The Short Cut ...opinions please

Joined
Feb 25, 2008
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First story I'll be submitting here. Comments welcome. Also anyone know if they still have the monthly contests?

It was far too late for pretty little thing like me to be taking a short cut through the park but I didn‘t want to be too late getting home. I had an early shift in the morning and I had meant to the leave the game early but I just lost track of time. I knew if I hurried through the dark alley of trees I could make it home in less then 15 minutes. I knew I shouldn’t take that route in the dark but it was so much faster and there wasn’t usually anyone on that dark deserted trail once the sun starts to set. The full moon was hanging low in the sky and it shed enough light on the narrow path so I wasn’t worried about tripping on an errant branch or sinkhole.

It’s was very quiet except for the occasional hoot of a solitary owl or a rustle of leaves. The sound of a crackling twig behind me sounded like a gunshot in the quiet still of the night. I stopped to listen, trying to determine which direction the sound came from. I could hear footfalls approach from behind me. The steps were slow and deliberate; meaning whomever it was wanted to be quiet. A chill ran up my spine and I could feel the hairs raise on the nape of my neck as my ponytail brushed against my bare shoulder. I began to walk again, only faster. I increased my speed and my breath caught as I heard the unseen figure behind me pick up his step. He was no longer trying to be quiet. He was almost jogging now, a sense of urgency in pursuit. I knew that’s what it was by this time…a pursuit…a predator that had caught a whiff of his prey. I glanced over my shoulder and saw the figure was much closer then I had realized. He was a faceless hulking figure in the gloom, clad only in a pair of dark coloured shorts and a pair of running shoes.

He knew I had spotted him and lowered his head like a charging bull. He began to pump his legs faster and faster, gaining speed and closing the distance fast. As I turned to run, I regretted my decision to wear stylish sandals instead of my far more practical sneakers. The sandals were clumsy and ill suited to a quick escape. I could hear his ragged breathing behind me now and I knew that it was his breathe caressing my neck, not my hair. I opened my mouth to scream just as a large hand snaked out in front of me and clamped over my mouth.

I could taste something bitter on his fingers…something familiar. He pulled me back against him and locked his powerful forearm beneath my heaving breasts. I could feel the heat of a throbbing hard-on pressed against my butt. I knew now what the taste on his fingers was …precum. He had hidden in the bushes along the trail, stroking as I happened past. I knew what he wanted. As he dragged me into the bushes, I struggled and squirmed but that only seemed to make him grip me tighter, squeezing the breath from my body as blackness filled my vision. My body began to go limp. Suddenly, I could feel myself falling, followed by a dull thud as I hit the ground. The only thing that cushioned the blow as I crashed to the ground was a few short tufts of grass. I gasped trying to pull air into my searing lungs but before I could fully inflate them, I felt the crush of his weight pinning me to the dirt. I felt the twigs and stones dig into my tender flesh as the air was once again pushed from my body. His breath was hot and sour as he panted against my face and ear. I tried to thrash away from him, but without oxygen, my muscles refused to respond.

I was helpless as he pulled the lightweight tank from my torso. The sound of the stitches disintegrating as he tugged it away from my body seemed to echo through the woods and I couldn’t understand how no one heard it. I tried to scream again but my flat lungs expelled only a strangled gurgle under his mass. I felt the darkness gathering around me again as consciousness began to slip away with the last of my breath. He began to raise himself up, air began to flow into my burning lungs, and the darkness began to lift. I prayed it was over. Maybe he was leaving, coming to his senses, I thought.

No! No! I realized he was only lifting himself up to pull down his shorts. I could feel the hot slap of a stiff cock thump against my leg. I wanted to scream but my oxygen-starved muscles seemed to be stealing all the air my tortured lungs had pulled in. I drew in only enough breath to ensure I would be conscious when he took what he wanted. I felt him fumbling between us, grasping for the band of the short-shorts I now regretted wearing. He found the weak elastic and pulled mightily, drawing them up sharply between my legs. The narrow crotch dug painfully into my tender clit and ground against my tender puckered asshole before the stitching gave way. He pulled his hand from between us, his fingers clutching the shreds of my designer shorts. Part of me regretted not having worn panties while another part of me thanked god I was too vain to want a panty line. I shuddered as I though of the pain of having another abuse like that…sure it would have torn me in two. He seemed to chuckle slightly as my body cowered and quivered beneath him. I knew my cheeks were reddening even further with blush as it dawned on me that he thought my shudder was one of excitement. He was now completely blinded by his lust.

His knees forced my legs apart, pried them open, as his hard cock bobbed against me. I was pushing against him now, trying to lift his weight from me. He captured my hands and pinned them over my head easily with one of his mammoth paws. Somewhere in my mind the old adage about big hands meaning a big cock added a whole new dimension of terror to my already fear infested mind. I opened my mouth again to scream but before I could push the air out I felt something stuffed into my mouth. With dawning horror, I realized it was the moist crotch of my shorts that I tasted against my tongue.

I could feel his rock hard cock ramming against my pubic bone. I could sense my body betraying me, my juices sliding over the tip of his dick, making it slippery, aiding it in its attempt to penetrate me. As it finally slipped inside I felt as though I was being speared by a hot poker. It pounded and pounded viciously against my insides tearing mercilessly at my tender flesh. He panted and grunted like a rutting pig as spit dribbled onto my shoulder. I was stuffed. As he ground his hips against me I realized with horror that some of the grunts were coming from me. Each time I felt the hot, tip of his prick touch bottom my vocal cords seemed to spasm and these deep, guttural vibrations seemed to be gargling from my throat. It seemed the more I struggled the deeper he was able to push and shove his cock into me. My clit was now so swollen I could feel it slipping from side to side as he squirmed and shifted on top of me. There was a warmth spreading deep inside and I felt the shame build as my excitement grew. As I tried to buck him from me I realized each thrust of my hips allowed him to penetrate deeper into me. With a final heave, he thrust himself inside and stiffened as he began to tremble. I felt the hot rush of cum being squeezed between the walls of my pussy and his slowly shrinking shaft.

With a final grunt, he shoved himself from my body with disgust. He looked down and smiled at me sickly. He readjusted his shorts and turned to go, leaving me sprawled on the ground whimpering softly around the crotch of my tattered shorts. I felt the warmth of his cum trickling down between my thighs. As I lay there with sticks and twigs pricking my flesh, my hair matted beneath my head, the only thing I was aware of was the tingle of warm pleasure emanating from deep within in. My horror was complete with the realization that my first true orgasm was brought on by a featureless brute who forced me to feast on my own underwear on a dark and desolate path.
 
Yes, there are still monthly contests ( at last count ), but the results usually don't come out for a long time afterward. See the awards forum for the latest results ( from last year, and still well behind )

As to the story, it's more of a scene than a story. There's a touch of setup and a bit of realization, but it dances right on the line of representing any growth or change in the main character.

You'll want to avoid using ellipses for long pauses. Go with an em dash or narrative description, only using ellipses for this purpose very sparingly.

Just a bit of clinical examination. Not really my genre, so it doesn't do anything for me. Thus, I can't really delve deeper ( and I don't know the category well enough to guess how the readership will react )
 
Thanks...

I noticed things seemed to be quite behind lol. I tend to write a little for almost every genre not one particular area so I'm not sure what to expect either. We'll see.
 
I think it's pretty well done. Subject matter is not my thing, so I won't comment in that area. I do think you would benefit from a copy editor looking it over; for instance, in the first paragraph, you have a tendency to repeat (which in my opinion detracts from your otherwise very good writing), and a few things a copy editor would catch:

It was far too late for pretty little thing ("a" pretty little thing) like me to be taking a short cut through the park but I didn‘t want to be too late getting home. I had an early shift in the morning and I had meant to the leave the (Delete first "the") game early but I just lost track of time. I knew if I hurried through the dark alley of trees I could make it home in less then (should be "than")15 minutes. I knew I shouldn’t take that route in the dark but it was so much faster and there wasn’t usually anyone on that dark deserted trail once the sun starts (should be "started" to avoid tense confusion) to set. The full moon was hanging low in the sky and it shed enough light on the narrow path so I wasn’t worried about tripping on an errant branch or sinkhole.


Just my two cents. Good luck!
 
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As mentioned previously, it's not really a story, more of a vignette. There is a fair bit of missing punctuation, I would advise you to find an editor to help you with it.

My major problem is the story just isn't very interesting, or original. It's a bit like a thousand scenes from modern horror movies. Girl does something silly, hears noises, and is attacked.
 
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I think you're good with descriptions. You have potential.
 
This could go someplace. But you need to ask yourself, "What is this story really about?" So far you have a rape in the park with lots of discription, but it doesn't really go anyplace. More than anything, I'm left wondering what started this scene and what happens next.

If your answer is "pure stroke" then fine. But I think you are good enough to raise above that and make a real story out of this.

That said, my final comment would be, rape stories don't really do well on Lit. They tend to draw the worst of the trolls.
 
That said, my final comment would be, rape stories don't really do well on Lit. They tend to draw the worst of the trolls.

I would have to disagree with this comment. My non-consent series has received nothing but good comments, and most non-con stories I have read had nothing but praise. I'm sure there are some trolls, but I haven't really seen them.
 
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