The Slasher-Film Serial Killer Rules

[KingOrfeo]

(Inspired, of course, by The Evil Overlord List.)

If I am stalking a group of teenagers, I will not begin with the horny couple screwing in a van parked in the woods. Such can easily be picked off at my leisure. Instead, I will begin with the smart, spunky virgin who might work out a way to defeat me.

 

[KingOrfeo]

My Chamber of Horrors will not be located in a remote farmhouse. True, such a house is so distant from its neighbors that no screams will be heard; but a sufficient number of unexplained disappearances will eventually cause the countryside to be combed by law enforcement authorities. Instead, my Chamber of Horrors will be located in a place where neither screams nor disappearances will be noticed, such as the South Bronx.

 

[KingOrfeo]

I will reflect deeply on the absurdity of human existence before committing any murders at the behest of a supernatural being speaking through my dog.

 

[KingOrfeo]

In my efforts to elude the laughably incompetent bunglers of law enforcement, I will always keep in mind that I am almost certainly insane, therefore inevitably prone to errors, therefore the highest degree of caution is advisable, therefore I will never send them taunting letters that might provide clues even they can work with.

 

[KingOrfeo]

In my regrettably necessary social interactions with benighted meat-mortals, I will be loud, brash, colorful, eccentric, annoying, and in all ways high-profile and unforgettable. After all, everybody knows it's the quiet ones you gotta watch.

 

[KingOrfeo]

I will never, ever leave my manifesto on my desk.

 

[KingOrfeo]

If a meat-mortal of my acquaintance learns of some aspect of my Great Work but not my connection with it, and stumbles into my home or office in a panic, I will not say, "Now, now, calm down. Who else have you told about this?" They've got to be on to that one by now. Instead I will say, "Tell me the whole story from the beginning." This is more time-consuming, but produces more certain results.