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The Return of the King!

sethp

sethp

Literotica Guru
Joined
Jul 20, 2006
Posts
12,836
From the depths of despair and dark gloom, I have returned with two all original tales and a rewrite set to post tomorrow! It's been a long dark year but I'm back. All hail the king!
 
hmmmm....maybe I mispelled king or return or something. Fuck! This returning business sucks.
 
It's more that we have no patience with overweening pride. You're not a king. You're not even necessarily a good writer. I mean, you might be, but without a link to your story we won't be able to tell one way or the other.

Want us to bow down and worship you? Earn it. Until then, kindly keep your arrogance--even in jest--to a minimum.
 
CWatson said:
It's more that we have no patience with overweening pride. You're not a king. You're not even necessarily a good writer. I mean, you might be, but without a link to your story we won't be able to tell one way or the other.

Want us to bow down and worship you? Earn it. Until then, kindly keep your arrogance--even in jest--to a minimum.
Click to expand...

Who is this person who talks to me like he has permission to? Who is this person who pretends to not know who sethp is? It is not even possible to not know me and thus to adore and worship me? Wherest is thoust cave that thee liveth in?
 
CWatson said:
It's more that we have no patience with overweening pride. You're not a king. You're not even necessarily a good writer. I mean, you might be, but without a link to your story we won't be able to tell one way or the other.

Want us to bow down and worship you? Earn it. Until then, kindly keep your arrogance--even in jest--to a minimum.
Click to expand...

Yeah, ditto what he said. :D
 
sethp said:
oh you! LOL How are you doing??? I haven't even checked your author page lately.. anything new posted?
Click to expand...

Actually, I just submitted the first chapter of a new story today. It should be out in a few days. Keep an eye out for it. It's called SAVING NATALIE and it has a hot scene involving a bowl of cubed papaya. :D (Well, that doesn't actually happen until the second chapter)
 
michchick98 said:
Actually, I just submitted the first chapter of a new story today. It should be out in a few days. Keep an eye out for it. It's called SAVING NATALIE and it has a hot scene involving a bowl of cubed papaya. :D (Well, that doesn't actually happen until the second chapter)
Click to expand...

lol ok now you have me interested! papaya. I like your creativity!
 
sethp said:
lol ok now you have me interested! papaya. I like your creativity!
Click to expand...

Well, the first chapter should post tomorrow, but the papaya scene isn't in that chapter. Hope you'll still check it out, though.
 
michchick98 said:
Well, the first chapter should post tomorrow, but the papaya scene isn't in that chapter. Hope you'll still check it out, though.
Click to expand...

Well yeah of course! I'll read and comment later this week on it. Promise. If you have a second can you read and critic my sexual adventures of busty jessica ch1? I've been working on dialogue.
 
sethp said:
Well yeah of course! I'll read and comment later this week on it. Promise. If you have a second can you read and critic my sexual adventures of busty jessica ch1? I've been working on dialogue.
Click to expand...

I made notations below each change as to what should be changed. The parts in red are where the errors are.

Jessica dried off fixed her hair and make up, and then went into the bedroom to get dressed. She decided upon a tight tank top and short denim skirt. Satisfied, she went downstairs to get some breakfast and coffee.

Comma after "dried off"



About half-way to her destination, Jessica noticed Ryan's car parked in front of a small, one-story green house.. That was very strange since he had told her he couldn't give her a ride to the interview because he would be working. She knew it was his car because of the Iron Maiden stickers plastered all over the side windows.

Extra period



"I know who lives here. but I just can't remember." Jessica frowned as she tried to recall who lived in the little green house.

Comma after "here" not a period



"He must be taking a break at a friend's house, " Jessica decided impulsively that surprising Ryan before her interview, was just what she needed to cheer herself up after the episode with her father. She walked up the path to the house and was about to knock on the door when she heard a muffled squeal from inside. She noticed that the door was slightly ajar.


Period, not a comma after "house" no space between the punctuation and closing quotation marks
No comma after "interview"
Wasn't it her step-father?




"Ryan?" She called out softly as she entered the house and walked toward where the noises were coming from. She followed the sounds down a long hallway, to what she assumed was a bedroom door. This door was also slightly open, and Jessica could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex and bed springs coming from the room.

"She" should be lower case




Jessica couldn't believe her eyes. Susan Marshall had been the valedictorian of their graduating class and had been a nasty bitch to Jessica all throughout high school.Jessica stood frozen and silent watching as her boyfriend had anal sex with the one girl in town that Jessica hated the most. All through school Susan had given Jessica a rough time. She was a mean, prudish snob and member of the chastity-till-marriage club, and there she was being ravaged by a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Add a space between the period and "Jessica"




With that Jessica stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. She was sobbing uncontrollably as she reached the sidewalk. She pulled out her house key and ran it all the way down the side of Ryan's car as she walked past it and then spit on the hood.

Add a comma after "that"



"Hello? " Mike asked laughing. He waved his hand in front of her face and she blinked. "You look a little out of it this morning, but that's ok. I'll give you the paperwork later and you can take it home with you. Follow me and let me give you the royal tour."

No space between question mark and quotes
Comma after "asked"
"ok" should be "okay"




Just then they both heard a rattling noise coming from around the corner. . Mike, still holding Jessica's hand, led them into the dish room. Jessica gasped and Mike dropped the clipboard he was carrying. It clacked loudly on one of the rubber mats that covered the floor. In front of them and oblivious to the world, Neal was pounding his very large cock into Mari as she bent over the stainless steel table beside the dishwasher. Mari was grunting and several racks full of dishes rattled with each thrust.

Extra period after "corner"
If a clipboard drops on a rubber mat, it won't make much sound



Looking at her with lost puppy dog eyes, Neal spoke just one word: "Please." Jessica knew exactly what he wanted and before today, would have been horrified. But, wouldn't it be great to tell that lying, stinking boyfriend of hers that she didn't need him any longer because she had all the men she needed and was being well taken care of sexually? Two could play Ryan's little game.

Comma after "word"



Jessica snaked her tongue out and licked the underside of Neal's cock. He was soaked with Mari's pussy juices and Jessica liked it. Opening her mouth wide, she took as much of his cock in her mouth as she could and proceeded to suck him dry, swirling her toungue around his thick shaft, savoring Mari's flavor. .

Extra period after "flavor"




When Neal's cock threatened to poke the back of her throat, Jessica pulled off of him, letting a trail of saliva run down her chin. Neal quickly gripped the back of Jessica's head and guided her mouth back to his cock. She complied and soon had her lips sliding up and down his length again. Nothing mattered except his cock in her mouth. She needed him to cum in her mouth. She reached her hand up to caress his balls as she continued to suck Neal more urgently. She felt his body stiffen and his cock swelled just before he erupted into her mouth. Hot ropes of his salty sperm ejaculated into her mouth and Jessica swallowed.it. He pulled his cock out of Jessica's mouth when he was done and a strand of sperm dribbled out of her mouth, down her chin and onto her heaving chest, where it stayed staining her tank top.

Extra period between "swallowed" and "it"
Perhaps re-word the last sentence: 'where it remained, soaking into her tank top.'



Neal stepped back releasing his cock from Jessica's full lips. Looking to her left, Jessica saw Mari's grip on Mike's cock tighten and she started bobbing her head faster on his shaft. Mike groaned as he came, and Mari looked up into his eyes as she received his sperm.

Add comma after "back"




As the two girls kissed passionately playing with Mike's cum in their mouths and each other's tongues, Jessica felt her skirt being pushed up. Whoever it was, they were about to find out that she wasn't wearing any panties. She wiggled her hips to help whoever was behind her. Soon her ass was completely exposed and she felt a hard cock rubbing up and down the crack of her ass. She pushed back against it.
[/B]

Comma after "passionately"
Other's should be others'
Repetitive use of the word "ass"



"I won't tell anyone if you don't." Jessica said. She winked at Mike and told him she'd see him tomorrow. If only Jessica knew what was in store for her the next day!

Comma after "don't" not a period.

===

Okay, with that out of the way, it wasn't a bad story. Not my cup of tea as far as the girl-on-girl stuff goes (or anal) but it wasn't badly written. I didn't have problems picturing the characters. You gave good descriptions of them, but not overdone, but since this is more of a stroke story, I don't think character description is really relevant.

The above changes weren't jarring, I could still get through the story, but they were distracting.
 
michchick98 said:
I made notations below each change as to what should be changed. The parts in red are where the errors are.

Jessica dried off fixed her hair and make up, and then went into the bedroom to get dressed. She decided upon a tight tank top and short denim skirt. Satisfied, she went downstairs to get some breakfast and coffee.

Comma after "dried off"



About half-way to her destination, Jessica noticed Ryan's car parked in front of a small, one-story green house.. That was very strange since he had told her he couldn't give her a ride to the interview because he would be working. She knew it was his car because of the Iron Maiden stickers plastered all over the side windows.

Extra period



"I know who lives here. but I just can't remember." Jessica frowned as she tried to recall who lived in the little green house.

Comma after "here" not a period



"He must be taking a break at a friend's house, " Jessica decided impulsively that surprising Ryan before her interview, was just what she needed to cheer herself up after the episode with her father. She walked up the path to the house and was about to knock on the door when she heard a muffled squeal from inside. She noticed that the door was slightly ajar.


Period, not a comma after "house" no space between the punctuation and closing quotation marks
No comma after "interview"
Wasn't it her step-father?




"Ryan?" She called out softly as she entered the house and walked toward where the noises were coming from. She followed the sounds down a long hallway, to what she assumed was a bedroom door. This door was also slightly open, and Jessica could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex and bed springs coming from the room.

"She" should be lower case




Jessica couldn't believe her eyes. Susan Marshall had been the valedictorian of their graduating class and had been a nasty bitch to Jessica all throughout high school.Jessica stood frozen and silent watching as her boyfriend had anal sex with the one girl in town that Jessica hated the most. All through school Susan had given Jessica a rough time. She was a mean, prudish snob and member of the chastity-till-marriage club, and there she was being ravaged by a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Add a space between the period and "Jessica"




With that Jessica stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. She was sobbing uncontrollably as she reached the sidewalk. She pulled out her house key and ran it all the way down the side of Ryan's car as she walked past it and then spit on the hood.

Add a comma after "that"



"Hello? " Mike asked laughing. He waved his hand in front of her face and she blinked. "You look a little out of it this morning, but that's ok. I'll give you the paperwork later and you can take it home with you. Follow me and let me give you the royal tour."

No space between question mark and quotes
Comma after "asked"
"ok" should be "okay"




Just then they both heard a rattling noise coming from around the corner. . Mike, still holding Jessica's hand, led them into the dish room. Jessica gasped and Mike dropped the clipboard he was carrying. It clacked loudly on one of the rubber mats that covered the floor. In front of them and oblivious to the world, Neal was pounding his very large cock into Mari as she bent over the stainless steel table beside the dishwasher. Mari was grunting and several racks full of dishes rattled with each thrust.

Extra period after "corner"
If a clipboard drops on a rubber mat, it won't make much sound



Looking at her with lost puppy dog eyes, Neal spoke just one word: "Please." Jessica knew exactly what he wanted and before today, would have been horrified. But, wouldn't it be great to tell that lying, stinking boyfriend of hers that she didn't need him any longer because she had all the men she needed and was being well taken care of sexually? Two could play Ryan's little game.

Comma after "word"



Jessica snaked her tongue out and licked the underside of Neal's cock. He was soaked with Mari's pussy juices and Jessica liked it. Opening her mouth wide, she took as much of his cock in her mouth as she could and proceeded to suck him dry, swirling her toungue around his thick shaft, savoring Mari's flavor. .

Extra period after "flavor"




When Neal's cock threatened to poke the back of her throat, Jessica pulled off of him, letting a trail of saliva run down her chin. Neal quickly gripped the back of Jessica's head and guided her mouth back to his cock. She complied and soon had her lips sliding up and down his length again. Nothing mattered except his cock in her mouth. She needed him to cum in her mouth. She reached her hand up to caress his balls as she continued to suck Neal more urgently. She felt his body stiffen and his cock swelled just before he erupted into her mouth. Hot ropes of his salty sperm ejaculated into her mouth and Jessica swallowed.it. He pulled his cock out of Jessica's mouth when he was done and a strand of sperm dribbled out of her mouth, down her chin and onto her heaving chest, where it stayed staining her tank top.

Extra period between "swallowed" and "it"
Perhaps re-word the last sentence: 'where it remained, soaking into her tank top.'



Neal stepped back releasing his cock from Jessica's full lips. Looking to her left, Jessica saw Mari's grip on Mike's cock tighten and she started bobbing her head faster on his shaft. Mike groaned as he came, and Mari looked up into his eyes as she received his sperm.

Add comma after "back"




As the two girls kissed passionately playing with Mike's cum in their mouths and each other's tongues, Jessica felt her skirt being pushed up. Whoever it was, they were about to find out that she wasn't wearing any panties. She wiggled her hips to help whoever was behind her. Soon her ass was completely exposed and she felt a hard cock rubbing up and down the crack of her ass. She pushed back against it.
[/B]

Comma after "passionately"
Other's should be others'
Repetitive use of the word "ass"



"I won't tell anyone if you don't." Jessica said. She winked at Mike and told him she'd see him tomorrow. If only Jessica knew what was in store for her the next day!

Comma after "don't" not a period.

===

Okay, with that out of the way, it wasn't a bad story. Not my cup of tea as far as the girl-on-girl stuff goes (or anal) but it wasn't badly written. I didn't have problems picturing the characters. You gave good descriptions of them, but not overdone, but since this is more of a stroke story, I don't think character description is really relevant.

The above changes weren't jarring, I could still get through the story, but they were distracting.
Click to expand...

Wow! Thanks I should pay you for that! You're awesome!
 
Looks like the king needs to work on his punctuation, how he writes dialogue, and handling his works once he gets them back from his editor? Most of these are actually related. hmmmm
 
michchick98 said:
I made notations below each change as to what should be changed. The parts in red are where the errors are.

Jessica dried off fixed her hair and make up, and then went into the bedroom to get dressed. She decided upon a tight tank top and short denim skirt. Satisfied, she went downstairs to get some breakfast and coffee.

Comma after "dried off"



About half-way to her destination, Jessica noticed Ryan's car parked in front of a small, one-story green house.. That was very strange since he had told her he couldn't give her a ride to the interview because he would be working. She knew it was his car because of the Iron Maiden stickers plastered all over the side windows.

Extra period



"I know who lives here. but I just can't remember." Jessica frowned as she tried to recall who lived in the little green house.

Comma after "here" not a period



"He must be taking a break at a friend's house, " Jessica decided impulsively that surprising Ryan before her interview, was just what she needed to cheer herself up after the episode with her father. She walked up the path to the house and was about to knock on the door when she heard a muffled squeal from inside. She noticed that the door was slightly ajar.


Period, not a comma after "house" no space between the punctuation and closing quotation marks
No comma after "interview"
Wasn't it her step-father?




"Ryan?" She called out softly as she entered the house and walked toward where the noises were coming from. She followed the sounds down a long hallway, to what she assumed was a bedroom door. This door was also slightly open, and Jessica could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex and bed springs coming from the room.

"She" should be lower case




Jessica couldn't believe her eyes. Susan Marshall had been the valedictorian of their graduating class and had been a nasty bitch to Jessica all throughout high school.Jessica stood frozen and silent watching as her boyfriend had anal sex with the one girl in town that Jessica hated the most. All through school Susan had given Jessica a rough time. She was a mean, prudish snob and member of the chastity-till-marriage club, and there she was being ravaged by a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Add a space between the period and "Jessica"




With that Jessica stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. She was sobbing uncontrollably as she reached the sidewalk. She pulled out her house key and ran it all the way down the side of Ryan's car as she walked past it and then spit on the hood.

Add a comma after "that"



"Hello? " Mike asked laughing. He waved his hand in front of her face and she blinked. "You look a little out of it this morning, but that's ok. I'll give you the paperwork later and you can take it home with you. Follow me and let me give you the royal tour."

No space between question mark and quotes
Comma after "asked"
"ok" should be "okay"




Just then they both heard a rattling noise coming from around the corner. . Mike, still holding Jessica's hand, led them into the dish room. Jessica gasped and Mike dropped the clipboard he was carrying. It clacked loudly on one of the rubber mats that covered the floor. In front of them and oblivious to the world, Neal was pounding his very large cock into Mari as she bent over the stainless steel table beside the dishwasher. Mari was grunting and several racks full of dishes rattled with each thrust.

Extra period after "corner"
If a clipboard drops on a rubber mat, it won't make much sound



Looking at her with lost puppy dog eyes, Neal spoke just one word: "Please." Jessica knew exactly what he wanted and before today, would have been horrified. But, wouldn't it be great to tell that lying, stinking boyfriend of hers that she didn't need him any longer because she had all the men she needed and was being well taken care of sexually? Two could play Ryan's little game.

Comma after "word"



Jessica snaked her tongue out and licked the underside of Neal's cock. He was soaked with Mari's pussy juices and Jessica liked it. Opening her mouth wide, she took as much of his cock in her mouth as she could and proceeded to suck him dry, swirling her toungue around his thick shaft, savoring Mari's flavor. .

Extra period after "flavor"




When Neal's cock threatened to poke the back of her throat, Jessica pulled off of him, letting a trail of saliva run down her chin. Neal quickly gripped the back of Jessica's head and guided her mouth back to his cock. She complied and soon had her lips sliding up and down his length again. Nothing mattered except his cock in her mouth. She needed him to cum in her mouth. She reached her hand up to caress his balls as she continued to suck Neal more urgently. She felt his body stiffen and his cock swelled just before he erupted into her mouth. Hot ropes of his salty sperm ejaculated into her mouth and Jessica swallowed.it. He pulled his cock out of Jessica's mouth when he was done and a strand of sperm dribbled out of her mouth, down her chin and onto her heaving chest, where it stayed staining her tank top.

Extra period between "swallowed" and "it"
Perhaps re-word the last sentence: 'where it remained, soaking into her tank top.'



Neal stepped back releasing his cock from Jessica's full lips. Looking to her left, Jessica saw Mari's grip on Mike's cock tighten and she started bobbing her head faster on his shaft. Mike groaned as he came, and Mari looked up into his eyes as she received his sperm.

Add comma after "back"




As the two girls kissed passionately playing with Mike's cum in their mouths and each other's tongues, Jessica felt her skirt being pushed up. Whoever it was, they were about to find out that she wasn't wearing any panties. She wiggled her hips to help whoever was behind her. Soon her ass was completely exposed and she felt a hard cock rubbing up and down the crack of her ass. She pushed back against it.
[/B]

Comma after "passionately"
Other's should be others'
Repetitive use of the word "ass"



"I won't tell anyone if you don't." Jessica said. She winked at Mike and told him she'd see him tomorrow. If only Jessica knew what was in store for her the next day!

Comma after "don't" not a period.

===

Okay, with that out of the way, it wasn't a bad story. Not my cup of tea as far as the girl-on-girl stuff goes (or anal) but it wasn't badly written. I didn't have problems picturing the characters. You gave good descriptions of them, but not overdone, but since this is more of a stroke story, I don't think character description is really relevant.

The above changes weren't jarring, I could still get through the story, but they were distracting.
Click to expand...

Michchick98, I hereby invite you to join the Union of Concerned Quibblers, a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting and rewarding better grammar, spelling and syntax. No fees, dues, meeting or bullshit, just devotion to good writing. (signed) estragon, secretary, UCQ
 
sethp said:
Looks like the king needs to work on his punctuation, how he writes dialogue, and handling his works once he gets them back from his editor? Most of these are actually related. hmmmm
Click to expand...

seth, seth, seth... have you forgotten everything I've taught you? ;)
 
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