box below. If you agree to these terms, please check the box below.

You can paste your text into the box and submit your story that way, or attach it as a Word document etc.


Hope this helps! :)
 
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