The Story of T

[scorpio 1949]

Have posted The Story of T and would like some feedback--The Story of T will be a continuing saga and I want to make each one a bit better, so let me know what you think.

 

[PaulX35]

Link please?

When asking for feedback you should make things as easy as possible. You can add a link to your story easily. I would do that.

 

[scorpio 1949]

Thanks

Thanks for the suggestion Paul--hadn't occured to me.
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php

hope that helps

 

[kristydoll]

First off, here is the link to your story
The Story of T

The story in itself is not a bad one at all - but there are some areas to work on. First, I did notice a lot of long sentences that could be shortened/tightened. An example is:

This was to be her first day, she was hired by a team of local headhunters, and today was to be the day she would meet the person for the first time that she would be working under. What to wear for such an auspicious occasion. Should she go with proper business attire, or perhaps...something a bit more feminine...at this thought she smiled.

Also, you tell the reader, 'she thinks to herself' a lot. You do not need to do this. The reader knows she is thinking this to herself. Just tighten this up a bit.

Her breasts were large...42D, and proud of them she thought...perky they were too...at this she smiled once again.

I have never seen perky 42D breasts.

I'm not going to get any more picky here - just use sentences (and some shorter ones) instead of using "..." and tighten up your writing and you will be on your way.

You did a good job on the "sex scene" though - congrats! Lots of imagination showed there instead of just a short plain romp. Good job!

You can do it - just keep writing and good luck!

kristy

 

[sirhugs]

I hate to be a wet blanket, but this story is the sort I just can't read. The wrong words ( "on" for "in"), bad grammar, lack of sentence structure, haphazard punctuation, all made dechipering your story too much effort.

I'm a lousy typist, and a lot of errors creep into my posts, but when I submit a story, I proofread two to four times, and spellcheck twice.

In additon, I follow the basic rules of grammar and structure.

Kristy said you wrote the sex well, but I gave up before I got to it. She is a good reviewer. therefore, I suspect you have raw talent. But please please please get a good grammar book, or install a grammar checker on your wp. Then you can start working on craft.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Partial Reading

Well, I'm partial to forward women. The story definitely needs a proof-read. It looks to me like you ran a spell check, but you didn't proof read it. Spell checkers won't pick up errors like using "on" for "one". Only humans can do that.

I'm very puzzled as to why every so often you begin a paragraph with quotation marks, and sometimes end them that way as well. Is this all being told by someone?

Then, when you should use quotation marks--for direct quotes-- you don't use them at all. You really should know how to use quotation marks.

But please don't use them around phrases and terms in sentences. There's no need to put quotes around the term "white America" inless it's a direct quote. And old teacher of mine said once that whenever you see a word in quotes, you should read the quotes as meaning "so-called", and that's not a bad thing to remember.

---dr.M.

 

[sirhugs]

Scorpio:

On the story Index, therei s a link to Volunteer Editors. Many specialize in proofreading. It might help.

The "How To" category on the Story Index also has several very good articles on basics, and I think, references to the leading source material.

 

[scorpio 1949]

Appreciate the Comments

Thanks Kristy, Dr., and Sir--will avail myself of those features. First effort and all----haven't written much but business reports for years so somewhat rusty in the flow of a story--will atempt to get it closer on the next submittal. Appreciate the help.

 

[scorpio 1949]

Attempting to establish the link again

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68501 hope this works.