The Rubber Snake Poll. Attempt #2

[shereads]

Stupid keystroke! I'll try this once more.

I am requesting the help of you harlots, gigolos, voyeurs and pornographers to narrow down a too-rich selection of rubber snakes. Purpose: to guard my driveway and carport, replacing the rubber coral snake that used to protect my car from break-ins. Ever since I retired that snake, things have been happening. These things have to stop!

WildCard prefers the land mines option. I understand the appeal of explosives, but I'm not sure I should be handling explosives right now. (On day 10 after Hurricane Wilma, I noticed that I had neatly stacked my junk mail on the coffee table, and consigned an unopenened package of books from Amazon to the garbage.)

Thank you in advance for your snake-selection input.

BTW: Kudos to the rubber-snake industry for what appears to be a fine model year. These are all from www.naturepavilion.com.

 

[yui]

I like this one.
http://ecomm.mgfx.com/general/NaturePavilion%5Cprodimg/78749.jpg

 

[cantdog]

The Moray looks fierce and all, but really. Who is going to fall for that one in a driveway? As a naturalist, I gotta go for the Coral Snake, since the others do not belong in Florida driveways, But the coral snake is so flippin innocuous. What a wimpy looking thing!

 

[shereads]

I like this one.
http://ecomm.mgfx.com/general/NaturePavilion%5Cprodimg/78749.jpg

These chaiinsaw-wielding vagrants are not cuddly, yui. This shake makes me want to give it smooches and take a nap, not run screaming into the night to turn myself in.

Thank you for playing, though.

 

[cantdog]

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y90/sysladobsis/2574-29.jpg

Whaddya want for seven bucks?

 

[Boxlicker101]

I voted for the coral snake too, even if it does look less imposing than the others. The moray is ridiculous, unless you put it in your swimming pool or some place like that.

People in your area will recognize the coral snake as dangerous. They might recognize the others too but will believe they are phony brcause they are so out of place. The coral snake, on the other hand, is native and people will be scared away. At least, that's what you hope. Somebody might shoot it.

 

[shereads]

The Moray looks fierce and all, but really. Who is going to fall for that one in a driveway? As a naturalist, I gotta go for the Coral Snake, since the others do not belong in Florida driveways, But the coral snake is so flippin innocuous. What a wimpy looking thing!

From an ecological standpoint, I agree that the native coral snake is more politically correct. But our target audience is crackheads, assorted vagrants, and high-school kids drunk on wine coolers. We want to make an impression.

The presence of exotic snakes isn't nearly as farfetched as you might think. Thanks to reptile collectors who get tired of the hobby, we have a large population of non-native creatures: 3-foot iguanas, the occasional monitor lizard, cat-eating boa constrictors, and pythons like the one found dead in the Everglades last month after an ill-fated Super-Size meal of adult alligator.

There haven't been any reportings of land-dwelling moray eels. Yet.

But with the Turkey Point Nulear Plant sitting beside Biscayne National Park a few miles from the coral reefs, never say never. (Remember Blinky the 3-Eyed-Fish? He's the official mascot of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant where Homer Simpson works.)

 

[Boxlicker101]

How about a large alligator? That would be ecologically correct and would scare the bejesus out of anybody, especially a drunk.

 

[shereads]

I don't see one nearly as creepy as the bright orange rat snake that fell <THUD!!> out of palm tree a few yards from the one I was napping beneath at Fairchild Botanical Garden. If the word 'shit' had not been invented to describe excrement, I would have invented it to express that moment.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I vote for large gargoyles.

 

[BlackShanglan]

A rubber Mack-the-Knife's AV.

 

[shereads]

How about a large alligator? That would be ecologically correct and would scare the bejesus out of anybody, especially a drunk.

You'd be surprised how few people are smart enough to be afraid of alligators when they see how sleepy and lazy they look. Gators lie perfectly still, unblinking, and look completely passive until they suddenly aren't.

Twice, I've seen parents posing their kids beside napping alligators on the lawn at a local park. What a great vacation photo! And what a touching memento of Little Jeffy's last moments.

 

[JRaven]

Sober, I could handle a coral snake. My husbands shotgun takes care of them just fine.
Drunk, I'm still smart enough to stay away from gators.

Still, I voted for the coral snake. You may not remember how to tell the deadly ones from the harmless ones, but you'll still back away from them. And, they'll back away from your car. Besides, your old coral snake worked. Go with experience.

Jenny

PS: I do know how important snakes are to ecology. I would not actually harm a snake. How could you not like something that eats mice and rats?!?

 

[Boxlicker101]

You'd be surprised how few people are smart enough to be afraid of alligators when they see how sleepy and lazy they look. Gators lie perfectly still, unblinking, and look completely passive until they suddenly aren't.

Twice, I've seen parents posing their kids beside napping alligators on the lawn at a local park. What a great vacation photo! And what a touching memento of Little Jeffy's last moments.

Maybe they figure if they're actually dangerous, they wouldn't be allowed to run around loose like that.

Remember, you're not talking about ignorant tourists here; you're talking about people who know about gators.

 

[rgraham666]

I went with the coral snake.

Threats have to be believable.

 

[oggbashan]

I voted for the likely coral snake.

I'd add a large green plastic frog with a movement sensor so that it says 'Ribbit, Ribbit' when anyone approaches.

The frog demonstrates that the owner has severe lack of taste and therefore is likely to be so politically uncorrect as to deter intruders with an RPG.

Og

 

[TxRad]

Ogg..

Here in the States.... Pink Flamingos serve the same purpose.......

 

[Svenskaflicka]

http://ecomm.mgfx.com/general/naturepavilion/prodimg/reduced/2570-29.jpg

Or, if you REALLY wanna give intruders a heart attack, you might place a photo of Bush by the gate. That sure as hell would keep ME out!

 

[R. Richard]

PS: I do know how important snakes are to ecology. I would not actually harm a snake. How could you not like something that eats mice and rats?!?

I LIKE it when they eat mice or rats. I DON'T like it when they try to bite me. What we need here is a better trained snake that focuses its rage on mice and rats.

 

[oggbashan]

Ogg..

Here in the States.... Pink Flamingos serve the same purpose.......

But do they say 'Ribbitt. Ribbitt' every time the neighbour's cat strolls past?

Og

 

[Boxlicker101]

But do they say 'Ribbitt. Ribbitt' every time the neighbour's cat strolls past?

Og

I don't think they ever say anything. Of course, you could rig them up to make flamngo noises when people walk by, just like you coulod do with the frogs, but I have no idea what they would say. It wouldn't be scary, though.

 

[shereads]

But do they say 'Ribbitt. Ribbitt' every time the neighbour's cat strolls past?

Og

More advanced than the plastic flamingo, and in the same vein as your frog, is the decorative wall-hanging Billy Bass, a motion-detecting trophy bass that sings. Many a young person trying to earn extra Christmas cash by working as a cashier at Walgreens during the holidays has been driven mad by Billy Bass, purchased a high-powered rifle, barricaded himself/herself in an abandoned warehouse or office building, and murdered innocent people. Another sniper-trigger is the motion-detecting Santa that swivels its hips, Elvis-style, and sings some godawful thing like "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" or even "Have A Holly Jolly Christmas."

Screw rubber snakes. I'm getting a Billy Bass for the front fence and rigging it with explosives and if anybody tries to stop me, I'll shoot the first random bastard who's unfortunate enough to get in range. Happy now, WildCard? Et tu, Walgreens?

 

[shereads]

I don't think they ever say anything. Of course, you could rig them up to make flamngo noises when people walk by, just like you coulod do with the frogs, but I have no idea what they would say. It wouldn't be scary, though.

Flamingos make a deep-bass, nasal honking sound, as if trying to clear their sinuses. My late uncle used to make the same noise, and hardly anyone was afraid of him.

 

[shereads]

Sober, I could handle a coral snake. My husbands shotgun takes care of them just fine.
Drunk, I'm still smart enough to stay away from gators.

Still, I voted for the coral snake. You may not remember how to tell the deadly ones from the harmless ones, but you'll still back away from them. And, they'll back away from your car. Besides, your old coral snake worked. Go with experience.

Jenny

PS: I do know how important snakes are to ecology. I would not actually harm a snake. How could you not like something that eats mice and rats?!?

You would not like it if you (a) picked up an armload of branches while cleaning up your yard, and one of the thicker, darker branches suddenly squirmed; or (b) you were raking leaves one day last year and discovered a writhing, tangled glob of snakes the approximate size of a regulation basketball, doing god-knows-what in a drift of leaves beside the steps.

 

[rgraham666]

You would not like it if you (a) picked up an armload of branches while cleaning up your yard, and one of the thicker, darker branches suddenly squirmed; or (b) you were raking leaves one day last year and discovered a writhing, tangled glob of snakes the approximate size of a regulation basketball, doing god-knows-what in a drift of leaves beside the steps.

You're a porn reader. You know exactly what they were doing.