The Secret Garden; Feedback Requested

[PhilCanyon]

Hello,

I would appreciate feedback on my latest story.

The Secret Garden

Here is the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=339675

Thanks,

Phil Canyon

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

There are a few errors. For instance, in paragraph two -

This was Michelle's sanctuary. A cathedral with a canopy of intertwined tree branches, walls of honeysuckle, magnolia and butterfly bushes; a floor decorated with beds full of flowers encircling a small island of thick, lush grass which framed her swing.

The first sentence is okay, the the second seems to be lacking a verb.

Paragraph five is definatly too long. You should try and keep your paragraphs to 8-10 screen lines. Longer than that and it becomes hard to read.

I was looking for dialogue from the very beginning. Dialogue allows the characters to define themselves. You first line of dialogue reads -

I love you, Sweetheart!" Frank said after setting his briefcase onto his desk and pulling Michelle into him for a kiss.

Why the exclamation point? Is he yelling at Michelle? That's how I would read this. I think a comma would have been more appropriate.

Generally, you save the exclamation point for - "STOP!" he screamed as she drove over the cliff. Something like that.

Then in the next line (dialogue in response) you did it again. Effectivly what you have is either two deaf people yelling to be heard or a very weird love scene.

Next you launch into another long paragraph of discription that would have been better treated as dialogue between the characters. This really is the esscence of "Show it, don't tell it."

Frankly, by now I'm borded.

You did have a great idea for a stor, but you should have let the characters tell it. I felt innendated with detailed description.

It's a good start, but I think you can do better.

JJ

 

[PhilCanyon]

Thanks Jenny

I'll take your ideas to heart in my next story, Jenny.

Thanks for reading it.