The Stranger

[DorianSolari]

Redacted by author due to the fact that it is in breach of forum regulations.

For more information, read the thread responses

 

[DorianSolari]

Hi all,

This is my very first literotica story. I've been wanting to write lit for a while, just never gotten round to actually doing it. Then today, I got this idea for this brief story, came home and jotted it down quickly.

I'd love to hear what you think about it. Constructive criticism is always welcome. And I really do hope you enjoy reading it

 

[Shaeobrien]

Great start! Way to jump right into it. The preface is very sexy. Here are some things I wondered as I read it...

-where are they? (Elevator button, leather chair, clues make me unsure)
-is he actually touching her or is she just imagining it? (Unclear)
-how long does this moment last? (Lack of description makes me think less than a minute)

Hope to read more of your writing in the future!

 

[RandyD1369]

This is an excellent vignette. Is it the beginning or the end of the story? If it's the whole story, it won't meet Lit's 750 word minimum for publishing. Personally, I'd omit the word "done" in the next to last sentence, but I'm an American, a Brit would probably like it as is. Great job, either way. Congrats!

 

[DorianSolari]

Great start! Way to jump right into it. The preface is very sexy. Here are some things I wondered as I read it...

-where are they? (Elevator button, leather chair, clues make me unsure)
-is he actually touching her or is she just imagining it? (Unclear)
-how long does this moment last? (Lack of description makes me think less than a minute)

Hope to read more of your writing in the future!

Thanks for your feedback. I'm really glad you liked it.

In answer to your questions:

1. Wherever you want them to be
2. Depends on whether you want him to touch her or not
3. As long as you want it to last

I'm not being difficult. I wanted these details to be vague. The whole point of this story is to let the reader slip into the story and give it whatever shape they want. In fact, you'll notice that I stayed away completely from any form of physical description. Fat, thin, tall, shart, big breasts, small breasts, muscular, flabby. None of it matters. What matters is what's in the reader's mind. At least that's the way I like it when I read a story, so I like to run with that

 

[DorianSolari]

This is an excellent vignette. Is it the beginning or the end of the story? If it's the whole story, it won't meet Lit's 750 word minimum for publishing. Personally, I'd omit the word "done" in the next to last sentence, but I'm an American, a Brit would probably like it as is. Great job, either way. Congrats!

Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked the story

It's a standalone vignette and I'll keep it that way. I might revisit the characters in another story, but I don't feel the need to right now.

I see what you mean about the word "done", and now that you mention it, I agree with you. That said, I'm gonna leave it as it is and move on to the next story. It's my philosophy that in order to create better things, you need to create as fast and as often as possible. Going back to edit only slows down the process. It's a thought process that I've adopted after many years of being a musician and a commercial writer (I'm a direct-response copywriter). But that's a topic for another day.

Thanks again for the great feedback. Much appreciated

 

[Charrla]

I like it. It's short, sweet, a little different, and nicely written.

There are some small changes I would make if I were your editor. Feel free to read or not, take seriously or not; this is for my own practice. Don't take this to mean that your vignette is written poorly. It's good for this site, in my opinion. These are just criticisms that a stickler of an editor might make. My usage guides are the Chicago Manual of Style and Merriam-Webster.

1) "Standing there with his back towards her, wearing a long trench coat and hat, she could barely see him properly."

This is a dangling modifier. The subject in the beginning (in the modifier) is the man. But by the end of the sentence, it's the woman. The two parts are grammatically unconnected. If you eliminated the middle of the sentence, it would read
"Standing there...she could barely see him properly." See how the subject has gotten murky? If you said,
"Standing there with his back toward her, wearing a long trench coat and hat, he [verb etc.]," then the subject would be consistent throughout the sentence. But a better idea would probably be to just rework the sentence.

2) "...she moved her hands up to the sides of her breast and squeezed hard, massaging them."

I assume you meant breasts, plural. Also, it sounds like she's squeezing the sides of her breasts. Maybe eliminate "the sides of." I might actually have put a little more description here. How is she massaging her breasts? Do the nipples get into it? And "squeezed hard" sounds a little uncomfortable, to be honest. I might change that to something with a little more nuance.

3) "She should have been worried about someone hearing her; about someone noticing."

To use a semicolon in this sentence, both sides need to be independent clauses, meaning that they need to be able to stand alone as complete sentences. "About someone noticing" would not pass as a complete sentence. Just a comma will do here, although you could get away with an em dash if you wanted something a little more interesting. (An em dash is the equivalent of two hyphens, more or less.)

4) "One final, passionate moan left her body, and with it, the tides of orgasm receded, leaving her in a blissful state."

I just thought this was a really nicely done sentence.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

It's a standalone vignette and I'll keep it that way. I might revisit the characters in another story, but I don't feel the need to right now.

I've read it over a couple of times now, and I have to say I'm conflicted.
So, for whatever they're worth to you, here are my thoughts.

1) You circumvented the submission and approval process by posting this here, rather than filling it out well enough to get published as a story. Frankly, that bothers me. Laurel (the person who's run this site since its inception) has her rules and processes for reasons that are important to her. I find it disrespectful to so obviously go around those.

2) I did find the language and descriptions to be vivid and interesting. For it to be as short and vague as it is, you did a good job of conveying a scene.

However, 3), the scene made so sense to me. Absent any larger context, you had a woman watching a man standing and waiting for an elevator. What she can see of him is contrary to the physical characteristics of men she's usually attracted to. She can't see much of him at all. But somehow, she's instantly aroused to the extent that she forgets all propriety and orgasms from *imagining* him touching her. Frankly, I found that ridiculous. If you had taken the time to add some more context and created some sort of backstory or larger interaction, then you could have made it plausible.

As a sketch of an idea, I think you've got something. But as you've posted it? There's nothing there.

 

[DarkPleasures]

1) You circumvented the submission and approval process by posting this here, rather than filling it out well enough to get published as a story. Frankly, that bothers me. Laurel (the person who's run this site since its inception) has her rules and processes for reasons that are important to her. I find it disrespectful to so obviously go around those.

I agree 100% and up until now refrained from posting here. 750 is a short story (and allowed on Lit). This scene is not a story.

However, 3), the scene made no sense to me. Absent any larger context, you had a woman watching a man standing and waiting for an elevator. What she can see of him is contrary to the physical characteristics of men she's usually attracted to. She can't see much of him at all. But somehow, she's instantly aroused to the extent that she forgets all propriety and orgasms from *imagining* him touching her. Frankly, I found that ridiculous. If you had taken the time to add some more context and created some sort of backstory or larger interaction, then you could have made it plausible.

As a sketch of an idea, I think you've got something. But as you've posted it? There's nothing there.

I agree with this as well.

 

[Jada59]

I've read it over a couple of times now, and I have to say I'm conflicted.
So, for whatever they're worth to you, here are my thoughts.

1) You circumvented the submission and approval process by posting this here, rather than filling it out well enough to get published as a story. Frankly, that bothers me. Laurel (the person who's run this site since its inception) has her rules and processes for reasons that are important to her. I find it disrespectful to so obviously go around those.

2) I did find the language and descriptions to be vivid and interesting. For it to be as short and vague as it is, you did a good job of conveying a scene.

However, 3), the scene made so sense to me. Absent any larger context, you had a woman watching a man standing and waiting for an elevator. What she can see of him is contrary to the physical characteristics of men she's usually attracted to. She can't see much of him at all. But somehow, she's instantly aroused to the extent that she forgets all propriety and orgasms from *imagining* him touching her. Frankly, I found that ridiculous. If you had taken the time to add some more context and created some sort of backstory or larger interaction, then you could have made it plausible.

As a sketch of an idea, I think you've got something. But as you've posted it? There's nothing there.

I pretty much agree with you!

 

[DorianSolari]

I like it. It's short, sweet, a little different, and nicely written.

There are some small changes I would make if I were your editor.

Hi Charrla,

I agree with all of the edits you suggested. Thank you for taking the time to point them out. I'll keep them in mind for my next story.

Glad you liked it

 

[DorianSolari]

I've read it over a couple of times now, and I have to say I'm conflicted.
So, for whatever they're worth to you, here are my thoughts.

1) You circumvented the submission and approval process by posting this here, rather than filling it out well enough to get published as a story. Frankly, that bothers me. Laurel (the person who's run this site since its inception) has her rules and processes for reasons that are important to her. I find it disrespectful to so obviously go around those.

2) I did find the language and descriptions to be vivid and interesting. For it to be as short and vague as it is, you did a good job of conveying a scene.

However, 3), the scene made so sense to me. Absent any larger context, you had a woman watching a man standing and waiting for an elevator. What she can see of him is contrary to the physical characteristics of men she's usually attracted to. She can't see much of him at all. But somehow, she's instantly aroused to the extent that she forgets all propriety and orgasms from *imagining* him touching her. Frankly, I found that ridiculous. If you had taken the time to add some more context and created some sort of backstory or larger interaction, then you could have made it plausible.

As a sketch of an idea, I think you've got something. But as you've posted it? There's nothing there.

Hi BelleCanzuto,

About 1 - The word "circumvent" is a little bit unfair, because it implies I did it intentionally and maliciously, which is not true. I came home enthusiastic about writing the story (or "vignette" if you'd rather call it that) and posting it here to see what the community thinks. My mistake was that I hadn't checked the rules properly. But it was a mistake, not an attempt at going around them.

About 2 - Thank you. I appreciate that.

About 3 - Here we enter into the realm of opinion and tastes. The story didn't work for you. That's perfectly fine and I understand where you're coming from.

Here's the thing. Not all stories will appeal to everyone. This one is intentionally vague. I wanted to try to get the reader to do all of the imagination, with a little guidance and nudging here and there. Who is the stranger? What would he look like? What does the protagonist look like? Is she a hot, young secretary, or a plump, middle-aged government employee who has been neglected and lovesick for many years? It's really up to the reader.

I agree, this approach doesn't work for everyone. Eventually, I might write a story where I go into more detail, and you might like that one because it will appeal more to what tickles your fancy.

This has only been my first story. I'm still exploring my lit writing. I still need to decide what I enjoy writing, and how my ratio of "what I enjoy vs what everyone enjoys" needs to be. I'll get there only by writing a ton of stories. No other way around it.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm quite pleased with this little story. It works for me as a reader, which is exactly what I wanted to achieve. It's not perfect, but thanks to the feedback of the community I'll learn for the next one.

And finally, with regards to length, I don't think a story should have a minimum or maximum word count for it to qualify as such. Even a one-liner can be a story. I understand and appreciate that this forum has its rules, and I'll abide by them in the future because I am nothing more than a guest here. But as far as terminology goes, I consider this a story regardless of length. Of course, we agree to disagree.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

These are the forum’s story feedback rules.

Laurel, the site owner, is quite specific about what is/not allowed on the forum. Her allowances for discussion are very broad, but the underlying restriction is precisely that stories first be published on the Literotica site. “Circumvent” may sting your ego, but it fits.

In the real world, a story may be as short as a sentence, but on Literotica, 750-words is the minimum submission length. You should expand your idea to 750 words, publish to the site and then return with a link to your story to start a discussion/feedback thread. Once you’ve written your story, other resources for self-promoting are the New Story Advertisement sticky and participation in the site contests. There’s even a 750-word story event currently going on that you could submit this to.

Welcome to the forum. Take some time to read the site and forum rules, and when you have a chance, stop by the Author Hangout to introduce yourself. Hope this helps!

 

[NotWise]

In the real world, a story may be as short as a sentence, but on Literotica, 750-words is the minimum submission length. You should expand your idea to 750 words, publish to the site and then return with a link to your story to start a discussion/feedback thread.

Flash fiction has its own appeal. The alternative to expanding your story to the point where it's no longer flash fiction is to combine several flash-fiction stories into one publication. The total word count has to be over 750. The count on each story does not.

We have a respected participant here who writes 50-word stories and combines fifteen of them to make the minimum 750 words.

 

[DorianSolari]

Ok, so it seems the community feels my story doesn't belong here. That's ok. I'll redact it so as not to upset anyone.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Flash fiction has its own appeal. The alternative to expanding your story to the point where it's no longer flash fiction is to combine several flash-fiction stories into one publication. The total word count has to be over 750. The count on each story does not.

We have a respected participant here who writes 50-word stories and combines fifteen of them to make the minimum 750 words.

Great point, thanks NW.
You could combine this with the next musings you have (or, even with your notes about why you wrote this story) to meet the 750-word submission minimum.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Ok, so it seems the community feels my story doesn't belong here. That's ok. I'll redact it so as not to upset anyone.

Thank you for your time.

It's not that it "upsets" anyone, it's just that folk are pointing out site policy which is tightly policed - not to mean or nasty but to make sure that content that is not allowed doesn't get posted.

It's clear to me that you made an honest mistake in your enthusiasm, and you've done the right thing by redacting your content. That's being responsible to your new community, and I for one respect that.

This has only been my first story. I'm still exploring my lit writing. I still need to decide what I enjoy writing, and how my ratio of "what I enjoy vs what everyone enjoys" needs to be. I'll get there only by writing a ton of stories. No other way around it.

My advice (after nearly ninety stories/chapters) is to write what you enjoy - and you will find readers. Writing "what readers want" is a mug's game because they only indirectly tell you what they want, and there are millions of them, with a spectrum of diametrically opposed tastes. Unless all you want is bums on seats, in which case, just write Incest stories.

But the "ton of stories" thing - yes. Get a hundred thousand words under your belt, and you'll have an idea of your style, you'll have learned your technical chops. That's when you really start to write. Hang in there, give it a go, and take the punches as well as the flowers. Just like the rest of us did. You'll be fine .

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Hi BelleCanzuto,

About 1 - The word "circumvent" is a little bit unfair, because it implies I did it intentionally and maliciously, which is not true. I came home enthusiastic about writing the story (or "vignette" if you'd rather call it that) and posting it here to see what the community thinks. My mistake was that I hadn't checked the rules properly. But it was a mistake, not an attempt at going around them.

I chose "circumvent" quite deliberately. My first choice of word was "evade" and the second one that came to mind was "defy". It didn't strike me as any kind of mistake to put your scene here rather than going through the regular submission process. All of us did the research to find out the submission process before we posted our first story. I had no reason to believe that you hadn't.

I appreciate you reconsidering the posting and hope that you do find a way to either expand this story or combine it with another to meet the minimum word requirement.

About 2 - Thank you. I appreciate that.

About 3 - Here we enter into the realm of opinion and tastes. The story didn't work for you. That's perfectly fine and I understand where you're coming from.

Here's the thing. Not all stories will appeal to everyone. This one is intentionally vague. I wanted to try to get the reader to do all of the imagination, with a little guidance and nudging here and there. Who is the stranger? What would he look like? What does the protagonist look like? Is she a hot, young secretary, or a plump, middle-aged government employee who has been neglected and lovesick for many years? It's really up to the reader.

I agree, this approach doesn't work for everyone. Eventually, I might write a story where I go into more detail, and you might like that one because it will appeal more to what tickles your fancy.

Of course that was just my opinion. On a forum called "Story Feedback" opinions are what you're going to get. But, to be clear, my reaction was not about the vagueness of your story. I've written many vague stories, and read and enjoyed stories in which many details are left to the reader's imagination. My reaction was based on the internal inconsistencies in your story.

At the beginning of your story, you stated two things explicilty about your main character: 1) that she didn't usually act like this, and 2) that the man she was looking at did *not* match the physical characteristics of men she was usually attracted to. If that's the basis on which we readers have to assess your character's behavior, then nothing else she does makes sense. If you had added just a line or two about what she found compelling about him, that would have changed things for me. A sentence or two about how he came to her notice, an interaction they'd had earlier, or anything else that might serve as a hint as to why she was suddenly physically compelled act the way she did, would have helped. But as your draft stood, there was none of that.

If you want a character to go against type, don't just let me know what the character's usual type is. Let me know, or at least give me a hint, as to why they're no longer acting that way. It didn't matter to me what she looked like. It didn't bother me that you hadn't spelled out her backstory.
But, without that guide to understand your characters internal motivation for hands free masturbation in public, then what you're describing is just bizarre behavior.

Obviously, this is all still just my opinion. And it's a pitfall almost all of us (myself included) have fallen into. Happy writing.