The Results Are In! 2006 Bulwer-Lytton writing contest

[Huckleman2000]

I love this contest! Here's the winning entry:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Astonishing!

More here

 

[Guest]

I love this contest! Here's the winning entry:



Astonishing!

More here

Oh, ouch. The Salt and Vinegar Potato chips of literature!

 

[Huckleman2000]

Another gem of unspeakable quality:

The widow Hasha Brown, whose agrarian husband had died from an unfortunate accident involving a hoe, leaned on the filigree railing of her balcony, overlooking her lavish, ornate Idaho estate, her dewy breasts protruding from her Pucci-print dressing gown like subterranean tubers saturated and distended from the vernal rains.

Jennifer G. Liggett
Stow, OH

 

[Liar]

...and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Hey, I liked that part.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

her dewy breasts protruding from her Pucci-print dressing gown like subterranean tubers saturated and distended from the vernal rains

That's almost TOO sexy.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[tolyk]

That's almost TOO sexy.

Rumple Foreskin

Too run-on perhaps..

 

[Guest]

If you have to take a breath before reaching the end of the sentence, yeah, it's a little too run-on-ish

 

[Huckleman2000]

Runner-up in the Romance category (I think it should have won):

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking.

Dan Winters
Los Altos Hills, CA

Runner-up in Vile Puns:

Herr Professor Doktor Weiss' reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi."

John L. Drost
Barboursville, WV.

And this year there was a Special Salute to Breasts category:

When she sashayed across the room, her breasts swayed like two house trailers passing on a windy bridge.

Stan Higley
Fairport, NY